Disconnected

Life has indeed been whizzing by -- celebrations, road trips, hen parties, family outings, dancing classes and I haven't documented them. . but i have definitely been living them and enjoying them!

The weather has been rather dreary lately-- blech. . more like bleak November drizzle than October colours and clear skies, though Thanksgiving Weekend's weather was the warmest on record since the 1800s. . and we wrung every drop of enjoyment from that singular weekend!

I had a bright spot at Chapters the other night. . Robbie and I go there once in a while - he's so gracious and sweet about it because he is really not a reader, but he knows how much i love soaking up the atmosphere and trolling the beckoning, brightly-coloured aisles for finds. I had a gift card still unused from my summer birthday - not to mention a $5 off coupon and my Chapters/Indigo membership card (10% off all purchases) - also not to mention 15% reduction on all hard cover books. . and last not to mention i promise - i got 3 out of my 4 books in the 'up to 80% off' section!!! My glee was absolute! My purchase, at full price, would have been $131.50 plus tax . . and i parted with only $20!!!!!!! i know!!!!!

Memory Keeper's Daughter (already well into this and it's pretty fantastic) Kim Edwards
Bed of Red Flowers - In Search of My Afghanistan Nelofer Pazira
A Year In the Life of My Kitchen Art Smith
Back to the Table Annie Bell

I've been working hard lately, which may account for some of my reluctance to sit down and type any more than i have to! By the time i hit my production quota. . i could absolutely fall into bed and sometimes do. One wouldn't think that banging away at a keyboard all day would be tiring. . but i think besides the unnatural sitting position, its just the mental fatigue. My muscles are knotting up and my arthritis is flaring up - so instead of yet another course of physio, acupuncture, drugs. . my doctor has prescribed massage therapy - which you'd think sounds dreamily relaxing? Not likely. . i've had one treatment previously - it was anything but dreamy. The therapist I talked to on the phone seemed warm and friendly. She explained to me they treat the spine and its surrounding musculature and all its attachments as a unit. . . not as isolated chunks. Makes sense, right?! I thought so too. . so yeah we'll see how this goes. Living with chronic pain is an interesting thing. . the body amazes me. My vertebrae are degenerating, so my muscles overguard to protect, how do they know to do this? The pain never leaves. The simplest of tasks hurts - working, even just looking down to see what i'm chopping when i cook, or sitting beside someone and turning my neck to look at them, lifting my grandkids, doing push ups. . I absolutely will not let this rule me, so i just live with it, you know? I won't take the drugs. . 1 drug has recently been banned and another has come under scrutiny, both for raising the incidence of heart and stroke occurrence. I had a prescription for the second one that i never filled. . thank God!!! I take glucosamine. . but not enough - i don't think to take one with every meal like i should be doing. .why do i not do this? I can't even say why! lazy? don't think of it?

But in a weirdly objective way i can look at all of this and marvel at how the body can adapt to even something like ever present pain - you become so used to it, you accept it as normal and you carry on. Being a stubborn, tough chick helps too!

Dance was great tonight. . . dancing with fluidity now. . . i've got the routines and patterns in my head now - my brain and body are working together. It takes half the session to get to this point where you can dance with finesse. . i love this point because it feels like the 'real deal'. . you don't need to count, you don't even need the instructor's cueing. . you just need the music and you go! It's liberating, even transporting. . what's not to love? I love the friendship and comraderie just as much - also love that my daughters come along with me - though it's down to me and Linds now that KK is at school. I'm especially loving the latin routine. . lotsa rhumba!!!

It is that time again, time to close my eyes and hopefully dream about some non-weird things. Dreams are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get. Killer cliche, but true. Mine are just so out there. . I had a horrific nightmare the other night which shocked me awake, to feel my heart like a jackhammer in my chest. It took me a second to determine what was real. . i love that feeling when you realize that something that horrible is just a dream. I almost wanted to wake Rob up, but settled for just huddling next to him. I am hoping tonight for perhaps some uneventful, random craziness!

pictures are my words tonight

 

September activities. . .

bridge over the river. . . Rob, James and Lindsay














Erica, looking pensive on a walk downtown. .





Apple picking. . . fall fun!



















James and Erica, on the observation deck of the CN tower! a first time thrill for the grandchildren!!

My "Baby" is 24!!!!!

My firstborn is 24 in a few hours. . At this time back then, Rob and I were watching Jan and Dean in concert on TV while i was in labour and we wrote down my contractions on a piece of paper to see if perhaps there was a pattern?! It was 2 weeks early. . and we weren't sure if was i was in false labour -- i wasn't! The baby wasn't due until October 6 if i remember well? She had other plans, first of which included surprising her young, still 'wet behind the ears' parents! Which is kind of ironic, since now she herself hates surprises!!

This photo is hilarious. . it is one in a series of all of us holding the flowers - don't ask why, it was her sister's idea!

I wish that i had a digital picture of Linds as a baby. . she was a gorgeous little thing. I remember the nurses fussing over her and telling me how beautiful she was. Usually newborns look like they've gone a few rounds of boxing. . but not this girl! Me, however. . it sure felt like i went a few rounds!! I was a fool and declined narcotics. Imagine? Lindsay tells me I was insane. . and looking back, she's absolutely right!!! Wow, were we ever young when she came along. . the surprise thing again. . little did we realize how much our lives would change - you never do until the change happens!

This is her 'champagne birthday'. . . 24 on the 24th. . . so we are having a feast - the menu is all her choice. . .Mom's kitchen -- Shepherd's pie, glazed carrots, buttermilk biscuits and chocolate swirl cheesecake. . . sparkling apple cider to wash it all down. . (that's the champagne!) The presents are wrapped (yes, they're all surprises, even though she hates having to wait to see what they are!!! but she expects this from us). The house is decorated. . . . and soon we will party!!! I think i'll do a party blog after the festivities end.

Happy day, Linds!!! Your Dad and I can't believe how much time has gone by!!! You've been such a wonderful daughter. . so lovely and intelligent and unique - all your phases and stages and accomplishments. . we've been very privileged to be your parents. God gave you to us and we're so grateful!! Enjoy your day with your kiddies and when we meet for supper - we will play the Beatles "Birthday song". . and we will eat and laugh. . and perhaps watch another instalment of our family videos?! yes?!!! *can't wait to see what tacky 80s clothing we're all wearing !* HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LINDSAY!!!!

love always,
Mom
xo xo xo xo xo xo xo xo xo xo xo xo xo xo xo xo xo xo xo xo xo xo xo xo (a kiss and hug every every year) 

sweet things

This is dedicated to all the sweet things in life. Sour things . . well i don't want to talk about those, other than to point out what we all know. . . how would we know what sweet was, if there was never any sour?

*sliced, fresh strawberries with wildflower honey
*a bargain on a good book
*awesome music - what more can be said about this life-enhancing language than has been already been said?
*attempting to do some booty poppin' when no one's looking! YOW!
*laughing with someone
*figuring your way out of a tough situation, using your resources, ideas and common sense.
*trying something different every time you shop for groceries - doesn't have to be expensive.
*sitting outside, being under the sky
*affirming others and receiving affirmation
*filling up your tank before the gas prices go up!
*pay day!!
*a fabulously-told story -- however it's presented: movie, spoken, written, visual imagery
*Fridays
*freedom from something that once held you down
*romance
*quietness
*UNself-conscious dancing
*aromas - of course only good ones, of which there are enough to make a zillion lists!!
*living with fervor ( trying to avoid the word 'passion', which i fear is becoming overused)
*stepping out of restraining clothing and footwear and putting on your 'ahhh' clothes
*tax refunds
*accomplishment - very sweet
*love, i couldn't leave it out, even though it sounds cheesy to say it, it must be on the sweet list
(again another overused word, yes? I'm just as guilty, ascribing love to anything and everything!)
*desserts!!!! I can't begin to express my fondness for 'second part'!
*sounds that please the ear - another mega list that will not be attempted
*freshness. . everything is best fresh, everything in every sense
*and since I must end this at some point. . . beauty, because it's sweet, lovely and essential. . no definition or parameters - i am aware of being encompassed by it every day

feelin' like i'm on the cusp of something. . but what?

Dreams?

Possibilities?

Restless, mid-lifey feeling? like something is looming on my life's horizon. . .
yeah, it's called death!!! LOL!!! i'm not being morbid - just practical! Of course it looms over us all, but that's not really it. It's something hard to pin down. Do you know what I mean?

I honestly do get really tired of myself, you know. I have an internal dialogue. . . maybe its more like a peripatetic whine-alogue. I wish i could do this, no, i wish that, no -- i've changed my mind. .that's too frivilous, that's too ambitious, that's not realistic, that's definitely not feasible. I'm middle aged and i do know myself well and have more security in knowing 'me' and knowing that i don't have to pretend or 'role play' like i did when i was very much younger.
That's where the restlessness crawls in. I should feel fine.
I've met the younger me goals: getting married to someone i LOVE, having lovely children, holding down a job. Check, check, check.

