21st century living

You know, I seldom watch ABCs newsmagazine "20/20". Years back Rob and I both watched it pretty well every week. I'm not really sure why we stopped. Hugh Downs, Barbara Walters, the guy with the moustache (sorry, his name escapes me). Good journalism, i thought -- issues, current and compelling, some marshmallow fluff to lighten things up a bit, some celebrity profiling, nice mix.

The reporters have all changed. Forgive me, I don't even remember their names! For whatever reason, i began to watch last night - intrigued by the trailer commercials. . . Rob joined me shortly after it began.

The lead story was the disturbing story of Marc Cohen, told in his own words - strangely, his wife is one of the anchors on the show and she not only covered the story, but was interviewed in the piece!!! *how strange that must have been for her?* For those who haven't heard of this man, he had a huge hit with "Walking in Memphis"some years back. Approximately 2 weeks ago he was shot in the head during an attempted carjacking, while he and his band drove home post concert. Amazingly, the bullet that found its way into Mr. Cohen's head was precisely 1 cm shy from entering the singer's brain, and about an equal distance from rupturing his eye. The CT scan showed the evidence. He is recovering beautifully physically, but does seem to be suffering from intermittently-triggered post traumatic stress -- who wouldn't be?! They did apprehend the shooter, who had a lengthy list of offences. I thought he had that typical 'criminal look'. . the wild eyed gaze of a caged animal, the swagger of evil conceit. . made me shudder. He looked just plain bad to the bone.

After that scary story we were then treated to two small, related pieces on spying.
Spouses spying on spouses. .
Parents spying on children. .

Spyware isn't just for spies any more. If you suspect your spouse, all you have to do is go to a store and they will hook you up. Cameras, disguised as innocuous, household or everyday items, bear silent witness to all the things you'd probably rather not see. E-blaster and other such computer software keeps track of every keystroke, every email, every site hit by the "suspect", logs, lists, online purchases. . it documents everything. In the U.S. there's even a reality show called "Cheaters" which obtains video proof of infidelity and shuttles the wronged spouse to the scene of the tryst, to catch the adulterers in 'flagrante delicto'. . . just what everyone wants to see; live marriage disintegration, raw heartbreak at the moment it happens, rage, humiliation, pain. . what's happening??? Did you know there are 'alibi' websites. All you do is register, log on then ask someone to provide you a plausible alibi to convince the one you want to dupe, that there is a legitimate reason for you to be called away, or for you to miss an event or be absent from home. . . the alibi provider will text, email, call, whatever you need. There is also a company that will provide a 'sonic decoy' for your every deceitful need. If you need your spouse to believe that you are 'stuck in traffic' all you do is select "traffic jam" which will provide the background noise to corroborate your lie. Can you believe that people make a living providing this stuff?

Also profiled were several parents who had installed cameras in their teens' bedrooms, to 'monitor' their activities. One parent was a single mom who often had to work late, who watched her son every 10 minutes. . . her child was a conscientious, good kid of 13 who resented the intrusion and didn't understand why it was necessary. We found this creepy. A dad was profiled, who had installed e-blaster software for his daughter's computer. He monitored every single keystroke, every incoming and every outgoing communication. His daughter was very uncomfortable with this invasion of her privacy, yet she confessed that her dad is a good guy who is scared to death that online predators would somehow find her whereabouts. Yet another dad had installed a GPS in the car that his daughter used. He tracked her all the time to see where she was going, how long she stayed at each destination, even the speed with which she drove. She was mad, she didn't trust him because she wouldn't trust her. We did see some of the reasons why this kind of spying can be helpful. . kids repeatedly stealing from their parents' purses, kids getting into the liquor cabinet, getting drunk, even throwing up on the kitchen floor.

Cheating, spying, no trust, no faith. What a mess. Is all this a solution?! ugh. . left a bad taste in my mouth.

Last little gem in this strange show was a piece which profiled women who marry lifers. . men in jail, men on death row, murderers, thieves. One woman said that she liked a 'manly man', someone who was mysterious, a 'bad boy'. wow. . . these women, what are they smoking? Most of them cannot consummate their marriages. . depends what state allows conjugal visits. They have no one to live life with, do the every day things with, no one to talk. Okay, maybe i'm missing something, but we're talking murderers. . . women who 'fall in love' with them and marry them!!! What possible appeal exists here??? Who could hold the hands of someone who used those same hands to kill someone else? I know I'm asking as if you will have the answer! Who does? What a very bizarre segment that was and i don't even know how to think about that.

I liked the 'old' 20/20, the one with Baba Wawa and good 'ole Hugh. . and some fluff to balance the 'in your face' stuff, bring back the weight loss tips, Dr. Tim talking about modern health care, BW interviewing a politician or a film maker. . am I being an ostrich? I find this world a scary place to inhabit. . . don't you? I hate watching the news and i don't think i'll bother watching 20/20 again. . . i would prefer my eyesight to be a little more fuzzy. . 20/20 vision is unsettling.

before the rain

the darkened sky broods overhead and the wind powers through the tall oaks in my backyward. . . woosh. . the pliant branches sway and bend. The windchimes clang lightly in the twilight. The wind blows then recedes, shifting and ruffling the glossy, thick-leaved vines that drape over the deck trellis. Crickets are squeaking, motorcycle engines whine in the distance. The air feels saturated and the breeze is brisk and cool. A siren pierces the soundscape, then fades in the direction of someone's trouble. A faraway train whistle joins the cacophony . . .these are the sounds of living.

I see bird silhouettes just above my neighbour's roofline. . .strips of deeper blue slice through the cloud cover in the distance. The moon is full but hiding. Acorns pelt the wooden deck. Geese do a flyby. . their distinctive cry is all Canadian.

The rain seems imminent, but hesitant. Night has fallen fully and calms where it touches. My heart rate slows slightly and my breathing deepens. Every wind swell stirs the thousands of darkly green leaves that tremble above me . . . . waiting

well then

Hey all! As usual i'm blogging late. . Rob's rolling fresh, new paint onto the same cupboard that cracked my skull!!! so i'm stayin' away from that particular one. . we don't like each other!!! heh heh. . . I visited my friend, Pauline tonight - we are enjoying each other's company for Canadian Idol watching every Tuesday night!!! WEEEE!!! We had popcorn, which we both seemed to like shovelling into our gobs like it was goin' outta style, also both confessed a predilection for licking the salty, buttery-flavoured oil from the sides of the bag!!! Pauline told me of a work friend who asked her how she ate her popcorn, and P then went on to demonstrate jamming an entire handful of the crunchy nuggets into her wide-open mouth, using her palm to push it all in! It was hilarious to see someone demonstrate the private way i eat this stuff. . was she a fly on my wall?? So, when the popcorn was done, we got talking about blogs after C.I. was over. . . and yeah, we had a good talk as always. I learned that there are those who might visit a humorous blog post (i.e. one of mine) that doesn't mention God every second word and immediately the Christian 'snobbery' rears its ugly head and judgement seeps in and does its erosive job.

So, i'm writing with a bit of heaviness in my heart and a sigh exhaling from my open mouth, which I almost feel as if i could sigh enough, a bit of the heaviness would escape with each exhalation. Its not working. . so i'm gonna write this.

All right. . . where is it written, or has it ever been written that people who love God have to be 'one channel'. . all God, all the time? Who says that a person who loves God must bludgeon people over the head with Bible quotes and little religious homilies for every occasion? Who says that Christians must always have an angle, looking for that opportunity to 'get' people. . capture them, preach at them? Must a follower of Jesus talk in the weird dialect of "Christianese" and say things like "Blessings" or "Hallelujah", "Praise the Lord!", "Father God", "Yes, Jesus!", "Amen"? I'm actually starting to really get annoyed with this kind of talk, cuz its thrown around and trampled upon like sidewalk salt in winter. . . so much. . . too much. . . these words seem to have lost their meanings. . . i cringe and wince with sayings like "God told me this" or "Let go and let God" (a particular UNfavourite), "When God closes a door, he always opens a window". . i'm sorry, i can't say these things, they just don't flow from my pen, my keyboard nor my lips. .i can't even believe them. Does this make me some kind of inferior, substandard Christ follower? Must a person who loves God act like this and talk like this, cuz if that's what loving God is all about, i guess I don't want to love him. Thankfully i know that is not even remotely close to what being a godly person is. I've got to pause here for a second. . . I do not want to speak out of turn or be speaking for myself when it comes to such importance.

If i write something, anything. . if i chose to talk about my poodle who throws up on the basement stairs and licks it up again. . or if i talk about cracking my skull on a cupboard and liken a botched paint job to primates smearing feces on my walls, or if i chose to talk about the velvety night sky or about a beautiful girl whose parents are struggling to come to terms with her death. . geez. . i write what i feel. . i write about what touches me. . i write for the sheer joy of putting words together because i love them so much. If I am a the 'real deal', doesn't God live in me? and doesn't he come out in what I say? even if its not blatantly, dogmatically, pragmatically, theologically coated???!! this makes me think of M&Ms. . don't ask me why, cuz i'm kinda upset, but i guess the 'coated' part. . . M&MS might be coated in candy, which is fun and crunchy and colourful and light. . but there is still chocolate to the core and the candy shell isn't all there is, even though that's the first thing you see!!! So, if my blogs are sometimes like the candy part of chocolate covered candy. . . they are still chocolate. Am i bonkers? Is there some anoxia happening in my brain now? okay, deep breath. . .

I know that most of you are probably wondering "hmmm, why does Kathy have this bee in her bonnet?". . .not to mention that she's mixing her metaphors!!! and I say to you. . its not you, its me. . okay, maybe its one bee. . . but I hope that this makes sense. The bee will know what i'm saying. . and hey they're entitled to be a bee and bees sting and it hurts. . . but bees will be bees.

I feel more unworthy than i could tell you to even bear the name of Christ, to the point that i even hesitate to call myself a Christian. . . but indeed I am following him and he's gracious enough to me to allow me to. I don't expound pious platitudes in my blog and if i ever did, i'd expect some 'smacking' SNAP OUT OF IT comments from you guys! I'd sooner pack it up and call it quits than turn into some superspiritual, hyper-religious *read 'boring* unreal, plastic, poor excuse for a human being. We're all in this together fellow babies (as Dr. Johnny Fever would say! - W.K.R.P in Cincinnati - your blast from the past). . . so let's know each other and read and write and be full of joy and share and be in community without cliches, force-fed Bible doses or weird phrases. This is an M&M blog for sure. . and what's wrong with that? I love M&MS!!!!! don't you???

kitchen pictures - earliest to now!

