Wednesday, May 31, 2006

so slack. . i know!

hi ya!!! How are you all? My apologies for not writing sooner. I seem to go in fits and starts. I'm so T I R E D . . . blah. . . Work today was hard. . i was 'in house' today. . as the hospital-wide computer module i usually tie into was down all day for an upgrade. So, I was filing in the muggy 'corporate storage' dungeon. . I have SO MUCH respect for the girls who do this on a regular basis. It is physical work! Lots of lifting of heavy piles of charts, bending to reach the lowest file banks, pulling out tightly wedged ones and shoving them back in. It was really nice to work with my co workers in person!!!We usually just share a cyber connection - occasionally seeing other at staff meetings and the office brunches. We had a great lunch feast today, courtesy of our boss. So nice. It was equally nice to share a table with everyone! We had one of the private anterooms reserved for us. After lunch I saw my friend Karen's Dominican vac pictures! I saw my friend Peta, who looks like a million bucks despite battling cancer. . she came in to visit us after one of her treatments. Man, today I felt like a troll that was let out from under the bridge! REAL PEOPLE!!!! Working from home is a tough gig. It has its good points. Sure if i wanted to i could sit in my PJs and work like that all day. Yes, its true that I don't fight traffic. On the yuckiest days I'm safe and cosy in my house. No, I don't have to do my hair. Yes, I can sleep till the last minute and then just turn on the computer and 'go to work'. . but it gets lonely really quickly and I REALLY hate that. So it was such a treat to go in today. . I felt so connected.

I danced my *** off tonight!!! POW!! Last evening of the spring session! Monday is our early summer session. I have that song "All She Wants to Do Is Dance" in my head. . and yes, its true -- all i want to do fitness wise anyway is DANCE. . I still can't believe how incredibly enamoured I am with it! All the steps, all the moves. I love the stretching. The mind/body connection is so cool. Dancing isn't just about muscles moving, its about feeling and learning new ways to move yourself in your emotions as well. Remembering the patterns, sequences, keeping count, learning technique, honing it twice a week, every week - it amazes me how it all meshes and synchronizes. The comraderie is unique. Everyone learning and improving together, surprising each other with how we can master even the toughest routines. Going from awkward, tentative beginnings to fluid, precise endings. I will be forever blissfully happy if I can do this for the next ??? years with all my new friends. . what an amazing group of women they are!!! I'm especially excited to be bringing my 2 daughters to the June session!!!! They're really jazzed. . me too!!! I hope that they love it as much as i do?!

Well, its late. . Rob's got a movie still for us to watch. . I'm gonna be up a long time - i may miss some of it?!!! zzzzzzzzzzz. . . . The movie was "New World" with Colin Farrell -- i didn't miss any of it. . really enjoyed it - a bit 'artsy'. . the cinematography was luscious. I didn't catch the credits, so I'm not sure who was responsible for that; superb work.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Dear God,