Yet i'm having trouble making sense out of things, perhaps directions, hints, nudges that i fear i may be too thick to receive or comprehend. . What else am i supposed to do?? Is there anything else? Am I destined to be in this job for the rest of my working years? or not?
How can i desire to do something of lasting value in my community, my country and yes, the world? I have fleeting moments of this kind of desire and I do feel and i give and i feel some more for others. . . but most often i'm just so about those who are dear to me. I feel still so unformed.

Sometimes I think that must do a big thing, but I'm not a 'big thing' doer.
Then I think it's about 'the little things', but they seem like a drop in the bucket.
I then think about medium. . what about medium-sized things? that seems like a good compromise. . but even medium scares me into a paralyzed kind of funk.
My spirit thirsts to be spiritual. Spiritual is truer, deeper.
My mind and physical part work against that desire. . like they don't want spirity spirit-face in on the fun - killjoy.

The other day i went to some lovely shops in another town - i enjoyed looking at beautiful things, i enjoyed talking to the people i met. . . i was happy, i bought a few things (some were gifts, a couple of things were for me). I felt strange. . . i was walking along with the bags in my hands, telling myself: "You're feeling materialistic and you like it!" Yes, I did like it and i felt strange that i felt like i had to shut my spirit out of that experience. . . why can i not integrate myself? Why do i sit in judgement of something like that? I wasn't paying $900 for a handbag, i was just in a little town buying a few things that together didn't even total $90. I know that when i was in the bakery buying goodies *doing some taste testing for my own 'field research' -- another blog topic!* I could think about starvation in the third world. . AIDS, human trafficking, terrorism, there's plenty more -we all know. . and I could feel strange about eating a lemon coconut square while the world groans with the collective suffering of it's people. But i've got to get a grip. . I can't be hyperspiritual. I can't be hyperphysical and though I'm very good at this last one, I can't be hyperemotional. no hyper. . just take that right outta there. I can be integrated. . I have to be. No one part of me should ever be outside the others, but it is, cuz three's an odd number and someone always gets left out. Not only that, but the combinations are always changing, so it's always a different part that gets neglected.

Angst is not the exclusive domain of the teenager.

I think too much, that's what Rob says. *he also thinks that i feel too much, but knows that i can't seem to help this* (he also thinks that sometimes i talk too much too -- cuz in his books, anything beyond a few words is 'too much'!)

Well, even just putting these words on this screen is just cathartic enough to ease my mind.

I can be whole everywhere i go. I can be spirit, mind and body all at the same time. I always get in trouble when i'm not. Still, integration aside, I feel something coming and it's driving me insane!!!! Is it just unfulfilled dreams, or undone deeds manifesting as this feeling of potential? Potential for what??! I can't assign anything to it, I can't fit it into anything. It just is.

Jimmy Jo Jo Shabadoo!

James is 6 years old today!!!
James loves to ride the seadoo and scream: 'woo hoo'!!!









James loves trains and planes and cars.
James has many names: (these are just a few)
James, Jimmy, Jimmy Coco Pop, Jimmy Jo Jo, Mr. McGoo, Puddin' (he gets this from great grandma!) Bud and Bud-boy.




James loves to be swung around by Opa. He's just winding up here!
James hates to sit still.
James loves history.
James is a little prankster.






James is just starting grade 1.
James loves grown up books.









James likes to be in perpetual motion.
James has cool hair.
James has a big heart.
James fills our lives with joy.
Happy Birthday, Jimmy! lots of love always and forever. . . . from Opa and Nana

Port Dover - 2 weekends ago

lying down, under the fishy umbrella.
deep breath in. . . . . .


exhale ,
ahhhhhh.

lying in the sun with Robbie on a beautifully lazy day.

the sound of the waves,

the gulls.















sitting at light house point. . didn't want this day to end!!!

shout out to the girls at work!!!

Wow. . . I am so impressed with the women I work with. I love them and respect them. Walking in someone else's shoes really does give a new perspective. I've once more been able to see everyone working, I watch them, their expertise is inspiring. Yes, girls . . you rock!!! They're like my family. . I've known some of them for over 2 decades and we have weathered so much together. Others I've known a shorter time, but they are equally fantastic! Geez, I'm getting very emotional sitting here thinking about all of them! I'm not going to post pictures, want to keep the work place anonymous. . heard of too many ppl getting too personal and divulging too much re work in the blogosphere. .corporations don't like that! So, I will play it safe. I'll just speak here in general terms. For those of you I don't work with, this will just give you an idea of the work side of me and thanks for reading!! Why don't you all share with me your work experiences? your thoughts about your job, your co workers, etc. I'd love to hear it!!!

In case you're all wondering where this gush of emotion has it's origin, i have had the distinct pleasure of working 'in house' for a few days during the last week and a half and have felt once more connected and part of the team. I have been able to do other jobs and have such respect for the regular 'doers' of those jobs! Pulling charts is back breaking, physical work. I kid you not, we have chart banks in several parts of the building, that go literally from floor to ceiling. (good thing I'm tall i don't need the step stools!) I have reached high and squatted on my haunches, I have sat down on the floor to file, bent over at the waist and crouched to find the right numbers on the bottom rows. I have yanked tightly packed charts out of their crammed spaces and then used my entire upper body strength to wedge them back in without damaging!! Here's a little aside. . . . it's a weird thing to speak in the chart area. . . sound cannot escape and does not carry through the long corridors. . voices take on an extremely mute, strangulated quality. . very strange.

I have walked and walked and walked up and down the narrow aisles and rows. . I was joking with one of the girlies that I would probably have nightmares about being crushed by the massive banks, or of feeling squeezed in the close, narrow aisles, seeing thousands upon thousands of colour-coded numbers close in on me!!! I have assembled charts and seen what happens to all the documentation from all the different areas. I have even seen my own work on these charts, which was weird for me! but cool!! (yes, i checked for mistakes and happily didn't find any!! phew!)

I've been so happy to be in with everyone, taking breaks and having lunch with these wonderful people, catching up on things - though we all keep in touch via e-mail - it's such a great thing to have hugs, share laughs, find out where the chocolate stash is, work side by side. It has spoiled me to the point that I'm going to really find it hard to transition back to solitude - a thing I have never taken to and probably never will -- at least not when it comes to work. Companionship makes work lighter and more enjoyable (most of the time!) Being alone is nice sometimes, but not all the time. I think it's unnatural to work alone and I really dislike it.

Our work place is big, but not huge. . . you see people in the halls, in the caf, in the lobby, walking in at the start of the day and out at the end. It's really about community and commonality. I've been able to hear, in person, some touching news , sad news, funny stories, exciting stories and I feel so privileged to be in a position to listen and share.

Girls (and a few guys over the years!!) you know who you are! I cannot ever tell you what you mean to me and how you've made me a better person. I can't really describe just how amazing it is to share the details and experiences of life with all of you. I pray for you all often and I think the world of you. You are all beautiful and wonderful and you have my genuine, whole-hearted admiration.

trialing the new camera

I'm taking it along with me whenever we go out. It's fun to see what my new Pentax can do! It's really easy to use. I like . . .yeah. .
















the grandkiddies are favourite subjects. . natch!
























Robbie has an interesting look in his eyes. . .and he is kinda glowy. .

Weekend in pictures

Tapas at the Royal Botanical Gardens - Friday night.









Black Creek Pioneer village scenes. . . . Sunday
Print shop












Flour mill













Saddlery - James sitting out front!!!

I'm happy! Can you tell?

What a great thing it is to have love in your life. These are just 2 of the people I love and who love me! My grandson, James and my granddaughter, Erica. . Rob teases me and tells me that when i smile my eyes squint. . and well, he's right! I look like a dork - but a happy one!

Oh, birthdays - they don't feel like anything at the time, but you have enough of them and your body starts feeling the effects of time passing! I love to think of every year that goes by as a great present that lasts for 365 days.

and these 2 little cuties. . are some of the best 'presents' ever! (next to my daughters, of course!! and oh, my husband. . .i'd better say that or he may feel miffed. . but he knows i love him like crazy!)

Sorry, i'm lazy tonight. . i can't think of one good thing to say - so i'm doing the picture thing!!! ha ha!!! 

Birthday

Hello everybody. As you might have guessed by me saying "Hello everybody"that this is not Kathy but Her husband Rob.I've commandeered her blog just to let you know that today is her........ BIRTHDAY!!!!!! Probably shouldn't tell you her age. I have to live with her!!
Lets just say she doesn't look old enough to be a grandmother.

HappyBirthday Kathy

state of the world

All kinds of things have been percolating down there, in my inner self. I've been hard pressed to attach words to them, this is the first time i've had time to myself to even try. I hope the words stick and that they match up? It's a rare thing to authentically match thoughts and words. This is one of those times when i sit at the computer with absolutely no idea of where to go, but I'll let myself go and see what happens.

