Sunday, September 23, 2007

don't phunk with my heart

we listened to "Elephunk" on the way home tonight. We dropped KK off back in the Hammer and we listened to all the tracks on this B.E.P. CD that the ride home allowed. Hours later, now as i comb my hair and my thoughts settle,* maybe i'm combing them out? *
i think of this plea: "Oh no, no, no, don't phunk with my heart."

isn't this what everyone wants to say to everyone else? really. . .

don't hurt me
handle with care
love me

Sunday, September 16, 2007

a distressing invitation. . .

the envelope arrived in the mail on Friday past. . .

GO GIRL - the magazine for women over 40!

It was addressed to ME!
Oh yes. . . i am now being included in the silver-haired demographic and i'm indignant (not to mention hypocritical as i keep covering my ever whitening hair).

The jazzy picture on the flyer showed a fitness-clothed woman with her mouth opened wide in a triumphant shout of "YES! I'M AGING AND I'M ECSTATIC, _________!" (expletive thoughtfully deleted)

I waved the offensive thing in front of Rob, "How can I be getting stuff like this?! I can't believe it!! Why do they call it 'Go Girl?' Why did i get this??!!!" The Master of Understatement said: "Because you're over 40."

pffffftttt. . . . (balloon deflating noise)

yeah. . i've got nothin' - he's absolutely right. I am. But that's not old. 45 is the new 35! *sigh* nothing is the new anything. . . its 21st century age-phobic propaganda. . so why am i wanting to buy into it?!

Today as i sat in the parking lot, waiting for Robbie to come out with our 'we're too lazy to cook' take-out meal, i caught myself watching elderly customers walking to and from their vehicles. They didn't look like the "Go Girl" magazine woman. That didn't make me feel so great. Why is this starting to bother me??? Maybe its my arthritis? Maybe its my grandmotherly status? maybe its because i feel like i'm turning into a "Grandpa Simpson" shaking my fist and yelling out "Shut up!" when loud vehicles pass my house? I felt odd as i contemplated my over reaction to a simple bulk mailing. But it all hit again when i got back home and picked up the local "Activities Guide" and noticed spanish classes. . sounded great, i might take them! I looked up the venue, it was one of the local seniors' centres!!!

it gets worse. . .

for ages 50 and up.
I thought to myself: "In 5 years i'll be able to join !!!!!!!!"

ay carumba!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

church - life without it?

what do i really want to say about this? about church?
how can i say anything without it coming out wrong?
can i say anything without the fear of being misunderstood, judged?
can i say anything without further turning people off who are already feeling that way?
that's not my intention. .
so respectfully i simply say that i'm confused and lost.
i can't seem to find my way.
i can say i am afraid to 'sign up' with any church.
i am afraid to trust.
once i had passion for the potential of a true church,
the love of God shared between everyone. . covering over all the imperfections and radiating and attracting people who were lonely, hungry for more that all the 'isms' life could offer.
but i didn't find this.
or maybe i wasn't living this myself?
too harsh on others?
not giving God the key to my heart, but locking it up on my own. .
shooting from the lip after taking the hits. . .
was i able to forgive where forgiveness was not offered?
that's hard. no i haven't let myself.

i bristle when i even think of routines, rituals, tradition for traditions' sake, 'packaging', regulations - the kinds of things people seem to want to impose on other people.
i was born into 'church' and i have left 'church'.
i'm furious with church but i'm empty for church
i want church , i don't want it
i've looked at church from both sides now. . .i really don't like church at all.
*liberties with Joni Mitchell lyric noted*

am i saying i don't like God?
am i saying i don't like other people?
am i saying i don't like myself?

well. . .
maybe this is it?

what gives me this jaundiced view of church?



now what?
and so what?
suck it up, buttercup. . get over yourself .. DO something

can i wear his grace like a garment and know the love of Christ as my foundation?
i want to.
its so simple and so difficult
i don't shun God, but i shun an institution, that whether i like it or not, represents him on this earth?
isn't that the same thing?
But the institution isn't doing a very good job!
But how can i say this if i'm not doing any better?
I am confused and lost.

help me

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

the other night

the last few days i've been having trouble with a disc in my lower back on top of the disc issues in my neck. . so yeah, fun. . i've been walking like Quasimodo. . (is that how you spell his name?) It makes me feel old and delicate - hate that.
I can't work out till it it settles down. . . :( waaaaah!
When i don't work out, i can't sleep well.
My mind - i can't seem to shut it off.
Why can men close their eyes and fall into sleep mode right away?
this may not be true of all men. . but i've only ever slept with one. . and he's got this light switch sleep pattern - eyes closed = sleeping in 30 seconds
hmmmpf! i'm madly jealous of his ability!

so the other night, i was lying in bed after taking some Robaxacet. . which is a bit too wussy for me, i think. . . just doesn't seem to do much. *note to self - don't take that stuff any more*
I lie on one side, my back hurts.
i gingerly move to the other side -- hurts.
i decide to lie flat on my back - not good. . ouch.
so i lie there distracted by pain, thoughts going all over the place, listening to Rob sleep. .
glad he wasn't snoring.
A motorcycle drove up the hill. . did it even HAVE a muffler? grrrrr!!!!
My street is NOT every idiot motorcycle owner's personal nocturnal drag strip!!!

I saw the red numbers on the clock radio. . . . 1:40. . . 2:40. . i did lose count eventually but not for long.
4:00 a.m. i'm awake. . . i hear voices -- loud ones.
grrrrrrr. . .
a man and a woman were arguing. I was trying to get a mental fix on where they were.
At first i thought of my neighbours across the street , whose oldest daughter often puts on 'shows' in the dead of night for our benefit. . . nah, it was farther away.
The more i woke up, the more alarmed i became.
I couldn't hear their words, but their rage was scaring me. He seemed to be the aggressor, she seemed to be on the defense.
I really expected to hear a gunshot - it was that heated.
i'm laying there thinking: "What should i do? call the cops? should i? wake up Rob?. . . i don't know which house."
i started to pray for them. . . i didn't know what else to do. I was hoping they would settle down.
Soon the gaps in between the yelling jags got bigger. . . big enough for me to get back to sleep.
6 a.m. . . i'm awake again. . the same woman's voice is now coming closer and closer.
I got out of bed and looked out the window - she was walking briskly down the street, past my house - talking on her cell, her voice high and shaky as she described her ordeal.
I was mad - why couldn't she keep her voice down? People are trying to sleep!
but i felt bad as i heard the emotion in her voice as she described being interrogated by her boyfriend. She was so loud, now Rob was awake, wondering what was all the racket? I told him but I don't even remember what more we said about it - maybe nothing - too sleepy. .

ah, you just don't know, do you? what are people going through? You might hear the odd battle, see one, but mostly we all stay sealed in our individual units. . keeping to ourselves until we become suddenly aware of the presence and plight of others.