Tuesday, February 26, 2008


I was thinking this morning, as i flossed and brushed my teeth, of how i always start brushing on the top upper right part of my mouth. . without fail. So i purposely switched this morning and started on the bottom left. it was weird. . threw me off. Then as i worked today, i thought of all the little strange things i do and this mental list started growing.

i can't throw out greeting cards. . i have been saving cards since i was 15 -- people signed their names or wrote personal messages!

i accumulate huge amounts of paperwork in a pile on top of the filing bin and wait till the pile begins to tip before i file it.

i read several books at once

i have this thing for buying the latest fitness DVD - its like a fever. . must have them!!

i take my beverages with me throughout the house and absentmindedly leave them wherever i stop

i must smell the dishwasher soap tablet before it goes in the machine

i don't drink coffee, but i often take the lid off the coffee container, to smell it

i will leave a few spoonfuls of food on my plate and say i can't eat any more, which drives my husband crazy!

i get my knickers in a twist over misspellings and grammatical errors

i must do a spider check every night before going to sleep

i often have to leave the room when people eat with their mouths open or make 'smacky' noises with their lips

i leave unironed clothes in the utility closet, where they remain for many months

i always try to get out of cutting up the broccoli and lettuce on grocery day

i can't sleep if the closet door is ajar

if i hear a funny line, i find the need to repeat it out loud while laughing.

i don't like talking on the phone

conversations with and comments made by anyone on an average day remind me of songs lyrics

i can't walk slowly

i can't stand getting gas and always try to get out of it

i can never go to bed early - i seem to be incapable of turning in at a decent hour

most times when i go to hum a song, its "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt - i don't know why. . its a beautiful song, but there are many beautiful songs and you'd think once in a while the humming playlist in my brain would change?

Well i think that's enough of me.
How about you? wanna share some of yours???

Monday, February 18, 2008


depression keeps rolling in and settling,
winter doesn't agree with my psyche.
not that it ever has, but i notice it a lot more in the last decade or so.
maybe i need a head shake,
or maybe just a good, swift kick?

i hate when all the things i enjoy, i can't seem to enjoy
reading. . don't want to
baking. . no, not interested
dancing, didn't feel like it tonight. .
writing, not in this state of mind. . .
if i sit down and write something,
i just end up deleting it.
my words are all locked up in my head, i can feel them in there.
they're being unruly and they won't come out.
seems like too much effort.
these ones made it, but they're not 'writing', just complaining.

the weekend was busy and enjoyable.
i had goals and met them.
i was distracted from the blahs by having lots to do.
today, day off work - you'd think i'd be ecstatic?
woke up to a completely open day and i just wanted to crash and do
absolutely nothing. .

yeah, i think i do need that swift kick.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

sweet tooth

i was born with not just a sweet tooth
i think every tooth in my mouth must be a sweet one!

potato chips don't tempt me
fries. . .i don't really care for them
nachos? they're okay
pizza? pleh. . its fine
meat is all right. .
cheese -- like, not love it
bread is nice,
rice and potatoes - kinda ho hum but do hit the spot
virtuous veggies, i like

sweets. . . i LOVE.
No, "love" is not too strong a word.

chocolate, pies, tarts, cake, fudgey brownies, caramel, squares, cookies, candies, whipped cream, maple syrup, honey, creme brulee -- gotta stop. . i feel faint.

i often wonder why i can't crave the things that are best for me.

i can't imagine myself having attacks where i would go mad for a hunk of cabbage

where i would down a bag of baby-cut carrots like i pop back the 'sour patch kids' candies (if i let myself buy them).

i wouldn't daydream of opening a veggie stand the way i do of opening a baked goods shop.
i really doubt that i'd salivate over a piece of chicken the way i do over velvety, melt in your mouth chocolate.

If sweet things could impart top-notch nutrition i'd be the Queen of Health!

Instead, i fight against my baser food impulses and try to convince myself that a cuplet of yogurt is a suitable substitute for a gooey, warm chocolate lava cake. pffffft!!!!
Me? i would eat the stupid yogurt AND also have the lava cake later because the yogurt did nothing to assuage my longing for the bad/good stuff.