I've been distressed these days watching the news, the world seems to be having seizures and they just don't seem to stop -- they start at one point and they shake the whole thing. There are so many points of origin and so much tumult. Those of us sucking on popsicles and listening to music feel strange, living so blithely in this continent while things are so convulsed elsewhere. We feel the rumblings and they give us pause. I can't reconcile it all in my mind and my heart. I feel odd.

The moon and sun stay their courses - bearing mute witness to it all. The stars appear nightly, on schedule. Everything here is as it should be. Trees are strong and vibrantly coloured. The sky looks the same. The soil is busy producing food for us. It all works, until i turn on the TV or the computer and I see twistedness and crumbling and naked grief, enraged crowds of people pumping their fists in the air - cut away to photogenic, well-dressed people who look me in the eye and in measured tones say words like: strike, launch, hit, dead, flee, retaliate -- until i can't stand it and i change the channel to something benign like the food network or the learning channel. . but somehow watching people bbq shrimp or have a makeover is something i can't seem to watch either and i turn it all off and i sit there, stunned.

When i burn my hand my entire body ceases to be about it's components. The wound throbs with urgency and insistence, bringing a sharp, singular focus to that damaged part -- my thoughts are all about it, my brain formulates a plan of treatment and the rest of my body complies and carries out the plan.

it's easy to tune things out. but easy isn't always best and easy doesn't heal.

You know, i'll think leave the other things in there for now. This seemed to be closest to the surface. Maybe now I can sort out the other stuff? it's not going anywhere.

My baby on her birthday!

This is my 'baby' . She's 20 today!!! She's having a birthday party moment here with her niece. Eri! I have to pinch myself. . . I can't believe that 20 years have gone by. Can I be that old? Can she actually be starting her third year of university? It's wonderful, don't get me wrong!!! I have so many memories of baby Kalyn and little girl Kalyn and teenaged Kalyn. 20??!!!! Wow! Sometimes I feel like it's all been a fantastic blur! I'm writing in pink, because she LOVES pink and it's my favourite colour too!! Can you tell from my template?!!! LOL. She probably won't read this, cuz she's not into blogging, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KK!!! You are well on your way now. Adulthood, independence , career, first car (and payment!!) It's all unfolding. . .God is with you, your family is with you and all your friends are too!

Much love, Mom xoxo ((((((HUG!!))))))) 

Opa and Nana spend time with Jimmy and Eri

Thought you might like to see some pics of us with our grandchildren! They light up every room they inhabit and they certainly have captured our hearts!!! (not to mention they have toys and books and such on every floor and in every room of our house!!)




Opa (Rob) on his birthday. James and Erica on his knees, having just blown out ALL THOSE CANDLES! on his "Ultimate Chocolate Espresso Cake"!! (made just to make him extra happy!) The candles lying here on the table have all had the icing licked off of them! James, well he's a man's man. . he is currently in a Johnny Cash phase and can sing Folsom Prison Blues in it's entirety, while playing a mean air guitar! He loves to play "Midtown Madness" vehicle chase game. . and WW II Flight Simulator. He searches out the Titanic coffee table book, lines up toy trains and cars. He has to have Opa throw him on the couch (from a decent, manly height), then he and Eri must have a 'horseback ride' through the main floor. He usually sets up his Hotwheels loop track. He has to make a trip to the backyard to play outside. Sometimes he wants to dance to fiddle music and he often helps Nana prepare food!




Eri and Nana (me) reading! Yes, she's wearing 'rose-coloured glasses'!!! She has these rituals that must be done every visit. . of which reading is a big one! There's also putting on make up, looking in the cupboards, checking out the fridge, chalking on the message board, chasing the dog all around the house, playing the piano , saying "Nana" over and over again and drawing happy faces.

The kids have a thing for chocolate milk and waffles with chocolate sauce happy faces. James likes 'gronilla' bars and Eri prefers anything that can be dipped into some sort of condiment.





Together, their fascinations include: 'ghostez', mummies, Pirates of the Caribbean, the Titanic, puppets, trains, the airplane museum, the 1800s, medieval times, drawing, our dog, KK's drum kit, the piano, makeup, wearing grown up's shoes, phones and the photo gallery on our fridge. 

Summer!!!

I have cold beverages. Wanna come over for a visit? We can have berries and cherries. I may even make a rhubarb strawberry pie!!!

balance

tricky. . . balance is tricky.

It seems like life is designed to throw you off balance and a lot of living seems to consist in trying to fight against this tendency to pitch wildly in one direction or the other. Living can seem so pre-emptive, corrective. Think about it for a bit. Your daily life. How much of a balancing act is that?! Each part of you - body, soul, spirit needs balance and the whole 'you' needs it.

Basic stuff - eating, sleeping, being active. It's just so easy to screw these things up - never mind the other stuff! I feel like I don't quite have a handle on even the basics. I try to eat well, but I don't always succeed. I've wasted pennies making wishes to eat whatever and not suffer for it! I have not been given a supersonic metabolism. D'OH! I don't listen to my body when it tells me it's tired. I'm a notorious nighthawk. I'm even proud of this and 'wear' it as if it's some badge of honour! Silly, I know. It's true that I love the night. . it's when I feel at my best. It's my time. I happened to marry a man who's so much the same! So yeah, neither of us has the sense God gave us!!! GO TO BED!!! But I'm always pushing the envelope. . now it's turning around to bite me you know where! I have learned that I cannot stay up till 2 a.m. every day and expect not to suffer for it in so many ways. Being active. . . well thankfully I've more often tended to want control in this area than not. I really have fallen right off the other end though. I swear, I've had times in my adult life when I've gone "Jabba". . I do NOT want to move. . I wanna sit or lie around. I don't want to care about my muscles or my body fat to lean muscle mass ratio! Sometimes, in the past, I've said "Ptooey!" to fitness and thought of fitness buffs as obsessive and shallow. But now I do understand how necessary it is to move and get in shape and stay in shape. Balance.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Emotions, thoughts, spirit. . there's so much to balance and it's the heaviest stuff and it so easily tips the scale. I think it depends a lot on personality. I'm so prone to excess in every way. I don't just like things I must LOVE them! I am not touched by another's emotions or situations, I'm devastated by them. I don't often think 'meh' about anything. . I have to FEEL and the quality of feeling is, of course, intense. I cannot control my tears. I cannot control my tongue. I cannot control my thoughts. . they're always running fast and furious. I am not angered, I'm enraged. I'm not interested, I'm excited! Control? Balance? Help, I need help!!! I make myself crazy, and though I feel unrestrained and think I should be constrained, there rises this feeling of exuberance so real it's almost got a form, which I have to throw my arms around. Is that weird that I embrace my imbalance? It seems so much a part of me I think I love it?

Life does throw a lot at us. We're all notoriously out of balance. . It's hard to remain centered. Society sends out a constant barrage of messages and images - makes us teeter and topple. Sometimes I think about this and I get mad. It's hard to remain unscathed, unaffected. Maybe monks can remain unaffected. Maybe hermits. Maybe those who have switched off and opted out. If i think of things globally i feel 'sullied and unusual' (thanx for that one, Captain Jack!). Such wild swings of the pendulum. Opulence, hideous poverty. Greed, grace. Lush, barren. Industry, indolence. Sometimes I'm amazed that the planet can still turn on it's axis, cuz it's so off! I can picture the developing countries as if all those people were on a teeter totter and us in the West, we're holding them up in the air and they're screaming "Let us down, Charlie Brown!" and we are so 'fat' we can hold them up without even trying. We're sleek and unconcerned. We don't hear them and we tip it our way and hold it there interminably. Balance?

Spirit. . what is that? what does that mean? This is probably the biggest area of humanity's imbalance of all the areas that exist. So much to say, so much to say. But how to say it? To me, spirit is the thing you're missing. . the thing you can't fill up, the thing you can't buy, the thing you can't put your finger on, the thing that nags at you in your quietest moments, the thing that's missed when everything else has been checked off. Spirit is the thing that won't let you be. You can do anything and everything to ignore it. You can try. Some people even make it all the way to the exit ramp procrastinating, avoiding spirit's quiet certainty. Spirit is who you are supposed to be. Spirit is your vital connection to The One and there is only one and if you've read my stuff before, you know I'm saying it's God and I would not put this out there if I didn't believe with every cell in my body this is true. People are really good at avoiding and replacing, making do, bypassing. I know and I did. I'll let you know something if you don't know. This one area, spirit, it's the one that makes people nuts, it makes them go off in a million different directions, following this philosophy and that idea, and the other group and every shifting wind that blows. It's also the one area that makes people angry, the one that makes them roll their eyes, the one that divides them, makes them change the subject, makes them tune out. This one area is the key to balance for every single thing, every area of life and living.

Balance.

good book and a bowl of cherries

Rob's playing his friend's Tele in the basement, messin' around with pedals and effects. I'm up on the couch reading Carson McCuller's "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter". I had a hankering for cherries, so i'm into a bowl of them now. They're a rich maroon colour and they're good and sweet, smooth-skinned and juicy.

