the river is wide

Evening in July on the Grand River. . . our sturdy green canoe bears us away from the concrete and asphalt, from 4 walls, from maddening traffic and fluorescent shopping malls into a watery retreat from city living. From the first dip of the paddle we are transported into another realm. The brilliant orange embers of waning sun blaze a path on the water's serene surface. The quiet blankets us -- car sounds are replaced with bird calls, ducklings chase their mothers, three majestic, long-legged grey herons scan the shore lines for their fish suppers. We paddle as silently as we can to get as close as possible, but inevitably the large birds scare and display their wing spans as we silently watch their flights. We pass scullers out for an evening row. Soon we are alone, under the cloud canopy. Evening is beginning. The air is fragrant with the smell of vegetation and earthiness wafting from the distant banks.

The water is wide. . . smooth like glass. . the clouds are perfectly mirrored there. A glance at the water disorients us, it seems almost as if we are paddling through the sky, the white and blue of the heavens looks swirled on the river's surface, like a glorious water colour painting. . ripples spread concentrically from the oars. . .skitter bugs skate along and fish occasionally jump up and slap down. It seems unnatural for us to sit on the river without feeling the wetness of the water, yet we drily slice through the murky depths swiftly and silently. I place my paddle over my knees and plunge my left hand into the cool water. . i let it trail along as Rob continues to row. We talk occasionally, but often we are silent. . . and we don't mind the absence of words.

as the sky darkens we reluctantly turn around, we've paddled a long way. . . but an upstream roar draws us further and we spy a rocky water fall that tumbles from remnants of escarpment, cliff-like rocky outcroppings that line some parts of the Grand River's path. We bring the canoe alongside the falls to watch that water foam and surge from high above us. . . there are no shallows at this part of the bank. . just a straight drop down who knows how far? We sometimes try to gauge the depths by attempting to sound the riverbed with our paddles -- there is nothing to touch here. Sometimes I admit I'm a bit afraid sitting over the inky depths of this living remnant of ancient lake that once covered the entire city. I picture what lives underneath the water, undulating plant life, squirming, swimming creatures, i picture the contours of the bed far below, its dips and shallows, its rocks imprinted with prehistoric fossils. I feel a bit scared, and very small, but exhilerated and calmed all at once. We shove away from the weediness. . long, green strings of vegetation wrap around the oars, but these are washed away as we paddle outwards into the middle of this beautiful buoyant pathway.

We drift past the river view homes sitting high atop the banks, we feel a stab of envy as we see their suspended decks and enclosed glass lookouts. . what a glorious place to live! close to the water, its smells and sounds, its rippling and lapping, its mirror-perfect calm and deceptively powerful and deadly undertows. . the glorious Grand has claimed lives and commands respect. . and we we pay it -- our life jackets are always securely fastened.

The dock comes into view and twilight is falling, we timed it well . I wonder what it would be like to sit out on the water, floating, under the full moon and the pin point stars, see their reflection in the blackness under and over and all around. . . idyllic, but ill advised! We disembark reluctantly. . but the river is always there beckoning. . . "come away with me". . .

scary husbands

i can't believe that one more husband has been charged with killing his wife and unborn child. . what can be said about men who do this?

Scott Petersen

Mark Hacking

Michael White is the latest. . . if you're not familiar with this latest case, check this link.

http://sympaticomsn.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/1121771077940_2?hub=topstor



These men all killed their pregnant wives.
They then displayed grief and distress.
They joined the search efforts.
They made tearful pleas to the media.
They became suspects in the murders.
They were arrested for those murders.

What happened to "love, honour and cherish? What happened to vows? covenant? the family?
What about these little babies? they never even had a chance.
What about the devastated parents? the families? their loss is unspeakable, their rage and hurt, their trust shattered, their grief. . . .

As I followed the story of the latest missing wife and expectant mother, my first thought was "Her husband probably murdered her." When did a marriage licence become a hunting licence?

I'm listening, appropriately enough, to the song "What's Goin' On?"

this is too much.

1:30 a.m.

its like a strange kind of programming that finds me awake at an hour when most people will have already been asleep for several hours.

i'm actually very tired now, so promise to keep it short and sweet - brevity and me aren't well acquainted. perhaps we may meet tonight?

yeah, i'm not feelin' so bloggy lately, and that's not so bad. . been a busy week. busy's good. doing some kitchen renos. .nothing's being destroyed other than some fruity-looking wall paper and lace curtains! cupboards etc are remaining - just getting a fresh coat or two of paint. we're officially on holiday time now, so that's so great. . gonna celebrate by sleeping in 2morrow!!!*i mean today!* this is an 'open-ended' type of week. . no plans other than 2 day trips to http://www.saintemarieamongthehurons.on.ca/english/ and http://www.rom.on.ca/index.php. We're taking Linds and the kiddies! mom too! I think even KK might want to come along to the ROM? So, those are 2 good things to do!! can't wait. might snap a few good pix! other than that we'll do whatever we want! KK's working all week. . poor girl!

anyway, that's all she wrote, for this moment in time anyway! must sleep. . .
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i'm a big cry baby!!!

you know, sometimes its exhausting being such a marshmallow. . I can get myself so wrung out just watching a movie or reading a story, or listening to somebody talk, hearing a touching song. . .. I don't know why it is. .but i get so 'into' that emotion that's kinda crackling in the air, visible on faces, heard in in the voices - i think its almost like i breathe it in, or swallow it somehow and it goes straight to my heart and gives me a lump in my throat and the inevitable tears begin. I guess I just hafta be who i am, which is a great big cry baby!! Why fight how i'm 'wired'?? Right?! heh heh. . Rob just shakes his head. . he gets me kleenex and pats me on the head, chuckles indulgently and says "You're such a softy."

We just watched Dear Frankie . . . a brilliant little Scottish film about 2 moms and their 9 year-old deaf son/grandson. They've moved a lot, mom is always trying to protect Frankie and herself from her abusive husband. Nana is trying to protect her daughter and her grandson. Mom, rather than break her son's heart by telling him that his dad was horrible and violent, she concocts this fantastic story of a petty officer dad sailing 'round the world, sending letters and rare stamps to his son. Frankie corresponds with his "Dad" That's all i'm gonna mention, cuz i don't want to give things away . You can find this gem of a movie at Blockbuster. Its definitely, definitely a 2 thumbs up, exquisitely made film.

So, we watched Dear Frankie and i'm bawling. . Rob's bringing me kleenex. I don't know about anyone else, but sometimes when i'm watching a movie, watching 'World Vision' commericals, or the Toronto Humane Society commericals, or Extreme Home Makeover on tv. . i'm doing what i do best, thinking to myself "I cannot stand this for another minute, its too much emotion to hold in." Its almost to the point that i want to not watch anymore so that i can have a breather!! But i blubber through and usually it lets up a bit so that i can bear it! If i was alone i would probably cry even more, but even though Rob's my best friend in the world, i still can't let go, cuz i feel silly being THAT much of a wuss! If i was by myself watching the sadness i would burst into sobs!! wah wah wah. . . i cry more than my little grandkids!!

anyway, i must get some shut eye. . . so, watch Dear Frankie!! and don't forget the kleenex! you can think of me when you start your own waterworks!

da vinci code and ragamuffins

wow.. i'm reading 2 very disparate books at the moment -- yep, i'm a 'book juggler'! the odd couple i'm juggling right now is making my mind do 'loop de loops'!!! and i'm even reading *gasp!* a fiction book!! (Da Vinci Code)

A few weeks back we went to see Batmin Begins. . xlnt movie by the way. . . and we saw a preview for 'DaVinci Code'. . . some big names, the biggest one i remember was Tom Hanks. . so that makes we wanna see the movie right off the bat. So, I become curious about this rampantly distributed, hugely successful book. I'm way late in the reading of it by the rest of society's standards. . and i'm not sure why? maybe it was because i'd heard murmurings that it was 'sacrilegious'. Well, i decided that i would get it. . so scooped up a copy on sale at Chapters.

Ragamuffin Gospel is being loaned to me by Sherri, thanx hon! I'm about 3/4 of the way through that one. . Brennan Manning the author. Very, very touching and refreshingly honest book about this rebel priest's thoughts and experiences in church and with how he feels toward God. He feels like a scruffy, urchiny ragamuffin next to the grace of God. . and you know, as i read his thoughts i really identify and i think i'll go out after i'm done with Sherri's copy and I will buy my own so that i can mark it up like i do with almost every book i own!!!

Back to Da Vinci. . . what a page turner! I just bought the juicy 250 chapter pot boiler and i'm already more than halfway through it in less than 2 days. . in fact, i'm gonna cut this short so i can go read some more! Some of theories put forth in this book, i'm not sure how fictional this book is, in other words i wonder where this comes from and i'm kind of intrigued and also kind of perplexed and wondering about 'what is truth'. . . It kinda goes into religious 'taboo' territory, but certainly doesn't alter my beliefs in the trinity, salvation, judgement, etc. . Its got me wondering, but not shaken or doubting. .

Anybody read this one? any comments? I'm not gonna give anything away here just in case you haven't read it. .

books rock. . i love them. . .

i'm headin' for the rec room!

live 8

hey, are you watching Live8 today? i've been watching off and on - we're taping the thing on 2 tapes!! been doin' chores in between bouts of watching the excitement. . made some chicken satay stir fry for dinner - with nice orange jasmine rice. . . yum. that was really good. The hot chili flakes i put in it gave a nice bite, not to mention the fresh ginger, onion and garlic. . Rob's not a fan of spicy food, but i sure am! so that was good. hey, once in a while i poke Rob with a stick to see if he's still alive. . i periodically ask him to come up from his basement television watching sessions. . I want to go for a walk - its so lovely out there. when events like this come on the tube its hard to peel him off his la-z-boy chair. . grrrr.

ho ho!!! what's this? he's just come up here on his own!!!!! knock me over with a feather!!!
and he's puttin' dishes away. . i may faint. KKs gone to New York state with her b/f Joely, his bro Ryan and 2 more sets of friend couples, to see Dave Matthews band. . her only little holiday this summer (working full time to sock away the moola for this fall's living expenses. . her first year off campus!!) I'm sure she's havin' loads of fun!!? Lindsay and the kids were over earlier, they were bringing the van back to us after borrowing it to go last night to see the Canada Day fireworks, which they didn't end up seeing cuz the kids were tired and cranky. The fair at the park was crappy, she was saying. . so they went to Sportsworld to the arcade. So, they didn't stay here long today, just long enough for James and Eri to jump on the mini tramp and have a drink of milk. . and get hugs and kisses from Nana and Opa!! We love to see them!!

so, i'm not terribly talkative. i have a bit of a headache. . blah. the new People mag is on the table here by the computer. The headlines declare : Engaged! HOW TOM PROPOSED. . her ring, his secret plan, Katie wants kids, details of a scientology wedding. . . oh my. the media is goin' nuts with this odd couple lately. I'm scratching my head over it. Speaking of Tom Cruise. . . saw War of the Worlds last night. Spielberg spared no expense obviously with the effects. It was a fairly decent movie, some suspense to be had. . i've seen better and i've seen worse. . acting was pretty good. .

well, have a great rest of the weekend folks, its a lovely one! later. . .

twizzlers and diet coke

you know, i was sitting at my computer working away the other afternoon and i was wanting a snack. . not much didn't wanna spoil my supper! So, i went downstairs and fished out some Pringles light (5 whole chips!) 4 strawberry twizzlers (licorice) and a can of diet coke with lime.

