blech

i promise this will be the last moody post. . at least for this week!!! i'm feeling moody so i'm gonna write moody. I usually try to use cloaking devices when i talk to people, when i'm around them, when i email ppl. . but sometimes i've got to let that shield down and be authentically moody or angry or whatever. . .

sometimes i get depressed, sometimes it lasts for a while, sometimes its just a day or two - let's hope this time its the latter. the thing that i hate about it is its joy-sucking qualities. . everything is grey when you're depressed, if i smile, i'm faking it and if i talk, i'm masking it - unless its someone whom i can be myself with. The odd time i have to just stop pretending and let it be what it is and claw my way out of it! i find that isolation is a big problem with me. I work from my home - i am alone when i do this. I have no co-workers, except in 'cyber world' (the work place email) its how ppl 'in house' and 'remote' communicate to work together. . its also a LIFELINE. I've been doing this gig for several years now. yeah, it seems sweet. . work in PJs, no getting ready to go out, listen to your own music when you work, throw laundry in on your break, use my flex time to do whatever and make my hours up earlier or later. Thing is, it cuts you off from human contact. I've start to become a hermit, truly. When i'm are around people, i can become overwhelmed, agitated (in a larger setting) i become so used to quietness, that anything else is chaotic.

anyway, that's that. There is some relationship turmoil to add to the mix -- parents -- long story. . you'd be surprised how growing up damaged affects you for your entire life. . It even gets WORSE as you get older - cuz for some reason i blocked it out when it was all happening, but when the reality sets well and truly in, i find that i am scarred and almost haunted, maybe 'hollow', like there's a hole in my life. Any other additional b.s. just compounds things. *i won't detail it except to say that its church politics type stuff, disillusionment with authority, being lied about and feeling disgusted by hypocrisy, not feeling like i can believe in anything any more, questioning everything that i thought was right and true. . wanting to just quit and drop out of the stupid little world that i used to belong to *

Tonight I decided to get tough with myself! I've learned how to deal with this sh**. I wrote everything out in my journal -- everything single cruddy feeling, every detail, every piece of it. . it didn't do the trick. I'm alone again tonight, Rob's working OT at work. . . Kk's gone out -- so as i went my third way through the channels " click - pause, click, pause - click, click, click. . . I got off my sorry you know what and i just started kind of jogging, moving around. . did this for probably 1/2 hour and you know what? I started to feel a bit less foggy and blank -must be the endorphins. Thank God for endorphins.

well, Rob's home now and wants to go for a walk -- good. more endorphins. maybe when i wake up 2morrow the fog will be gone?