Sunday, September 10, 2006

feelin' like i'm on the cusp of something. . but what?



Restless, mid-lifey feeling? like something is looming on my life's horizon. . .
yeah, it's called death!!! LOL!!! i'm not being morbid - just practical! Of course it looms over us all, but that's not really it. It's something hard to pin down. Do you know what I mean?

I honestly do get really tired of myself, you know. I have an internal dialogue. . . maybe its more like a peripatetic whine-alogue. I wish i could do this, no, i wish that, no -- i've changed my mind. .that's too frivilous, that's too ambitious, that's not realistic, that's definitely not feasible. I'm middle aged and i do know myself well and have more security in knowing 'me' and knowing that i don't have to pretend or 'role play' like i did when i was very much younger.
That's where the restlessness crawls in. I should feel fine.
I've met the younger me goals: getting married to someone i LOVE, having lovely children, holding down a job. Check, check, check.

Yet i'm having trouble making sense out of things, perhaps directions, hints, nudges that i fear i may be too thick to receive or comprehend. . What else am i supposed to do?? Is there anything else? Am I destined to be in this job for the rest of my working years? or not?
How can i desire to do something of lasting value in my community, my country and yes, the world? I have fleeting moments of this kind of desire and I do feel and i give and i feel some more for others. . . but most often i'm just so about those who are dear to me. I feel still so unformed.

Sometimes I think that must do a big thing, but I'm not a 'big thing' doer.
Then I think it's about 'the little things', but they seem like a drop in the bucket.
I then think about medium. . what about medium-sized things? that seems like a good compromise. . but even medium scares me into a paralyzed kind of funk.
My spirit thirsts to be spiritual. Spiritual is truer, deeper.
My mind and physical part work against that desire. . like they don't want spirity spirit-face in on the fun - killjoy.

The other day i went to some lovely shops in another town - i enjoyed looking at beautiful things, i enjoyed talking to the people i met. . . i was happy, i bought a few things (some were gifts, a couple of things were for me). I felt strange. . . i was walking along with the bags in my hands, telling myself: "You're feeling materialistic and you like it!" Yes, I did like it and i felt strange that i felt like i had to shut my spirit out of that experience. . . why can i not integrate myself? Why do i sit in judgement of something like that? I wasn't paying $900 for a handbag, i was just in a little town buying a few things that together didn't even total $90. I know that when i was in the bakery buying goodies *doing some taste testing for my own 'field research' -- another blog topic!* I could think about starvation in the third world. . AIDS, human trafficking, terrorism, there's plenty more -we all know. . and I could feel strange about eating a lemon coconut square while the world groans with the collective suffering of it's people. But i've got to get a grip. . I can't be hyperspiritual. I can't be hyperphysical and though I'm very good at this last one, I can't be hyperemotional. no hyper. . just take that right outta there. I can be integrated. . I have to be. No one part of me should ever be outside the others, but it is, cuz three's an odd number and someone always gets left out. Not only that, but the combinations are always changing, so it's always a different part that gets neglected.

Angst is not the exclusive domain of the teenager.

I think too much, that's what Rob says. *he also thinks that i feel too much, but knows that i can't seem to help this* (he also thinks that sometimes i talk too much too -- cuz in his books, anything beyond a few words is 'too much'!)

Well, even just putting these words on this screen is just cathartic enough to ease my mind.

I can be whole everywhere i go. I can be spirit, mind and body all at the same time. I always get in trouble when i'm not. Still, integration aside, I feel something coming and it's driving me insane!!!! Is it just unfulfilled dreams, or undone deeds manifesting as this feeling of potential? Potential for what??! I can't assign anything to it, I can't fit it into anything. It just is.


emma said...

What a wonderful post Kathryn, thank you. I feel some of those feelings a lot too... although I am only starting out on many of my goals, there is still an uncertainty, am I pursuing the right ones etc? I love the quote that says, "Small things done with great love can change the world." Maybe thats where you could start? The impact isnt measured by the size of the task, but by the love poured into it.

emma said...

Ah ha! Just found the other quote I wanted to share...

"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker."
Helen Keller

Kathryn said...

hi hon. . thanx so much for your encouragement and your beautiful Helen Keller quote - that really addresses this topic perfectly! Yes, you are right about the love behind the things. . for it's the love that makes the difference. . you have a sweet heart, Emma.

Tee said...

I love reading your blog because it helps me remember I'm not crazy. There ARE other people in this world with complex thoughts and feelings. (You're one of them!) LOL.

Just thanks for spilling it all out because I know that's hard to even get the fingers typing when your mind is mulling things over like that.

Kathryn said...

Tee. . thanx for always affirming me. You're such a cool person. I also love reading your blog. You are similarly conflicted and honest and expressive about that and i love that in a person! It's so easy to feel all discombobulated, isn't it?

Lindsay said...

Ooooh wow...your thoughts are all over the place there!

Kathryn said...

yep. . but to quote Zack Werner (Canadian Idol judge) "It is what it is."!!

Bradley B. Shea said...

Another interesting post to get one thinking.


Drumstick said...

Ok, I see what you mean! We all have different feelings from time to time, but God understands who we are, and expects only 'our' best!


Kathryn said...

thanx, Bradley and Roland. . i really appreciate your comments and encouragement too!