Sunday, July 31, 2005

things i love. . .

do you ever feel instants where you really get it? like you understand the best things and you savour them? i'm having a moment now where i understand some best things and i'm glad for these moments, cuz they're real and they're beautiful and they're what's good about living.

these are some things i love. . .

my husband plays guitar late at night. . i love that. he's good, though he doesn't think that he is. he usually sings too and he always sings with his eyes closed, which is another thing i love, the way he feels music and i feel it too. sometimes i sit on the basement stairs and watch him play when he doesn't know it. Other times i sing with him, which is another thing i love. sometimes we write our songs in the wee hours and the clock is non-existent cuz we don't care. . i love not caring about rules or time or routine. its great to see moments as unduplicatable and special. .

i love when my girls are home and we're all together, me and their dad and them. . it doesn't happen often now with Linds raising her own little family and KK being away at school half the year, and the other half, working or being out with the love of her life! its like the walls of the house reverberate with life and conversation and laughter when we're all here - which i love.

i love when our grandchildren come to visit. I love it when they burst in the door and i hear Jimmy's high pitched voice "Hi!!" He's always first in the door. . he flings off whatever outerwear he's got on. . he loses the shoes and bounds into the front room to get at his toys. I always head him off at the pass to get my hugs and steal my kisses. Eri is always on her mom's hip, usually with a sucky in her mouth. . her strawberry blonde hair hanging in little curls at the nape of her neck. . her blue eyes light up and her arms extend towards me. I love that. . .

i love special occasions and i've been known to go a little bit overboard! like the time Linds looked at my Valentine's Day adornments and said "It look like Valentine's Day threw up in here." She thinks its a Hallmark holiday, i don't care. . i love it and all other similar occasions, Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day, Father's Day, V-Day, birthdays. . i love to celebrate. . i love to make a moderate fuss, not a gaudy, tacky, hyperactive kind of fuss, but a laid back enjoyment type of fuss . i love the chance to go the extra mile to make memories and be good to my family and really enjoy the moment.

i love being outside, i love the feel of air on my skin and the smells of the earth and all that springs from it. I really enjoy being under the sky. . it brings this sense of something, i'm not sure. . . being small, feeling quiet. The sky is full of cool things that if i really consider what they are and the distance they are from where i stand, i can feel like a child and get a break from the burden of always trying to seem sophisticated or 'mature', i love that.

i love it when i can have a great conversation with someone. . when i can listen to them and they listen to me and i don't have any inner dialogue or shifting thoughts. . sometimes its hard to get there, you know? but when you do, its one of the best things.

i love mystery. . that's why i'd never go to a fortune teller. . i don't want to know what's around the corner and I don't believe that's something i should be doing anyway, cuz then it would be like i didn't trust God and i do, and why would i want to mess that up between us? mystery can be scary, but it can also be intriguing and i love that feeling of "What may happen?. . . i don't know!"

i love the feeling of being inspired and going with something because its just meant to be and you know it and its flowing. . .i might be writing; sometimes i can't sleep because i feel like i have to take dictation or something! i might even stay up all night working on something that seems very urgent and i must go with it while its here, i might be brainstorming and ideas are flying at me, it might be creating something with my hands, you know. . . a meal, a dessert, i might be taking pictures and trying different angles and hoping to capture something fantastic. . light, shadow, something cool, something different. . i might get notions to change something that needs changing. . .

i love sorrow. . . which is a bizarre thing to say. . but i don't suppose i love it so much as respect its extreme depth. It brings something to you when you've felt it, it helps you. . it doesn't matter whether i'm swimming in it, which i often have, or whether it belongs to someone else. . . it has this capacity to distill things to their essence. . all the superfluous stuff, it just flies out the window in the presence of sorrow. . its dark and brooding, but when you've tasted it and you've then emerged from your particular experience with it, everything takes on a different quality. . light is lighter, colour is richer and you are changed. .

there's so much more, i know -- endless possibilities. . but i think this is good just now.

what do you love?

Friday, July 29, 2005

remembering. . . .