I sat at my desk working, eating my snack and i started to think of what i did with twizzlers when i was a kid. . . . i used them as a straw!!! guess what i did? yep! i put 1 in my can of diet coke and slurped away. . it took me right back to my childhood and all the goofy things i did with food and various other objects!

let's see. . where to begin. .

*ripple chips were eaten 1 ridge at a time.
*ice cream was stirred into ice cream soup (my sisters and i had tons of fun with this!)
*ju jubes and other chewy, gummy type candies were pounded flat before eating
*mashed potatoes were formed into pools for gravy, peas were thrown in.
*chewed gum was held tightly between the teeth and pulled as far away from the mouth as possible.
*shoestring licorice was tied into humungous knots before eating.
*kit kat chocolate bars were eaten in layers
*bags of potato chips were pounded in crumbs before eating, then the bag tipped to your mouth to pour in the crumbs.
*cadbury crunchie bars were licked clean of chocolate and the sponge toffee base eaten an inch at a time.
*orange segments were opened and individual juice sacs were burst between your thumb and index finger!
*'lola' flavoured ice triangles were sucked of all juice, leaving behind a block of white ice, which got chucked!
*a jawbreaker in the mouth was removed every few minutes to check which colour was visible.
*saltine crackers were sandwiched together with some butter, to see the butter ooze out of the tiny holes.
*all beverages were 'bubbled' with a straw!
*sugar cubes at church luncheons were eaten like candy
*pop fizz was listened to with fascination!

oh and it wasn't just food we played with. .

*my sisters held chemistry class on the bathroom counter. . everything and anything got mixed in a bowl just to see what would happen!
*i operated a pastry shop out of my wooden sandbox. . the bench-like seats were my cooling racks.
*dandelion stems were spliced together to make chains and necklaces.
*chestnuts were stripped of their outer husks to reveal the smooth brown nut beneath, depending on your gender they were either smashed with a hammer *boys* , thrown at your enemies *boys again!* or made into necklaces (girls) we'd take them home, get our dads to drill a hole through them and thread them on a shoelace.
*flower petals were removed 1 at a time while chanting "he loves me, he loves me not"
*Reciting the alphabet while twisting your apple stem (to find the initial of your boyfriend's name)
*blades of grass were made into palm whistles.
*bikes were placed upside down and the pedals wound really fast then let go. . .don't know why? just to watch things spin??
*golf balls were taken apart to see the rubber guts inside
*maple seed pods were spun like helicopters
*"puff balls" were puffed (a type of fungus that release spores in a cloud of dust when squeezed). If you found one of these on the school ground you were a celebrity!
*I put blobs of Elmers white glue on the palm of my hand, let the air dry it a bit, then rolled it into a ball and squashed it into a pliant white glue pancake.
*sewing needles were painlessly stuck through the most superficial layer of your fingertip skin, to the amazement of all!

Why do we lose this fun in our lives?!!! do you ever wonder? I was thinking about that as i ate my fun little snack.

Anyway, my lunch time is over, back to work. .
My diet coke has a twizzler straw sticking out of the can! heh heh!!! (i had so much fun with this that i decided to do it again today before the licorice sticks got eaten up).

yeah, the 'c-word' again. . . last time i promise.

my friend Sherri commented on my 'what's it all about' post. . i took her comment to heart and began to write this out, cuz i respect that she cared enough to want the 'ideal' to emerge when it comes to 'church'. I want that too.

I love the church - worshiping God by being in community with other people, accepting one another - all 'one anothers' not just select ones. I think that one of the things a 'church' is supposed to be is a learning place, we learn together how to get along with God and with each other. Community and acceptance is no mystery, or maybe it is? cuz it seems to elude some of us. Worship also seems to elude us, maybe we really don't understand it? *though we have no shortage of celebrities or heroes or people on pedestals who seem to do the trick for us*

I think it means holding someone in awe, praising them or being speechless, overwhelmed even at the thought of them. Its unflagging devotion and passion, being completely given over to, having all my thoughts centre on and all my time and energy used up on that singular focus. You know if i really think about it, the only one i worship like that is myself. . . So, have i ever worshiped God at all? or was 'me' always lurking behind the proper facade? what i could get out of it? have i had truly genuine relationships with others? *i think its hit and miss. . . i try, but sometimes i fail or maybe they fail, or we all do*

Its time for honesty. I think if every church member would grit their teeth and brace their hearts and fess up to this same predicament, we'd see that 'self' is this huge dragon in need of slaying. God knows it is. i behave like a member of some colossal dysfunctional family because that's what I am. We're all members, whether we are in the "family" currently or whether we have become estranged from it and found some place else to belong.

Once upon a time someone drew this great picture of church and its stuck in my mind. The 'church' should be like a bunch of white hot coals all heaped up and gathered together - their closeness maximizes their burning power. You take a piece of coal out of this pile and put it off to the side, it loses heat until it is cold. Take another out, and another. . cold, cold, cold. What happens if the whole bunch is cold?, not heaped or gathered, just all separated and inactive. . live coals get extinguished, cuz there is no nurturing of the spark, no flame - . that's not church. .that's death. I don't want to be that way. . . i long to be a member of a heaped up, live place. . i wanna be a hot coal but i'm afraid sometimes that this is only a dream. Its a dream that dominates all my thoughts and i actually cling to this strength of belief that there is a place like this somewhere. . .


You know, i think that people, churches can be fooled into thinking they're full of life - and maybe they are, but what kind? Captain Danielle Strickland of the Salvation Army once talked about the difference between the 2 kinds of life. . . 'bios' --Greek for physical, breathing, blinking, you have a pulse - you exist and "zoe" which means "Spirit" life. . . the invisible, deepest part of what makes you 'you' is contagiously ALIVE, way beyond existence to plenty --more than enough for you and plenty for others to soak up. Now we're talkin'. That's my kind of life and church.

Can God's people be this way? Can i be this way? Transcendently and purely attractive? Flowing over zoe life? There is this giver of life among us . . you've seen his work, so have i -- we're surrounded by it. He's a starkly and thunderously powerful being whose presence causes seismic shifts but he's got this great, bleeding heart of love for humanity. He holds the time/space continuum -- his voice activates atoms, protons, electrons. His fingertip touch sets off stellar winds and solar flares -- can i dare to approach his greatness with my knees knocking and my mouth like cotton? but this is not just God, He's my God - he planned my life before i was ever born. He did the same for you. He knows our condition. His mercy leaked all over the world when the broken body of Jesus bled for our calamity. He is our God. Can we dare to love him? I could kick myself for the years i wasted, my heart encased is concrete, my spirit lay shriveled and gasping within my self-absorbed soul. How little did i risk and do for him because i was frightened of uniting with his soul claiming, spirit igniting, body shaking presence? I wanted control, i cherished my foolish independence. I was sick but i thought that i was fine. I was afraid to know him, and afraid to encounter the raw, aching hearts and dying spirits all around me. How much easier to throw tokens at their misery, never touching it or taking it into my heart to feel it? Even worse i ignored them by pretending that the world was tiny, with a pleasing little orbit of my choosing, safe, predictable. But desperate times came and were followed by desperate prayers and much needed rescue. I don't know why i couldn't get it before, but there's something about hard times that softens the hardest heart and gives zoe life to near dead spirits. So, now how can i keep this great news within myself? I would never hesitate to tell everyone i know about a diet that works or a killer recipe or a bargain at "liquidation world". I should take out a full page ad in the paper!! His love is more fantastic than an 80% off sale. . its better than winning the lottery, its better than chocolate (i agree with Sarah McLachlan!) Even so, do i even know how to handle such love, much less contain it? I've maybe poked at this love, to examine it, even touched it with my fingertips and been content - maybe even thought that was all that i could ever ask for. Still there's always this part of me that holds back from embracing him. If i can only give out what i receive, no wonder God seems small and unreal in the eyes of the searching ones. Its time to receive more.

so this morning i was sitting out on my deck alone. . having 'church'. . ha ha! this is my way these days. . i don't know if its 'right' but I know that i have a lot more time to think these days not going through the Sunday motions all dead inside. I'll never go back to that. So yeah i'm on my deck. The trees are rustling in the wind. . i hear neighbours doing yard work, life is all around me, the yard is serenely beautiful - green vines climb the trellis behind me, the umbrella shades me from the sun and i'm reading my Bible like it was food and i was starving - taking in the book of Romans in the new testament. I was just talking in my head to God and i was staring at the roof line of my house. I noticed the connections to the nearby telephone pole. I saw the hydro lines running their course along the street and i noticed the connections of my house hooked up to this main line which supplied my home. I started to think about all the things i couldn't do without that connection. I thought of what life would be like without it and i didn't like that thought. Cut off, without power, cold in the winter, too hot in the summer, hungry cuz i'd have no way to keep food, no light to see, no way to get clean. . not connected to the network that supplies all the power i need to live. That was better than a million sermons. . i got it. that was cool.

Well, i've gotta stop . . my thoughts are always going 'runaway train' on me! but i'm still holding out hope for being part of a family again, a church one. . maybe i'll find some 'hot coals'?! maybe it will be nothing like what i thought. . i don't know. . . but i'll keep you posted.

longest day of the year!!!