I'm just getting into this novel. I love the way it's written:

"He began to name over parts of his coming meal. When he spoke of food his face was fierce with gusto. With each word he raised his upper lip like a ravenous animal. 'Roast beef with gravy. Rice. And cabbage and light bread. And a big hunk of apple pie. I'm famished. Oh, Johnny, I can hear the Yankees coming. And speaking of meals, my friend, did I ever tell you about Mr. Clark Patterson, the gentleman who owns the Sunny Dixie Show? He's so fat he hasn't seen his privates for twenty years and all day he sits in his trailer playing solitaire and smoking reefers. . ."

"He watched the game of his friend and felt the mild, quiet afternoon merge with the darkness of evening. The firelight made dark, silent waves on the walls of the room."

"He waited for the black, terrible anger as though for some beast out of the night. But it did not come to him. His bowels seemed weighted with lead, and he walked slowly and lingered against fences and the cold, wet walls of buildings by the way. Descent into the depths until at last there was no further chasm below. He touched the solid bottom of despair and there took ease."

This story, set in the 'dirty 30s', deals with racial tension among the residents of a mill town in Georgia. I'm really enjoying this tale and I'm staring at a bowl full of pits and stems here now. Time for a refill!

Are you reading anything good at the moment? I'd love to hear about it!!!

canoeing the Grand

Robbie and I enjoyed a good couple of hours on the surface of the Grand River yesterday. What a treat. First time we had the canoe out this season. We hate to look in the backyard, see the canoe unused, waiting for us. Sadly our schedule doesn't often allow us the time to get out there.

A bit of coolness. . As we drove, we saw this truck pulling a HUGE canoe, unlike any other we'd seen. Turns out it was a replica of an old 'voyageur' canoe and this was her maiden voyage. 10 eager people jumped into this gorgeous bark, to which we deferred departure in order to allow all the ladies on shore to video this auspicious launch (complete with champagne!) without us in the picture. They were so excited! The man who had laboured restoring this baby was calling out the rowing 'assignments'!! They paddled vigorously into the deeps. . and we pushed off and paddled in the opposite direction. Rob was in the rear and could better see them - they lasted all of 5 minutes and they were out!!! We wagered guesses. . did they take on water? was that just to say that they did it, and then they disembarked to party it up? We'll probably never know, but it really piqued our curiosity!!

I had to paddle from the middle of the canoe, as my moulded plastic front seat broke on one side . It threw off the balance a bit with me seated in the centre. I couldn't really get a good purchase of paddle into water cuz i was sitting at the widest part of the thing! Made the job a bit tougher than it is normally. This worked out fine paddling downstream with the current, wind at our backs. We talked and gazed at the gorgeous riverside homes with their private docks, launches, etc. All of them nestled high above water level, their back properties built right onto the rocky walls which line the waterway. Beautiful. Our paddles dipped and occasionally brought up strands of vegetation. There's something about being on the water. . its hard to describe. Really calming. We kept going, past the island that splits the river. . stayed well left of this - its quite shallow and turgid to the right of this habitat for herons and ducks. We rowed on and on, past the golf course - spying so many golf balls on the rocky bottom of this shallow stretch.

We went past the little waterfall on the left. . listening to the splash of the downpour, watching the water course downwards and dilute the algaed shoreline. We saw two large area of weed-choked shore, with a clear path through the middle. . we stayed the course and got through this bottleneck, only to end up stuck fast in some weed that seemed to be just surface stuff. We were thinking that we'd slice right through it. . . not so! It was like padding into cement. We had to push our way out backwards. Thank God we broke free from this stinking, matted trap! We were in uncharted territory and it was cool. I noticed the exceedingly long, thick stranded plant life on the bottom. . how it lay down and grew in the direction of the current. . every single strand of it. . there were no rebels -- each one conformed - as if they had a choice in that strong undertow. That was a truly 'go with the flow' visual. I thought spiritual thoughts. .

Finally I said to Rob that I'd like to turn back. . he agreed, so we reversed and began the return trip. Things were great. . the river was calm and easy. I watched the wind shift and touch the water's surface. There was a single touch point from which this fantastic, flowing pattern appeared before my eyes. . almost like watching the proliferation of ice crystals on a cold windowpane. . it was rapid, sweeping toward us and continued underneath us and beyond. I'd never seen that before. It caught my breath for a moment. As we rounded a bend, carefully staying in the middle of the watery expanse. . we encountered a sudden, furious, hard-driving, stiff wind; against the likes of which we were completely powerless to advance. We paddled hard, my biceps burned from the strain. . my legs braced against either side of the canoe as it tossed on the waves (yes, waves on the river - i'd never seen those!) We managed to steer in such a way as to cut across horizontally - and things got pretty tippy. . we were over the deeps and i was not wanting to go in! I leaned to the right to get better oar/water contact. . not a good idea!!! instantly destabilized us. . Rob yelled out "Don't tip us!" I corrected position and he shouted: 'Keep rowing!' I tried. . I grunted with the effort. . If the weeds had felt like being stuck in cement, rowing in this wind felt like nothing i can describe!! We finally caught a break from the wind and got back in the right direction. I could see the docks!!! Hallelujah!!! Watching us from the nearby, hilly shore was a couple and their child. . their rental canoe lay face down on the grass. They were waiting to be picked up. As we neared them, the woman called out "Why bother?!" Had to admit, she was right. We joked and laughed back and forth. We were able to paddle, though it was still difficult and after taking way longer than usual to get back. . we got stuck once more, in some sucking, quick-sandy mud near the far dock. More back paddling through the fetid glop. . such a disgusting odour!

Man! was it nice to get out of that position, stretch the legs and have some relief from that intense work!!! The Grand threw us a real challenge this trip, which we appreciated and learned from. Its NOT always smooth paddling, when you get stuck you've gotta go back to get out of it, your hard work and direction may suddenly be challenged and even changed and you have no choice but submit if you wish to keep from exhausting yourself, or falling in deep and last but not least, being up against a powerful force makes you realize how small and powerless you really are!!! I didn't bank on a spiritual lesson. I envisioned a sweetly sublime row out and back. Instead I got a 2-hour lesson in humility, weakness and how to go with the flow. A short while after we got home and sat down, the fatigue set in. . but it felt good in every way.

My Canada

Happy Birthday, Canada!!!!

You are my home and native land.
I love your rocks and trees and water. . some people may joke that's all you are, but we know better!
I love your mountains. . they make me feel so small and fill me with awe.
I love your oceans and your lakes, your rivers - life giving and sustaining.
You are diversely and beautifully cultured -- so many nations in one. We all belong.
You have enduring symbols, heroes, icons, celebrities, sports -- Banting, Trudeau, the maple leaf, the beaver, basketball, the loon, Tommy Douglas, hockey, Tim Horton's, RCAF, The Great One, Canadian Tire!!
You're self-effacing and modest.
Your heart is peaceful.
Your social programs, though certainly flawed, are so appreciated.
Your politicians, though clay-footed, govern and advocate for all of us.
Your democracy and freedom - though lacking fanfare and trumpeting abroad - is precious and too often underappreciated.
Canada. . i don't tell you often enough how much i love and appreciate you!
I love your 'flavour'. . not too strong, not too bland. . to me you're just right.
I love your tolerance, but please do guard against being so completely open that you don't stand up for anything, especially your own founding principles.
I was born within your boundaries and will most likely end my life within those same boundaries.
I've traveled to other countries. I've seen their beauty and experienced their flavour.
For me, there's nothing like coming home to you.
Canada, its an honour to be one of yours.

don't feel so bloggy

I'm feeling lately like i don't have much to say. This may excite some of you?! (as you anticipate a short-winded post?). I realize I have a tendency to 'go long', but I'm not usually cognizant of length so much as just going with it when i'm in the 'blog-writing zone'! The breeze is so fresh today. The climbing vines on the deck trellises are gorgeously green. I love the rustling sound they make as the wind disturbs them. Our umbrella and table/chairs looks really inviting. We've already spent some beautiful outdoor time. As I sit here I can see right through the sliding glass door and I feel like those cushioned chairs are calling me. Summer in this part of Ontario can be so lovely. Today I would say early summer beauty is at it's zenith. The flowers are all in bloom, though the grass is a tad on the parched side. Our planting is done. I'm saying a prayer for my now planted, dried-out perennials. They may come back? I hope so!! They got a dose of Miracle gro and i'm giving them lots of H2o. I love to enjoy the gardens. . just don't enjoy putting in the work! Maybe when I'm retired I'll become the stereotypical grandmother out in her gardens, weeding and pruning. I can't see it. . but I won't rule it out. Young grandmothers like me don't fit 'the mould'. I don't buy my clothes at Tan-Jay or Northern Reflections *massive shudder*. I don't know how to knit or crochet. I don't have dentures. I work full time. I don't wear high-waisted, tapered leg, or pleat-front pants! (God greatly forbid!) I don't call my grandchildren "dear", I don't have bifocals and I don't wear support hose.