Nicole was a lovely young lady, almost 13 and full of promise when she left for the next life. Today is the anniversary of her departure. I drove alongside the river this afternoon and turned into the "Coping Centre" an unbelievably beautiful, welcoming haven for grieving people. I joined some of her family and friends to commemmorate her life. How beautiful the surroundings. . lush, cool grass. . the river flowing silently by, the terraced fountain built by the same hands that raised her; a lasting testament to their great love for their only child. Today this lovely corner of remembrance was dedicated to her memory. Our group gathered to listen to tributes and words of reflection. We thought about Nicole and God and we thought about suffering and grief as we watched a small, white butterfly's flight path. Its been 3 years . . .

Nicole was long limbed and slender, with lovely eyes and luxurious chestnut hair. Her energy was boundless, her hugs memorable and her singing voice lovely. She was full of her parents' enthusiasm for life -- she never did anything halfway. Her love for God was pure and simple. . . . .oh, i don't know how to word anything.. . . how do you talk about someone's life in a few clumsy paragraphs? how do you avoid the cliches and really say what's in your heart? I don't know if i can do it???

If it was possible for me to 'measure' Nicole's 'worth' by looking at her parents' depth of grief, i could only convey this worth with one word : infinite.

I don't think i've ever seen such overflowing emotion. . it was the same in life as it is in death. . they never seemed to take her for granted and their gratitude for her presence with them was absolutely authentic. Their hearts were always full and their devotion to her and each other is rare in its intensity. Much love = much heartbreak.

I can't begin to say how many people were affected by her death, or by her parents' faith in God that never wavered and only became stronger even as they went through that emotional minefield; sometimes crawling, sometimes not moving at all . . they never gave up and they've effectively channeled their energies to helping others. I love them dearly and admire and respect them immensely. . .

" . . . our life has changed, we're taking it on faith.. . living every minute in His grace. The pain we feel is never far away, but His strength is in us every day. " M&H. . those lines are for you and you know where that's from and you've lived them and I'm so proud of you. love always. . . me.

Friday, July 22, 2005

the river is wide

Evening in July on the Grand River. . . our sturdy green canoe bears us away from the concrete and asphalt, from 4 walls, from maddening traffic and fluorescent shopping malls into a watery retreat from city living. From the first dip of the paddle we are transported into another realm. The brilliant orange embers of waning sun blaze a path on the water's serene surface. The quiet blankets us -- car sounds are replaced with bird calls, ducklings chase their mothers, three majestic, long-legged grey herons scan the shore lines for their fish suppers. We paddle as silently as we can to get as close as possible, but inevitably the large birds scare and display their wing spans as we silently watch their flights. We pass scullers out for an evening row. Soon we are alone, under the cloud canopy. Evening is beginning. The air is fragrant with the smell of vegetation and earthiness wafting from the distant banks.

The water is wide. . . smooth like glass. . the clouds are perfectly mirrored there. A glance at the water disorients us, it seems almost as if we are paddling through the sky, the white and blue of the heavens looks swirled on the river's surface, like a glorious water colour painting. . ripples spread concentrically from the oars. . .skitter bugs skate along and fish occasionally jump up and slap down. It seems unnatural for us to sit on the river without feeling the wetness of the water, yet we drily slice through the murky depths swiftly and silently. I place my paddle over my knees and plunge my left hand into the cool water. . i let it trail along as Rob continues to row. We talk occasionally, but often we are silent. . . and we don't mind the absence of words.

as the sky darkens we reluctantly turn around, we've paddled a long way. . . but an upstream roar draws us further and we spy a rocky water fall that tumbles from remnants of escarpment, cliff-like rocky outcroppings that line some parts of the Grand River's path. We bring the canoe alongside the falls to watch that water foam and surge from high above us. . . there are no shallows at this part of the bank. . just a straight drop down who knows how far? We sometimes try to gauge the depths by attempting to sound the riverbed with our paddles -- there is nothing to touch here. Sometimes I admit I'm a bit afraid sitting over the inky depths of this living remnant of ancient lake that once covered the entire city. I picture what lives underneath the water, undulating plant life, squirming, swimming creatures, i picture the contours of the bed far below, its dips and shallows, its rocks imprinted with prehistoric fossils. I feel a bit scared, and very small, but exhilerated and calmed all at once. We shove away from the weediness. . long, green strings of vegetation wrap around the oars, but these are washed away as we paddle outwards into the middle of this beautiful buoyant pathway.

We drift past the river view homes sitting high atop the banks, we feel a stab of envy as we see their suspended decks and enclosed glass lookouts. . what a glorious place to live! close to the water, its smells and sounds, its rippling and lapping, its mirror-perfect calm and deceptively powerful and deadly undertows. . the glorious Grand has claimed lives and commands respect. . and we we pay it -- our life jackets are always securely fastened.