Instead, i talk myself out of innumerable purchases of naughty items.
but still cave at weak points and purchase enough to make dance classes and kick boxing DVDs a dire necessity.

Instead, i try to make healthier alternatives for the girdle-busting old school baddies. (they often don't cut it, sadly to the point i'd rather do without if i can't have the 'real thing')
Don't even ask me about the cake icing i made yesterday for my granddaughter's "pony" birthday cake! (gobs of soft butter and cups of icing sugar -- what?? did i say that??!!!)
I feel like a culinary jekyll and hyde. .
LOVE the bad
tolerate the good, while waiting to be bad again!!!

I can't remember not being this way.
I KNOW this sweet stuff does me no good, but its so wickedly delicious!!!
I've done 'kicking sugar' stints in the past. . which resulted in headaches, general grumpiness and the inevitable going back.
So now, i don't try to kick it.
I find ways to make peace with the constant tension of being a sweet-toothed person who has aspirations to live healthily.
Right now I have given up sweet snacks and excessive eating in general.
I get to have 1 measly dessert-type thing per week.
For me, its the equivalent of an Everest climb.
This world is not designed for virtue.
It is programmed for vice.
Discipline is hard going.
Watching food network shows is hazardous.
Makes me feel like a 'one eyed-cat peeping in a seafood store'
Baking is perilous.
But I don't feel like myself if i can't bake something.
I can't describe the calming effect it has on me.
My mind always goes to it.
My hands want to be mixing and beating and ladeling.
Whenever i travel, i want to and do hit the bakeries, where i will inevitably size up my goodies against theirs! and sometimes even think mine are better?!!
I want to visit the chocolate shop. the smells! the sights! decadent and dangerous!!
I'll whiz past that 'fry stand' to get some chocolate chip buns from Weil's bakery.
I'll forgo the fast food forever and make perpetual trips to the Cupcake Store.

I am a conflicted woman, but more happily than sadly so.
I continue to fight the good fight. . . trying to quash the desire for sinfully good treats while doing crunches and lunges and 'cardio' , exercising self control, baking less and giving away more, learning how not to eradicate the sweet tooth, but subdue it. . .letting it out of the cage once a week and promptly shoving it back in and barring the door! i had considerable trouble barring the door today after letting it out yesterday for the birthday cake! (confession time. . . i had a bit today after lunch but only a teeny bit). I have to be realistic. . i'm never going to swear off sweeties all together, but I am learning that they're not the boss of me. . . . most of the time!!

Friday, February 01, 2008

dysfunction, function. . . what IS function?

i bring things to light when i feel courageous
i hide them away when i feel like a coward
i confront, i get flak
i run and hide, no flak

i've been in an apathetic chapter for several years now.
hiding. .avoiding flak like the plague
hurts less but hurts more. .

confronting is risky, messy
its also tiring
giving up seems like a good thing?
guess my fear drives me to find ways to avoid dealing with things
sealing off the rage
eating the baking
listening instead of divulging
avoiding praying
praying with avoidance
is that even praying?

i love being around people
i need to be alone
my heart feels full of compassion, love
it feels contracted and scarred
i feel like a reasonable facsimile of myself most times
other times, not so much
can i make up my friggin' mind?
its exhausting, sliding in and out of connection and disconnection.
each time it gives a jolt

there are some 'buttons', when pressed will release either:
1. a torrent of tears
2. a blast of anger
3. both

and afterwards. . a settling blankness of unresolution that sometimes lingers in a thick, clinging fog and other times blows away like morning mist.
but its never really gone

i'm pretty sure that most people, if they were honest, would confess to living with some degree of dysfunction.
i know there are too many people living with their own unresolved things
weighed down
not acknowledging
not communicating
avoiding often messy reality
self helping
at an impasse
in a trance

no need to live like this
dysfunction in the long run, withers the spirit
weakens the body
and erodes the soul