Friday, February 01, 2008

dysfunction, function. . . what IS function?

i bring things to light when i feel courageous
i hide them away when i feel like a coward
i confront, i get flak
i run and hide, no flak


i've been in an apathetic chapter for several years now.
hiding. .avoiding flak like the plague
hurts less but hurts more. .

confronting is risky, messy
its also tiring
giving up seems like a good thing?
guess my fear drives me to find ways to avoid dealing with things
journaling
raging
sealing off the rage
eating
baking
eating the baking
listening instead of divulging
avoiding praying
praying with avoidance
is that even praying?

i love being around people
i need to be alone
my heart feels full of compassion, love
it feels contracted and scarred
i feel like a reasonable facsimile of myself most times
other times, not so much
can i make up my friggin' mind?
its exhausting, sliding in and out of connection and disconnection.
each time it gives a jolt

there are some 'buttons', when pressed will release either:
1. a torrent of tears
2. a blast of anger
3. both

and afterwards. . a settling blankness of unresolution that sometimes lingers in a thick, clinging fog and other times blows away like morning mist.
but its never really gone

i'm pretty sure that most people, if they were honest, would confess to living with some degree of dysfunction.
i know there are too many people living with their own unresolved things
weighed down
stubborn
defensive
substituting
transferring
not acknowledging
not communicating
avoiding often messy reality
afraid
tired
self helping
pretending
misuse/abuse
at an impasse
in a trance

no need to live like this
dysfunction in the long run, withers the spirit
weakens the body
and erodes the soul

3 comments:

emma said...

i am always inspired by your posts kat. you have the most amazing heart. thanks for challenging me to live more fully!

kathryn said...

thanx, Emma. . i'm in a bit of a strange place these days and i guess it comes through. I'm glad we can both challenge each other.
:)

i'm thinking, as Lent has begun and though i don't come from a background which observes Lent. . i'm thinking of Jesus every day (thinking of his 40 days without food in order to boost his spiritual strength) as i give up the extra food that i would normally eat in snacks and treats. i think as i focus less on my angst and more on him, i will find my heart growing.. . well at least that's my desire

emma said...

its a good desire. and im pretty sure that God cant ignore requests like that, cant ignore a persons desire to meet with Him. press in. those are the words that i keep coming back too.