June 21 is the summer solstice. . day of the year with the most sunlight!! i wonder how many weirdos may gather at Stonehenge today to re-enact the pagan dances and celebrations of the day?! First day of summer. . . ahhhh. . .

summer is so freeing. . the layers of clothing come off. . which itself is great, cuz you actually get to feel the air on your skin without it becoming numb!! You have to have worn a stupid winter coat for months in the frozen tundra to appreciate shedding it!!! Feeling a warm breeze, the marvel of wearing sandals or the gloriousness of lounging on the deck, looking at the sky without having your vision obscured by the mist of your own breath! Sure the sun fries unprotected skin in a matter of minutes. . . and the smog alerts are coming thick and fast. . yeah, we saturate ourselves in DEET mosquito repellent to avoid West Nile and of course the bugs attack us should we decide to dine al fresco. . . but its summer. . this is the price we pay for going around in our convertibles, swimming outdoors, firing up the barbie. Still wouldn't trade it, would we?

This summer i have many chores to do and i'm hoping that we will get some canoeing in?! i want to buy a sandbox for the grandkiddies and a swingset. . What i REALLY want is a gigantic trampoline!!!!! maybe i'm having a midlife crisis?? i want to be able to go outside on my break and jump like a kid on my very own trabampoline (Homer Simpson's hilarious!!!) anyone see the 'trabampoline' episode?!!! classic! My killjoy husband says "Where are we gonna put it when the summer's done?" oh, i don't know *I'm tempted to say 'Up your butt and around the corner." as he's sometimes fond of saying to me* but my response is "How about in between the shed and the fence?? no, sez Rob, its too big for there. D'oh!!! I hate when he's the serious one. . its such a reversal! So that's out. . . I'd also like a pool too! but 'realistic Robbie' is nixing this refreshing idea by citing the potential filter clogging potential of the nearby foliage and i don't give a crap about that. . cuz as Lindsay says "that's what they make those scoopy thingies for" excuse #2 from Rob is "it'll take up the entire back yard." no it won't!!! and all its used for now is for the dog to poo on.. and the grandkids to run around on (hopefully not in the poo). . *sigh!* excuse #3 is: 'its only operational for 3 months out of 12.' (okay he has a point there), but so?! can't those 3 months be spent in the pool? Excuse#4 " It'll cost a fortune to fill it and operate it." yeah, yeah. . . i hate this last excuse the most, cuz its the one that keeps the pool in the store and out of our yard. . oh well. . Robbie and his excuses win. We do have a pool, however -- its purple, 6 inches deep and has googly eyes and elephant ears. We bought it for James when he was little. . . he used to scream "NO, NO NO!!!!!" every time we tried to put him in the stupid thing. .*gee, I wonder why?!* who designs these things?? so "Ella" has never been used! It sits behind our canoe, gathering spider webs and catching grass clippings. . I think maybe its time for her debut? Hopefully Eri won't be spooked by a giant purple elephant face pool??

hmmm. . what will i do to commemorate the longest day of the year??? going to pick strawberries in the evening would be nice. . . but we bring home sooo many berries and then i have to find room in the fridge and the herculean task of sorting the mushies from the firms, washing the jam berries, then sterilizing all the rings, lids, jars for the jam and making the jam and pouring it and filling up the basement freezer with the jars, and then turning my attention to the others and making the pies and sorting the 'eating berries'. . . . .ohmigosh. . you gotta psych yourself up for that marathon!!! makes me tired just thinking of it. . maybe i should get to bed now, so that i can wake up on time to get up and at 'em, to make the most of the hopefully gorgeous day? Of course it will be beautiful, cuz its a work day and as our youngest daughter, KK is discovering as a full time worker. . . every flippin' work day is gorgeous, fantastic, beauteous, marvellous and where are we full time workers on these splendiferous days??? we're indoors working!!! BAAAAAHHH!! the weekends roll around, whaddya got? clouds, clouds, rain, overcast conditions, partly sunny to cloudy, drizzle and yes, more clouds!!! its like some cosmic joke and we ain't the ones laughing.

anyway. . have a great day!! do something commemorative. . . have a picnic supper or maybe bbq it, go mini golfing, go to DQ, throw the frisbee, play badminton, go for a sunset drive. . .

that's it for me. . i'm beat! 'night!!! (*I mean morning*) everyone!

and now for something completely different!

175 solid kilograms of Cadbury's delicious milk chocolate. . .
over 1000 hours in the forming. . .
Madame Tussaud's finest artists set aside their wax and went beserk!

yes! i'm talking about a chocolate statue of . . . . . .Sir Elton John! Its eerily realistic. . pretty much like Elton with a toasty tan! but perhaps a tad too glossy with the satiny sheen of carnuba wax covering his ample chocolateyness. http://www.eltonjohn.com/now/news/news.asp

What's next, chocolate Prince William? chocolate Donald Trump? In fact, why not get rid of the wax dummies and just go 'chocorama'?!!!

you know what's really odd? they took pictures of Elton's 'husband' posing with his partner's chocolate doppelganger. . oh boy.

so yeah, that's surreal but delicious! I love Cadbury's chocolate. Do you think they can trust the security? the general public? i would imagine that climate control is important for this particular work of art!

what's this world coming to? Elton's been immortalized in chocolate, he's writing show tunes and now he's doing Vegas?????!!!!!! what happened?????!!!!!! My friend, Ally http://www.supersimbo.blogspot.com was talking about Elton the other day. . so Elton seems to be in the news with the chocolate effigy and the Vegas gig, etc. Where's that prolific tunesmith? the hands that played Bennie and the Jets, Empty Garden, Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, the voice that sang "Someone Saved My Life Tonight", "Don't Let The Sun Go Down on Me", "Tiny Dancer". . . is singing the papish "Circle of Life". . . . oh Elton. . . . and now Vegas? I used to admire you so!!! I once bought a custom made E.J. sparkly t-shirt! I put your pictures on the side of my wardrobe!! I listened obsessively to Captain Fantastic!!! You WERE Captain Fantastic!! I read the album's comic book insert a million times! I read and read and re-read your lyrics. . . you were right up there with Chicago and The Bay City Rollers for me!!!

Elton, you've gone old, squidgy and all bland and toothless. . there's no more bite to your songs!!! I know you don't need the money. . but come on!!!! throw me a frickin bone here! why not kick it for old time's sake?! use your lucky pencil, stand on your head. . tell Bernie to get with it. . come on Sir Cadbury Chocolot -- you can do it!!!

what's it all about?

i kinda debated writing this, but the compulsion was strong, so here i am. If you've read a few of my blog entires, you know that i like to keep things on the light side, that i love to find the humour in life. This post, i'm not sure now what it will shape up to be, but i guess it will be me attempting to take a lifetime of familial and societal conditioning, pick it in up, turn it around and try to see if from all angles. I welcome you to share your own experiences, your thoughts, your critiques. The subject? CHURCH.

I hear voices *maybe its the blog etiquette fairies*? in my head saying "don't write a therapy blog", "don't get personal", "don't write a 'this is my day' blog" don't, don't don't. . . . so i'm rejecting those labels and turning a deaf ear to those voices and i will do, do, do what i like! here goes. . .

do you ever get to the point in your life where you start really thinking about things? about why you do the things you do? do you take a long, hard look at your motives? Have you ever felt like one of Pavlov's dogs? dingdingding!!! SLOBBER, DROOL. My focus is admittedly narrow here, its only 1 word - but its a word fraught with layers of meaning wrapped in layers of mystery - an enigma, a riddle. what IS it? where is it? who is it? and why??? We could totally play 'word association games' till the cows come home with this word. . let's have a go! church = boring, church = conformity, church = hymns, church = community, church = hypocrisy, church = social club, church = charity, church = building. . .

i grew up in church, me and my sisters were taken to church by our parents. In my early days church was : our mother drawing little stick figures on a notepad to 'keep us quiet' in church. . it was plastic containers filled with cheerios, shreddies etc. to keep us quiet, it was dressing up in uncomfortable clothes and sitting on hard pews and being made to keep quiet. I always felt that we had to leave our 'real selves' in the parking lot on Sunday mornings. Not just us kids, but grownups too. Sunday mornings in our house were chaotic! I hated them. Our parents were stressed, we kids didn't want to dress up or miss cartoons, there was yelling! there were tantrums a generally rotten mood pervaded the house. One Sunday morning i had my 'church clothes' on, i had my little Bible in hand, whose cover depicted a smiling Jesus and happy children and I made the mistake of saying to my mother : "I HATE GOING TO CHURCH!" what I really meant was "Why isn't our family like the cover of my Bible?" I hated that it wasn't. What she seemed to hear was: "I'm a chromosomally deficient axe murderer in the making" I got the biggest spanking - we went to church, but I could barely sit down for the throbbing sting. . ouch! You know what that taught me? Honesty will be punished. The notion that i wasn't acceptable seeped into my young soul and to this day i still feel that way, at least in regards to many of the authority figures in my life.

When i got older i went through my 'i don't give a crap' stage. . i know its tedious, how many stories of teenaged rebellion must there exist? As a member of my church i had done my stint of jumping through hoops, i was involved in the things that young church members were expected to be involved in. Sometimes I felt like a trained seal. But sometimes I had moments where the hoops faded into the background along the expectations and judgement and I had glimmers of THE 'who' and 'why' of church, Him. . . God. My mind was so young but sometimes i had these peeks behind the facade and I really, really believed that Jesus was so loving and good. I remember being at summer camp -- music camp-- when i was young. I was so glad to be away from the 'stuff' at home. Here i could have fun, SWIM, live in community with lots of other kids and eat dill pickle chips and coffee crisp bars every day! We had chapel meetings on Sundays at camp, and we learned about the Bible every day. . i have to say that i didn't fully appreciate this, i was too busy being immature! But on the Sunday the camp leader talked to us about God, about Jesus and the Holy Spirit. He was really good at speaking to kids. I was actually listening.. and suddenly i was aware of my own badness, hey it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that we are all fighting the 'dark side of the force'. . ha ha!! but for the first time I was helped to understand that God still loved me in spite of this. I didn't know what that felt like, i thought God was like my mother who only seemed to tolerate me when i fulfilled all their conditions or when the wind was blowing in a favourable direction. So you know, my heart was kinda bursting outta my chest, thinking about a love like that! I decided that i loved God, even though i couldn't see him and I wanted to belong to him. It was a rare moment, quite overwhelming and I think if i had not been there at the moment in time, I might never have known God and I might not have come through the ups and downs of my life with my faith worn, but intact. When the end of that week at camp arrived, back home i went. The drive home was hard. . my mother's 'dark mood' polluted my newly found heart. Maybe she didn't want me to come home, i reasoned. Finally we got home and her mood had not improved one iota, yelling and screaming at all of us, about what? i can't remember. . i was wishing that i could go back to camp to live and i had this picture of Jesus that I pushed in front of her face and screamed 'WHAT ABOUT JESUS?!!" Honestly, i draw a blank after that. I don't know what she said. I cannot remember. I was too young to understand the complexities of her mental pathology, other than it was horrible to live with and confused us girls and i'm sure it confounded our father. Jesus was my champion. I didn't know it, but I was seeing hypocrisy and even sickness in action and maybe because of that i was amazed at how my new feelings for someone I couldn't see or touch or for that matter fathom could help me through the quicksand of family life and in fact every part of my life.