I missed watching CBC "Sunday" today. . http://www.cbc.ca. I slept in. (I did way too much yesterday physically and stayed up WAY too late!) Instead I sat down with a couple of good CDs. . . downhere's "Wide Eyed and Mystified" and Brian Houston's "Rollercoaster". I read my Bible. I'm working into the 90s in the Psalms. . and I'm in Colossians as well. . I journaled my prayers. I like that . . I'm really into journaling. . have been for years. I don't write a 'did this, went there' diary. I write to God and tell Him exactly what I'm thinking, how i'm feeling. . of course He knows and no, I don't have to do that. . its for me - but i think He loves that i write to Him. I thank Him, I ask him questions. I ask Him for answers. I lay it all out on the pages. What gives me a great buzz is that I can go back and write in the dates of answers to my questions and pleas. . its like proof to help me believe that He's the genuine article, which experientially I know him to be. I get a lot more out of sitting in the quiet with Him. . this is where I need to be at this point in my life. It may seem a bit 'isolationist' to those who feel it necessary to 'go to church'. For the past 2 years, this has been my 'church'. Maybe i'm in a desert place, but I'm at the oasis. I'm no longer wandering delirious and ragged with thirst. I'm not crawling on my belly in the dust. . I'm seeing a path and I'm walking it. I'm learning to be in relationship with the invisible Almighty. I love this time. I love how He's become my teacher, He's the one I look to and admire. He's the one I ask questions of. He's the one who is there for me, always. He's the one who gives me dreams. He's the one who takes up residence in my spirit. . He's the one who sets the example. He's the reason I exist and He's the reason I breathe, think, speak and move. I've learned that without Him I am a black hole of self. . . taking everything in and giving nothing out. The power of self is frightening but there is a greater power. I'm learning about daily, sometimes hourly what it is to surrender my will. . to His. If I surrender, I can change from a black hole, where no light gets out, to a supernova. . light exploding out from the centre, eliminating darkness. Its not my light. . its His. . not my power. . not my anything. . this is what i'm learning, its not about me, its all about Him. *i'm no expert on deep space. . but these seemed to fit in here!*

This is where I am in my spirit. I'm in training. I'm learning. I'm just excited to own a spirit! I know that I've always had one. . but it was given up for dead before I began to know Jesus and follow after Him. That is as honest as I can be. This is what my entire new life has amounted to, knowing and following. There's a lot out there to know and there are lots of people and paths and 'beliefs' to follow. . i've been there. . now I'm here with Him. . I like this much better.

Wow. . this started out to be about 'nothing', then shifted to the weather, then the desert. . now we're in deep space and in the spirit realm. .

I should go. . . its been a good day. Thanx for going along with me here. . yes, it was a little 'all over the place' but that's just how my thoughts are going tonight.

hell's kitchen

Gordon Ramsay. . the shar pei of the culinary world! Gordon, the wrinkled one. Gordon the rugby-playing chef. Gordon the laughing all the way to the bank chef. Gordon, the Profane One. Gordon the TV star. Gordon the restaurateur. Gordon the blond. Gordon the hot tempered. We love Gordon!!!!

http://www.fox.com/hellskitchen

click and go to hell. . . .'s kitchen!!

Robbie and I are hopelessly hooked on Gordon Ramsay.
http://foodtv.ca/ontv/titledetails.aspx?titleid=96344

I love to watch cooking shows, so no surprise there. Rob just loves Gordon cuz Gordon's so brashly outspoken. We always laugh when the bleeped out dialogue is more than the kept in dialogue! We just look at each other with open-mouthed, shocked hilarity and we laugh and gasp when he calls people "wankers" or idiots. We love to see how dorky people can be. . running restaurants when they can't cook, owning bars when they have no business sense. We are delightfully aghast when we see the insane scenarios in his "Kitchen Nightmares" adventures. Chef Ramsay travels the U.K., hired by desperate owners in hopes of redeeming their troubled businesses. Oh the filthy kitchens, gungy kitchens, messy, bug infested, cluttered! Gross! We watch in disbelief as 'head chefs' who couldn't cook to save their lives invite a big gun like Ramsay to give them a shake down and a smack upside the head as only Gordo can do! They're ballsy or ridiculous. . not sure which. Some of the visited establishments are top drawer, with imported foods, fine linens on the front of house tables, and no bodies at these tables. . pricing themselves right out of business, or serving the wrong kind of cuisine for the region. Gordo's impressive business sense, his kitchen leadership knowledge, his culinary skills. . . and his no nonsense delivery is pure magic. He's every ailing and failing restaurant's brutal saviour.

Hell's Kitchen. . . bamalam! This series makes "Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares" Gordon look like Mr. Rogers. . whoa!! Like the million other 'reality shows' out there. . this one has eliminations every episode until that magic moment when the winning chef is given their own restaurant to run. The difference is location and occupation. Kitchen and chef. No island or torches. No board room. No race around the world. Just a screaming, swearing Scotsman in your face and on your case! I don't think I could take the abuse these wannabe chefs take?! They are all thrown into full service in 2 side-by-side, busy restaurant kitchens and asked to complete service each night. Naturally they can't do this and the results are spellbinding. Its like watching a trainwreck. . you can't look away, even though you may want to. Rapid-fire ticket reading by Gordon. . mass confusion as no one remembers the orders, no one seems to know how to cook the menu items properly. . communication doesn't happen, food is wasted and Gordon is screaming: "F*&@ Me!!! is that what you call a Wellington? throw it out!, F**&in' he**" "I said, 2 risotto, 1 scallop, 1 wellington and 1 salmon, now effin' MOVE!!!" F&@#!!! All the trainees are cracking under the pressure. . dithering, "Yes Chef-ing" and "No, Chef-ing". Gordon is fuming and muttering 'bloody He$$' shaking his blond noggin, furrowing his already lined brow. During last night's show he became so shocked as he watched the teams disintegrating into chaotic panic. . He quietly *for a change* said to his maitre'd: "I feel like I'm cooking with Muppets." At which point he then shouted his trademark: "SHUT IT DOWN!!!" The ovens are turned off and the beleagured trainees visibly slump and wilt. Rob and I exchange knowing glances and head nods. Rob often tries to predict the exact moment when 'the words' are coming by gauging the size of Ramsay's bulging neck veins! Its crazy fun watching this man's shows. Sometimes I think Gordon needs to attend an Anger Managament course. He's a rage-a-holic, but he's also hilarious and really affable when he's not pissed off.

So, if i've made you curious. . . check these shows out! If you're already a Gordon fan. . . what do you think of the inimitable Mr. Ramsay? We love him!!! There's no one like him in the world of 'food tv'. . . an angry, yelling Scotsman!!

breathing

I hate being an asthmatic. I especially hate it when i catch something that's 'going around'. The average person will get an annoying cold, take their nyquil or whatever and they'll be able to get through it. I get the bug and right away it descends into my lungs, my 'twitchy airways' start doing what they do best. . constricting. I get the telltale heaviness and pressure like I have a baby elephant laying across my chest. Usually it will take about 5 - 7 days to get into this kind of trouble for me. This time 'round it only took 2. It kind of scared me how aggressive this 'whatever it is' got in there. I had a scratchy throat for a day and a half and them this incredible fatigue, like i couldn't sit upright, you know? then the cough. . the kind that burns when you cough, and aches. There there's the breathing. . . yesterday i did nothing except work my shift and sleep every chance i got. today I took a walk with Robbie and the puppy!! *Maggie!* I was gasping on level ground and that was AFTER my puffer. Pathetic. I saw the doc the other day, he had a listen and wrote me yet another prescription for Zithromax (antibiotic). I think I should get him to do a standing script order, cuz this happens to me usually once per season.

He talked to me about trying Singulair again. . (once a day pill) I tried it before, didn't seem to do much for me. He said its 50/50 . . for half of asthmatics its a wonder drug and for the others, doesn't do a thing! Figures i'd be in the latter group!!!! When I took this in addition to my puffer i was spending $160 a month on asthma medications. Thank God for drug plans and for living in a country where health care is pretty decent and accessible. What would happen to me if I couldn't afford to buy the medication that keeps me alive?!