Plastic wrap to the rescue. . .

One day not too long ago i picked at a loose seam of my kitchen wallpaper. . . OOPS!!! i tore some off. . .i kept tearing. . now i've done it - no turning back cuz i'm tearing off more and more and it looks good and ugly now, i am now commited to the process of change . . .ooh that means work!! I knew it was time. . i guess i had been in a state of lazy denial. I kept talking myself out of it, so I put up with the 'little house on the prairie' wallpaper, little wee brown flowers. . looked like Laura Ingalls church dress! WHAT WAS I THINKING WHEN I BOUGHT THIS STUFF?! When we moved into our little 'fixer upper' house 22 years ago, the entire house was just disgusting beyond words. . but we were young, it was affordable and our little Linds was 9 months old and our apartment was exploding with her toys and baby paraphenalia, we needed a house! We used to walk past the little house ALL THE TIME. . wishing and praying and hoping that we'd move in there one day. . and we did!!! When we went to sign the papers at the lawyer's office, we got the goosebumps. The former owners had the same names as we did!!! We looked at each other and said "This was meant to happen". We moved in and began our never ending renovation odyssey. I think that Lindsay was about 3 i had put up with the kitchen long enough. . we transformed our 1950s red and white kitchen into an 80s 'country kitchen' with wood and wallpaper, we sprung for a new counter and new flooring. We were so excited to have something nice. We had stripped the cupboard doors, and found this bizarre wood grain, the likes of which we'd never seen, however i wanted natural wood and we were too poor to buy brand new cupboards, so we lived with the SILLY , icky wood grain. We got busy raising our girls and went on to fix many others things that begged to be fixed. But it was great, cuz we were working hard together to make it better. Draw any spiritual or life-lesson parallels you'd like here. . i always tend to see everything like that anyway. Yeah, i know, spiritualizing house renovations. . what can I say? I can spiritualize garbage day!! So, back to the 21st century here. . the precious Holly Hobbie kitchen is rapidly becoming history, the lace garage sale curtains have landed in the garbage. . sometimes it feels good to get rid of old, worn out stuff. I want the new kitchen to be sleek but warm. My friend Linda says that your kitchen is the heart of your house. . so ours is having some 'open heart surgery'! I dreamed this up on my own! I'm hoping that everything works out?! The walls are a warm brown, with wooden wainscotting, the trim is fresh white. . buhbye almond!!! The flooring will be taupe or dark grey, preferably something resembling slate. . brushed nickel door pulls and knobs, fixtures, all that. . the wood ceiling stays, cuz Robbie and I made it and its gorgeous. . new light fixtures, something funky. . Dark bamboo roman blinds are on order. High gloss mini tiles (probably dark brown) for the back splash, i've never had a back splash before. I'm jazzed about that. We began the gargantuan job. . . and we soaked the walls with a power sprayer, we sweated and scraped that retarded backing off the walls, it yielded 1 centimeter at a time and left behind tacky, stubborn glue. . which we had to scrub off the walls with steel wool, underneath all this gunge, we encountered the peeling grossness of ill-applied latex over oil basecoat *which made us think dark thoughts against the painter, whomever it might have been -- possibly one of our namesakes??* GAH!!! What a hideous job. . we slaved at that. . So, after patching and sanding, etc. . Rob rolled on a linen-coloured base, how beautiful!!!! Here's where it gets interesting. . . I'm "Ms Confident" . . i decide to make a glaze. . which was easy and gloopy, and very fun, kinda felt like a kindergarten with the fingerpaints! Rob's watching, he decided to stir. . i measured. He was getting set to go out, cuz he did the base coat, the faux finishing was my department. . i was cool with that. . fair's fair. "Start behind the stove" sez Rob. . of course, i thought, smart. . . little did we know! I dunk my lint free rag into the brown goop. . . I hunker down behind the stove and begin swirling the glaze onto the pristine, pale wall. UH OH. . . . that doesn't look good. . . I tell myself that its okay, i'll get the hang of it. . I do some more circular motions with the glaze. . . I'm starting to get that sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach. Desperation sets in. . . i'm swirling, and Rob's looking silently over my shoulder. oh this is not good. . . I begin to get very upset and even panicky. . my vision, my lovely vision is becoming a chocolate brown nightmare!!! I'm asking Rob to consult the internet site i have bookmarked. . he's re-reading the directions and then he tells me "oh, use a damp cloth, Kathy." Okay, i get another cloth and dampen it and AHHHHH its taking the flipping glaze right off the walls in garish, smeary white circles. Okay, now i'm freaking out!!! I decide that we must move to another technique. Rob's looking up 'frottage'. . . which we'd done before (roll on your glaze, take it off the crumpled plastic wrap, paper, whatever). So, Rob comes in to help me wipe the stupid, crappy circles off of the wall. . and I get up quickly and CRACK. . . my head meets the pointed end of the overhead cupboard! I yell "JESUS!" *I really wasn't swearing. . it was the first word that came out of my mouth! in a reverent painter's cry for divine intervention??* as if i half expected him to have some sympathy for my plight.. . . more than likely he's laughing his head off watching me sitting on my rear end with my painty gloved hands up in the air to keep from touching other objects. . i'm bawling my eyes out from the pain of my throbbing head. . and Rob's got to lift me up. . and I'm saying "I'm such a moron. . . i ruined your painting. . . i suck. . " Rob's consoling me and tell me that I don't suck. . Then I wail in my high-pitched 'crying voice' : "This looks like monkeys came in and smeared sh*@ all over the walls!!" The horrid half circles of smeary brown paint teased my "Ms Confidence" and chased her away. . . Rob says "Well, i wasn't gonna say anything, but I'm glad you think so." . . . i can laugh about it now! Thank God for back-up plans and for plastic wrap!!! We wiped off as much of the mistake as we could and Rob decided to help me do the whole thing. . i love him!!! and together we corrected the boo boo, so that you would never know it was ever there. . . ahhhh, that's better. We rolled the glaze on and dabbed it off with giant wads of Glad wrap. . . oh, the Man from Glad would be a bit peeved to see such waste, but still i think he'd be proud of us! You know what? the kitchen walls look fantastic!!! I had to take some extra strength tylenol for the big lump on my noggin but the walls, the walls are amazingly, goldenly warm brown. . they look like they have this 'texture'. I love them. . I can't wait to do the rest of the room!!! p.s. my head still hurts, and when i touch it i laugh out loud thinking about monkeys.

READY FOR SOME FUN?

Now this just came outta nowhere really, i was just thinking about bananas for some reason and this little 'quiz' just starting coming to me. So, If you're ready to take the quiz, just answer every question in your mind, or out loud if you like!

FUSSYPANTS QUIZ

1. Will you eat the bruises in bananas?
2. Do you employ the 5-second rule for food droppage?
3. Can you leave a mess alone and not clean it up right away? *regardless of who made it*
4. Can you drink other brands of your favourite beverage if yours isn't available?
5. Can you receive a doggie kiss without "pulling a Lucy"? (have you all seen Charlie Brown?)
6. Do you notice and/or feel the urge to correct misspellings, bad grammar or poor punctuation?
7. Can you eat food you don't prepare? As my friend, Pauline would say "You don't know if the
person was picking their nose or scratching their arse while they were cooking."
8. Do you iron your clothes? all of them? some? none?!! Please don't say you iron your towels!
9. Do you need to control the remote control?
10. Do you care if your foods mix on your plate?
11. Can you take holidays with other people?
12. Is it easy for you to break your routines - if you have them that is!
13. If you receive subpar service, do you speak up?
14. Do you get annoyed if the wind blows your hair?
15. If you leaf through money and you notice an upside down or backwards bill, do you correct
it to match the rest?
16. Do you eat the end pieces in a loaf of bread?
17. Do you like the feel of sand between your toes?
18. Would you use an outhouse or Port-A-Potty?
19. Do you flip out if someone enters your house with their shoes on?
20. If a visitor's child spills something on your carpet do you take it in stride?
21. If your salad has bits of rusty lettuce, do you eat them? (that's like the banana question, i
know!)
22. Will you eat cheap chocolate?


So. . . wasn't that fun?! Well. . . . are you an official fussypants?!! I'm not gonna make you add anything up or not. . you know if you are!!!

I am for some things and i'm not for others. . . i iron as little as possible, i hate the wind blowing my hair and i hate sand in my toes. . i hate cheap chocolate. . i don't mind if ppl wear their shoes in my house. . its actually better for the carpets than bare or sock feet! (according to my carpet cleaning guy). . i don't flip out if a child spills. . i won't eat bruises in bananas or rusty lettuce! ICK! Idon't like the ends of the bread! i speak up when i receive subpar service. . i can leave a mess for a time. . if nobody's coming to visit, and i love doggie kisses, but not on the lips!

another year. .

yes, another year has begun for me . . it stretches out like an unexplored road. I'm eagerly optimistic about that and grateful for all the decades gone by! It was a celebrating day today, with chinese food, birthday pie, pink balloons, birthday banners and my wonderful family. . our poor little house was bursting at the seams! Several young nieces and nephews, grandkids. . . doing art work at the dining room table, screaming with laughter and bouncing around inside the play room tent. . the 2 babies eyeing each other and sharing a soother! it kinda felt like a day care!! the oldest ones drawn to the drum kit and the djimbe, their long "rocker" hair hanging in curtains over their eyes. . boy, Auntie Kathy fought strong urges to lure them into the room where i keep the dog grooming scissors! the adults all yacked and read magazines and i got to open my gifts. . things i've wanted but could never find. . that was SO great, I can't say! A smooth, marble pastry board, which is surprisingly cold to the touch even at room temp, so yeah, that's gonna roll a mean pastry!! The sucker's HEAVY!!! gotta lift with your legs! I also received some squeeze bottles (for dessert decorating). . . yeah - so simple, but so sought after for months now!!! Got some gorgeous wall plates for my 'in transition' disaster zone kitchen.. . i can see it finished in my head! A decadent Rosalind's gift cert, with which I should be able to snag some lacy and or silky item! Some beautifully arranged flowers, mushy and silly cards, some spending moola and get this. . . something i've been dying to get my hands on. . . . a BELLY DANCING VIDEO! ooh la la. . . can't wait to gyrate! don't worry, that's about as saucy as this is gonna get here! I bet its a fabulous work out for the abs ? I'll clear a path around the hip area to prevent flying objects and NOBODY and i mean NOBODY had better be peeking while i'm trying to learn. . .cuz i'm just gonna look like a doofus and i won't have any cool-looking finger cymbals or tiered skirts with little bells on them. . i might even get a laugh eh??!!! perhaps i should cover up the basement windows?

wow. . mid 40s. . i feel the years but i don't, do you know what i mean? i like their effect. . i like how they work to wise me up and calm me down ( i'm now only occasionally hot tempered and hopefully only occasionally stupid!). I like knowing who i am and what i'm here for. . its makes things so much easier!