I thought once thought that church was a building. I thought it was about being quiet and pretending that you're someone other than yourself, "Sunday smile", "Sunday clothes", "Sunday behaviour", it didn't jive with the rest of the week!! I thought it was about not going to a store on Sunday, not doing yard work on a Sunday, in fact we children were ordered to rest on our beds after lunch on Sundays. We could not go outdoors, we could not raise our voices. geez louise. . .Sunday "day of rest" to the 'nth' degree. Later i went through the stage when I thought it was a set of rules about clothing and 'deportment', it was about what not to do, not swearing, not drinking, not gambling, not going to movies, not dancing, not wearing jewelry or makeup ad nauseum. Some of these 'no nos' were good for me and I am even grateful for them, but others are preposterous, man-made rules. I thought church was about music, learning to play a brass instrument, singing, going to rehearsals, having musical programs with other church musicians. I guess when i think of all the things I thought church was. . i was thinking what i was told to think and there was no room for independent thought, thinking was to be done in the box and in the box only. IN THE BOX!!!!

There's probably lots more i could expand upon, but i think thats sufficient without belabouring. So, fast forward . . . today is Sunday and now, today this is what I think church is: people and God. that's 'the church'. . simple. its living together through everything, lending your "everything" to others - your hands, your heart, your mind, your money, your time, your compassion, your talents, your tears, your will and having them do that back to you; binding you all together is God. You all make this circle. Does it sound cheesy? I don't want it to. Its not about exclusivity, about creating a counter culture so far removed from reality that it cannot possibly lend anything to anyone but people like themselves. . . its not about rules, though life rules are necessary, but rules without love are like iron shackles -- why did Jesus have to die to free us, if we were meant to turn around and chain each other? are we saying that we know better than He does? oh, i'm getting long-posted, as usual. When i started to write this, i had no idea of what i was getting into!!! I was even gonna scrap it, cuz i think that I had definitely bitten off more than i could chew. . but i hope that it made some sort of sense.

Here are just a couple of examples about what I think church can be:
*giving some money to a dirty, legless, fingerless, stump handed man and getting a hug and a kiss on the cheek in return.
*going over to a neighbour's house and having a one on one talk.
* sponsoring a child
*having your heart broken by someone else's sorrow.
*doing a kind thing for no other reason than you want to.
*sitting still and talking to God

what do you think about church? good experiences? bad? indifferent?? how has it shaped you? hurt you? built you up? what is it to you?

dream, dream dream dream!!!

Yeah, the Everly Brothers write good songs. . and i can hear their dreamy little ditty circling around in my mind's ear now. .

my post is not of the romantic type though and more of the 'pipe dream' or 'day dream' variety. My conscious dreaming has morphed a lot over the years! When i was a girl i used to have these crazy fantasies that many if not all of my own perceived shortcomings could somehow miraculously disappear and i would suddenly be endowed with astounding abilities, eliciting 'oohs and aahs' from all those who normally would a) not even notice me or b) make fun of me or c) critizie me. . my dreams were always 'i'll show them'. . Its crazy. . . okay, i've always been a bit awkward -- i was a 'back row girl' in the class pictures every year (tall). I wore cat-eye glasses! (geek), i was 'bookish' (hopelessly kinetically challenged - with 2 exceptions: swimming and badminton) my mother cut my hair (i can't find a word for that!!! perhaps "traumatized"??) this woman had a nonexistent esthetic. So, yeah, I was taller than all other girls in my classes up until maybe grade 5? until the hormones kicked in i was often called a 'boy' by any and all substitute teachers, like i said - cat eye glasses, i wore home made clothes (and not good ones, folks -- I was at the mercy of the fabric sales at Woolworth's) i couldn't play any kind of sport to save my life - i would pull any and all tricks in the book to get out of gym class and i used words like "goody" and "gee". . . *oi* (In grade 4, Valerie Sitnik, God bless her cotton socks, told me that "Nobody says 'goody', so if you want to be cool you'd better stop saying it.") I owe her a debt i cannot pay. . . So, you see why i had this rich fantasy life???

I would often fantasize that i was little, petite, cute, all the boys liked those kind of girls. . I pictured having flouncy, blonde hair instead of home do 'pixie cuts' that made me look like some prepubescent Liza Minelli. . When i couldn't get out of gym class and they made me do gymnastics for instance. . my day dreams would take over. . so i had parents who never enrolled me in anything, no gymnastics, no team sports, no skating lessons - my 'lessons' consisted of my father pushing me across the bumpy outdoor rink on dull swap table specials. I always had a bike, which the older neighbourhood kids taught me to ride by taking me to the top of the street and pushing me! i only learned to swam cuz it was part of our school curriculum. You get the picture. So, gym class, there are mats on the floor, there are expectations. . . other girls are doing 'round offs' and tumbling moves - (the cute, little ones) my palms are sweaty because the teacher expects me to do what i've never been taught to do, and what my body was incapable of doing!! It was absolutely horrible. . i had no grace, i could not do the arm swoops and the deer-like leaping. . i was a bull in a friggin' china shop!!! it was utter humiliation. So, after receiving some good, sound heckling i went home and thought "Wouldn't it be great if i could show them?" I could see myself in my little dream bubble. . executing a floor routine that made the teacher applaud madly and made the cute ones stare respectfully and open-mouthedly. It was nice while it lasted. By the time i got to high school, track suited, clipboard carrying, whistle-blowing, middled aged women still expected me to do things with my body that i was not programmed to do. . only now i had the added humiliation of performing these distasteful tasks in a blue, puff-sleeved 'gym romper'!!! and the piece de resistance: white gymnastic booties!! Our high school was big - we had a couple of gyms - so we were made to change in the upstairs locker room, then run down stairs to the main floor gym. . Of course we then had to walk down a hallway. . and the whistles and screams made our cheeks burn and our psyches churn!! horror! I had daydreams of burning the romper, breaking my limbs, going to Siberia, you name it. I used the 'girl problems' excuse until my credibility lapsed. . hey, what can i say? i tried!

I was still tall, amazonian and no less awkward. I couldn't do a balance beam routine to save my life, though they forced me to. Uneven bars? those belonged in some medieval castle's dungeon as far as i was concerned. Floor routine? I still had nightmares over that!!! the ONLY thing i could do was vault and only in the most lumbering, rudimentary way imagineable. My gym marks were nothing to write home about. Eventually I experienced the elation of dropping gym from my course load. . Hallelujah! burn the yellow and green uniform, burn the gymnastic bloomer and booties! Now THAT was a dream come true!!!

my other day dreams were, of course, about boys. . . i grew up in an era where young girls' dreams were summed up in the school yard rhyme : "_________ and _____ sittin' in a tree k*i*s*s*i*n *g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes ________ with a baby carriage." So that was my dream. I day dreamed at school and I day dreamed at summer camp. . the dream was the same: 1. be noticed. 2. go steady -- i couldn't get much past that point, nor could i get past my old demons: "I'm ugly and my mother dresses me funny." How i wished that i could be like my lovely, bird-like camp friend, Julie Johnson. . Her clothes were perfect, she got to wear jeans (my home-made plaid bell-bottomed pants seemed positively elephantine next to Julie's straight leg "Lees") my big feet and broad shoulders stood out in stark contrast to her daintiness. She had soon snagged a guy and i, of course, did no such thing.. . they held hands, they went to canteen together. . i dreamed of someone being my camp boyfriend, someone to sit beside at camp fires, someone to hold my hand. d'oh. . sometimes its easy to lose hope, lose your dreams. . It took a few years, but guess what? I finally started to be noticed, one season i had to choose between 3 guys. . and i shamefacedly say that i juggled all three the same week!!! the next year i met this guy who turned my legs to jell-o and made my heart palpitate. . and i didn't have to dream any more, cuz this one was different and he thought i was lovely and delicate (his feet were bigger and his shoulders wider) he was TALLER!!! i didn't have to wear flats!! he noticed me and he wanted to 'go steady' with me. . and you know what? we just celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary last month!!! First came love, then came marriage, then came Kathy with a baby carriage!

