Friday, May 06, 2005
oh boy. . .
this won't be a humorous anything today, it won't be anything much except for a chance for me to pretend like no one's reading this (cuz almost nobody does anyway) and just use it for myself and no one else, to say that this has been a tough day for yucky reasons that are very painful and bring up so much horrible stuff from my past that will just not stop haunting and vexing me. it makes me furious and rageful and so shaking from the news i received today from my youngest sister, who bless her heart is going to share something with me, to partially make up for this situation. . I had a bit of a meltdown earlier, but became so short of breath and scared with all the things that were coming up that I actually had to speak to my memories and forbid them to surface. . if i let one up, it brings another and before i know it i'm outnumbered and overwhelmed and they won't go neatly back into the basement, they want to stretch and air themselves and usually i can do pretty well keeping them under lock and key. . and i'm the keymaster. . or am i?? i don't know - maybe that's all a control illusion? I think I need to see someone about this. . cuz it scares me when something triggers and awakens those dark things and they fight to overpower me. i prayed to God, okay kinda just kept saying "Help". . wasn't really praying so much as pleading. . .i asked my close friends at work to pray for me right then - i knew i was in trouble. . . and they wrote back and said that they were. . (they know my story) and then Rob called and i lost it. . . and he knows all too well why. . and he couldn't come home and i had to work, cuz we're so backlogged. I didn't know how i would be able to focus on work. . but you know, the prayers helped and Rob's voice did, and i took a note book and i wrote a bit, then i worked, then wrote, worked, and by the end of my shift, 9 pages of my guts were spilled out on the blue lines and i was so agitated at the time i wrote it all down, i can barely decipher my writing. . I don't know if i will send the letter -- oh i can't make sense of my life sometimes. . i wonder why did i have to go through these things? and why am i still being put through the wringer? At least with this latest crap development in this long time crap situation, i can take the focus off the OTHER crap in my life and not think about it as much -- why is it that speaking out against injustice always comes back to bite me on the ass? why do people who are supposed to love me and care about me -- why do they treat me so badly? was i born with a huge 'bull's eye' on my head, and a sign reading "Mess with this." or on my back with a sign that says "twist knife here" or over my heart??? with maybe one last sign that reads "aim arrow here"??? i can't understand this and i never will.