Anyway, I'm tired again. . gotta get some rest. Sometimes i dream of being able to breathe like I used to when I was a child, before all this. I don't remember what it feels like to ever get one complete breath. I don't remember what its like to not take puffers two and three times a day. I don't know what it feels like to go for a walk in the cold without my airways closing off. I don't remember what its like to be able to withstand humidity without hiding in central aired buildings. I don't remember what it feels like to get a normal cold. I don't remember not wheezing and I hate that I don't remember all of these normal things. bah.

turbo jam and my fitness life

So this is now THE adjunct to my vigorous dancing, yeah, baby!! Its a big energy ball of fun,sweat and pain called TURBOJAM. . and I LOVE it!!! More on that to come. . first the insane journey of my fitness life:

I have tried sooo many fitness regimens over the years. . you name it!!! Callanetics, ballet muscle work (still love it!), Yoga (been doing that since "Lillias, Yoga and You" in the 70s!!) I have always flirted with dance classes -- back in the 70s at the downtown YW in steeltown, in the 80s when my kiddies were young with the old DanceFit! and now with whatever style captures my fancy. . bellydancing, burlesque!! ooh la la! -no, not the Carmen Electra stuff. . I have the fruity, hippie chicks of "Yoga Booty Ballet"!! What they lack in heat, they make up for in coquettish cuteness! I've done some Brazilian street dance and swing too, though that's hard to learn alone. That's just my dance DVD collection! My heart still belongs to my beloved "Shemotions". .the live experience is the best.
What an amazing group of women! We meet twice a week to bust our moves and we sweat and laugh. AND EVEN MORE EXCITING, I'M DANCING WITH BOTH OF MY DAUGHTERS NOW!!! They're hooked!!! YES!

I have periodically haunted the exclusively women's gyms. . BORING!!! The only things I enjoyed were the live classes with all their energy. . Tina's Jammin' Cardio topping the list. . with all that hip hop and lyrical jazz. .FANTASTIC!!! What else have a tried?! *i get restless* I've tried all the Kathy Smith stuff. . . and she was THE QUEEN for a while. . I don't know what she hasn't done?! maybe spread things a bit thin? I've stepped up and down and sideways and backwards in step classes and at home, I've worked out to "The Firm" with its strength training and cardio intervals. . I've done TV exercise shows: "Charlene Prickett" was one of my faves. . I've done the Jane Fonda tapes, even had the leg warmers! ACK!!! I LOVED trampolining with my mini tramp!!! Its fun, but yeah, its only SO fun jumping up and down once the bombastic thrill wears off. Billy Blanks' Tae Bo. . . FRANTIC and yet so boring. . . wha?! Can frantic BE boring? Yes, it can. blech. . . I always felt when I did Tae Bo like i should have been more caffeinated like everyone on the video seemed to be !! Especially this one woman. . man was she 'out there', glassy eyed, twitchy. . *shudder*

Winser Pilates. . .yawn. . oh the bloomin' POWERHOUSE. . powerhouse this and powerhouse that. . engage it, watch it, engage it again. Ms. Winser, she just needed a pointing stick to wrap ppl on their flabby powerhouses. . she constantly prowled amongst the Pilatians. . she never seemed to DO the exercises herself!! The Crunch -they do everything, but meh. . okay. . kind of like the fitness equivalent of cream cheese, kinda bland. . . . Oxycise. . (stretching and deep breathing - I actually do need reminding to breathe deeply!) Tony Little!!!!! talk about FRANTIC!!!!! I always felt like I needed a VALIUM after watching him. Positively hyperkinetic. He always seems dangerously close to having a stroke, with the veins in his neck and forehead bulging as he screams. . ahhhh, give me a break! I don't want more stress when I exercise, I want to banish it!!!

I won't even get into detail with exercise equipment I've bought and sold over the years!!! OI!!! So many things. . . so stupid of me to think that I would stick with them!!! I've sworn off machines all together. .I don't like them at a club, I don't like them in my house. I don't like them with a mouse. I just don't like green eggs and ham! If I can't use my body and maybe just some tubing or barbells, I don't want anything to do with it. After so many zigs and zags along the way I've learned a few important things:
1. I will ALWAYS need to work out. Housework don't cut it, neither does running after kids or working full time, nor does walking the dog. . just ain't gonna do it.
2. Even if you look like you don't need to work out like my girls, they're slim. . ppl say to them "Why do you need to exercise?!!!" EVERYBODY needs to.
3. Your must LOVE what you're doing or you won't keep doing it. And even if you DO love it, there are days when you're not gonna feel like doing it!! But unless you're sick in bed with a dreadful fever, you must! Do it anyway and you won't be sorry.
4. If you fall off the wagon. . . like i've done more times than I would care to confess. . your body will happily get accustomed to the activity again! its a glutton for good treatment. Its too easy to get fat and happy! I know. Gaining weight is too easy. . and if its the result of eating too much of that yummy, delicious food and just sitting on one's heiny its even fun! But once that weight's on there. . man, so NOT fun!!! UGH. Bad. .
5. If you have physical illnesses, limitations, conditions. . . work around them, do what you can, have your physio, take your meds, do an alternate activity that will benefit your body and give your stressed parts the rest they need. No excuses. I've had times when I've been stricken right down and unable to do anything. But I always told myself that I would get back there again.
6. Middle age or grandparenthood, having had children, having arthritis, having a thyroid condition. . all excuses! BAH!! I will not excuse my laziness or my bad choices. . I will own up to them and put them behind me and I will work and not fool myself into thinking that I don't have to keep up that work and diligence. . cuz I know that inside of me is an out of control woman who must be kept in line.

So, back to TJ. . . I haven't called it that yet! first time!! does that mean I'm becoming a veteran?! heh heh. . . Chalene Johnson - creator of TurboJam - she's a little pepmeister, with dimpled cheeks and flaxen locks. . I could just squeeze her she's that adorable!! She doesn't just HAVE a powerhouse, SHE IS ONE!!! well, maybe a powercottage, cuz she's so teeny! Chalene has a martial arts, kickboxing and dance b/g. . so imagine the hybridized fun?! Can you? I find it so appealing. . the punching makes me feel STRONG, especially getting into that horse stance doing the Tae Kwon Do punching and blocking, the Brazilian Capoeira moves are FABULOUS and empowering. . The kicking!!! woah, the kicking - great for getting out that pent up or unused energy or stress. The dancey groove is so great and the music gets in your head! and its good!!! After I'm done. . I go around the house growling: 'I'M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT. . MOMMA SAYS KNOCK YOU OUT!!' My family isn't impressed. . Chalene's moves are so unique. . fun, HARD! Yep. .I feel bodily different already! I don't think i've ever been this excited about any fitness program in my life! My obliques are solidifying daily, i'm developing lines and contours. . my legs are muscling up from all the dancing and now this. . POW!

Just getting the word out there. . TURBOJAM! The hyperlinks aren't working! WAH!! If you're inclined, you can visit www.beachbody.com and check out Chalene's TJ. . If you like shaking your stuff, punching the air and kicking it too. . .you can be a Jammer!

evening is a beautiful time

Right now I'm sitting here beside my sliding door, the inside door is open. I can feel the fresh air on my skin. Its not quite twilight. . ahhhh. . love that time when everything cools off, activity wise and temperature wise too - unless you get one of those close, humid nights that annoy rather than soothe. This is one of those green, soothing times. I'm listening to a cacophony of bird calls right now -- can you hear them?! I swear they're that loud! My neighbourhood is of the older, matured tree variety *i.e. many trees are 75 + years old* -- bird 'condos' all over the place here! Do you ever wonder what the birds are saying to each other? I wonder! I love to hear them, except when I have insomnia and its 3:45 a.m. and they're starting up with their little sing songs and i have yet to sleep a wink!!

The twilight comes like God turning the dimmer switch. The sky darkens incrementally, the glow of sunset plays out on the golden red edges of the horizon as purple night softly settles. I love that God did things like this. . really there was no need for him to make it all beautiful, except that's how He is. If he had been inclined to make the daily/nightly switch abrupt, he could have -- imagine blazing sun. . . BAM!!! inky black sky. . blazing heat -- sudden chill. I love that He's so present in every detail of night fall and sunrise and everything in between. He's not abrupt or clumsy. . He's graceful and adept, masterful.

I see the clouds through the screen. . greyish violet, billowing, thick. . Doesn't it look so much like you could grab them? don't they look substantive? Puffs of gas. . majestic and protective, shifting, sheltering. The air smells wet and life giving. It feels dense and pleasingly cool.

The birds are still clucking, and peeping. . but they're quieting. Stillness hangs. . breezeless calm, interrupted only by intermittent traffic noise. Moon and stars have yet to come into view. It won't be long. Have you ever owned a Lite Brite on which you've made pictures with rainbow-coloured plastic pegs over the dark-papered light box? Have you then pulled out all the coloured plastic pegs and looked at the white light glowing through the holy black paper? This is the night sky! Yes? (just different pictures - no clowns or ice cream cones)

I just wandered out bare foot into the yard, the grass feels lush and damp. I padded down the grassy hill, through the gate and stood on the sidewalk. I wanted to get a better look at the sky. As I turned my gaze I was greeted by the beaming full moon. . . Oh, its so gorgeous. What is it that so captures us when we see it? Is it the knowledge of its foreverness on display every night? Its mystique? its membership in 'club universe'? If we explain the light refraction from a ball of gas and fire onto a rocky orb, doesn't sound so lovely. And yes, technically speaking, its precisely that. . but it is lovely and serene. I love the romanticized way we view it.