I still day dream but its gone down hill, man!!! I have ceased to dream about back hand springs and being noticed by boys. I don't dream of burning my gym bloomers any more, i dream of burning my mortgage!!! now THAT'S a dream!

i love air conditioning

ahhhhhhhhhhhh. . . . . . cool air . . . . what a great thing it is.
grrrrr. . . living in Southern Ontario . . . . what a humid place!

well, i should prob just count my blessings, eh? cuz i'm sure there are many hotter, more humid places on this earth! right?! rainforests for one!

we're havin' a teeny bit of a 3H wave "hot, hazy and humid". . everything's wilting and baking in the brutal sun - which reminds me to go out and water my droopy flowers.

not feelin' especially chatty at the moment *are you relieved?!!* ha ha!!!

just wanna say that i love central air. Its an asthmatic, hayfever sufferer's best friend. the 3H days are indoor days for this girl! i hate the feeling of not being able to breathe well. I'll consider resurfacing next Wednesday when the weather dude says it'll be back in the low 20s temp-wise. till then. . windows are shut and air is on!

caffeine, cat fights and insomnia. . .

its 10 minutes to 2 in the a.m. i'm weary but my tossing and turning in that 'oven' that's passing for a bedroom. I'm no closer to lapsing into anything that resembles sleep. my 'el cheapo' husband refuses to put on the central air so soon in the season! oh come on, its the first week of June and today is wiltingly humid. . . though he hasn't checked filters, etc. on the unit, so gotta suffer 2nite anyway. otherwise i'd defiantly crank that baby up!!! Maybe the 3 cans of diet coke consumed around the supper hour have something to do with my current state? i consumed them before 8 p.m., which is my usual 'caffeine cut off time'. . or it might even have been the small slice of espresso/bittersweet chocolate cake that we had in honour of Rob's birthday! our windows are open and the little, tiny bugs smaller than the screen holes are buzzing around and biting me! to top it all off. . there's a wicked cat fight going on outside our bedroom window. . .

gahhhhhh!!!!

so i'm lying in the dark, flipping my pillow to the 'cool side'. . which soon becomes the 'warm side' and this could go on indefinitely! everything's clammy and icky. . but my mind is in high gear. . thinking a million and one thoughts - which often seems to be my biggest problem -- shutting down the brain!!! How is that done? I've never been good at that and have consequently battled insomnia since childhood!!! Back before 24 hour television, all that used to be on in the wee hours was teletyped weather information scrolling across an otherwise blank screen, or cameras focusing on barometers, clocks, etc. I used to sit in front of the TV and watch test pattern!. Can you GET any more desperate??! now all that's on is infomercials. . i don't even both checking any more. . i don't need what they're selling.. . though if they were selling sleep, i'd phone in for that.

Today is Rob's 44th b'day! I've been celebrating b'days with him since he was 16. . unbelievable and wonderful!! We had a family supper earlier this evening. . it was great, sticky fun. . though everyone was a bit irritated from the heat!!! Today we're both off work - a nice b'day for Robbie. . i'll probably be sleeping all day!!! ha ha. . nah. . its only 2:15 now, i've stayed up that late many a time, then got up at 7:45, to start work, which for me is about as early as it gets. People who wake at 5 or 6 a.m. part of me is awed by their ability and part of me says "is there a 5 a.m.? what does a sunrise look like?" i wake up every day and the sun's up there already. . the world's been going full tilt and i'm perpetually tardy! oh well. . . God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change. .

well, i'm goin' crazy here with these miniscule pests. . they're attracted to light of the computer screen. i've probably smushed a good 20 of them into oblivion. summer's over rated, man! YUCK!! anyway, i think i'll give the pillow wrestling another go. . the cats have either killed themselves or called it a draw. .all's quiet on the western front and i'm yawning, that's a good sign, right? now if i can just de-active my brain!
wish me luck!!!

hey ya!!!

Saturday is a grrrreat day of the week! They're actually fabulous, Saturdays are, cuz they are THE day that allows me to lollygag if i want to, or multi-task if i want to do that! Today was half and half!! Sleeping in is part of the lollygaggin', natch!! ahhhh, sleeping in. . though when one stays up till 2 a.m., sleeping till 9:30, 9:45 is hardly sleeping in really, right?! ha!

cleaning is always something that needs to be done. i have this love/hate thing going on --i love it when things are clean, but i don't like to DO the cleaning! I actually did lots and lots today -- laundry, folding of the laundry, cleaning windows, cleaning the fridge, doing the weekly 'throw out' of any icky things that may be lurking in the back of the fridge. . . blech! though i try to use the food up before it turns icky. ohmigosh!!! you won't believe what i'm hearing now through the screened sliding door here. . . somebody's singing 'opera'! actually, i think its a kid just goofin', but it sounded amazingly like some sort of diva doing her warm-ups!!! heh heh. . . hilarious! So, i worked out today, had visits from our oldest dau, Linds, and our beloved little grandkiddies, Jimmy and Eri!! I LOVE them to pieces. . James was hugging his Opa today and he suddenly announced : "I love everyone in the world, except aliens." we laughed our heads off!!!! That's not the first time he said that, Lindsay says. You know what? i hate that kids lose that sweetness as they age. . it happens i know, but i wish it didn't have to! especially boys. . it seems to be a 'rule' that boys must suppress that sweetness and be all rough and ready so that they don't get teased and made fun of. blah! I hug this boy every chance i get, cuz pretty soon he won't want me to!!!

When the kiddies first arrived here, we hung out downstairs and Jimmy jumped on my little mini trampoline and watched "Mighty Machines"! we had fun. . Eri came along and so i popped a Disney "Under The Sea" sing-a-long in the VCR and James decided that he didn't want to watch that 'stuff' but you know, he became quite interested, though he hates it if you try to sing along. awww, that makes me sad. . he used to love it when anybody sang to him. Eri has the attention span of a gnat, so she was getting more thrills turning the dehumidifier dial . . on/off/on/off/on/off. . Then she toddled in to the 'music area'. . where our band is set up for practice, so that's an 'adult accompaniment' area for sure!

I was entertaining Eri at the drum kit, when i heard the opening strains of the Peter Pan song, "Never Smile At A Crocodile" , James bolted up the stairs screeching "I'm sooo out of here!" He is HILARIOUS. Next thing you know, who's sitting on the top step, peeking down at the TV?! You guessed it. . i guess his fascination overcame his fear?!

So the kiddies had some lunch while they were here, i was still in my Donald Duck night shirt and house coat. . what a SLOB! i don't care!!!! Its Saturday!!! After Lindsay and the kids walked home Rob went to get the groceries and i did more chores. . then worked out. I helped Rob put the food away when he got back, then i threw the cake together and got that in the oven. . when who should appear at the door but Glenn and Jonah!!! they were biking by and stopped for a little visit with me and KK. . . Rob was out scouring the grocery stores for some bittersweet chocolate and raisins (the 2 stupid things they didn't have in the store when he went for groceries earlier). We had lotsa fun with 1 year-old today, Jonah!!! He's very good natured and of course adorable! Its great to see Glenn and Sherri as parents!!

So, yeah, we wanted to go see our sister and brother-in-law's new house, but its 7:30 p.m. and Rob's re-stringing his guitar, packing up our gear for our band's first gig in 9 months!!!!! (tomorrow afternoon!) which has turned out to be such a neat opportunity - we feel that God had a hand in bringing this about at a time when we sorely needed direction and it seems this is a little baby-step towards some kind of 'something' for us as a band?!

We watched "Revenge of the Sith" last night. . with KK and Joel, the last instalment of the prequel triology, which leads right back to episode 1 of the original triology! (which we have rented to 2nite!) Why did George Lucas do things backwards like this? not sure. . but it doesn't really matter cuz this made him a gazillionaire!!! Do you think that he was a nerdy kid?
i imagine him doodling when the teacher was talking, drawing pictures of 9 foot tall hairy 'wookies'. . and blob-like Jabba the Hut, C3po and r2d2 -- what a fertile imagination!!! nerds are brilliant.. .

So, its been a great day. Didn't get everything done that i wanted to but i'm not gonna let it concern me, cuz its Saturday!!!!! I hope you had great day too!!

and you think your job is bad?!!!

"Groom of the Stool". . . now there's a job for a Tudor gentleman -- wiping King Henry VIII's buttocks after he's done a #2. . HA HA HA. . . I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS WAS AN ACTUAL JOB!!! Yes, it really was! Tudor royalty was considered to be fleshly divinity - therefore not the least bit inclined to attend to mundane matters of personal hygiene. They wouldn't want those regal hands to become soiled, so they appointed someone to wipe up after they did their 'business', or administer enemas to take over where their steady diet of fatty meat left off.
Imagine the 'privilege' of navigating the rolls of the coruplent, kingly, 52 inch waisted girth? Work fit for for an aristocrat! Man, diapering a baby is gross enough and their bums are teeny and cute. **shudder**

Take this link into the disgusting anals of centuries' worth of England's worst jobs. . .http://www.channel4.com/history/microsites/W/worstjobs/index.html

ponder the fate of the tanner, the 'mudlark', the actor (yes actors were considered to be the lowest of the low), the workhouse prisoner, the bone grubber, the 'powder monkey', the rat catcher, the professional 'nit picker' and the violin string maker (sheep's intestines did not get shipped to the factory, the string maker 'harvested' and cleaned his own -- baaaaaad stuff!) The most bizarre one i think was that of 'professional hermit'! Wealthy Victorian mansion dwellers would employ a 'hermit' to live in a cave on their property. They were not to speak to anyone, not even to the servants who brought them food. . they were not permitted to bathe, groom themselves in any way, speak, interact with anyone and were not paid until 7 years' time had expired, at which point if they had not gone completely bonkers - they would receive a lump sum payment of 50 pounds for each year of hermitage!! The hermits would be required to 'perform' for company at their 'employer's' whim. . one such employer required his hermit to hold up a human skull and stare at it. .

Rob and I have been watching this History Channel series and it is positively enthralling. . I'm very thankful that we do not have 'smellivision'. . as the host's descriptions and reactions are so vivid that I am even beyond gratitude to downright relief.

You know what? I suddenly love my job!!!

bits and pieces

I like to collect phrases and good words! I stockpile these little treasures the way some people stock up on grocery store specials for toothpaste or canned soup. Wherever i go i have something to write with and something to write on!!! I also cut out inspiring articles - things that make me say 'wow' out loud! things that make me want to do similarly cool things. . . I like images -- if i see a print ad in a magazine with an interesting juxtaposition of word and visual image, i have to cut it out! I keep one such cut out on the front of my fridge. . its a picture of a couch with the words GET UP! emblazoned across the cushions. One of the most memorable ones i ever saw was a photo image of a butterfly shackled to an iron block. . .i think at times we've all felt like that! I know I have! I cut out this challenging one a while back. . . a coffee mug with the following wording: #1 Hypocrite woah. . . I cut it out to remind me that i have to be careful. There are so many resources out there. . so many messages that are being put out for us to read and heed. There's an overpass herein town on which the following grattifi message screams at passersby: You are NOT a machine! . . I wonder who wrote that and why? I appreciated the sentiment for sure. I read billboards when I drive or travel. . Rob and I saw one on our way to Ottawa. . . it said this: "The Traditions of Yesterday, the Trends of Tomorrow".. right away i thought of the Salvation Army. . and that thought that was a great thing for that organization to aspire to. Not cutting off its past, but not living in it either. . . banquet for thought. . .

