silver is not my favourite colour

I like to live with certain illusions, eating dessert often is okay, the clothes in the 'ironing pile' will be taken care of by the chore fairies, our debts will some day be gone, i still have shiny, dark hair. I'm firmly in touch with reality.

Yes, my hair is dark right now, but give it another month and you'd be pulling me aside and saying "Hey, Cruella, don't you think you should see someone about that white stripe?" *BIG SIGH* George Clooney and Richard Gere are very secure with becoming silver foxes. Oh, i wish i could share their bliss. Am i vain? I don't think so, i'm too insecure for that!!! Is this superficial? Of course it is and i chastise myself mentally for fixating on such a nothing deal, yet to me it has 'something' status. Since my greying journey began i've used different, desperate methods to deal with the issue. I've turned to purchasing 'youth assistance' from WalMart -- L'Oreal was good for a while, though i always felt like it looked one dimensional. I gave Garnier a whirl -- BIG mistake. . i purchased some mahoganyish shade -- ended up with purple hair. It was plain embarrassing. I felt like my head was a giant eggplant. It made my skin look sallow. Horrible. I eventually got tired of the self-help colourization and decided to leap into streaks, chunks and went a bit wild with them . . . . ash blonde, caramel, purple, blackish brown -- not all at the same time!!! Funny, i hated having the Garnier purple hair, but fast forward a few years and i'm paying someone to streak some of my hair what colour? Barney purple. Hypocrite! Really though, it was cool! Jenny is my pro and she does a great job of hiding my silver hair, though she actually thinks the silver is cool and that i should just let it shine. BAH!!! As if!!!! I really hate it. It makes me feel different about myself and its not a good different.

When i first started to go grey i was 20 years old. I have a sneaking suspicion that the area of my head in which i first started to have these horrible white strands was the actual area on which had dropped several large tins of frozen juice from my Nana's freezer, as i crawled under there when things were being loaded/unloaded? This was unfortunate and may account for not only prematurely white hair but perhaps for any sort of mental state i'd like to assign to the incident?! But where could i begin?! I used to pull the greys out. Kinda hurt!!! Eventually i had to stop . It reminded me of trying to deal with dandelions on my lawn. . losing battle.

I wasn't ready to resign. I'm still not. I more recently got rid of the streaky look and went with a nice, warm brown. Wow, what a difference!!! People asked me if i'd had a makeover?! I guess so!!! They said i looked 10 years younger (yeah, yeah, that's good. . .) My eyes looked different, they're actually almost greenish gold and i always thought they were just 'brown'. My skin looked different, better different. I didn't want this to change, i wanted to keep the illusion, but nothing ever stays the same and i happen to have very fast growing hair. . so now the silver is re-emerging in a 'halo' around my temples, at the crown. I read Proverbs 16:31 Grey hair is a crown of glory; it is gained by living a godly life. and i think: 'Geez. . . i must be the most glorious chick around, cuz i'm so crowned!!!' Why do i fight this trivial thing? Shouldn't i be natural? go grey gracefully? embrace my Grandmotherhood (well i do, but i still can't bring myself to embrace the grey) What's my problem? Its good enough for George Glooney. . . but he's a guy! Guys. . this is one of those double standards; greying men look 'distinguished', greying women look 'old'!! I want to reject this and say "Poppycock!" or "Balderdash!" but you know what? its true. I have no grounds for dispute.

So, yeah, i'm developing a skunk stripe and its making me depressed. Time to call 1-800-Jenny!!! I have talks with myself that go like this: "When i'm in my 50s or 60s i'll be okay with it." Yeah, right!!!