The birds have ceased. The night has fallen, tucking everything in its big, dark blanket. All is perfectly quiet for a moment, save for the remote, distorted echo of a passing freight train with its mournful, off-key whistle. The corner streetlight's golden halo mesmerizes a frantic cloud of insects. Crickets chirp in harmony. I am quiet, observing, participating. The moon peers through the high branches of the maple tree. I take a draft of night air into my lungs, hold it and exhale slowly. . . ahhhhhhhhh. . .

this woman's mind

Ever get so many thoughts zinging through your mind that you just want to blow a whistle to give them all a time out?! I do believe its a gender thing. Every woman i know is the same -- thinking, thinking all the time, often being kept awake by their overactive brains. Rob and I once watched a documentary on the brain. It was fascinating. Okay, this is a bit of a tangent, but its related, so please indulge me?! When Rob and I watch tv he's alert with regular programming, but man, you sit that man down to view a documentary. . . he checks right out. I watch him, which annoys him greatly, but i get a kick out of it! watching his head bob or snap back when he feels himself nodding off. HA!!! Before i know it, his mouth is wide open and his head's on his chest. I'm chuckling right now just thinking about it! In this documentary we were shown comparative CT scans of women's and men's brains - at rest and active. You know those scans where red, orange and yellow are 'hot' colours which indicate activity and blues and greens conversely are cool colours which signal lessened activity? The woman's AT REST brain was 50% MORE ACTIVE than the man's ACTIVE brain!!!!! When I saw that my whole life suddenly made sense!!! I finally knew why I was the way i was!!! *Of course I gloated for all womankind -- YEAH! FOR THE SISTERHOOD OF SUPERACTIVE BRAINS!!!* Rob good naturedly, as usual, endured my Ms. Superior pants attitude with great masculine grace. What else could he do when faced with scientific proof?!

I may have these supercharged neurons firing like there's no tomorrow within the lobes of my brain, but so what? I can't lie my head down on the pillow, shut my eyes and be gone like he can! So, its a rather hollow victory. More like a curse!! My thoughts are sometimes like crazy, sugar-high children running amok in the corridors of my mind. They're bumping into each other and trying to beat each other out for attention. I find they're at their most unruly when I'm trying to rest or pray or meditate. At other times i picture them as if they're students sitting at desks wanting the teacher to pick them. .You remember school with those kids? or maybe you've been one of those kids?! Shooting their arm up and supporting it with the other arm, waving it, bouncing in their seat, saying 'OOOH, OOOH, PICK ME!!!!'So desperate to be heard!!! Yep, my thoughts are like an entire classroom of those little buggers.

One of my thoughts tonight as i listened to a very cool CD, (Wide Eyed and Mystified by downhere) *sorry, i tried to create a link, but naturally it didn't work!! grrr!*
while Rob watched Detroit vs Toronto in baseball was, admittedly, a jealous towards men thought. I'm watching these men run around and swing pieces of wood and knock around this little ball (can you tell i'm not a fan?!)I'm thinking: "Imagine if a stadium full of people watched me work and cheered when I spelled a complicated word?" It was a ludicrous thought. . but it amused me. I imagined them doing the wave when I was able to properly hear a technical phrase from a difficult to understand accent. I have a really background kind of job, you know. . .it pays the mortgage. sigh. . .Sometimes i think that a career making dog biscuits would be more exciting. I also thought of my friends in this cool band (see above)*since I was listening to them!* They do their job to applause and screams and 'woohs' (I know that's not why they do what they do - but its probably nice!). . and the juxtaposition of that kind of public feedback for people doing public jobs; applying it to my beige job, well it was just silly but you can be guaranteed that next Tuesday morning when i get my headset on and i sit at my computer and start listening to droning doctors and start dealing with calculated aortic valve area values and the intricacies of the heart's structure and spelling impossibly long latin names for muscles, some of which I have to look up every flippin time. . I'm gonna be laughing most likely out loud at the thought of thousands of ppl cheering my performance!! BAH! AS IF!!! Whatever gets you through the day?! Geez. . Jon Lovitz gets paid God knows how much money to do those HILARIOUS Subway commercials. . Every time I see those things I laugh loudly! Nobody laughs when I work!!! WAHHH!!!! No, I don't want any cheese with my whine. . though my dog would probably love to have some!

So, while I'm listening to music and keeping half an eye on the ball game, I'm thinking of so much more -- The song "Stir" comes on and though its a cool song about stirring and being stirred in the best, most spiritual sense, every time i heard the word 'stir' all i could think of was cooking and a pot of something on the stove. . and i felt bad for thinking of cooking when I should have been thinking of the beauty of the message - but i kinda laughed at the way my mind works. . Its as if every single word or image is a trigger and all day long my thoughts are itching to be triggered. .and yeah, they're constantly being triggered POP, POP, POP! If you could see inside my head when i'm on the job, I don't even know how i do it. . I work my brain hard with the job lingo and the million and one things we have to remember technically and procedurally and i make myself crazy with all of it sometimes, yet its like i can assign the hard work to one part of 'the class' and the other part of the class is out of their desks, running around, chalking all over the board, climbing onto desktops and jumping off, rolling the trashcan around, getting each other in half nelsons, screaming, throwing spit balls and singing "this is the song that never ends"! I give myself mental fatigue. . oh, i wish I was a man!!!! . . a baseball player, Jon Lovitz, a rock star, Rob . . . Don't tell, but I would gladly trade my womanly cranium for a day, maybe a week or two, just to get some peace. Did i just say that? oh my. . .

so slack. . i know!

hi ya!!! How are you all? My apologies for not writing sooner. I seem to go in fits and starts. I'm so T I R E D . . . blah. . . Work today was hard. . i was 'in house' today. . as the hospital-wide computer module i usually tie into was down all day for an upgrade. So, I was filing in the muggy 'corporate storage' dungeon. . I have SO MUCH respect for the girls who do this on a regular basis. It is physical work! Lots of lifting of heavy piles of charts, bending to reach the lowest file banks, pulling out tightly wedged ones and shoving them back in. It was really nice to work with my co workers in person!!!We usually just share a cyber connection - occasionally seeing other at staff meetings and the office brunches. We had a great lunch feast today, courtesy of our boss. So nice. It was equally nice to share a table with everyone! We had one of the private anterooms reserved for us. After lunch I saw my friend Karen's Dominican vac pictures! I saw my friend Peta, who looks like a million bucks despite battling cancer. . she came in to visit us after one of her treatments. Man, today I felt like a troll that was let out from under the bridge! REAL PEOPLE!!!! Working from home is a tough gig. It has its good points. Sure if i wanted to i could sit in my PJs and work like that all day. Yes, its true that I don't fight traffic. On the yuckiest days I'm safe and cosy in my house. No, I don't have to do my hair. Yes, I can sleep till the last minute and then just turn on the computer and 'go to work'. . but it gets lonely really quickly and I REALLY hate that. So it was such a treat to go in today. . I felt so connected.

I danced my *** off tonight!!! POW!! Last evening of the spring session! Monday is our early summer session. I have that song "All She Wants to Do Is Dance" in my head. . and yes, its true -- all i want to do fitness wise anyway is DANCE. . I still can't believe how incredibly enamoured I am with it! All the steps, all the moves. I love the stretching. The mind/body connection is so cool. Dancing isn't just about muscles moving, its about feeling and learning new ways to move yourself in your emotions as well. Remembering the patterns, sequences, keeping count, learning technique, honing it twice a week, every week - it amazes me how it all meshes and synchronizes. The comraderie is unique. Everyone learning and improving together, surprising each other with how we can master even the toughest routines. Going from awkward, tentative beginnings to fluid, precise endings. I will be forever blissfully happy if I can do this for the next ??? years with all my new friends. . what an amazing group of women they are!!! I'm especially excited to be bringing my 2 daughters to the June session!!!! They're really jazzed. . me too!!! I hope that they love it as much as i do?!

Well, its late. . Rob's got a movie still for us to watch. . I'm gonna be up a long time - i may miss some of it?!!! zzzzzzzzzzz. . . . The movie was "New World" with Colin Farrell -- i didn't miss any of it. . really enjoyed it - a bit 'artsy'. . the cinematography was luscious. I didn't catch the credits, so I'm not sure who was responsible for that; superb work.