I even save cool fortune cookie sayings, like this one: CHANGE IS THE WATCHWORD OF PROGRESSION. I love that. . . it fires my spirit when i read things like that. these bits and pieces are continually jumping out at me. . and i continue to collect them. . Life is cool. . dig in. don't miss the messages out there. . they're everywhere.

daughter's orders!

"Mom, you'd better write a new blog entry!" came the order from my oldest daughter today. Being the good mom, I obeyed! LOL~ wow, role reversal or what??!!!

I don't have anything that's pressing, just lots of little thoughts. One thing I was thinking about the other day was smells. House smells in particular - every house has one. Its only when i go away from my house for a while and then come in the door, that i smell our 'house smell'. . .its a bit of a 'basementy' smell that i actually like, as weird as that may sound. I couldn't describe it to you, but I notice the smell of every house that I enter! Its like the smell of living. . . all kinds of things combine to make each house smell unique. . the different cleaning products used, air fresheners, dampness level, carpeting, old cooking smells, candles, wood, the cologne/aftershave of the occupants, pets . . . My grandparents house - i love that smell -- again, I can't put it in words. Now its been sold for someone else to notice, but I will always remember it.

I love all kinds of smells. . i think that smell is one of the great pleasures in life! good ones, that is!!! I love the smell of paint and turpentine, stain, etc. . my parents used to use this product called "sweeping compound". I don't even know if they sell that stuff any more, but its a dense, granular substance that you shake onto your sweepable surface and when you sweep it weighs down the dust, so that less dust goes into the air and more gets swept up. It has this evergreeny smell. . i go right back to childhood if i smell anything remotely like it. Closest thing is the 'evergreen' car air fresheners. Another cool smell is the black walnut tree at the front of our house. Some weed and feed smells very similar to black walnuts. . peppery, citrusy, very pungent.

The cooking and baking smells are too numerous to mention!!! ahhhh. . one i do want to mention is this savoury smell, i don't know - almost like a goulash-type smell when i'm outside walking and i smell the cooking coming from other people's kitchen vents. . . believe it or not, i have smelled the same type of smells in both cities i've lived in. . and in several neighbourhoods. . I don't know exactly what all these people are cooking, but it smells GREAT! flowers . . . lilacs, lily of the valley, roses, honeysuckle. . a walk through the neighbourhood is a great olfactory celebration for me! My poor Rob, he can't smell a thing. . . he's had chronic nasal polyps and allergies, so he no longer smells. I have to describe smells to him. I feel bad -I have such a strong sense of smell. If i could i would make up for what he lacks!

I love wood smells. . . cedar. . ahhh. sawdust smells great. . i love the smell of earth, i love the 'rain smell' that you get in the spring and summer. . i love the smell of rivers, lakes, the ocean!!! i love soaps , i love the smell of a good camp fire, a fire place, i've always loved the smell of lit sparklers!!! they always smelled like burnt marshmallows to me. I love the smell of leather, of puppies, magic markers, herbs, gasoline, clean baby smell is the best! Rob used to like the smell of my skin if we'd been outside walking for a long time (back when he could smell). . He'd always sniff my neck and say "i love that!"

Good smells have this effect on my mood, and my memory. They make me happy. . they cause me to remember so many events and good times. . I love doing the laundry because i love the smell of the soap and softener!

I can still remember in my mind the smell of the glue we used in kindergarten! the teacher used to put the goopy stuff in little, disposable tart tins. . some of us goofballs used to eat it!!! (yes, i was one of them!) She used to mix this powder with water and pour it in the tins. We all watched her with great interest. . i think because we wanted a snack!!! GAH!! I remember the smell of the pale blue, custard-like laundry starch that she used to mix with the powered paint to make our finger paint! wow that was a great smell! and it was so squishy and cold to the touch. . i just go right back there when i think of these smells!

well, i don't know if i want a nap now, or whether i want to do some reading. . .i think the latter. We had a great lunch today, me, KK, Joely, Linds, Jimmy Jo and Eri. . home made turkey lasagna (which Linds calls "heaven on a plate") raw veggies, bread and butter and banana/cinnamon chocolate chip cake for dessert! man, that's good stuff! I made the cake for 2 reasons - 1. I had some over ripe bananas. 2. I lost a bet!!! KK bet me that her grandma would again mention that she likes to wind her purse strap around the shopping cart handle so as to deter would be purse snatchers! If mom said this, i had to make the cake, if she didn't KK had to make the cake! So, yes, not only did mom mention this once, but TWICE! and so i told KK "woah, i'm not making 2 cakes" But guess what? I did! (the recipe makes so much batter that i had to use 2 pans!!!) We giggled and mom had no idea what we were giggling about, nor was she even suspicious! So, yeah, that was hilarious! and now we have cake! The house still smells like lasagna and cinnamon! weird combination, but very yummy!

So, as Nelson (from the Simpsons) would say "Smell ya later!"

get into the groove. .

bah. . post holiday back to work time is YUCK time! I'm still adjusting to 'the numbness' (that's what Rob calls working for a living). He's right. You get off the hamster wheel for even the briefest moment and you start to feel ALIVE. . then back into the cage you go!!!! *wilt* I'm kinda tired too, over time's on this week but I'm not doing any. . i'm not sufficiently numb enough to endure that. Can't wait to get my holiday films developed -- haven't had time yet. Our van's rad decided to blow whilst we were away. . . (we took the car on our trip -- good call there!!!) Rob's had 2 frustrating days so far trying to obtain the proper rad for our van. He got the one for our make and model. . . when he gets it in there, the hook up at the bottom was on the wrong side!!! He was MAD!!! He was assured that he had been given the correct rad. He drove all the way to Canadian Tire to get another one - they didn't have one! They referred him to another place - they didn't have it!!! Now our poor radless van still sits in our driveway. . and Rob's really ticked and we're feeling the pinch with only 1 vehicle - cuz we have 4 drivers wanting to drive - often at the same time! oh well -- this stuff is really nothing in the big scheme of things, eh?

I'm goin' to my sister's kitchen party 2morrow night. . Pampered Chef -- that sounds so decadent! They have good products and some of them are pretty reasonably priced, so even a frugal gourmet wannabe like me can afford something!

I'm gonna head to bed to spend some time in prayer and do some journaling. I need to get my spiritual disciplines on track (meditation on scripture, reading and memorizing scripture, journaling, prayer, listening, solitude, etc) God is very patient with me, but I have got to get back into the groove here with him. I owe him so much and I give him so little of my time. It's not right. I'm always aware of him, he's everywhere i go, but am i with him? i think that i'll forever be like a little child, easily distracted, ignorant, self-centered, needy. Children must grow up, even spiritual ones. I did some growing up when we were away, i had some unwitting teachers who taught me to let my heart be broken by others' need and to let that heartbreak move me to action. It wasn't the first time i've learned that lesson - just one more chapter, to grow on. I suspect there will be many more.

Anyway, i'm gonna close for now. . . but i'll leave you with a little joke!

Q Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen juice?
A It said 'concentrate'

The Brain Spells!

well, i'm back from a much-needed holiday and will do some posting and maybe get some pictures up here!!! I'm not feeling too bloggy today, but found this interesting little article in the Globe and Mail newspaper.. .thought i'd share it with you cuz its absolutely FASCINATING!

The Brain Spells

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulacity uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. Aoccdrnig to rsceearh taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

**i'm not sure about the accuracy of the name "typoglycemia". . doesn't sound legit to me! "glycemia" means "the presence of glucose". . its a medical term. I would think this amazing condition would be called something like typoglossia. . i don't know? ('glossa' means tongue) maybe as it pertains to language, etc. Regardless of what its called. . . its STILL fascinating!!!!***

sponge bob and sponge cake

hee hee!!! Lindsay's post http://www.valkyriegrl.blogspot.com on cooking was hilarious! check it out. . not to mention her "I H8 The Music Industry" which i thought was brilliant. . .

So, today was a spongey day all around for me. . I watched "Sponge bob" with Rob and Lindsay and our grandkids - HILARIOUS! Then Rob and I went out to get ingredients to make a couple of cakes for my office fundraiser for our buddy, Alvin, who's going to medical school in Grenada. I decided to make my "Ultimate Chocolate Cake" and my "Lemon Mousse Cake". . if i get pictures taken of these b4 i take them in, i'll post them. . i worked hard on them and they are to die for!!!

The 'sponge' part of the cake comes with the 'genoise sponge cake' which was the base for the lemon mousse cake - which i must say is a finicky, multi-step, fussy, fussy thing - i had to make the sponge cake, lemon syrup, lemon mousse - and its all very laborious but challengingly fun! Last time i made this dessert, i used a cake pan that was too wide in diameter, so the cake was too thin! bah. . . AND I discovered that my recipe book made a BOO BOO! It told me to add melted butter and lemon juice and a couple of other ingredients to eggs and sugar that had been whipping for 15 minutes!!! Thing the book didn't tell you was to 'temper' the melted butter with some of the whipped eggs and sugar before you added it. . Last time i just did what it told me, dumped the works into the frothy almost-filled-up-the-mixer-bowl eggs! At which point the foamy, voluminous eggies went THUD! splat!!! FLAT! EEK!!!! It was a nice-tasting disaster! right, Linds? but this time, i was doing cartwheels in my kitchen cuz the genoise was GORGEOUS!!!! light and beautiful. . oh wow. . i couldn't believe that i did it!!! I made a difficult to master (so Baking911 website tells me) genoise sponge!!!

