Do you ever feel like this world is full of people going around just looking for others whom they can trust with their stories? their experiences? I feel like this. I think everyone walks around like this, testing others, gauging from their reactions and responses whether or not they will go beyond greetings and talk about more than sports or weather to begin to build some kind of framework of trust and security, where their real selves would risk making an appearance. I think people want others to have time for them, to make time for them. I think people want others who will look at them and see them and love them. I struggle -- do you? i struggle on both ends of it. . . i get wrapped up, involved, i'm busy, unavailable. . . others are the same way. . always running on parallel courses, never intersecting - or crossing for the briefest of times in sadly superficial ways. Do you know what I mean?
Sometimes i'm not busy, i'm undone, afraid to be involved, strangely fragile for such a tough dame - and I'm guessing that everyone else has their own moments too. I don't usually confess this to anyone but my best friend/husband. He knows me and i know him. This is somehow easy, I guess because it feels so anonymous.
Its so easy to see buildings and work at jobs and drive in vehicles and purchase items and pursue goals and dream dreams, but its similarly easy to let relationships become overlooked and undernurtured, like a beautiful garden gone to seed, dry, neglected and wilted. Its even easier not to plant at all. Isn't that just so true?
Then you can expand your thoughts outside your own circles to consider that there are many circles besides your own. It feels like I'm more often colliding with people than relating, it really does. . like we're all just kind of ricocheting off each other. . sometimes these collisions will leave a bruise, other times barely a scratch, maybe fleetingly pleasant, maybe not. . It feels weird - even this feels weird. . as somehow it passes for conversation, though its just a solitary picture with me in the dark at my computer and you reading my cooled off words. .
Do you ever feel when you drive around or walk around and see people, people everywhere and you wonder: "What's their story? What have they been through?" I'm sometimes acutely aware of living in a city with house after house after building after building full of people, people and more people and I wonder how they're feeling, does someone listen to them? does someone love them? are they angry? do they feel alone? Did someone abandon them?
I don't even know why these thoughts are in my head now. . maybe they just are and that's good enough reason. Sometimes i write stuff in this blog, pour it out of my heart, then delete it all. Do you ever do that? I do that when i comment on others' blogs - i think i'll put it out there, then I get scared and make it go away. I hope that I can understand how important it is for me to be someone worthy of trust and someone loving enough who will care to listen to the things that other people say, and even more to the things they might not.