I want to be open, but i keep closing off.
You must get fed up with me?
I get fed up with me.
Sometimes my heart feels so much - much love for others, sympathy, compassion.
I feel so much love for you, so much awe when i think of and see the evidences of you all around me. . so glorious.
We both know that I hide from you sometimes -
maybe just fearful of what you may ask of me, complete submission to your will
i hide because i misunderstand you,
fearing my loss of control.
Why won't i trust you?
I know there is no better way. .
yet i find periodically find myself in this hinterland of doubt.
I feel my spirit's potential sometimes - in waves that break over me
still i struggle to surface - afraid of the deep.
Do I have a mental blockage?
Is it my emotional lability?
Physical interference?
I'm so easily waylaid by circumstance,
so easily cooled off
so easily put off.
You are a tenacious one.
I admire you so much
but admiration is not what you want from me
you want it all --
my all.
There have been so many times when I have disbelieved . .
I have not been able to believe that you, GOD are interested in me, kathy.
I've told myself that you don't care overly much,
or i've told myself that I'm not worth much -- a conflicted, complaining bundle of trouble. . .
just one more heart to feed,
one more soul to discipline
one more spirit to resuscitate.
I don't feel worth the trouble. .
People say that because you're God you don't need us,
maybe you don't?
But you do love us. . isn't there need in love?
People say you can't become disillusioned with us, because you don't have illusions - but do you feel disappointment when I miss the obvious over and over and over?
Someone once said to me that you don't have any emotions because you're God and you're above all that. . . I guess they didn't read my Bible - your heart isn't on your sleeve, its in those pages.
People, well they may not always be right, but they're just trying to make sense of it all.
Your love is mysterious, just like everything about you -- your appearance, your 'age', your mind, motives, reasons, your 3-in-1-ness, your power, your Heaven, your judgement. .
I love a good mystery - but i like to be able to figure it out. . . I've given myself a headache when i've tried to 'solve' you.
When I've lulled myself with the surface ways - waded around in the shallows of human existence, i've been all body, emotions, whims and wants - carefully avoiding the call of the deep. . . your voice, your path. . .but you beckon and you instill in me a desire to leave the shallow end and to plunge and be okay with being over my head. I want to be okay, but i'm afraid i'll lose 'me'. . but would i not then be a much improved me? do i trust you?
I want to listen to you.
I'm desperate to dialogue with you - not just whenever i'm seized with the notion, but continually.
I know you're always calling out to me . .you're not the giving up type. . how beautiful can you possibly be? It means the world to me that you won't give up - even though i've given you plenty of what most would consider just cause.
Help me to persistently practice recognizing the sound of your voice.
There's a lot of noise 'out there'.
I often feel like a child with ADHD. . .
I really need you. . back and forth - up and down, its just so tiring. .

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

craving simple

There's something so beautiful about simplicity.

I especially notice this when things are complicated. Take a day -- you wake up, simple -- then everything after that gets away from you. Depending on what's happening, your day can pick up speed like a runaway train with no brakes!! You almost can't wait to crash, cuz at least then you'll be able to stop!!

Sometimes there are different ways to get crazed, which don't necessarily involve speed so much as feeling like you're covered in superglue and everything is sticking to you and you keep picking up more and more layers as you go along, bogging you down, slowing you down.

Other days its like you have amnesia and you simply forget simple and you make everything 50 x harder than it has to be, frustrating yourself, others and piling more and more 'argh' onto what could have been 'aaaah'. You can suffocate yourself with it and not realize until you can't stop sighing out your tension, or feel those muscles clenching in response to your rising stress levels and it dawns on you that you've let go of easy and swapped it out for difficult.

When I start longing, then i start listening, listening to my common sense, which I admit I sorely neglect sometimes. Do you know what i mean? Like its saying to me "HEY! HEY!!! I'm here. Hello?! Why not keep it simple?" Complexity even seeps into my dreams in the form of anxiety, struggling, frustration. Talk about wake up calls! No pun intended. When my dreams are stressful, i know i've got a problem.

When I start feeling like i've got to daydream of a simple ice cream scooping job in order to be able to live with neverending production deadlines, endless stat requests, pressures to churn out complicated volumes with perfection and accuracy. . i find myself longing to bake cranberry scones and brew tea for wonderful imaginary customers. Sometimes i long to hula hoop with my laughing grandchildren in the green of my backyard in the middle of a work day just because i feel like it! Other times its not even daydreaming, but just finding that I not only long to pare my life down but I need to. Pare down all the stuff that's in my house. Use up all the food in the fridge and not waste or throw it out. Not have 5 bottles of hair products in the shower, but just one. Pare down so that I'm only reading 1 book at a time. Pare it all down -- why do i tend to fill up every night of the week? Why not just have one night without a plan? Why do I need to hang onto things i don't use? Why not pare down my thoughts, so I can cope with the multitude of them and have some peace in my noggin - especially at night when i'm trying to sleep. Multitasking!!!!??? Who says this is a good thing?! Half of society does! Women pride themselves on it. Why?!!! Why be so proud about building on layers of cloying responsibility? Why can't I be like my husband who does one thing, does it well and then moves on?! Simple.

Kids are simple. They aren't sophisticated. They don't strive to be a certain way, they're just themselves. I love that. It doesn't take much to impress them. I love that about them too. They laugh easily. They cry the same way. They smile. They dance as soon as they hear music. Kids speak the truth. I'm on my second 'go around' with little children in my life - grandchildren. I love what they teach me, cuz when my daughters were little i may have learned the same things from them; but it seems that i've forgotten and as they grew and became more sophisticated and adult, i became re-complicated again!! The kiddies make me forget everything . . and i just play or read them a story, throw a blanket over myself and 'wooh' like a ghost or cuddle a spike-haired baby doll in a facecloth 'bunting bag' and plant a kiss on its fabric cheek; all of which delight James and Erica to no end and teach me to relax.