The chocolate cake turned out well, but the icing !!! GAH! talk about frustration!!!! I'm not used to encountering that whilst baking anyway - but hey, stuff happens! I used 3/4 of a bar of french bittersweet chocolate in this batch that i had to throw in the garbage cuz for some unknown reason the chocolate 'split' , it seized up and the icing could not be made homogenous, it was unsavable. . i had a funeral for it before it went into the trash. *sniff* Rob was kind enough to go to the local grocery store to get more icing sugar. . and i used another recipe which was bizarre. . and did not turn out at first. . it was runny and i despised the sickly sweetness of it. . so i 'doctored' it, dumped the cocoa in there. . and you know, i wasn't happy, but Rob and I both tasted it a few times and i was so tired and it was good, very fudgey. . so onto the cake it went. a VERY cool thing i taught myself was how to make "caraque". . which is long, pointed cylinders of chocolate. . like curls, only more spikey in appearance and very elegant! you spread your melted chocolate on the back side of your cookie sheet, or onto a marble board, spread it flat with an offset spatula - pop it in the freezer, then take a long-bladed sturdy knife and drawing the knife from the upper left corner of the pan (which you brace against your middle) you draw the knife at a 25 degree angle scraping the knife across the chocolate until it curls into this long, elegant, tubular curl of chocolate. Lift it with a toothpick and place these beauties in the middle of your frosted cake! took me a few tries. . but once i got onto it i was like a 'caraque-making' machine!!!

so, yeah, sponges and chocolate -- what a tiring but fantastically kitchen-educational day!!!

this is great

i love having time off. . . wow its so great. Is this how retirement feels??! i guess maybe at first, when one's in the 'honeymoon phase' of retirement, then i'm sure things settle and perhaps a person might miss the thing they never thought they'd miss in a million years --- structure.

right now I'm enjoying this feeling of 'oh, i'm not obligated to do anything, be anywhere, do the 'routine' or feel stress of any sort.' its wonderful. we did get groceries with mom today, that's a routine - but that's it now. She gave us a little somethin-somethin for our holiday!!! her generosity is so much appreciated. We have our accommodations reserved for our little upcoming trip!!! we're as happy as pigs in dirt! We are not answering the phone unless we feel like it. . we went shopping today cuz it was a crappy, rain-soaked day and we felt like shopping, looked through the local warehouse club store. . got some cool stuff - hanging plant baskets for the backyard, and got 2 colours of foliage that i've long admired for our deck planters. . . chartreuse and blackish purple!!! they really POP together! speaking of plants. . i bought some potted herbs today for my kitchen and Rob threw together a slat-type platform for them to rest on. . dill, thyme and rosemary. . the basil looked sick, so i subbed the dill -- such glorious flavours these plants give. . i am so into herbs lately.

bought some egg bread, so that i could make a great french toast tomorrow a.m. . if you haven't tried french toast made with egg bread - TRY IT!!! when you make your 'custard' for the french toast, put a splash of vanilla in there, some grated orange rind, maybe some light cream instead of milk with your eggs, pinch of salt. . magic!!

bought some nice asiago and mozarella. . think i'll make the herb/breadcrumb/bacon- topped 3 cheese mac and cheese. . it is so fabulous, it should be illegal. (i have some grana padano cheese in the fridge to make up the third) NICE CHEESE!

i keep thinking of doing a couple of things. . . 1. Opening a cool little bistro/bake shop?? It makes me so happy to cook and bake. . i mean it - i enjoy it soooo much. I love to make the food taste great, but i'm really getting into making it LOOK great too!! Its very fun. 2. Doing more serious writing. I just discovered a 2 year-old story that i had written in one of my many journals - i took the rough copy and fleshed it out. . it was very satisfying and I realized that i LOVE to do that. . I've always loved it. Why am i not making more of an effort to go in the direction of something i love rather than slogging it out with something that bores me to tears? (but pays the bills. . . ) oh the risk.. . . i hesitate - i have a daughter in university.

Hey! I learned how to use my camera's macro setting. . i feel like i've discovered some buried treasure!!!

well, this may seem rather disjointed. . but my thoughts are all over the place and i think its time to put my brain to bed!!!

I hope you're having a great weekend, wherever you are?!

later 'gators!

late

its 12:15 a.m. . . .i'm headin' to bed. . I've been working overtime for the past 2 weeks and i'm so fried. i have one more 8-hour shift tomorrow, which will fly by compared to the 10 and 11 hours per day i've been working! I am so sick of sickness. . .illness. . disease - i hear all about it for 37.5 hours per week every week! I swear that i could diagnose just about anything! my mind is always clicking that way. . .ppl talk about having this or that. . right away i diagnose it. . (i don't say it mind you, i just think it) i've got medicine on the brain, or in the brain?! i was saying to KK tonight. . . "This is so tedious and boring. I document everything and do nothing." Its weird, detached - yet so involved at the same time. .

Anyway, from May 13 - May 24 I will NOT think of symptoms or differential diagnoses, i will not think of drug dosages or calculated aortic valve areas - i won't consult my "work bible" (my well worn terminology text) i won't even turn my work computer on!!! it will gather dust for a change. . ahhhh. . . i literally cannot wait to have a complete mind, body and spirit vacation!!!! i've forgotten what that feels like. Rob can have a break from the constant call backs, over time, staying late, emergency repairs. I was saying to Rob a while back, when we first talked about getting away. . "You know i want us to go away. . . we need to not be responsible for anything or anyone. " He said "You're right, we have to." So, God willing and weather permitting, we are headed to Ottawa and we're getting so excited about it!! They just opened a new Canadian War Museum -- of course we'll check that out. Also check out the aircraft museum, natch! we both love planes! Maybe do a tour down the canal. . of course go to Parliament Hill. . shop, go to some restaurants OTHER than Swiss Chalet!! maybe hit an out door market. . . see the tulips!

anyway, for the first part of our holiday (before we head to Ottawa) we will hang out, do some day outings, whatever we feel like. . . maybe even go canoeing!!! (though the water is a tad cold still) go for brunch maybe on Sunday. . sleep in. .

well, Rob's still at work -- he's as beat as i am. . . he worked an 8 hour shift today, then doubled back and is into his 6th overtime hour as i'm typing this. . that's tiring. . poor guy. .

well, night! (or should i say 'morning'!) its always morning when i head to bed. . is there any cure for nighthawks? i don't think so -- once one, always one!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Hey to everyone out there!! To all of you mothers, and grandmas and 'motherly' women. . . HAPPY DAY TO YOU!!! Its been gorgeous. Spring is such a lovely time have Mother's Day, it reminds us all so much of life. . and that's what mother's give us. Since we need fathers to have mothers, here's a little family thought for today: "So, father's be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers and turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters too." John Mayer wrote an awesome song there - a prophetic warning, a command. What a responsibility we have - to teach the younger ones how to be good and loving. . aaand i'd rather listen to John Mayer over some boring preacher any day of the week!!! better yet, I'd like to hear a preacher give quotes like that. Some parents do a good job at heeding this command, others don't. . thus the need for Prozac and counseling. .

Some mothers shower their children with praise, affection, affirmation and some withhold those things and give the exact opposite. .
Some mothers have lost their children and live in the shadow of that loss forever. .
Some mothers have aged and have become non compos mentis - what a bittersweet day this is for their children.
Some mothers are doing the work of 2 parents by themselves.
Some are far from their children and miss them terribly.
Some mothers struggle with illness.
Some mothers drive away their children and others draw theirs.
Some women want to be mothers, but can't be.
Some have the 'mothering instict' and have no children.
Some have children but have no 'mothering instint'.

"Mother's Day" can be so many different things to different people. . if we're sensitive to each other i think we can help those who have a rough time on such a day, and rejoice with others who are full of joy. .

So, i wish for you all reading this a beautiful day, no matter which of these or other unmentioned scenarios best describes you. I hope that you have given and received kisses and hugs and kind words and smiled with your eyes.

most beautiful people

okay. . . i'll keep it short and sweet - cuz i'm tired, but i had to say something about this 'beauty' issue.

People magazine - as most of you know- comes out with its yearly "50 Most Beautiful People" issue (don't forget the "Sexiest Man Alive" and "Sexiest Woman Alive" issues too!! geesh. . .)

So, I just read through it and from the beaming, gleaming Julia Roberts on the cover to the model on the back cover it was chock full of perfection -- zoom-whitened teeth, bright eyes with no trace of blood shotedness or wrinkles, fab abs, toned glutes, poppin' pecs, lush lips, overflowing bras, impossibly shiny, almost alien hair, cellulite-free appendages -- the following words were used in abundance: "hot", "super sexy", "radiant", "goddess", "gorgeous", "sex symbol", "hot guys", "super hot couple". By the time I had finished "reading" all this superficial fluff (i don't buy this mag - my husband does - but i must confess to reading it) i felt:
a. too chunky b. imperfect c. mad that this mag contained nothing else but 'best body part polls' and 'beauty time lines' d. hopelessly unattractive e. sad that every advertisement page had models even more beautiful than the beauteous celebrities, promoting everything from french undies to vodka to chanel no 5 cologne.

A cover to cover homage to beauty - artificial or good genes - its all celebrated and advertised and talked about and chart and graphed and compared and polled - yeah, that's just the thing for this woman's self esteem!!! no wonder most women feel like crap. . . real people don't look that way! they have frizzy hair! they have breakouts, their collar bone 'hollows' can't act as extra storage space for small objects, say a roll of breath mints or car keys. . . real people - they have laugh lines - for God's sake, even the people who are depicted in 'coenzyme Q10' commercials don't even have friggin' wrinkles!!! WHAT'S UP WITH THAT???!!! real pregnant and non pregnant women sometimes gain too much weight, real men might have too much body hair! and their muscles might be more 'subtle' but they're still there! real people sometimes eat too much and exercise too little, they don't use $100 a bottle moisturizer, their hair might not always look great, sometimes they wear the wrong colour or the wrong style. . they talk about more than their exercise routines, they think about more than food combining and portioning-- they do more than look in the mirror. . ahhhh. . . real people -- well at least real people are allowed to look bad! we don't have paparazzi and thank God for it.

". . people are like the grass that dies away. Their beauty fades as quickly as the beauty of flowers in a field. The grass withers and the flowers fade beneath the breath of the Lord. .. and so it is with people . . .but the word of our God stands forever." Isaiah 40:6 Now there's the reality check. . . hmmmm

Anyway. . . i could say more but you know what i mean, eh? i'm sure you have your thoughts on this subject!