Of course on the playlist for the party meal was the Beatles version of Happy Birthday!! What would a birthday be without this cool, little rockin tune?

night time

you know, i love the night for so many reasons.
the cooler air is such a relief from the day's intensity
the velvety bluish blackness of the sky - isn't it so gorgeous? it appears almost touchable. .
the winking stars - they look so teeny, its hard to believe they are dying or dead planets! harder still to realize that the light we see has taken so long to emanate from its source, that the source may no longer exist?!!!!
the luminous moon -- there's something about that orb. . its serene and austere, not a scrap of life on it, freezing cold, even so, it seems we've assigned it a warm personna! So much more mellow than that hyperactive sun, it shines benevolently upon all the lovers in the world, yet takes the rap for all that craziness among the 'lunatic' fringe! strange, eh?
the night time stillness, you can almost feel it. . even strain to hear it. .
the sleeping. . . ahhhh, love sleeping.
the way light glows in the darkness, its comforting. . allows us to 'tame the beast'. . . if all was total blackness, i don't think i'd be so rhapsodic, more likely terrified!!!
Still, I feel like the night time is my time. . i was born after midnight !!!there's a reason i'm this way!!
I even married another night person and had 2 night children! (though 1 of our daughters has little kiddies, so she's had to cross over to the 'other side', but she'll be back. . right Linds? *wink!*)
I love to drive at night, i love the glow of the instrument panel on the dash. . i love the way the headlights and running lights cast those helpful pools of light onto the darkened asphalt. i love the sound of djs voices at night on the car radio. .
I love to walk at night, love to hear the echo of my footsteps. . walk over my street light shadow on the sidewalk.
Its so cool how sound travels at night. . . speeding trains and jets flying overhead can sound like cataclysmic events!!! thunderous!
I love to be outdoors at night -- its magic. I like the smells of night, the loamy earth smell, the damp, dewy florals from roses and honeysuckle vines. . .now with no competition from the busy daytime vehicle exhaust, they lightly perfume the air.
I can think at nightl, its like my brain 'sighs' at night. . .
I can breathe at night. . the day's chaos and 'forced labour' ha ha . . has ended and i'm free!

How do you feel about the night? are you a night person or a morning person?
If you like the night, what do you like about it?
Do you hate waking up every morning? are you grumpy?? (i find it torturous!!!)
OR do you spring up from your bed singing and jumping. . . up and 'at em, RISE AND SHINE and all that hooey? all that stuff's foreign to me and seems not to be in my DNA!?
maybe i should take up coffee drinking and get that artificial boost in the a.m.? join the rest of the world in its caffeine-induced alertness?! nah. . . i'd rather stay sleepy and hope it will gradually wear off. . . which it invariably does by around noon!!!! heh heh. . .

its time to say 'goodnight'. Notice how nobody ever wishes you a 'badnight'? there's a reason for that! (actually lots of them listed above!)

disposable gotchies and maalox

oh man. . . i spent 1/2 hour watching ABC News. . . the "American feed". . . which is weird cuz usually in this country (Canada) our stations sub their own ads. . . anyway. . I learned some things in between commercials, like its taken over 1 billion dollars to 'fix' the space shuttle, i won't even touch that one now! and Atkins corporation *the eat as much gloopy meat and cheese as you want people* has declared bankruptcy. . . their product sales are down 50% - but in their hey day they bankrupted Wonderbread, got the Florida Orange Juice Growers mad enough to file suit and riled up pasta producers to the point that they launched a "Pasta Fights Back" campaign! People are nuts when it comes to losing their chub. . . They even talked about a book called the "3-Hour Diet". . . you eat food every 3 hours. . nothing new. . ppl have been talking about this for a while now, but its climbing up the best-sellers list. I could certainly handle eating every 3 hours. . but i can't say i'd always eat the right things. . So, that's what was on the "news", but it was the commercials that were driving me bonkers!

Drugs! The only non-drug spots I saw were for 3 different "wrinkle creams" that promised to 'de-crinkle' my skin and save me from going under the knife! yes, they actually used the word 'de-crinkle'! at least when they claim to have ingredients like "Boswellian"??? or copper they are attempting to sound scientific!! Then there were the denture products spots. . makes me want to wear floss necklaces so that there's no chance of me losing my teeth. . that would be traumatic! i love them!!

So, i kid you not. . these are the other commercials I saw in 1/2 hour:

*Maalox. . . poker players surrounded by salsa and nachos assured me that its 3 x more effective than the 'other brand'. . the cartoon maalox container even whupped the other brand container's *$@
*Lunesta (some mysterious drug that was advertised with a luminous, animated butterfly flying from darkened house to house - nothing else! I thought "sleep aid". . . but i'm not sure? it told me to 'ask your doctor')
*Phillips tablet laxatives. . they don't cramp like the competition does! (i spell checked this sentence to make sure the "m" was in the proper word)
*Some new prostate drug for men who keep 'going and going and going'. . geez. . i had to hear this man talk about his pee pee problems and i got to see an animated picture of his prostate and bladder. . . that was a treat.
*Daily aspirin to prevent heart attack risk - an athlete doing the butterfly in a swimming pool. . . come on! show somebody who's older, overweight and out of shape and you come close to the majority of heart patients who need aspirin therapy!
*"Cholesterol" vitamins by One A Day. . . i wasn't really paying attention why we need these?
*Ezetimibe to treat your elevated cholesterol . . . side effects may include nausea, vomiting, headache.. . dry mouth. .
--- excuse me, i'm slapping fruit flies in between points here! i'm hurting my own palms more than i'm getting rid of them! ---
*Nexium for acid reflux disease. . . how many 'diseases' can we have?

So, yeah, i kept thinking of the Huey Lewis song "I Wanna New Drug"!!
I also thought. . wow. . almost all of these conditions are stress related.

While i'm in the 'personal products' zone. . there's 'Tena' brand disposable undergarments. . . this particular commercial isn't an American one, I don't think? and i didn't see it tonight, but its been aired here in Canada about a year ago. . . "Forget Your Troubles, Come On Get Happy" swings in the background as elderly women dance and twirl and laugh over lunch al fresco. . . then the part that my husband Rob always shielded his eyes from was the image of a grey-haired woman seated on her bedside, pulling up her diapers over her dainty feet!!! He would always say "OH, MAN!!!" Next thing you know, this commercial was pulled and there's a new one with a scat music background. . . pregnant women, young, athletic women doing yoga, a pair of lithe legs dancing with her "Tena" gotchies showing, which look surprisingly chic! WHA?! . . new image. . for the young, sophisticated incontinent, there's Tena. Hey! maybe i should write commercials?!!! GAH!!!

aaanyway. . . just a little observation. I guess the 'drug' and 'delicate issues' commercials are a nice break from the constant food commercials!!!! I didn't even cover the 'feminine products'!!!! which is crazy!!! *i guess i was watching during a 'geriatric time spot'???!!!* cuz they weren't talking about wings or extra absorbency. . . thank goodness!

things i love. . .

do you ever feel instants where you really get it? like you understand the best things and you savour them? i'm having a moment now where i understand some best things and i'm glad for these moments, cuz they're real and they're beautiful and they're what's good about living.

these are some things i love. . .

my husband plays guitar late at night. . i love that. he's good, though he doesn't think that he is. he usually sings too and he always sings with his eyes closed, which is another thing i love, the way he feels music and i feel it too. sometimes i sit on the basement stairs and watch him play when he doesn't know it. Other times i sing with him, which is another thing i love. sometimes we write our songs in the wee hours and the clock is non-existent cuz we don't care. . i love not caring about rules or time or routine. its great to see moments as unduplicatable and special. .

i love when my girls are home and we're all together, me and their dad and them. . it doesn't happen often now with Linds raising her own little family and KK being away at school half the year, and the other half, working or being out with the love of her life! its like the walls of the house reverberate with life and conversation and laughter when we're all here - which i love.

i love when our grandchildren come to visit. I love it when they burst in the door and i hear Jimmy's high pitched voice "Hi!!" He's always first in the door. . he flings off whatever outerwear he's got on. . he loses the shoes and bounds into the front room to get at his toys. I always head him off at the pass to get my hugs and steal my kisses. Eri is always on her mom's hip, usually with a sucky in her mouth. . her strawberry blonde hair hanging in little curls at the nape of her neck. . her blue eyes light up and her arms extend towards me. I love that. . .

i love special occasions and i've been known to go a little bit overboard! like the time Linds looked at my Valentine's Day adornments and said "It look like Valentine's Day threw up in here." She thinks its a Hallmark holiday, i don't care. . i love it and all other similar occasions, Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day, Father's Day, V-Day, birthdays. . i love to celebrate. . i love to make a moderate fuss, not a gaudy, tacky, hyperactive kind of fuss, but a laid back enjoyment type of fuss . i love the chance to go the extra mile to make memories and be good to my family and really enjoy the moment.

i love being outside, i love the feel of air on my skin and the smells of the earth and all that springs from it. I really enjoy being under the sky. . it brings this sense of something, i'm not sure. . . being small, feeling quiet. The sky is full of cool things that if i really consider what they are and the distance they are from where i stand, i can feel like a child and get a break from the burden of always trying to seem sophisticated or 'mature', i love that.

i love it when i can have a great conversation with someone. . when i can listen to them and they listen to me and i don't have any inner dialogue or shifting thoughts. . sometimes its hard to get there, you know? but when you do, its one of the best things.

i love mystery. . that's why i'd never go to a fortune teller. . i don't want to know what's around the corner and I don't believe that's something i should be doing anyway, cuz then it would be like i didn't trust God and i do, and why would i want to mess that up between us? mystery can be scary, but it can also be intriguing and i love that feeling of "What may happen?. . . i don't know!"

i love the feeling of being inspired and going with something because its just meant to be and you know it and its flowing. . .i might be writing; sometimes i can't sleep because i feel like i have to take dictation or something! i might even stay up all night working on something that seems very urgent and i must go with it while its here, i might be brainstorming and ideas are flying at me, it might be creating something with my hands, you know. . . a meal, a dessert, i might be taking pictures and trying different angles and hoping to capture something fantastic. . light, shadow, something cool, something different. . i might get notions to change something that needs changing. . .

i love sorrow. . . which is a bizarre thing to say. . but i don't suppose i love it so much as respect its extreme depth. It brings something to you when you've felt it, it helps you. . it doesn't matter whether i'm swimming in it, which i often have, or whether it belongs to someone else. . . it has this capacity to distill things to their essence. . all the superfluous stuff, it just flies out the window in the presence of sorrow. . its dark and brooding, but when you've tasted it and you've then emerged from your particular experience with it, everything takes on a different quality. . light is lighter, colour is richer and you are changed. .

there's so much more, i know -- endless possibilities. . but i think this is good just now.

what do you love?

remembering. . . .

