Thursday, June 21, 2007

silver is not my favourite colour

I like to live with certain illusions, eating dessert often is okay, the clothes in the 'ironing pile' will be taken care of by the chore fairies, our debts will some day be gone, i still have shiny, dark hair. I'm firmly in touch with reality.

Yes, my hair is dark right now, but give it another month and you'd be pulling me aside and saying "Hey, Cruella, don't you think you should see someone about that white stripe?" *BIG SIGH* George Clooney and Richard Gere are very secure with becoming silver foxes. Oh, i wish i could share their bliss. Am i vain? I don't think so, i'm too insecure for that!!! Is this superficial? Of course it is and i chastise myself mentally for fixating on such a nothing deal, yet to me it has 'something' status. Since my greying journey began i've used different, desperate methods to deal with the issue. I've turned to purchasing 'youth assistance' from WalMart -- L'Oreal was good for a while, though i always felt like it looked one dimensional. I gave Garnier a whirl -- BIG mistake. . i purchased some mahoganyish shade -- ended up with purple hair. It was plain embarrassing. I felt like my head was a giant eggplant. It made my skin look sallow. Horrible. I eventually got tired of the self-help colourization and decided to leap into streaks, chunks and went a bit wild with them . . . . ash blonde, caramel, purple, blackish brown -- not all at the same time!!! Funny, i hated having the Garnier purple hair, but fast forward a few years and i'm paying someone to streak some of my hair what colour? Barney purple. Hypocrite! Really though, it was cool! Jenny is my pro and she does a great job of hiding my silver hair, though she actually thinks the silver is cool and that i should just let it shine. BAH!!! As if!!!! I really hate it. It makes me feel different about myself and its not a good different.

When i first started to go grey i was 20 years old. I have a sneaking suspicion that the area of my head in which i first started to have these horrible white strands was the actual area on which had dropped several large tins of frozen juice from my Nana's freezer, as i crawled under there when things were being loaded/unloaded? This was unfortunate and may account for not only prematurely white hair but perhaps for any sort of mental state i'd like to assign to the incident?! But where could i begin?! I used to pull the greys out. Kinda hurt!!! Eventually i had to stop . It reminded me of trying to deal with dandelions on my lawn. . losing battle.

I wasn't ready to resign. I'm still not. I more recently got rid of the streaky look and went with a nice, warm brown. Wow, what a difference!!! People asked me if i'd had a makeover?! I guess so!!! They said i looked 10 years younger (yeah, yeah, that's good. . .) My eyes looked different, they're actually almost greenish gold and i always thought they were just 'brown'. My skin looked different, better different. I didn't want this to change, i wanted to keep the illusion, but nothing ever stays the same and i happen to have very fast growing hair. . so now the silver is re-emerging in a 'halo' around my temples, at the crown. I read Proverbs 16:31 Grey hair is a crown of glory; it is gained by living a godly life. and i think: 'Geez. . . i must be the most glorious chick around, cuz i'm so crowned!!!' Why do i fight this trivial thing? Shouldn't i be natural? go grey gracefully? embrace my Grandmotherhood (well i do, but i still can't bring myself to embrace the grey) What's my problem? Its good enough for George Glooney. . . but he's a guy! Guys. . this is one of those double standards; greying men look 'distinguished', greying women look 'old'!! I want to reject this and say "Poppycock!" or "Balderdash!" but you know what? its true. I have no grounds for dispute.

So, yeah, i'm developing a skunk stripe and its making me depressed. Time to call 1-800-Jenny!!! I have talks with myself that go like this: "When i'm in my 50s or 60s i'll be okay with it." Yeah, right!!!

Friday, June 15, 2007

whatever pops into my mind

Yesterday i saw pictures of my preborn grandchild! The resolution in ultrasonography has improved so much from the 80s, you just can't compare those greyish/white 'blobs' with today's intricate, any- 'joe'- can- see- the -details. Its amazing the way we can peek into the inner sanctum and see a forming life.

Work is going well, 2 hours shifts, who can complain about that??! I'm getting back into getting up early and being out the door with a purpose. It does wonders for the psyche. Its too easy to feel aimless when every day is wide open with no structure. . its hard to stay motivated. Physio is ongoing and my physical progress is astounding when i think of how it felt when i was deep in the pit and how liberated i now feel -- free of strong narcotics, free of near-total inability, free of mind-addling, spirit sapping pain. I sleep, i have begun to exercise, i feel like i'm able to pick up my life again and take it back. I have turned the corner! I am no longer despair's prisoner. I feel possibility and hope for full living.

My dog weighs 9 pounds, 2 ounces and has a clean bill of health. She had her hair cut and bath last night. She has yet, after all the groomings Rob has given her, learned to relax and let him get rid of that excess fur. She jerks and moves constantly, resistant to the end, panting crazily, uncooperative in the extreme. Its an exhausting process both of them! I usually get drafted to help when it comes to trimming her underbelly. I'm pretty strong and she's pretty tiny - but trying to pry her hind legs apart is surprisingly difficult. I sometimes wonder if her tendons are made of high-tensile steel wire? She's looking very adorable and her fur, which feels like half her weight, is in the compost bin and all is forgiven.