The dock comes into view and twilight is falling, we timed it well . I wonder what it would be like to sit out on the water, floating, under the full moon and the pin point stars, see their reflection in the blackness under and over and all around. . . idyllic, but ill advised! We disembark reluctantly. . but the river is always there beckoning. . . "come away with me". . .

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

scary husbands

i can't believe that one more husband has been charged with killing his wife and unborn child. . what can be said about men who do this?

Scott Petersen

Mark Hacking

Michael White is the latest. . . if you're not familiar with this latest case, check this link.

These men all killed their pregnant wives.
They then displayed grief and distress.
They joined the search efforts.
They made tearful pleas to the media.
They became suspects in the murders.
They were arrested for those murders.

What happened to "love, honour and cherish? What happened to vows? covenant? the family?
What about these little babies? they never even had a chance.
What about the devastated parents? the families? their loss is unspeakable, their rage and hurt, their trust shattered, their grief. . . .

As I followed the story of the latest missing wife and expectant mother, my first thought was "Her husband probably murdered her." When did a marriage licence become a hunting licence?

I'm listening, appropriately enough, to the song "What's Goin' On?"

this is too much.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

1:30 a.m.

its like a strange kind of programming that finds me awake at an hour when most people will have already been asleep for several hours.

i'm actually very tired now, so promise to keep it short and sweet - brevity and me aren't well acquainted. perhaps we may meet tonight?

yeah, i'm not feelin' so bloggy lately, and that's not so bad. . been a busy week. busy's good. doing some kitchen renos. .nothing's being destroyed other than some fruity-looking wall paper and lace curtains! cupboards etc are remaining - just getting a fresh coat or two of paint. we're officially on holiday time now, so that's so great. . gonna celebrate by sleeping in 2morrow!!!*i mean today!* this is an 'open-ended' type of week. . no plans other than 2 day trips to and We're taking Linds and the kiddies! mom too! I think even KK might want to come along to the ROM? So, those are 2 good things to do!! can't wait. might snap a few good pix! other than that we'll do whatever we want! KK's working all week. . poor girl!

anyway, that's all she wrote, for this moment in time anyway! must sleep. . .

Friday, July 08, 2005

i'm a big cry baby!!!

you know, sometimes its exhausting being such a marshmallow. . I can get myself so wrung out just watching a movie or reading a story, or listening to somebody talk, hearing a touching song. . .. I don't know why it is. .but i get so 'into' that emotion that's kinda crackling in the air, visible on faces, heard in in the voices - i think its almost like i breathe it in, or swallow it somehow and it goes straight to my heart and gives me a lump in my throat and the inevitable tears begin. I guess I just hafta be who i am, which is a great big cry baby!! Why fight how i'm 'wired'?? Right?! heh heh. . Rob just shakes his head. . he gets me kleenex and pats me on the head, chuckles indulgently and says "You're such a softy."

We just watched Dear Frankie . . . a brilliant little Scottish film about 2 moms and their 9 year-old deaf son/grandson. They've moved a lot, mom is always trying to protect Frankie and herself from her abusive husband. Nana is trying to protect her daughter and her grandson. Mom, rather than break her son's heart by telling him that his dad was horrible and violent, she concocts this fantastic story of a petty officer dad sailing 'round the world, sending letters and rare stamps to his son. Frankie corresponds with his "Dad" That's all i'm gonna mention, cuz i don't want to give things away . You can find this gem of a movie at Blockbuster. Its definitely, definitely a 2 thumbs up, exquisitely made film.

So, we watched Dear Frankie and i'm bawling. . Rob's bringing me kleenex. I don't know about anyone else, but sometimes when i'm watching a movie, watching 'World Vision' commericals, or the Toronto Humane Society commericals, or Extreme Home Makeover on tv. . i'm doing what i do best, thinking to myself "I cannot stand this for another minute, its too much emotion to hold in." Its almost to the point that i want to not watch anymore so that i can have a breather!! But i blubber through and usually it lets up a bit so that i can bear it! If i was alone i would probably cry even more, but even though Rob's my best friend in the world, i still can't let go, cuz i feel silly being THAT much of a wuss! If i was by myself watching the sadness i would burst into sobs!! wah wah wah. . . i cry more than my little grandkids!!

anyway, i must get some shut eye. . . so, watch Dear Frankie!! and don't forget the kleenex! you can think of me when you start your own waterworks!