Nicole was a lovely young lady, almost 13 and full of promise when she left for the next life. Today is the anniversary of her departure. I drove alongside the river this afternoon and turned into the "Coping Centre" an unbelievably beautiful, welcoming haven for grieving people. I joined some of her family and friends to commemmorate her life. How beautiful the surroundings. . lush, cool grass. . the river flowing silently by, the terraced fountain built by the same hands that raised her; a lasting testament to their great love for their only child. Today this lovely corner of remembrance was dedicated to her memory. Our group gathered to listen to tributes and words of reflection. We thought about Nicole and God and we thought about suffering and grief as we watched a small, white butterfly's flight path. Its been 3 years . . . Nicole was long limbed and slender, with lovely eyes and luxurious chestnut hair. Her energy was boundless, her hugs memorable and her singing voice lovely. She was full of her parents' enthusiasm for life -- she never did anything halfway. Her love for God was pure and simple. . . . .oh, i don't know how to word anything.. . . how do you talk about someone's life in a few clumsy paragraphs? how do you avoid the cliches and really say what's in your heart? I don't know if i can do it??? If it was possible for me to 'measure' Nicole's 'worth' by looking at her parents' depth of grief, i could only convey this worth with one word : infinite. I don't think i've ever seen such overflowing emotion. . it was the same in life as it is in death. . they never seemed to take her for granted and their gratitude for her presence with them was absolutely authentic. Their hearts were always full and their devotion to her and each other is rare in its intensity. Much love = much heartbreak. I can't begin to say how many people were affected by her death, or by her parents' faith in God that never wavered and only became stronger even as they went through that emotional minefield; sometimes crawling, sometimes not moving at all . . they never gave up and they've effectively channeled their energies to helping others. I love them dearly and admire and respect them immensely. . . " . . . our life has changed, we're taking it on faith.. . living every minute in His grace. The pain we feel is never far away, but His strength is in us every day. " M&H. . those lines are for you and you know where that's from and you've lived them and I'm so proud of you. love always. . . me.

the river is wide

Evening in July on the Grand River. . . our sturdy green canoe bears us away from the concrete and asphalt, from 4 walls, from maddening traffic and fluorescent shopping malls into a watery retreat from city living. From the first dip of the paddle we are transported into another realm. The brilliant orange embers of waning sun blaze a path on the water's serene surface. The quiet blankets us -- car sounds are replaced with bird calls, ducklings chase their mothers, three majestic, long-legged grey herons scan the shore lines for their fish suppers. We paddle as silently as we can to get as close as possible, but inevitably the large birds scare and display their wing spans as we silently watch their flights. We pass scullers out for an evening row. Soon we are alone, under the cloud canopy. Evening is beginning. The air is fragrant with the smell of vegetation and earthiness wafting from the distant banks.

The water is wide. . . smooth like glass. . the clouds are perfectly mirrored there. A glance at the water disorients us, it seems almost as if we are paddling through the sky, the white and blue of the heavens looks swirled on the river's surface, like a glorious water colour painting. . ripples spread concentrically from the oars. . .skitter bugs skate along and fish occasionally jump up and slap down. It seems unnatural for us to sit on the river without feeling the wetness of the water, yet we drily slice through the murky depths swiftly and silently. I place my paddle over my knees and plunge my left hand into the cool water. . i let it trail along as Rob continues to row. We talk occasionally, but often we are silent. . . and we don't mind the absence of words.

as the sky darkens we reluctantly turn around, we've paddled a long way. . . but an upstream roar draws us further and we spy a rocky water fall that tumbles from remnants of escarpment, cliff-like rocky outcroppings that line some parts of the Grand River's path. We bring the canoe alongside the falls to watch that water foam and surge from high above us. . . there are no shallows at this part of the bank. . just a straight drop down who knows how far? We sometimes try to gauge the depths by attempting to sound the riverbed with our paddles -- there is nothing to touch here. Sometimes I admit I'm a bit afraid sitting over the inky depths of this living remnant of ancient lake that once covered the entire city. I picture what lives underneath the water, undulating plant life, squirming, swimming creatures, i picture the contours of the bed far below, its dips and shallows, its rocks imprinted with prehistoric fossils. I feel a bit scared, and very small, but exhilerated and calmed all at once. We shove away from the weediness. . long, green strings of vegetation wrap around the oars, but these are washed away as we paddle outwards into the middle of this beautiful buoyant pathway.

We drift past the river view homes sitting high atop the banks, we feel a stab of envy as we see their suspended decks and enclosed glass lookouts. . what a glorious place to live! close to the water, its smells and sounds, its rippling and lapping, its mirror-perfect calm and deceptively powerful and deadly undertows. . the glorious Grand has claimed lives and commands respect. . and we we pay it -- our life jackets are always securely fastened.

The dock comes into view and twilight is falling, we timed it well . I wonder what it would be like to sit out on the water, floating, under the full moon and the pin point stars, see their reflection in the blackness under and over and all around. . . idyllic, but ill advised! We disembark reluctantly. . but the river is always there beckoning. . . "come away with me". . .

scary husbands

i can't believe that one more husband has been charged with killing his wife and unborn child. . what can be said about men who do this?

Scott Petersen

Mark Hacking

Michael White is the latest. . . if you're not familiar with this latest case, check this link.

http://sympaticomsn.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/1121771077940_2?hub=topstor



These men all killed their pregnant wives.
They then displayed grief and distress.
They joined the search efforts.
They made tearful pleas to the media.
They became suspects in the murders.
They were arrested for those murders.

What happened to "love, honour and cherish? What happened to vows? covenant? the family?
What about these little babies? they never even had a chance.
What about the devastated parents? the families? their loss is unspeakable, their rage and hurt, their trust shattered, their grief. . . .

As I followed the story of the latest missing wife and expectant mother, my first thought was "Her husband probably murdered her." When did a marriage licence become a hunting licence?

I'm listening, appropriately enough, to the song "What's Goin' On?"

this is too much.

1:30 a.m.

its like a strange kind of programming that finds me awake at an hour when most people will have already been asleep for several hours.

i'm actually very tired now, so promise to keep it short and sweet - brevity and me aren't well acquainted. perhaps we may meet tonight?

yeah, i'm not feelin' so bloggy lately, and that's not so bad. . been a busy week. busy's good. doing some kitchen renos. .nothing's being destroyed other than some fruity-looking wall paper and lace curtains! cupboards etc are remaining - just getting a fresh coat or two of paint. we're officially on holiday time now, so that's so great. . gonna celebrate by sleeping in 2morrow!!!*i mean today!* this is an 'open-ended' type of week. . no plans other than 2 day trips to http://www.saintemarieamongthehurons.on.ca/english/ and http://www.rom.on.ca/index.php. We're taking Linds and the kiddies! mom too! I think even KK might want to come along to the ROM? So, those are 2 good things to do!! can't wait. might snap a few good pix! other than that we'll do whatever we want! KK's working all week. . poor girl!

anyway, that's all she wrote, for this moment in time anyway! must sleep. . .
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i'm a big cry baby!!!

you know, sometimes its exhausting being such a marshmallow. . I can get myself so wrung out just watching a movie or reading a story, or listening to somebody talk, hearing a touching song. . .. I don't know why it is. .but i get so 'into' that emotion that's kinda crackling in the air, visible on faces, heard in in the voices - i think its almost like i breathe it in, or swallow it somehow and it goes straight to my heart and gives me a lump in my throat and the inevitable tears begin. I guess I just hafta be who i am, which is a great big cry baby!! Why fight how i'm 'wired'?? Right?! heh heh. . Rob just shakes his head. . he gets me kleenex and pats me on the head, chuckles indulgently and says "You're such a softy."

We just watched Dear Frankie . . . a brilliant little Scottish film about 2 moms and their 9 year-old deaf son/grandson. They've moved a lot, mom is always trying to protect Frankie and herself from her abusive husband. Nana is trying to protect her daughter and her grandson. Mom, rather than break her son's heart by telling him that his dad was horrible and violent, she concocts this fantastic story of a petty officer dad sailing 'round the world, sending letters and rare stamps to his son. Frankie corresponds with his "Dad" That's all i'm gonna mention, cuz i don't want to give things away . You can find this gem of a movie at Blockbuster. Its definitely, definitely a 2 thumbs up, exquisitely made film.

So, we watched Dear Frankie and i'm bawling. . Rob's bringing me kleenex. I don't know about anyone else, but sometimes when i'm watching a movie, watching 'World Vision' commericals, or the Toronto Humane Society commericals, or Extreme Home Makeover on tv. . i'm doing what i do best, thinking to myself "I cannot stand this for another minute, its too much emotion to hold in." Its almost to the point that i want to not watch anymore so that i can have a breather!! But i blubber through and usually it lets up a bit so that i can bear it! If i was alone i would probably cry even more, but even though Rob's my best friend in the world, i still can't let go, cuz i feel silly being THAT much of a wuss! If i was by myself watching the sadness i would burst into sobs!! wah wah wah. . . i cry more than my little grandkids!!

anyway, i must get some shut eye. . . so, watch Dear Frankie!! and don't forget the kleenex! you can think of me when you start your own waterworks!

da vinci code and ragamuffins

wow.. i'm reading 2 very disparate books at the moment -- yep, i'm a 'book juggler'! the odd couple i'm juggling right now is making my mind do 'loop de loops'!!! and i'm even reading *gasp!* a fiction book!! (Da Vinci Code)

A few weeks back we went to see Batmin Begins. . xlnt movie by the way. . . and we saw a preview for 'DaVinci Code'. . . some big names, the biggest one i remember was Tom Hanks. . so that makes we wanna see the movie right off the bat. So, I become curious about this rampantly distributed, hugely successful book. I'm way late in the reading of it by the rest of society's standards. . and i'm not sure why? maybe it was because i'd heard murmurings that it was 'sacrilegious'. Well, i decided that i would get it. . so scooped up a copy on sale at Chapters.

