*sigh* i watched a TV preacher as i was flippin' through channels 2nite. His greying hair was immacutely styled, his suit was custom made, he sported cuff links and a rolex-like timepiece on his left wrist. He postured well. . . thoughtfully placing his fingertips together in a triangle of sincerity, eyes engaging the camera - speech cadences measured and meticulous, playing with speed and syllables - at times pressured, other times d r a w n o u t ; it was masterful, really. All the while he preached the televangelist's 'gospel de jour' - "Prosperity"!!! "Call into being whatsoever you desire and it will come to you. You have the POWAH to call into being that which HATH no SUBstance and if you have FAY-eth the size of a mustard SEEd, you can say to that mountain: 'Be CAST! into the sea' and it WILL be cast. *he went on. . * "If you need a car, SPEAK! it into existence. If you need MON-EH, you can speak and it will BE!" Rob came down the stairs to see this man assuring the world watching that this is the way it really is.. and Rob and are both Christians and we get very upset at this sort of thing. I switched the channel - I knew where the guy was headed.. . "if you'll donate to this MINISTREH. . . " BAH!!!!!
Sometimes I wonder, what DOES it mean to know God? how does it look to those watching, when they see people like this guy? How does that make them feel? I think they must feel how i feel. disgusted.
I know a tiny, tiny bit of what it means to love God. My feet are sooo made of clay that i'm surprised i can lift them to walk. . But the tiny, tiny bit of me that loves the One I can't see loves Him with honesty and real feeling. I don't want to be rich with 'stuff'. . I want to be rich with real love, not what passes for love. I want to PROVE that I am real and when i screw up i want to own up to it and when I see people i want to care about them and make them feel like they're special. Some people are harder to do this for. . but that's where real vs. fake comes into view. i could hang my head the number of times i failed that test! oi.. .
I'd like to 'disappear' - not in the sense that I am lost and fade into the landscape, but with myself intact, be someone that God can transform from someone hopelessly given to badness into someone who lets good/God be visible in them and doesn't try to squelch it, mutate it or manipulate it, own it as if it emanated from themself, cuz it doesn't. I know that - I have felt the badness that i was born with. It is always there, waiting to unfold itself. . waiting to take over. Some days I understand this TRANSFORMING process that Christianity is all about and let it happen. . . other days i fail. I think its amazing that this One who is so great and huge and holy can allow me the privilege to know Him and show Him -- not on a television screen, but in looks, gestures, words, actions, kisses, hugs, acts of charity, prayers, emails, blogs, cooking, cleaning, celebrating, encouraging, helping, using my talents, spending my hours, living life.