I don't have a name for this colour, hard to describe, but today i discovered another blue to wear besides pale blue. . its very saturated, a cross between turqouise and teal. Looks good with my hair and my skin. It also makes me feel happy. Colour has this way with the brain. . . interesting.

Learning is one of those things that helps with humility. I hope i never get to the point where i think i know a lot, because i think that's the point at which i couldn't be taught and that's the point at which i would begin to harden and seal off. I want to say more but i don't know how to order the thoughts or assign them words. Its been a time of plumbing the depths and being just unable to sound them -- as if they could be. . .

Its little joys that make things so swell -- having more gas in your tank than you realized, catching up on the household paperwork/bills, meeting up with someone you've missed, cooking the rice perfectly, sleeping in a freshly-made bed, feeling at home, finding beauty where you least suspect and feeling the potential of who you aren't yet but one day will be.

Monday, June 04, 2007

is blogging on the way out?

i don't know, what do you guys think? is blogging starting to drop off? Are the interactive cyberactivities that much more fulfilling? Facebook, Myspace, MSN, whatever else there is out there? I find FB easy to use and kinda fun, certainly more instant and more about back and forth 'talking'. There is something about sitting down to write something. I don't think i could ever give that up and yes it is a solitary thing to do but it brings its own reward - letting things come from your heart, your mind, your spirit and giving them shape, choosing the words, seeing what you feel in writing. Its a thrill that 'wall writing' can't even touch. Though you do put yourself 'out there' having phrased your vulnerabilities or vanities, hoping that what you say will resonate with somebody? anybody? help them? give them a smile? and with blogging you always wonder. . .your ego wonders! and i do hear this in other bloggers' posts. . "Does anybody actually read this?"!!! Its even tempting to keep score of how many people visit your site (though this is something i've never done, because i really don't want to know). All things considered, i still enjoy blogging and checking people's blogs. i like to read what they're thinking , what inspires them, what irks them, amuses, all kinds of other things. i love communication but i notice the effect remote closeness has on me. I sit to write, i read other people's writings - feeling connected, yet oddly disconnected. Keeping the world at arm's length, but at my fingertips. Sure its great for keeping in touch with geographically-distant friends/family, but its bizarre that i have more cyber than actual contact with people who live in my own city!!

Why don't people call? visit? These things take precious time. I think the pace of life has almost dictated such innovation. Virtual contact brings control, choice - to read or not, to make comment or not, how to block/inspect comments prior to allowing them, how to keep away the spam, control how much personal information you divulge, choose what time of day or night to access, its very convenient - customizable but relationally stifling at the same time. Do you feel more free to express yourself here and perhaps more inhibited in face to face encounters? Everyone searches out their own methods to make communication technology work for them, this has always been true. I don't know though, there is a different feel in the 21st century. Fewer boundaries? More danger? Is it too much for us? Can we handle it? Technology races headlong and consequences trail in its wake.

We're all in this, i'm not grousing, just making observations. i'm thinking about the implications of computerization as it relates to our lifestyles, our friendships, our ways of informing, sharing, bonding, distancing. . it is interesting. . . .

Sunday, June 03, 2007

what did we see????

The day started off calmly - i was the first one up, which i always like. I headed down to the basement where its cool! Ate my bran, did some reading, prayed for a while, then Linds and the kiddies came by for a visit. Its always great when they come over, the energy level in the house rises crazily!!! *good crazy!* The toys come out, the requests for ice cream and drinks, Auntie KK's high heels come out for Eri to walk around in. . . Maggie (puppy dog) never knows which way to play it (hide upstairs where its quieter, or venture downstairs hoping to enjoy some 'floor food' little kids are doggie's BF!) Rob got called in to work cuz something broke down - he was gone for a while, which kind of set our whole day back. It happens!

When Rob got back we all hung out for a bit, but we had groceries to buy, so we went to pick up Mom while Linds and KK continued their visited here with the kids. We went downtown to Food Basics - better prices but neither Rob nor Mom likes this place and they make their disdain for this 'ugly betty' store quite clear, which i simply block out cuz i like bargains!!! We left the store and headed to Mom's to drop her off. This is when it happened. . . .

A man, pushing a baby buggy, walked on the right-hand side of the street. His female partner walked behind him on the outside of the sidewalk, another child walked beside her. The man appeared angry - his features were indistinct at the speed we were driving, but there was an overall darkness around him. As we drove past, he stopped in his tracks, the woman had caught up with him. . . he belted her in the face and put his offending hand back on the buggy handle, continued walking at top speed, mouthing something. Surreal. . did we really see what we thought we saw? Such a short, sharp burst of violence - he struck with cobra-like speed, i've never seen anything like it. She just bowed her head and stared at her feet as she walked. That bothered me more than he did. Mom didn't see this and was talking about something, i don't know what. . . Rob was looking in his rear view as he drove, my head was still turned to see them quickly disappear from my sight line - i could only see her fuschia dress. We kept saying to each other? "Did you see that?" "Yes, i saw. . i can't believe it - if he would do that in public, imagine what he's like at home?"

I wonder if we should have stopped to confront him? What would have happened? Would he go 'postal'? Did he have a hidden weapon? Would he blame her for that too? Likely. . It was so strange. . we went on with our day -- Rob and KK headed out later to the driving range - i did some reading. . . and thinking about this afternoon scene. . . about this family . . . .