Ragamuffin Gospel is being loaned to me by Sherri, thanx hon! I'm about 3/4 of the way through that one. . Brennan Manning the author. Very, very touching and refreshingly honest book about this rebel priest's thoughts and experiences in church and with how he feels toward God. He feels like a scruffy, urchiny ragamuffin next to the grace of God. . and you know, as i read his thoughts i really identify and i think i'll go out after i'm done with Sherri's copy and I will buy my own so that i can mark it up like i do with almost every book i own!!!

Back to Da Vinci. . . what a page turner! I just bought the juicy 250 chapter pot boiler and i'm already more than halfway through it in less than 2 days. . in fact, i'm gonna cut this short so i can go read some more! Some of theories put forth in this book, i'm not sure how fictional this book is, in other words i wonder where this comes from and i'm kind of intrigued and also kind of perplexed and wondering about 'what is truth'. . . It kinda goes into religious 'taboo' territory, but certainly doesn't alter my beliefs in the trinity, salvation, judgement, etc. . Its got me wondering, but not shaken or doubting. .

Anybody read this one? any comments? I'm not gonna give anything away here just in case you haven't read it. .

books rock. . i love them. . .

i'm headin' for the rec room!

live 8

hey, are you watching Live8 today? i've been watching off and on - we're taping the thing on 2 tapes!! been doin' chores in between bouts of watching the excitement. . made some chicken satay stir fry for dinner - with nice orange jasmine rice. . . yum. that was really good. The hot chili flakes i put in it gave a nice bite, not to mention the fresh ginger, onion and garlic. . Rob's not a fan of spicy food, but i sure am! so that was good. hey, once in a while i poke Rob with a stick to see if he's still alive. . i periodically ask him to come up from his basement television watching sessions. . I want to go for a walk - its so lovely out there. when events like this come on the tube its hard to peel him off his la-z-boy chair. . grrrr.

ho ho!!! what's this? he's just come up here on his own!!!!! knock me over with a feather!!!
and he's puttin' dishes away. . i may faint. KKs gone to New York state with her b/f Joely, his bro Ryan and 2 more sets of friend couples, to see Dave Matthews band. . her only little holiday this summer (working full time to sock away the moola for this fall's living expenses. . her first year off campus!!) I'm sure she's havin' loads of fun!!? Lindsay and the kids were over earlier, they were bringing the van back to us after borrowing it to go last night to see the Canada Day fireworks, which they didn't end up seeing cuz the kids were tired and cranky. The fair at the park was crappy, she was saying. . so they went to Sportsworld to the arcade. So, they didn't stay here long today, just long enough for James and Eri to jump on the mini tramp and have a drink of milk. . and get hugs and kisses from Nana and Opa!! We love to see them!!

so, i'm not terribly talkative. i have a bit of a headache. . blah. the new People mag is on the table here by the computer. The headlines declare : Engaged! HOW TOM PROPOSED. . her ring, his secret plan, Katie wants kids, details of a scientology wedding. . . oh my. the media is goin' nuts with this odd couple lately. I'm scratching my head over it. Speaking of Tom Cruise. . . saw War of the Worlds last night. Spielberg spared no expense obviously with the effects. It was a fairly decent movie, some suspense to be had. . i've seen better and i've seen worse. . acting was pretty good. .

well, have a great rest of the weekend folks, its a lovely one! later. . .

twizzlers and diet coke

you know, i was sitting at my computer working away the other afternoon and i was wanting a snack. . not much didn't wanna spoil my supper! So, i went downstairs and fished out some Pringles light (5 whole chips!) 4 strawberry twizzlers (licorice) and a can of diet coke with lime.

I sat at my desk working, eating my snack and i started to think of what i did with twizzlers when i was a kid. . . . i used them as a straw!!! guess what i did? yep! i put 1 in my can of diet coke and slurped away. . it took me right back to my childhood and all the goofy things i did with food and various other objects!

let's see. . where to begin. .

*ripple chips were eaten 1 ridge at a time.
*ice cream was stirred into ice cream soup (my sisters and i had tons of fun with this!)
*ju jubes and other chewy, gummy type candies were pounded flat before eating
*mashed potatoes were formed into pools for gravy, peas were thrown in.
*chewed gum was held tightly between the teeth and pulled as far away from the mouth as possible.
*shoestring licorice was tied into humungous knots before eating.
*kit kat chocolate bars were eaten in layers
*bags of potato chips were pounded in crumbs before eating, then the bag tipped to your mouth to pour in the crumbs.
*cadbury crunchie bars were licked clean of chocolate and the sponge toffee base eaten an inch at a time.
*orange segments were opened and individual juice sacs were burst between your thumb and index finger!
*'lola' flavoured ice triangles were sucked of all juice, leaving behind a block of white ice, which got chucked!
*a jawbreaker in the mouth was removed every few minutes to check which colour was visible.
*saltine crackers were sandwiched together with some butter, to see the butter ooze out of the tiny holes.
*all beverages were 'bubbled' with a straw!
*sugar cubes at church luncheons were eaten like candy
*pop fizz was listened to with fascination!

oh and it wasn't just food we played with. .

*my sisters held chemistry class on the bathroom counter. . everything and anything got mixed in a bowl just to see what would happen!
*i operated a pastry shop out of my wooden sandbox. . the bench-like seats were my cooling racks.
*dandelion stems were spliced together to make chains and necklaces.
*chestnuts were stripped of their outer husks to reveal the smooth brown nut beneath, depending on your gender they were either smashed with a hammer *boys* , thrown at your enemies *boys again!* or made into necklaces (girls) we'd take them home, get our dads to drill a hole through them and thread them on a shoelace.
*flower petals were removed 1 at a time while chanting "he loves me, he loves me not"
*Reciting the alphabet while twisting your apple stem (to find the initial of your boyfriend's name)
*blades of grass were made into palm whistles.
*bikes were placed upside down and the pedals wound really fast then let go. . .don't know why? just to watch things spin??
*golf balls were taken apart to see the rubber guts inside
*maple seed pods were spun like helicopters
*"puff balls" were puffed (a type of fungus that release spores in a cloud of dust when squeezed). If you found one of these on the school ground you were a celebrity!
*I put blobs of Elmers white glue on the palm of my hand, let the air dry it a bit, then rolled it into a ball and squashed it into a pliant white glue pancake.
*sewing needles were painlessly stuck through the most superficial layer of your fingertip skin, to the amazement of all!

Why do we lose this fun in our lives?!!! do you ever wonder? I was thinking about that as i ate my fun little snack.

Anyway, my lunch time is over, back to work. .
My diet coke has a twizzler straw sticking out of the can! heh heh!!! (i had so much fun with this that i decided to do it again today before the licorice sticks got eaten up).

yeah, the 'c-word' again. . . last time i promise.

my friend Sherri commented on my 'what's it all about' post. . i took her comment to heart and began to write this out, cuz i respect that she cared enough to want the 'ideal' to emerge when it comes to 'church'. I want that too.

I love the church - worshiping God by being in community with other people, accepting one another - all 'one anothers' not just select ones. I think that one of the things a 'church' is supposed to be is a learning place, we learn together how to get along with God and with each other. Community and acceptance is no mystery, or maybe it is? cuz it seems to elude some of us. Worship also seems to elude us, maybe we really don't understand it? *though we have no shortage of celebrities or heroes or people on pedestals who seem to do the trick for us*

I think it means holding someone in awe, praising them or being speechless, overwhelmed even at the thought of them. Its unflagging devotion and passion, being completely given over to, having all my thoughts centre on and all my time and energy used up on that singular focus. You know if i really think about it, the only one i worship like that is myself. . . So, have i ever worshiped God at all? or was 'me' always lurking behind the proper facade? what i could get out of it? have i had truly genuine relationships with others? *i think its hit and miss. . . i try, but sometimes i fail or maybe they fail, or we all do*

Its time for honesty. I think if every church member would grit their teeth and brace their hearts and fess up to this same predicament, we'd see that 'self' is this huge dragon in need of slaying. God knows it is. i behave like a member of some colossal dysfunctional family because that's what I am. We're all members, whether we are in the "family" currently or whether we have become estranged from it and found some place else to belong.

Once upon a time someone drew this great picture of church and its stuck in my mind. The 'church' should be like a bunch of white hot coals all heaped up and gathered together - their closeness maximizes their burning power. You take a piece of coal out of this pile and put it off to the side, it loses heat until it is cold. Take another out, and another. . cold, cold, cold. What happens if the whole bunch is cold?, not heaped or gathered, just all separated and inactive. . live coals get extinguished, cuz there is no nurturing of the spark, no flame - . that's not church. .that's death. I don't want to be that way. . . i long to be a member of a heaped up, live place. . i wanna be a hot coal but i'm afraid sometimes that this is only a dream. Its a dream that dominates all my thoughts and i actually cling to this strength of belief that there is a place like this somewhere. . .


You know, i think that people, churches can be fooled into thinking they're full of life - and maybe they are, but what kind? Captain Danielle Strickland of the Salvation Army once talked about the difference between the 2 kinds of life. . . 'bios' --Greek for physical, breathing, blinking, you have a pulse - you exist and "zoe" which means "Spirit" life. . . the invisible, deepest part of what makes you 'you' is contagiously ALIVE, way beyond existence to plenty --more than enough for you and plenty for others to soak up. Now we're talkin'. That's my kind of life and church.

