Monday, May 01, 2006

ever feel. . .

Do you ever feel like this world is full of people going around just looking for others whom they can trust with their stories? their experiences? I feel like this. I think everyone walks around like this, testing others, gauging from their reactions and responses whether or not they will go beyond greetings and talk about more than sports or weather to begin to build some kind of framework of trust and security, where their real selves would risk making an appearance. I think people want others to have time for them, to make time for them. I think people want others who will look at them and see them and love them. I struggle -- do you? i struggle on both ends of it. . . i get wrapped up, involved, i'm busy, unavailable. . . others are the same way. . always running on parallel courses, never intersecting - or crossing for the briefest of times in sadly superficial ways. Do you know what I mean?

Sometimes i'm not busy, i'm undone, afraid to be involved, strangely fragile for such a tough dame - and I'm guessing that everyone else has their own moments too. I don't usually confess this to anyone but my best friend/husband. He knows me and i know him. This is somehow easy, I guess because it feels so anonymous.

Its so easy to see buildings and work at jobs and drive in vehicles and purchase items and pursue goals and dream dreams, but its similarly easy to let relationships become overlooked and undernurtured, like a beautiful garden gone to seed, dry, neglected and wilted. Its even easier not to plant at all. Isn't that just so true?

Then you can expand your thoughts outside your own circles to consider that there are many circles besides your own. It feels like I'm more often colliding with people than relating, it really does. . like we're all just kind of ricocheting off each other. . sometimes these collisions will leave a bruise, other times barely a scratch, maybe fleetingly pleasant, maybe not. . It feels weird - even this feels weird. . as somehow it passes for conversation, though its just a solitary picture with me in the dark at my computer and you reading my cooled off words. .

Do you ever feel when you drive around or walk around and see people, people everywhere and you wonder: "What's their story? What have they been through?" I'm sometimes acutely aware of living in a city with house after house after building after building full of people, people and more people and I wonder how they're feeling, does someone listen to them? does someone love them? are they angry? do they feel alone? Did someone abandon them?

I don't even know why these thoughts are in my head now. . maybe they just are and that's good enough reason. Sometimes i write stuff in this blog, pour it out of my heart, then delete it all. Do you ever do that? I do that when i comment on others' blogs - i think i'll put it out there, then I get scared and make it go away. I hope that I can understand how important it is for me to be someone worthy of trust and someone loving enough who will care to listen to the things that other people say, and even more to the things they might not.

9 comments:

supersimbo said...

kat i am a bit stunned at your post...........heres why!! last night in church my good mate and youth pastor delivered a great message, honest and real about how we hide ourselves, we cover up our feelings, our stories. He admitted to the whole church that he has done this with some of us, he has play-acted his role at times, not been "Coming clean".........we do this in exchange to be liked and loved dont we?
Now i was gonna type this up last night but then i remembered about gary and i really wanted to post about him so i thought, ok il gather my thoughts on this stuff........................you just typed my thoughts about it! I mean it, i am stunned because a lot of what u said was floating in my head..........you probably know by now i m not easily carried away by weird happenings or the "signs and wonders" things but sometimes a wee thing like this happens and i think..........you know maybe i wouldnt have posted this, mayeb i would have forgotten but then you came along with your post and reminded me, "hey this is serious............listen"
so thanks for making me listen to what God said last night at church

Kathryn said...

Ally, it was the strangest thing last night. I was getting washed up for bed, flossing and brushing. . I had no intentions of sitting at the computer to do anything, when I had this strong feeling and these thoughts just started coming into my head. I was tired, I wanted to go to bed. But when i get that kind of urging I can't ignore it. Rob came up from downstairs and said to me "Kathy, its late. . " to which I answered: "I know, i don't know why, but I have to write this. . its important."

Thanx so much for telling me why!!! this blows me away. . .i've got the goosebumps. Its not like i didn't feel all these things, but it was just so cool how it was almost like I heard God say: "I need you to write this, RIGHT NOW." whoa. . .

Tee said...

Sometimes I think like that and sometimes I think there are very few of us out there - people like me and you.

Sometimes I think everyone else is content to live their lives superficially - that they don't have stories to tell, that they don't think deeply, that they are apathetic towards life in general.

It's a sad thought and hopefully your view is the correct one - but then that's also sad, because how often do we put the energy into connecting with people? How often do we even actually have that energy?

Literally billions of passing ships.

Kathryn said...

i do think that everyone has a story to tell. . maybe some people are just numb? or maybe they're afraid to be real? and yes, maybe some people just don't ever think about things. yes, so many billions of ships passing. .that's a very good way to put it, Tee. You're right, I need to care about people. I cannot expect people to care if I don't.

emma said...

again, thank you kat, thanks for reminding us just how important our stories are, how much we can help each other... if we would just be brave enough to be vulnerable. but thats the problem... we're not. even from my own point of view, i know that I hide away a lot of my story, that certain parts of it only come out for certain people... maybe that part could really help someone else? its only recently that i even shared with ally a huge part of my story.
Maybe if I wasnt so afraid i could help people? Eek i dunno... but thanks for challenging me.

sanityflair said...

hey kathryn, am in school trying to study for my bio paper tmr and was just feeling argish and decided to come read your blog. wow. this entry kinda just blew me away. in a good way. it was a very thought-full log entry and i think u articulated something that we all know but perhaps are afraid to say sometimes. i think it's very true how we just focus so much on ourselves sometimes that we forget about others. even in a church setting. u can spend so much time building the ministry and yet not exactly meeting the needs of the people. thank u for being so open and honest. it's definitely refreshing and it inspires others to do the same as well! :)

Kathryn said...

hey minwei! Thanx for coming for a visit. I'm sure you'll do well on that exam!! its good to take a study break sometimes, eh? the brain can take only so much!

I'm glad this entry was something you could relate to. You're right, we all get inside ourselves at times. . then we get all out of whack. .

let me know how you did on your exam!

Sherri Lavender said...

I like your garden analogy. So true. It IS easier not to start a garden at all. Some parts are fun. Some are quite difficult - digging into hard soil, weeding, etc. But so much is enjoyable too. And sitting back to look at a beautifully cared for garden - there's nothing like it. Very rewarding. Peaceful. Joyful. So true of our community of relationships as well. Hard work. Good and bad. But rewarding. God calls us to live in authentic community with eachother! We need it. But it can be so hard. Always feel free to be real with me. I love you no matter what! :o) Thanks for allowing me to be real with you too!

Kathryn said...

Sherri! I really like your thoughts on the garden analogy and community. Thanx for your affirming, touching comments!!

love, me
xo