Dear God,

I want to be open, but i keep closing off.
You must get fed up with me?
I get fed up with me.
Sometimes my heart feels so much - much love for others, sympathy, compassion.
I feel so much love for you, so much awe when i think of and see the evidences of you all around me. . so glorious.
We both know that I hide from you sometimes -
maybe just fearful of what you may ask of me, complete submission to your will
i hide because i misunderstand you,
fearing my loss of control.
Why won't i trust you?
Why?
I know there is no better way. .
yet i find periodically find myself in this hinterland of doubt.
I feel my spirit's potential sometimes - in waves that break over me
still i struggle to surface - afraid of the deep.
Do I have a mental blockage?
Is it my emotional lability?
Physical interference?
I'm so easily waylaid by circumstance,
so easily cooled off
so easily put off.
You are a tenacious one.
I admire you so much
but admiration is not what you want from me
you want it all --
my all.
There have been so many times when I have disbelieved . .
I have not been able to believe that you, GOD are interested in me, kathy.
I've told myself that you don't care overly much,
or i've told myself that I'm not worth much -- a conflicted, complaining bundle of trouble. . .
just one more heart to feed,
one more soul to discipline
one more spirit to resuscitate.
I don't feel worth the trouble. .
People say that because you're God you don't need us,
maybe you don't?
But you do love us. . isn't there need in love?
People say you can't become disillusioned with us, because you don't have illusions - but do you feel disappointment when I miss the obvious over and over and over?
Someone once said to me that you don't have any emotions because you're God and you're above all that. . . I guess they didn't read my Bible - your heart isn't on your sleeve, its in those pages.
People, well they may not always be right, but they're just trying to make sense of it all.
Your love is mysterious, just like everything about you -- your appearance, your 'age', your mind, motives, reasons, your 3-in-1-ness, your power, your Heaven, your judgement. .
I love a good mystery - but i like to be able to figure it out. . . I've given myself a headache when i've tried to 'solve' you.
When I've lulled myself with the surface ways - waded around in the shallows of human existence, i've been all body, emotions, whims and wants - carefully avoiding the call of the deep. . . your voice, your path. . .but you beckon and you instill in me a desire to leave the shallow end and to plunge and be okay with being over my head. I want to be okay, but i'm afraid i'll lose 'me'. . but would i not then be a much improved me? do i trust you?
I want to listen to you.
I'm desperate to dialogue with you - not just whenever i'm seized with the notion, but continually.
I know you're always calling out to me . .you're not the giving up type. . how beautiful can you possibly be? It means the world to me that you won't give up - even though i've given you plenty of what most would consider just cause.
Help me to persistently practice recognizing the sound of your voice.
There's a lot of noise 'out there'.
I often feel like a child with ADHD. . .
I really need you. . back and forth - up and down, its just so tiring. .

craving simple

There's something so beautiful about simplicity.

I especially notice this when things are complicated. Take a day -- you wake up, simple -- then everything after that gets away from you. Depending on what's happening, your day can pick up speed like a runaway train with no brakes!! You almost can't wait to crash, cuz at least then you'll be able to stop!!

Sometimes there are different ways to get crazed, which don't necessarily involve speed so much as feeling like you're covered in superglue and everything is sticking to you and you keep picking up more and more layers as you go along, bogging you down, slowing you down.

Other days its like you have amnesia and you simply forget simple and you make everything 50 x harder than it has to be, frustrating yourself, others and piling more and more 'argh' onto what could have been 'aaaah'. You can suffocate yourself with it and not realize until you can't stop sighing out your tension, or feel those muscles clenching in response to your rising stress levels and it dawns on you that you've let go of easy and swapped it out for difficult.

When I start longing, then i start listening, listening to my common sense, which I admit I sorely neglect sometimes. Do you know what i mean? Like its saying to me "HEY! HEY!!! I'm here. Hello?! Why not keep it simple?" Complexity even seeps into my dreams in the form of anxiety, struggling, frustration. Talk about wake up calls! No pun intended. When my dreams are stressful, i know i've got a problem.

When I start feeling like i've got to daydream of a simple ice cream scooping job in order to be able to live with neverending production deadlines, endless stat requests, pressures to churn out complicated volumes with perfection and accuracy. . i find myself longing to bake cranberry scones and brew tea for wonderful imaginary customers. Sometimes i long to hula hoop with my laughing grandchildren in the green of my backyard in the middle of a work day just because i feel like it! Other times its not even daydreaming, but just finding that I not only long to pare my life down but I need to. Pare down all the stuff that's in my house. Use up all the food in the fridge and not waste or throw it out. Not have 5 bottles of hair products in the shower, but just one. Pare down so that I'm only reading 1 book at a time. Pare it all down -- why do i tend to fill up every night of the week? Why not just have one night without a plan? Why do I need to hang onto things i don't use? Why not pare down my thoughts, so I can cope with the multitude of them and have some peace in my noggin - especially at night when i'm trying to sleep. Multitasking!!!!??? Who says this is a good thing?! Half of society does! Women pride themselves on it. Why?!!! Why be so proud about building on layers of cloying responsibility? Why can't I be like my husband who does one thing, does it well and then moves on?! Simple.

Kids are simple. They aren't sophisticated. They don't strive to be a certain way, they're just themselves. I love that. It doesn't take much to impress them. I love that about them too. They laugh easily. They cry the same way. They smile. They dance as soon as they hear music. Kids speak the truth. I'm on my second 'go around' with little children in my life - grandchildren. I love what they teach me, cuz when my daughters were little i may have learned the same things from them; but it seems that i've forgotten and as they grew and became more sophisticated and adult, i became re-complicated again!! The kiddies make me forget everything . . and i just play or read them a story, throw a blanket over myself and 'wooh' like a ghost or cuddle a spike-haired baby doll in a facecloth 'bunting bag' and plant a kiss on its fabric cheek; all of which delight James and Erica to no end and teach me to relax.

My dog reminds me of simple. Sometimes i envy her!!! All she ever has to do is eat, drink, go for lovely walks, run around in the yard chasing squirrels and chipmunks, sniff fire hydrants, get held like a baby and petted and coochie cooed, lay around all day and all night, get treats, steal food from the kiddies' plates and crawl under our bed to hide when all of this gets to be too much for her. Yes, I'm jealous!!!

Well, its now become the simpler time of day. . ahhhhh. . . gotta breathe that in and store enough up to get me through tomorrow!!!! and the next day and the next. . . I have one word cross-stitched onto fabric, in a wooden frame -- it sits on top of my fridge and speaks to me every day -- i think maybe i need one in every room of my house and in both of my cars. . .

the word is "simplify"

1/4 century

 


This is me and Robbie. . its a picture from last year, but I don't have a non-Mexico couple picture of us this year!!! I think we look pretty much the same?!

On Tuesday past we celebrated our 25th anniversary. It was a work day, so not too thrilling. . but we went to the Keg. . and had a great dinner. Even nicer was a discount on our bill and a free anniversary piece of ice cream cake *with a sparkler!!* The manager is a friend of our daughter's b/f, Joel.

We kept saying to each other: "Can you believe we've been married 25 years?!!!"
We did some reminiscing. It was pretty low key. After our vacation, this was just a date! That was really the special thing. . our second honeymoon!! awwww!

Wow, can you tell I'm tired? I'm gonna sign off now.
Just thought I'd share our special occasion with you! 

ever feel. . .

Do you ever feel like this world is full of people going around just looking for others whom they can trust with their stories? their experiences? I feel like this. I think everyone walks around like this, testing others, gauging from their reactions and responses whether or not they will go beyond greetings and talk about more than sports or weather to begin to build some kind of framework of trust and security, where their real selves would risk making an appearance. I think people want others to have time for them, to make time for them. I think people want others who will look at them and see them and love them. I struggle -- do you? i struggle on both ends of it. . . i get wrapped up, involved, i'm busy, unavailable. . . others are the same way. . always running on parallel courses, never intersecting - or crossing for the briefest of times in sadly superficial ways. Do you know what I mean?

Sometimes i'm not busy, i'm undone, afraid to be involved, strangely fragile for such a tough dame - and I'm guessing that everyone else has their own moments too. I don't usually confess this to anyone but my best friend/husband. He knows me and i know him. This is somehow easy, I guess because it feels so anonymous.

Its so easy to see buildings and work at jobs and drive in vehicles and purchase items and pursue goals and dream dreams, but its similarly easy to let relationships become overlooked and undernurtured, like a beautiful garden gone to seed, dry, neglected and wilted. Its even easier not to plant at all. Isn't that just so true?

Then you can expand your thoughts outside your own circles to consider that there are many circles besides your own. It feels like I'm more often colliding with people than relating, it really does. . like we're all just kind of ricocheting off each other. . sometimes these collisions will leave a bruise, other times barely a scratch, maybe fleetingly pleasant, maybe not. . It feels weird - even this feels weird. . as somehow it passes for conversation, though its just a solitary picture with me in the dark at my computer and you reading my cooled off words. .

Do you ever feel when you drive around or walk around and see people, people everywhere and you wonder: "What's their story? What have they been through?" I'm sometimes acutely aware of living in a city with house after house after building after building full of people, people and more people and I wonder how they're feeling, does someone listen to them? does someone love them? are they angry? do they feel alone? Did someone abandon them?

I don't even know why these thoughts are in my head now. . maybe they just are and that's good enough reason. Sometimes i write stuff in this blog, pour it out of my heart, then delete it all. Do you ever do that? I do that when i comment on others' blogs - i think i'll put it out there, then I get scared and make it go away. I hope that I can understand how important it is for me to be someone worthy of trust and someone loving enough who will care to listen to the things that other people say, and even more to the things they might not.