Can God's people be this way? Can i be this way? Transcendently and purely attractive? Flowing over zoe life? There is this giver of life among us . . you've seen his work, so have i -- we're surrounded by it. He's a starkly and thunderously powerful being whose presence causes seismic shifts but he's got this great, bleeding heart of love for humanity. He holds the time/space continuum -- his voice activates atoms, protons, electrons. His fingertip touch sets off stellar winds and solar flares -- can i dare to approach his greatness with my knees knocking and my mouth like cotton? but this is not just God, He's my God - he planned my life before i was ever born. He did the same for you. He knows our condition. His mercy leaked all over the world when the broken body of Jesus bled for our calamity. He is our God. Can we dare to love him? I could kick myself for the years i wasted, my heart encased is concrete, my spirit lay shriveled and gasping within my self-absorbed soul. How little did i risk and do for him because i was frightened of uniting with his soul claiming, spirit igniting, body shaking presence? I wanted control, i cherished my foolish independence. I was sick but i thought that i was fine. I was afraid to know him, and afraid to encounter the raw, aching hearts and dying spirits all around me. How much easier to throw tokens at their misery, never touching it or taking it into my heart to feel it? Even worse i ignored them by pretending that the world was tiny, with a pleasing little orbit of my choosing, safe, predictable. But desperate times came and were followed by desperate prayers and much needed rescue. I don't know why i couldn't get it before, but there's something about hard times that softens the hardest heart and gives zoe life to near dead spirits. So, now how can i keep this great news within myself? I would never hesitate to tell everyone i know about a diet that works or a killer recipe or a bargain at "liquidation world". I should take out a full page ad in the paper!! His love is more fantastic than an 80% off sale. . its better than winning the lottery, its better than chocolate (i agree with Sarah McLachlan!) Even so, do i even know how to handle such love, much less contain it? I've maybe poked at this love, to examine it, even touched it with my fingertips and been content - maybe even thought that was all that i could ever ask for. Still there's always this part of me that holds back from embracing him. If i can only give out what i receive, no wonder God seems small and unreal in the eyes of the searching ones. Its time to receive more.

so this morning i was sitting out on my deck alone. . having 'church'. . ha ha! this is my way these days. . i don't know if its 'right' but I know that i have a lot more time to think these days not going through the Sunday motions all dead inside. I'll never go back to that. So yeah i'm on my deck. The trees are rustling in the wind. . i hear neighbours doing yard work, life is all around me, the yard is serenely beautiful - green vines climb the trellis behind me, the umbrella shades me from the sun and i'm reading my Bible like it was food and i was starving - taking in the book of Romans in the new testament. I was just talking in my head to God and i was staring at the roof line of my house. I noticed the connections to the nearby telephone pole. I saw the hydro lines running their course along the street and i noticed the connections of my house hooked up to this main line which supplied my home. I started to think about all the things i couldn't do without that connection. I thought of what life would be like without it and i didn't like that thought. Cut off, without power, cold in the winter, too hot in the summer, hungry cuz i'd have no way to keep food, no light to see, no way to get clean. . not connected to the network that supplies all the power i need to live. That was better than a million sermons. . i got it. that was cool.

Well, i've gotta stop . . my thoughts are always going 'runaway train' on me! but i'm still holding out hope for being part of a family again, a church one. . maybe i'll find some 'hot coals'?! maybe it will be nothing like what i thought. . i don't know. . . but i'll keep you posted.

longest day of the year!!!

June 21 is the summer solstice. . day of the year with the most sunlight!! i wonder how many weirdos may gather at Stonehenge today to re-enact the pagan dances and celebrations of the day?! First day of summer. . . ahhhh. . .

summer is so freeing. . the layers of clothing come off. . which itself is great, cuz you actually get to feel the air on your skin without it becoming numb!! You have to have worn a stupid winter coat for months in the frozen tundra to appreciate shedding it!!! Feeling a warm breeze, the marvel of wearing sandals or the gloriousness of lounging on the deck, looking at the sky without having your vision obscured by the mist of your own breath! Sure the sun fries unprotected skin in a matter of minutes. . . and the smog alerts are coming thick and fast. . yeah, we saturate ourselves in DEET mosquito repellent to avoid West Nile and of course the bugs attack us should we decide to dine al fresco. . . but its summer. . this is the price we pay for going around in our convertibles, swimming outdoors, firing up the barbie. Still wouldn't trade it, would we?

This summer i have many chores to do and i'm hoping that we will get some canoeing in?! i want to buy a sandbox for the grandkiddies and a swingset. . What i REALLY want is a gigantic trampoline!!!!! maybe i'm having a midlife crisis?? i want to be able to go outside on my break and jump like a kid on my very own trabampoline (Homer Simpson's hilarious!!!) anyone see the 'trabampoline' episode?!!! classic! My killjoy husband says "Where are we gonna put it when the summer's done?" oh, i don't know *I'm tempted to say 'Up your butt and around the corner." as he's sometimes fond of saying to me* but my response is "How about in between the shed and the fence?? no, sez Rob, its too big for there. D'oh!!! I hate when he's the serious one. . its such a reversal! So that's out. . . I'd also like a pool too! but 'realistic Robbie' is nixing this refreshing idea by citing the potential filter clogging potential of the nearby foliage and i don't give a crap about that. . cuz as Lindsay says "that's what they make those scoopy thingies for" excuse #2 from Rob is "it'll take up the entire back yard." no it won't!!! and all its used for now is for the dog to poo on.. and the grandkids to run around on (hopefully not in the poo). . *sigh!* excuse #3 is: 'its only operational for 3 months out of 12.' (okay he has a point there), but so?! can't those 3 months be spent in the pool? Excuse#4 " It'll cost a fortune to fill it and operate it." yeah, yeah. . . i hate this last excuse the most, cuz its the one that keeps the pool in the store and out of our yard. . oh well. . Robbie and his excuses win. We do have a pool, however -- its purple, 6 inches deep and has googly eyes and elephant ears. We bought it for James when he was little. . . he used to scream "NO, NO NO!!!!!" every time we tried to put him in the stupid thing. .*gee, I wonder why?!* who designs these things?? so "Ella" has never been used! It sits behind our canoe, gathering spider webs and catching grass clippings. . I think maybe its time for her debut? Hopefully Eri won't be spooked by a giant purple elephant face pool??

hmmm. . what will i do to commemorate the longest day of the year??? going to pick strawberries in the evening would be nice. . . but we bring home sooo many berries and then i have to find room in the fridge and the herculean task of sorting the mushies from the firms, washing the jam berries, then sterilizing all the rings, lids, jars for the jam and making the jam and pouring it and filling up the basement freezer with the jars, and then turning my attention to the others and making the pies and sorting the 'eating berries'. . . . .ohmigosh. . you gotta psych yourself up for that marathon!!! makes me tired just thinking of it. . maybe i should get to bed now, so that i can wake up on time to get up and at 'em, to make the most of the hopefully gorgeous day? Of course it will be beautiful, cuz its a work day and as our youngest daughter, KK is discovering as a full time worker. . . every flippin' work day is gorgeous, fantastic, beauteous, marvellous and where are we full time workers on these splendiferous days??? we're indoors working!!! BAAAAAHHH!! the weekends roll around, whaddya got? clouds, clouds, rain, overcast conditions, partly sunny to cloudy, drizzle and yes, more clouds!!! its like some cosmic joke and we ain't the ones laughing.

anyway. . have a great day!! do something commemorative. . . have a picnic supper or maybe bbq it, go mini golfing, go to DQ, throw the frisbee, play badminton, go for a sunset drive. . .

that's it for me. . i'm beat! 'night!!! (*I mean morning*) everyone!

and now for something completely different!

175 solid kilograms of Cadbury's delicious milk chocolate. . .
over 1000 hours in the forming. . .
Madame Tussaud's finest artists set aside their wax and went beserk!

yes! i'm talking about a chocolate statue of . . . . . .Sir Elton John! Its eerily realistic. . pretty much like Elton with a toasty tan! but perhaps a tad too glossy with the satiny sheen of carnuba wax covering his ample chocolateyness. http://www.eltonjohn.com/now/news/news.asp

What's next, chocolate Prince William? chocolate Donald Trump? In fact, why not get rid of the wax dummies and just go 'chocorama'?!!!

you know what's really odd? they took pictures of Elton's 'husband' posing with his partner's chocolate doppelganger. . oh boy.

so yeah, that's surreal but delicious! I love Cadbury's chocolate. Do you think they can trust the security? the general public? i would imagine that climate control is important for this particular work of art!

what's this world coming to? Elton's been immortalized in chocolate, he's writing show tunes and now he's doing Vegas?????!!!!!! what happened?????!!!!!! My friend, Ally http://www.supersimbo.blogspot.com was talking about Elton the other day. . so Elton seems to be in the news with the chocolate effigy and the Vegas gig, etc. Where's that prolific tunesmith? the hands that played Bennie and the Jets, Empty Garden, Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, the voice that sang "Someone Saved My Life Tonight", "Don't Let The Sun Go Down on Me", "Tiny Dancer". . . is singing the papish "Circle of Life". . . . oh Elton. . . . and now Vegas? I used to admire you so!!! I once bought a custom made E.J. sparkly t-shirt! I put your pictures on the side of my wardrobe!! I listened obsessively to Captain Fantastic!!! You WERE Captain Fantastic!! I read the album's comic book insert a million times! I read and read and re-read your lyrics. . . you were right up there with Chicago and The Bay City Rollers for me!!!

Elton, you've gone old, squidgy and all bland and toothless. . there's no more bite to your songs!!! I know you don't need the money. . but come on!!!! throw me a frickin bone here! why not kick it for old time's sake?! use your lucky pencil, stand on your head. . tell Bernie to get with it. . come on Sir Cadbury Chocolot -- you can do it!!!

what's it all about?

i kinda debated writing this, but the compulsion was strong, so here i am. If you've read a few of my blog entires, you know that i like to keep things on the light side, that i love to find the humour in life. This post, i'm not sure now what it will shape up to be, but i guess it will be me attempting to take a lifetime of familial and societal conditioning, pick it in up, turn it around and try to see if from all angles. I welcome you to share your own experiences, your thoughts, your critiques. The subject? CHURCH.

I hear voices *maybe its the blog etiquette fairies*? in my head saying "don't write a therapy blog", "don't get personal", "don't write a 'this is my day' blog" don't, don't don't. . . . so i'm rejecting those labels and turning a deaf ear to those voices and i will do, do, do what i like! here goes. . .

do you ever get to the point in your life where you start really thinking about things? about why you do the things you do? do you take a long, hard look at your motives? Have you ever felt like one of Pavlov's dogs? dingdingding!!! SLOBBER, DROOL. My focus is admittedly narrow here, its only 1 word - but its a word fraught with layers of meaning wrapped in layers of mystery - an enigma, a riddle. what IS it? where is it? who is it? and why??? We could totally play 'word association games' till the cows come home with this word. . let's have a go! church = boring, church = conformity, church = hymns, church = community, church = hypocrisy, church = social club, church = charity, church = building. . .

i grew up in church, me and my sisters were taken to church by our parents. In my early days church was : our mother drawing little stick figures on a notepad to 'keep us quiet' in church. . it was plastic containers filled with cheerios, shreddies etc. to keep us quiet, it was dressing up in uncomfortable clothes and sitting on hard pews and being made to keep quiet. I always felt that we had to leave our 'real selves' in the parking lot on Sunday mornings. Not just us kids, but grownups too. Sunday mornings in our house were chaotic! I hated them. Our parents were stressed, we kids didn't want to dress up or miss cartoons, there was yelling! there were tantrums a generally rotten mood pervaded the house. One Sunday morning i had my 'church clothes' on, i had my little Bible in hand, whose cover depicted a smiling Jesus and happy children and I made the mistake of saying to my mother : "I HATE GOING TO CHURCH!" what I really meant was "Why isn't our family like the cover of my Bible?" I hated that it wasn't. What she seemed to hear was: "I'm a chromosomally deficient axe murderer in the making" I got the biggest spanking - we went to church, but I could barely sit down for the throbbing sting. . ouch! You know what that taught me? Honesty will be punished. The notion that i wasn't acceptable seeped into my young soul and to this day i still feel that way, at least in regards to many of the authority figures in my life.