My dog reminds me of simple. Sometimes i envy her!!! All she ever has to do is eat, drink, go for lovely walks, run around in the yard chasing squirrels and chipmunks, sniff fire hydrants, get held like a baby and petted and coochie cooed, lay around all day and all night, get treats, steal food from the kiddies' plates and crawl under our bed to hide when all of this gets to be too much for her. Yes, I'm jealous!!!

Well, its now become the simpler time of day. . ahhhhh. . . gotta breathe that in and store enough up to get me through tomorrow!!!! and the next day and the next. . . I have one word cross-stitched onto fabric, in a wooden frame -- it sits on top of my fridge and speaks to me every day -- i think maybe i need one in every room of my house and in both of my cars. . .

the word is "simplify"

Saturday, May 06, 2006

1/4 century


This is me and Robbie. . its a picture from last year, but I don't have a non-Mexico couple picture of us this year!!! I think we look pretty much the same?!

On Tuesday past we celebrated our 25th anniversary. It was a work day, so not too thrilling. . but we went to the Keg. . and had a great dinner. Even nicer was a discount on our bill and a free anniversary piece of ice cream cake *with a sparkler!!* The manager is a friend of our daughter's b/f, Joel.

We kept saying to each other: "Can you believe we've been married 25 years?!!!"
We did some reminiscing. It was pretty low key. After our vacation, this was just a date! That was really the special thing. . our second honeymoon!! awwww!

Wow, can you tell I'm tired? I'm gonna sign off now.
Just thought I'd share our special occasion with you! Posted by Picasa

Monday, May 01, 2006

ever feel. . .

Do you ever feel like this world is full of people going around just looking for others whom they can trust with their stories? their experiences? I feel like this. I think everyone walks around like this, testing others, gauging from their reactions and responses whether or not they will go beyond greetings and talk about more than sports or weather to begin to build some kind of framework of trust and security, where their real selves would risk making an appearance. I think people want others to have time for them, to make time for them. I think people want others who will look at them and see them and love them. I struggle -- do you? i struggle on both ends of it. . . i get wrapped up, involved, i'm busy, unavailable. . . others are the same way. . always running on parallel courses, never intersecting - or crossing for the briefest of times in sadly superficial ways. Do you know what I mean?

Sometimes i'm not busy, i'm undone, afraid to be involved, strangely fragile for such a tough dame - and I'm guessing that everyone else has their own moments too. I don't usually confess this to anyone but my best friend/husband. He knows me and i know him. This is somehow easy, I guess because it feels so anonymous.

Its so easy to see buildings and work at jobs and drive in vehicles and purchase items and pursue goals and dream dreams, but its similarly easy to let relationships become overlooked and undernurtured, like a beautiful garden gone to seed, dry, neglected and wilted. Its even easier not to plant at all. Isn't that just so true?

Then you can expand your thoughts outside your own circles to consider that there are many circles besides your own. It feels like I'm more often colliding with people than relating, it really does. . like we're all just kind of ricocheting off each other. . sometimes these collisions will leave a bruise, other times barely a scratch, maybe fleetingly pleasant, maybe not. . It feels weird - even this feels weird. . as somehow it passes for conversation, though its just a solitary picture with me in the dark at my computer and you reading my cooled off words. .

Do you ever feel when you drive around or walk around and see people, people everywhere and you wonder: "What's their story? What have they been through?" I'm sometimes acutely aware of living in a city with house after house after building after building full of people, people and more people and I wonder how they're feeling, does someone listen to them? does someone love them? are they angry? do they feel alone? Did someone abandon them?

I don't even know why these thoughts are in my head now. . maybe they just are and that's good enough reason. Sometimes i write stuff in this blog, pour it out of my heart, then delete it all. Do you ever do that? I do that when i comment on others' blogs - i think i'll put it out there, then I get scared and make it go away. I hope that I can understand how important it is for me to be someone worthy of trust and someone loving enough who will care to listen to the things that other people say, and even more to the things they might not.