Saturday, May 27, 2006

Dear God,

I want to be open, but i keep closing off.
You must get fed up with me?
I get fed up with me.
Sometimes my heart feels so much - much love for others, sympathy, compassion.
I feel so much love for you, so much awe when i think of and see the evidences of you all around me. . so glorious.
We both know that I hide from you sometimes -
maybe just fearful of what you may ask of me, complete submission to your will
i hide because i misunderstand you,
fearing my loss of control.
Why won't i trust you?
I know there is no better way. .
yet i find periodically find myself in this hinterland of doubt.
I feel my spirit's potential sometimes - in waves that break over me
still i struggle to surface - afraid of the deep.
Do I have a mental blockage?
Is it my emotional lability?
Physical interference?
I'm so easily waylaid by circumstance,
so easily cooled off
so easily put off.
You are a tenacious one.
I admire you so much
but admiration is not what you want from me
you want it all --
my all.
There have been so many times when I have disbelieved . .
I have not been able to believe that you, GOD are interested in me, kathy.
I've told myself that you don't care overly much,
or i've told myself that I'm not worth much -- a conflicted, complaining bundle of trouble. . .
just one more heart to feed,
one more soul to discipline
one more spirit to resuscitate.
I don't feel worth the trouble. .
People say that because you're God you don't need us,
maybe you don't?
But you do love us. . isn't there need in love?
People say you can't become disillusioned with us, because you don't have illusions - but do you feel disappointment when I miss the obvious over and over and over?
Someone once said to me that you don't have any emotions because you're God and you're above all that. . . I guess they didn't read my Bible - your heart isn't on your sleeve, its in those pages.
People, well they may not always be right, but they're just trying to make sense of it all.
Your love is mysterious, just like everything about you -- your appearance, your 'age', your mind, motives, reasons, your 3-in-1-ness, your power, your Heaven, your judgement. .
I love a good mystery - but i like to be able to figure it out. . . I've given myself a headache when i've tried to 'solve' you.
When I've lulled myself with the surface ways - waded around in the shallows of human existence, i've been all body, emotions, whims and wants - carefully avoiding the call of the deep. . . your voice, your path. . .but you beckon and you instill in me a desire to leave the shallow end and to plunge and be okay with being over my head. I want to be okay, but i'm afraid i'll lose 'me'. . but would i not then be a much improved me? do i trust you?
I want to listen to you.
I'm desperate to dialogue with you - not just whenever i'm seized with the notion, but continually.
I know you're always calling out to me . .you're not the giving up type. . how beautiful can you possibly be? It means the world to me that you won't give up - even though i've given you plenty of what most would consider just cause.
Help me to persistently practice recognizing the sound of your voice.
There's a lot of noise 'out there'.
I often feel like a child with ADHD. . .
I really need you. . back and forth - up and down, its just so tiring. .


emma said...

that is beautiful kat... i love how you are so honest, theres a tenderness in your vulnerability... its beautiful. i want that too.

Kathryn said...

Yeah, I want that. . sometimes i feel like such a mess, but i know that's a common feeling. I love that I can be honest with God. I know some ppl live without Him. . I used to. I didn't like that -- it caught up with me and that emptiness would dog me. I don't feel that any more - but i still do feel this inward tussling at times. life!!!

sanityflair said...

i think this tussling and questioning of self is a reflection u're doing upon yourself. like a self-evaluation thingy and i'm sorta like u too. except i don't string my sentences so poetically. my friend says that's a great quality coz it shows self-awareness and also a desire to please God. i mean, when u keep checking yourself, it's not coz u like doing it right? i think it's cool and normal to feel the way u do. sometimes it's a good way to know u're on the right track, heaven-ward. :)