When i got older i went through my 'i don't give a crap' stage. . i know its tedious, how many stories of teenaged rebellion must there exist? As a member of my church i had done my stint of jumping through hoops, i was involved in the things that young church members were expected to be involved in. Sometimes I felt like a trained seal. But sometimes I had moments where the hoops faded into the background along the expectations and judgement and I had glimmers of THE 'who' and 'why' of church, Him. . . God. My mind was so young but sometimes i had these peeks behind the facade and I really, really believed that Jesus was so loving and good. I remember being at summer camp -- music camp-- when i was young. I was so glad to be away from the 'stuff' at home. Here i could have fun, SWIM, live in community with lots of other kids and eat dill pickle chips and coffee crisp bars every day! We had chapel meetings on Sundays at camp, and we learned about the Bible every day. . i have to say that i didn't fully appreciate this, i was too busy being immature! But on the Sunday the camp leader talked to us about God, about Jesus and the Holy Spirit. He was really good at speaking to kids. I was actually listening.. and suddenly i was aware of my own badness, hey it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that we are all fighting the 'dark side of the force'. . ha ha!! but for the first time I was helped to understand that God still loved me in spite of this. I didn't know what that felt like, i thought God was like my mother who only seemed to tolerate me when i fulfilled all their conditions or when the wind was blowing in a favourable direction. So you know, my heart was kinda bursting outta my chest, thinking about a love like that! I decided that i loved God, even though i couldn't see him and I wanted to belong to him. It was a rare moment, quite overwhelming and I think if i had not been there at the moment in time, I might never have known God and I might not have come through the ups and downs of my life with my faith worn, but intact. When the end of that week at camp arrived, back home i went. The drive home was hard. . my mother's 'dark mood' polluted my newly found heart. Maybe she didn't want me to come home, i reasoned. Finally we got home and her mood had not improved one iota, yelling and screaming at all of us, about what? i can't remember. . i was wishing that i could go back to camp to live and i had this picture of Jesus that I pushed in front of her face and screamed 'WHAT ABOUT JESUS?!!" Honestly, i draw a blank after that. I don't know what she said. I cannot remember. I was too young to understand the complexities of her mental pathology, other than it was horrible to live with and confused us girls and i'm sure it confounded our father. Jesus was my champion. I didn't know it, but I was seeing hypocrisy and even sickness in action and maybe because of that i was amazed at how my new feelings for someone I couldn't see or touch or for that matter fathom could help me through the quicksand of family life and in fact every part of my life.

I thought once thought that church was a building. I thought it was about being quiet and pretending that you're someone other than yourself, "Sunday smile", "Sunday clothes", "Sunday behaviour", it didn't jive with the rest of the week!! I thought it was about not going to a store on Sunday, not doing yard work on a Sunday, in fact we children were ordered to rest on our beds after lunch on Sundays. We could not go outdoors, we could not raise our voices. geez louise. . .Sunday "day of rest" to the 'nth' degree. Later i went through the stage when I thought it was a set of rules about clothing and 'deportment', it was about what not to do, not swearing, not drinking, not gambling, not going to movies, not dancing, not wearing jewelry or makeup ad nauseum. Some of these 'no nos' were good for me and I am even grateful for them, but others are preposterous, man-made rules. I thought church was about music, learning to play a brass instrument, singing, going to rehearsals, having musical programs with other church musicians. I guess when i think of all the things I thought church was. . i was thinking what i was told to think and there was no room for independent thought, thinking was to be done in the box and in the box only. IN THE BOX!!!!

There's probably lots more i could expand upon, but i think thats sufficient without belabouring. So, fast forward . . . today is Sunday and now, today this is what I think church is: people and God. that's 'the church'. . simple. its living together through everything, lending your "everything" to others - your hands, your heart, your mind, your money, your time, your compassion, your talents, your tears, your will and having them do that back to you; binding you all together is God. You all make this circle. Does it sound cheesy? I don't want it to. Its not about exclusivity, about creating a counter culture so far removed from reality that it cannot possibly lend anything to anyone but people like themselves. . . its not about rules, though life rules are necessary, but rules without love are like iron shackles -- why did Jesus have to die to free us, if we were meant to turn around and chain each other? are we saying that we know better than He does? oh, i'm getting long-posted, as usual. When i started to write this, i had no idea of what i was getting into!!! I was even gonna scrap it, cuz i think that I had definitely bitten off more than i could chew. . but i hope that it made some sort of sense.

Here are just a couple of examples about what I think church can be:
*giving some money to a dirty, legless, fingerless, stump handed man and getting a hug and a kiss on the cheek in return.
*going over to a neighbour's house and having a one on one talk.
* sponsoring a child
*having your heart broken by someone else's sorrow.
*doing a kind thing for no other reason than you want to.
*sitting still and talking to God

what do you think about church? good experiences? bad? indifferent?? how has it shaped you? hurt you? built you up? what is it to you?

dream, dream dream dream!!!

Yeah, the Everly Brothers write good songs. . and i can hear their dreamy little ditty circling around in my mind's ear now. .

my post is not of the romantic type though and more of the 'pipe dream' or 'day dream' variety. My conscious dreaming has morphed a lot over the years! When i was a girl i used to have these crazy fantasies that many if not all of my own perceived shortcomings could somehow miraculously disappear and i would suddenly be endowed with astounding abilities, eliciting 'oohs and aahs' from all those who normally would a) not even notice me or b) make fun of me or c) critizie me. . my dreams were always 'i'll show them'. . Its crazy. . . okay, i've always been a bit awkward -- i was a 'back row girl' in the class pictures every year (tall). I wore cat-eye glasses! (geek), i was 'bookish' (hopelessly kinetically challenged - with 2 exceptions: swimming and badminton) my mother cut my hair (i can't find a word for that!!! perhaps "traumatized"??) this woman had a nonexistent esthetic. So, yeah, I was taller than all other girls in my classes up until maybe grade 5? until the hormones kicked in i was often called a 'boy' by any and all substitute teachers, like i said - cat eye glasses, i wore home made clothes (and not good ones, folks -- I was at the mercy of the fabric sales at Woolworth's) i couldn't play any kind of sport to save my life - i would pull any and all tricks in the book to get out of gym class and i used words like "goody" and "gee". . . *oi* (In grade 4, Valerie Sitnik, God bless her cotton socks, told me that "Nobody says 'goody', so if you want to be cool you'd better stop saying it.") I owe her a debt i cannot pay. . . So, you see why i had this rich fantasy life???

I would often fantasize that i was little, petite, cute, all the boys liked those kind of girls. . I pictured having flouncy, blonde hair instead of home do 'pixie cuts' that made me look like some prepubescent Liza Minelli. . When i couldn't get out of gym class and they made me do gymnastics for instance. . my day dreams would take over. . so i had parents who never enrolled me in anything, no gymnastics, no team sports, no skating lessons - my 'lessons' consisted of my father pushing me across the bumpy outdoor rink on dull swap table specials. I always had a bike, which the older neighbourhood kids taught me to ride by taking me to the top of the street and pushing me! i only learned to swam cuz it was part of our school curriculum. You get the picture. So, gym class, there are mats on the floor, there are expectations. . . other girls are doing 'round offs' and tumbling moves - (the cute, little ones) my palms are sweaty because the teacher expects me to do what i've never been taught to do, and what my body was incapable of doing!! It was absolutely horrible. . i had no grace, i could not do the arm swoops and the deer-like leaping. . i was a bull in a friggin' china shop!!! it was utter humiliation. So, after receiving some good, sound heckling i went home and thought "Wouldn't it be great if i could show them?" I could see myself in my little dream bubble. . executing a floor routine that made the teacher applaud madly and made the cute ones stare respectfully and open-mouthedly. It was nice while it lasted. By the time i got to high school, track suited, clipboard carrying, whistle-blowing, middled aged women still expected me to do things with my body that i was not programmed to do. . only now i had the added humiliation of performing these distasteful tasks in a blue, puff-sleeved 'gym romper'!!! and the piece de resistance: white gymnastic booties!! Our high school was big - we had a couple of gyms - so we were made to change in the upstairs locker room, then run down stairs to the main floor gym. . Of course we then had to walk down a hallway. . and the whistles and screams made our cheeks burn and our psyches churn!! horror! I had daydreams of burning the romper, breaking my limbs, going to Siberia, you name it. I used the 'girl problems' excuse until my credibility lapsed. . hey, what can i say? i tried!

I was still tall, amazonian and no less awkward. I couldn't do a balance beam routine to save my life, though they forced me to. Uneven bars? those belonged in some medieval castle's dungeon as far as i was concerned. Floor routine? I still had nightmares over that!!! the ONLY thing i could do was vault and only in the most lumbering, rudimentary way imagineable. My gym marks were nothing to write home about. Eventually I experienced the elation of dropping gym from my course load. . Hallelujah! burn the yellow and green uniform, burn the gymnastic bloomer and booties! Now THAT was a dream come true!!!

my other day dreams were, of course, about boys. . . i grew up in an era where young girls' dreams were summed up in the school yard rhyme : "_________ and _____ sittin' in a tree k*i*s*s*i*n *g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes ________ with a baby carriage." So that was my dream. I day dreamed at school and I day dreamed at summer camp. . the dream was the same: 1. be noticed. 2. go steady -- i couldn't get much past that point, nor could i get past my old demons: "I'm ugly and my mother dresses me funny." How i wished that i could be like my lovely, bird-like camp friend, Julie Johnson. . Her clothes were perfect, she got to wear jeans (my home-made plaid bell-bottomed pants seemed positively elephantine next to Julie's straight leg "Lees") my big feet and broad shoulders stood out in stark contrast to her daintiness. She had soon snagged a guy and i, of course, did no such thing.. . they held hands, they went to canteen together. . i dreamed of someone being my camp boyfriend, someone to sit beside at camp fires, someone to hold my hand. d'oh. . sometimes its easy to lose hope, lose your dreams. . It took a few years, but guess what? I finally started to be noticed, one season i had to choose between 3 guys. . and i shamefacedly say that i juggled all three the same week!!! the next year i met this guy who turned my legs to jell-o and made my heart palpitate. . and i didn't have to dream any more, cuz this one was different and he thought i was lovely and delicate (his feet were bigger and his shoulders wider) he was TALLER!!! i didn't have to wear flats!! he noticed me and he wanted to 'go steady' with me. . and you know what? we just celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary last month!!! First came love, then came marriage, then came Kathy with a baby carriage!