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

da vinci code and ragamuffins

wow.. i'm reading 2 very disparate books at the moment -- yep, i'm a 'book juggler'! the odd couple i'm juggling right now is making my mind do 'loop de loops'!!! and i'm even reading *gasp!* a fiction book!! (Da Vinci Code)

A few weeks back we went to see Batmin Begins. . xlnt movie by the way. . . and we saw a preview for 'DaVinci Code'. . . some big names, the biggest one i remember was Tom Hanks. . so that makes we wanna see the movie right off the bat. So, I become curious about this rampantly distributed, hugely successful book. I'm way late in the reading of it by the rest of society's standards. . and i'm not sure why? maybe it was because i'd heard murmurings that it was 'sacrilegious'. Well, i decided that i would get it. . so scooped up a copy on sale at Chapters.

Ragamuffin Gospel is being loaned to me by Sherri, thanx hon! I'm about 3/4 of the way through that one. . Brennan Manning the author. Very, very touching and refreshingly honest book about this rebel priest's thoughts and experiences in church and with how he feels toward God. He feels like a scruffy, urchiny ragamuffin next to the grace of God. . and you know, as i read his thoughts i really identify and i think i'll go out after i'm done with Sherri's copy and I will buy my own so that i can mark it up like i do with almost every book i own!!!

Back to Da Vinci. . . what a page turner! I just bought the juicy 250 chapter pot boiler and i'm already more than halfway through it in less than 2 days. . in fact, i'm gonna cut this short so i can go read some more! Some of theories put forth in this book, i'm not sure how fictional this book is, in other words i wonder where this comes from and i'm kind of intrigued and also kind of perplexed and wondering about 'what is truth'. . . It kinda goes into religious 'taboo' territory, but certainly doesn't alter my beliefs in the trinity, salvation, judgement, etc. . Its got me wondering, but not shaken or doubting. .

Anybody read this one? any comments? I'm not gonna give anything away here just in case you haven't read it. .

books rock. . i love them. . .

i'm headin' for the rec room!

Saturday, July 02, 2005

live 8

hey, are you watching Live8 today? i've been watching off and on - we're taping the thing on 2 tapes!! been doin' chores in between bouts of watching the excitement. . made some chicken satay stir fry for dinner - with nice orange jasmine rice. . . yum. that was really good. The hot chili flakes i put in it gave a nice bite, not to mention the fresh ginger, onion and garlic. . Rob's not a fan of spicy food, but i sure am! so that was good. hey, once in a while i poke Rob with a stick to see if he's still alive. . i periodically ask him to come up from his basement television watching sessions. . I want to go for a walk - its so lovely out there. when events like this come on the tube its hard to peel him off his la-z-boy chair. . grrrr.

ho ho!!! what's this? he's just come up here on his own!!!!! knock me over with a feather!!!
and he's puttin' dishes away. . i may faint. KKs gone to New York state with her b/f Joely, his bro Ryan and 2 more sets of friend couples, to see Dave Matthews band. . her only little holiday this summer (working full time to sock away the moola for this fall's living expenses. . her first year off campus!!) I'm sure she's havin' loads of fun!!? Lindsay and the kids were over earlier, they were bringing the van back to us after borrowing it to go last night to see the Canada Day fireworks, which they didn't end up seeing cuz the kids were tired and cranky. The fair at the park was crappy, she was saying. . so they went to Sportsworld to the arcade. So, they didn't stay here long today, just long enough for James and Eri to jump on the mini tramp and have a drink of milk. . and get hugs and kisses from Nana and Opa!! We love to see them!!

so, i'm not terribly talkative. i have a bit of a headache. . blah. the new People mag is on the table here by the computer. The headlines declare : Engaged! HOW TOM PROPOSED. . her ring, his secret plan, Katie wants kids, details of a scientology wedding. . . oh my. the media is goin' nuts with this odd couple lately. I'm scratching my head over it. Speaking of Tom Cruise. . . saw War of the Worlds last night. Spielberg spared no expense obviously with the effects. It was a fairly decent movie, some suspense to be had. . i've seen better and i've seen worse. . acting was pretty good. .

well, have a great rest of the weekend folks, its a lovely one! later. . .