Do you know what i did with that magazine when i finished perusing it? I placed it on the rec room coffee table, saw Julia impossibly flawless Roberts staring back at me through smoky eyes . .i took the nearby TV remote and put it over her face and went upstairs. childish? you bet! . . .but i felt better.

oh boy. . .

this won't be a humorous anything today, it won't be anything much except for a chance for me to pretend like no one's reading this (cuz almost nobody does anyway) and just use it for myself and no one else, to say that this has been a tough day for yucky reasons that are very painful and bring up so much horrible stuff from my past that will just not stop haunting and vexing me. it makes me furious and rageful and so shaking from the news i received today from my youngest sister, who bless her heart is going to share something with me, to partially make up for this situation. . I had a bit of a meltdown earlier, but became so short of breath and scared with all the things that were coming up that I actually had to speak to my memories and forbid them to surface. . if i let one up, it brings another and before i know it i'm outnumbered and overwhelmed and they won't go neatly back into the basement, they want to stretch and air themselves and usually i can do pretty well keeping them under lock and key. . and i'm the keymaster. . or am i?? i don't know - maybe that's all a control illusion? I think I need to see someone about this. . cuz it scares me when something triggers and awakens those dark things and they fight to overpower me. i prayed to God, okay kinda just kept saying "Help". . wasn't really praying so much as pleading. . .i asked my close friends at work to pray for me right then - i knew i was in trouble. . . and they wrote back and said that they were. . (they know my story) and then Rob called and i lost it. . . and he knows all too well why. . and he couldn't come home and i had to work, cuz we're so backlogged. I didn't know how i would be able to focus on work. . but you know, the prayers helped and Rob's voice did, and i took a note book and i wrote a bit, then i worked, then wrote, worked, and by the end of my shift, 9 pages of my guts were spilled out on the blue lines and i was so agitated at the time i wrote it all down, i can barely decipher my writing. . I don't know if i will send the letter -- oh i can't make sense of my life sometimes. . i wonder why did i have to go through these things? and why am i still being put through the wringer? At least with this latest crap development in this long time crap situation, i can take the focus off the OTHER crap in my life and not think about it as much -- why is it that speaking out against injustice always comes back to bite me on the ass? why do people who are supposed to love me and care about me -- why do they treat me so badly? was i born with a huge 'bull's eye' on my head, and a sign reading "Mess with this." or on my back with a sign that says "twist knife here" or over my heart??? with maybe one last sign that reads "aim arrow here"??? i can't understand this and i never will.

baking cakes smell great

mmmm. . . that's one delicious smell. I have 2 chocolate chip banana sour cream cakes in the oven. . the air is scented with chocolate, bananas and cinnamon. its 2135 hours. . the night is young. . but i'm getting old! heh heh. . oh but i will be awake for at least another 3 1/2 hours. Yes, I regularly practice poor sleep hygiene! I consistently and constantly ignore my body's 'tiredness' signals. . i think because i'm just simply a rebellious fool. I'm probably shaving years off my life expectancy, but hey i'm so used to being a night hawk, maybe i feel that i must continue on in this fashion? i can just see myself now, in St. Andrews Terrace Retirement Home -- bugging the crap outta the nursing staff because i refuse to turn out my light when its 'lights out' time. .i would probably refuse to slow down in the hallways, cuz i move so fast now that by the time i became sufficiently aged i would then be merely 'fast' instead of 'hyperspeed' and i would be sailing past others and the breeze in my wake would loosen toupees and set wigs askew. i would throw tantrums if they tried to park my wheelchair by the 'staring window' just cuz everyone else is doing that, and i hate doing what everyone else does!! oh, my i'm gonna be a handful of an old lady!!! unless perhaps i dement and turn all insipidly meek and beige and perpetually drowsy?! NAH!!! ain't gonna happen!!! I'll be the bane of their existence. I only hope that i don't end up in diapers??? how humiliating would that be? and if i was this unruly octagenerian, there may be 'pay back'. . they might put my diapers on backwards, short sheet my bed, or bring me last to the dining room and my pureed mush would be all cold, gasp. . . they might make me watch game shows (NOOOO!!! I'LL SLOW DOWN! I'LL TURN OUT MY LIGHTS, PLEASE. . . DON'T MAKE ME WATCH PAT SAJACK RERUNS !!)

okay, i don't know how i got here???!!! cakes - senior's homes -- okay.

excuse me a minute. . . . . * the timer just dinged*

ahhh, what glorious cakes. tip of the knife is clean. . they're sitting on the racks, cooling -- the aroma is outta this world!! if i could bottle that and take it to whomever makes Glade or Febreze. . . i'd be a millionaire, people's carpeting and upholstery would smell like my chocolate banana cake and when i'm old i could hire myself a private nurse to be kind to me in my dotage, who will let me do whatever i want - stay up as late as i please, walk as fast as my arthritic legs will take me and NOT sit by any stupid old window and stare out of it, but would take me outside so that i could smell the air and feel the wind. . and drive me places and maybe even let me eat cake?!!!

careful shmareful!!!

oh, i hate having to be careful. . . sometimes i am deliberately not careful cuz I get so tired of always having to be on guard and uptight.

Takes Teddy Grahams for instance. Those little chocolatey teddies are so crunchy and irresistible. I especially like them to go for for a swim in Nutella! (but seldom do that any more cuz i have to be 'careful'). I look on the back of the package and see a little picture with 'find the 8 hiding teddies' fun for all!!! Now that's cool. . but underneath it is the NUTRITION FACTS fun-spoiler. . calories, fat, serving size, carbs. I hate having to look at these wretched white and black squares of doom. I consult them cuz i am being 'careful'. . but sometimes i want to mask them over with tape and just enjoy my flippin' food!!! Salt and vinegar Crispy Minis - another good little snack there -- guess how many the evil white square tells me to eat?! 8. not a single mini more. 8?? oh come on!!!! i like to eat those till the vinegary powder swells my taste buds! and i look like an ol lady without her dentures! BUT NO, I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL! Scales -- oh, we must be careful to weigh our bodies regularly to see if we have gained weight. ahhhh.. i hate scales, i hate numbers bullying me around and making me feel guilty. Why can't i just go for more walks? You even have to be careful when you walk - especially if you're a woman and its night time. careful, someone might attack you!

I sometimes sit at the downstairs computer in the dark. My youngest daughter, KK, comes in, sees me and flips on the light, stands with her arms akimbo and taps her foot impatiently on the wooden floor, "Mommy! You have to be careful you don't ruin your eyes!" my eyes don't hurt, there's that word again! careful, shmareful. sometimes i want to be careless! its less rigorous.

sometimes i might want to go to bed without brushing and flossing my teeth, washing my face. . i'm tired, i just wanna flop on the bed; but no, i have to be careful that i don't get gum disease or cavities, and i have to be careful that my skin is clean, else it will rebel and embarrass me when i least want to be embarrassed. sometimes i might not want to eat vegetables every day or fibre first with 13 g. of fibre in every 1/2 cup serving. . I don't want to think about my bowels or my calcium intake or whether or not my multivitamin formulation is pharmaceutical grade, i don't want to know these things. . i just want to be free!!! somes i might want to say "i don't CARE what the suggested serving size is!!! I don't want to know the nutrition facts - how about some nutrition fiction? like this: Calories: say what? Fat: Nope! Carbohydrates: we forgot to measure them! . . I don't want to hear the word "Carb" ONE MORE TIME!!! I don't want to think about SUNBLOCK 1000, you have to be CAREFUL in the sun. . . when i was a kid i ran around and got as brown as a native and went barefoot, cuz i wasn't a careful little urchin. . . and i was HAPPILY CARELESS. I went swimming 2 minutes after eating cuz i didn't want to be careful to wait for an hour. I would run out on the street in a rain shower cuz i wanted to (we lived on a dead end steet - don't worry!) and i didn't think about being CAREFUL not to get my hair wet!!

I think that time, society and a secret group of anal retentives have conspired together to turn us all into CAREFUL prisoners!! BAH!!!

so, what am i eating for supper tonight? SALAD!!! ha ha. . .

may 2 - our anniversary!!!

hey! today is our 24th anniversary! Yes, 24 years ago today i said 'i do' to a tall man wearing a sky blue tux with ruffled shirt! (yes, our friends call it his 'hustler, pimp shirt'!) to which Rob always says "That was the style!!!" (it really was!) you know, sometimes it seems like forever. . but in a good forever sense - like 'wow, i've known you forever (28 years) and i'm glad!

sometimes i think of all that we have been through and i just sit and wonder at it all. . we didn't see some of the stuff coming -- like losing 3 of our babies, (1 set of identical stillborn twin girls and the other baby, we never found out - you often don't in miscarriages) we were soooo young when that happened. . Rob was such a rock when i was all hollow and disconnected. . he did everything - picked the casket, made the arrangements, all i had to do was grieve. he took the pressure cuz he knew i couldn't. he's been there always with me in my struggles with growing up in a 'difficult' environment. . understanding what that has done to me and how its affected me. He's been there as a husband who can pray with me and for me -- that's an awesome thing. oh man, we faced the deaths of friends and family together -- difficulties shared are always a bit more bearable. we've gone through some extreme parenting challenges and came out the other end of that long period still married, still sane, and a whole lot wiser and stronger, having tried our best and failed at times, but we all came through it!!! we've gone through unbelievable 'political' stuff at church - together - i won't even detail any of that cuz i'd have to pull an all nighter to do so!!! we've gone through unemployment, poverty, debt, uncertainty, a cancer scare, surgeries - nursing each other back to health - worrying about our sick children, you name it! AND we've watched a zillion movies together - walked thousands and thousands of kilometers, kissed, oh maybe a billion times?! said i love you maybe more, had several babies (all girls!!!) been so proud of our kids and grandkids together - played music and written songs together - laughed our heads off, annoyed the crap outta each other - garage saled - counseled at music camp, read papers, cooked together, remodelled our house countless times together - yard worked, CD shopped, brainstormed, listened to each other (mostly -- ha ha!) square danced - and regular danced, sang at weddings, funerals, put up with each other's 'phases' with support or at least feigned interest, (p.s. I HATE sci fi! and despise hockey and baseball! so those things i don't feign!! actually those would be the only things that i would feign) we reminisce about childhood candies and games together, we have travelled together and with our kids, we have Bible studied, worshiped together, played Santa and the Tooth Fairy (who kept forgetting to show up!) together (not to mention the Easter bunny!!) and maybe driven highway 8 together enough times to circle the globe!!!

anyway, its 1:05 i see. . and this is a heavy over time week for me at work and i should hit the hay. thanx for reading about us. What a privilege it is to know this man. He's not perfect and neither am i -- no surprise there! I can barely remember what its like to not be in this relationship. . and i wouldn't want to. All the moments, the looks, the words, the fun and the challenges. . I'm very grateful and misty-eyed - if you'll excuse me, i have to go hug someone!!

night!!