I still day dream but its gone down hill, man!!! I have ceased to dream about back hand springs and being noticed by boys. I don't dream of burning my gym bloomers any more, i dream of burning my mortgage!!! now THAT'S a dream!

i love air conditioning

ahhhhhhhhhhhh. . . . . . cool air . . . . what a great thing it is.
grrrrr. . . living in Southern Ontario . . . . what a humid place!

well, i should prob just count my blessings, eh? cuz i'm sure there are many hotter, more humid places on this earth! right?! rainforests for one!

we're havin' a teeny bit of a 3H wave "hot, hazy and humid". . everything's wilting and baking in the brutal sun - which reminds me to go out and water my droopy flowers.

not feelin' especially chatty at the moment *are you relieved?!!* ha ha!!!

just wanna say that i love central air. Its an asthmatic, hayfever sufferer's best friend. the 3H days are indoor days for this girl! i hate the feeling of not being able to breathe well. I'll consider resurfacing next Wednesday when the weather dude says it'll be back in the low 20s temp-wise. till then. . windows are shut and air is on!

caffeine, cat fights and insomnia. . .

its 10 minutes to 2 in the a.m. i'm weary but my tossing and turning in that 'oven' that's passing for a bedroom. I'm no closer to lapsing into anything that resembles sleep. my 'el cheapo' husband refuses to put on the central air so soon in the season! oh come on, its the first week of June and today is wiltingly humid. . . though he hasn't checked filters, etc. on the unit, so gotta suffer 2nite anyway. otherwise i'd defiantly crank that baby up!!! Maybe the 3 cans of diet coke consumed around the supper hour have something to do with my current state? i consumed them before 8 p.m., which is my usual 'caffeine cut off time'. . or it might even have been the small slice of espresso/bittersweet chocolate cake that we had in honour of Rob's birthday! our windows are open and the little, tiny bugs smaller than the screen holes are buzzing around and biting me! to top it all off. . there's a wicked cat fight going on outside our bedroom window. . .

gahhhhhh!!!!

so i'm lying in the dark, flipping my pillow to the 'cool side'. . which soon becomes the 'warm side' and this could go on indefinitely! everything's clammy and icky. . but my mind is in high gear. . thinking a million and one thoughts - which often seems to be my biggest problem -- shutting down the brain!!! How is that done? I've never been good at that and have consequently battled insomnia since childhood!!! Back before 24 hour television, all that used to be on in the wee hours was teletyped weather information scrolling across an otherwise blank screen, or cameras focusing on barometers, clocks, etc. I used to sit in front of the TV and watch test pattern!. Can you GET any more desperate??! now all that's on is infomercials. . i don't even both checking any more. . i don't need what they're selling.. . though if they were selling sleep, i'd phone in for that.

Today is Rob's 44th b'day! I've been celebrating b'days with him since he was 16. . unbelievable and wonderful!! We had a family supper earlier this evening. . it was great, sticky fun. . though everyone was a bit irritated from the heat!!! Today we're both off work - a nice b'day for Robbie. . i'll probably be sleeping all day!!! ha ha. . nah. . its only 2:15 now, i've stayed up that late many a time, then got up at 7:45, to start work, which for me is about as early as it gets. People who wake at 5 or 6 a.m. part of me is awed by their ability and part of me says "is there a 5 a.m.? what does a sunrise look like?" i wake up every day and the sun's up there already. . the world's been going full tilt and i'm perpetually tardy! oh well. . . God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change. .

well, i'm goin' crazy here with these miniscule pests. . they're attracted to light of the computer screen. i've probably smushed a good 20 of them into oblivion. summer's over rated, man! YUCK!! anyway, i think i'll give the pillow wrestling another go. . the cats have either killed themselves or called it a draw. .all's quiet on the western front and i'm yawning, that's a good sign, right? now if i can just de-active my brain!
wish me luck!!!

hey ya!!!

Saturday is a grrrreat day of the week! They're actually fabulous, Saturdays are, cuz they are THE day that allows me to lollygag if i want to, or multi-task if i want to do that! Today was half and half!! Sleeping in is part of the lollygaggin', natch!! ahhhh, sleeping in. . though when one stays up till 2 a.m., sleeping till 9:30, 9:45 is hardly sleeping in really, right?! ha!

cleaning is always something that needs to be done. i have this love/hate thing going on --i love it when things are clean, but i don't like to DO the cleaning! I actually did lots and lots today -- laundry, folding of the laundry, cleaning windows, cleaning the fridge, doing the weekly 'throw out' of any icky things that may be lurking in the back of the fridge. . . blech! though i try to use the food up before it turns icky. ohmigosh!!! you won't believe what i'm hearing now through the screened sliding door here. . . somebody's singing 'opera'! actually, i think its a kid just goofin', but it sounded amazingly like some sort of diva doing her warm-ups!!! heh heh. . . hilarious! So, i worked out today, had visits from our oldest dau, Linds, and our beloved little grandkiddies, Jimmy and Eri!! I LOVE them to pieces. . James was hugging his Opa today and he suddenly announced : "I love everyone in the world, except aliens." we laughed our heads off!!!! That's not the first time he said that, Lindsay says. You know what? i hate that kids lose that sweetness as they age. . it happens i know, but i wish it didn't have to! especially boys. . it seems to be a 'rule' that boys must suppress that sweetness and be all rough and ready so that they don't get teased and made fun of. blah! I hug this boy every chance i get, cuz pretty soon he won't want me to!!!

When the kiddies first arrived here, we hung out downstairs and Jimmy jumped on my little mini trampoline and watched "Mighty Machines"! we had fun. . Eri came along and so i popped a Disney "Under The Sea" sing-a-long in the VCR and James decided that he didn't want to watch that 'stuff' but you know, he became quite interested, though he hates it if you try to sing along. awww, that makes me sad. . he used to love it when anybody sang to him. Eri has the attention span of a gnat, so she was getting more thrills turning the dehumidifier dial . . on/off/on/off/on/off. . Then she toddled in to the 'music area'. . where our band is set up for practice, so that's an 'adult accompaniment' area for sure!

I was entertaining Eri at the drum kit, when i heard the opening strains of the Peter Pan song, "Never Smile At A Crocodile" , James bolted up the stairs screeching "I'm sooo out of here!" He is HILARIOUS. Next thing you know, who's sitting on the top step, peeking down at the TV?! You guessed it. . i guess his fascination overcame his fear?!

So the kiddies had some lunch while they were here, i was still in my Donald Duck night shirt and house coat. . what a SLOB! i don't care!!!! Its Saturday!!! After Lindsay and the kids walked home Rob went to get the groceries and i did more chores. . then worked out. I helped Rob put the food away when he got back, then i threw the cake together and got that in the oven. . when who should appear at the door but Glenn and Jonah!!! they were biking by and stopped for a little visit with me and KK. . . Rob was out scouring the grocery stores for some bittersweet chocolate and raisins (the 2 stupid things they didn't have in the store when he went for groceries earlier). We had lotsa fun with 1 year-old today, Jonah!!! He's very good natured and of course adorable! Its great to see Glenn and Sherri as parents!!

So, yeah, we wanted to go see our sister and brother-in-law's new house, but its 7:30 p.m. and Rob's re-stringing his guitar, packing up our gear for our band's first gig in 9 months!!!!! (tomorrow afternoon!) which has turned out to be such a neat opportunity - we feel that God had a hand in bringing this about at a time when we sorely needed direction and it seems this is a little baby-step towards some kind of 'something' for us as a band?!

We watched "Revenge of the Sith" last night. . with KK and Joel, the last instalment of the prequel triology, which leads right back to episode 1 of the original triology! (which we have rented to 2nite!) Why did George Lucas do things backwards like this? not sure. . but it doesn't really matter cuz this made him a gazillionaire!!! Do you think that he was a nerdy kid?
i imagine him doodling when the teacher was talking, drawing pictures of 9 foot tall hairy 'wookies'. . and blob-like Jabba the Hut, C3po and r2d2 -- what a fertile imagination!!! nerds are brilliant.. .

So, its been a great day. Didn't get everything done that i wanted to but i'm not gonna let it concern me, cuz its Saturday!!!!! I hope you had great day too!!

and you think your job is bad?!!!

"Groom of the Stool". . . now there's a job for a Tudor gentleman -- wiping King Henry VIII's buttocks after he's done a #2. . HA HA HA. . . I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS WAS AN ACTUAL JOB!!! Yes, it really was! Tudor royalty was considered to be fleshly divinity - therefore not the least bit inclined to attend to mundane matters of personal hygiene. They wouldn't want those regal hands to become soiled, so they appointed someone to wipe up after they did their 'business', or administer enemas to take over where their steady diet of fatty meat left off.
Imagine the 'privilege' of navigating the rolls of the coruplent, kingly, 52 inch waisted girth? Work fit for for an aristocrat! Man, diapering a baby is gross enough and their bums are teeny and cute. **shudder**

Take this link into the disgusting anals of centuries' worth of England's worst jobs. . .http://www.channel4.com/history/microsites/W/worstjobs/index.html

ponder the fate of the tanner, the 'mudlark', the actor (yes actors were considered to be the lowest of the low), the workhouse prisoner, the bone grubber, the 'powder monkey', the rat catcher, the professional 'nit picker' and the violin string maker (sheep's intestines did not get shipped to the factory, the string maker 'harvested' and cleaned his own -- baaaaaad stuff!) The most bizarre one i think was that of 'professional hermit'! Wealthy Victorian mansion dwellers would employ a 'hermit' to live in a cave on their property. They were not to speak to anyone, not even to the servants who brought them food. . they were not permitted to bathe, groom themselves in any way, speak, interact with anyone and were not paid until 7 years' time had expired, at which point if they had not gone completely bonkers - they would receive a lump sum payment of 50 pounds for each year of hermitage!! The hermits would be required to 'perform' for company at their 'employer's' whim. . one such employer required his hermit to hold up a human skull and stare at it. .

Rob and I have been watching this History Channel series and it is positively enthralling. . I'm very thankful that we do not have 'smellivision'. . as the host's descriptions and reactions are so vivid that I am even beyond gratitude to downright relief.

You know what? I suddenly love my job!!!