Tonight i talked to Terri

Terri is a brave woman. She's my dance instructor. I've been getting to know her in bits and pieces over the last 3 dance sessions. She's one of those warm-spirited ones, has hugs for everyone. Everyone loves her because she's the kind of person you instantly take to and I did instantly take to her. I helped her pack up her sound equipment tonight after class. We did some great dancing tonight and for once each of us had lots of room to move - as she says when the class is small: "Tonight we are small but mighty, women!"

I listened to her share what was in her heart and i discovered how raw her grief still is just 1 year after her husband suddenly died. When I first signed up with the troupe, I couldn't believe that she was such a recent widow and was running this company, and working another job -- always on the go. I wondered if i had been in her shoes. . . would i keep going at full tilt after such a cataclysmic event? I suspect that I would be in a fetal position in bed with the blinds shut. I remember our very first conversation, the night i joined. She said to me "This group of women has literally kept me alive since Rod died." I was a newcomer and I could see what she meant -- what a network of all different ages of women, different walks of life -- they were such a closeknit community - Terri was the 'mother' and we were all 'her girls'. I've been gradually able to integrate with them and feel at home there.

"I feel bad for the girls." said Terri tonight as she packed away her headset mic and put away the power bar in her purple tote. "Some of them don't know why I had to step down." *Terri and her best friend, Darlene - our fabulous choreographer - are calling it a day as leaders. They've been at it forever and they need a change.* "I've felt bad" she said, as she stopped what she was doing and looked at me. "I love teaching, and its this great thing where i give, and everyone takes it and gives it back to me and its fabulous." I nodded in agreement. "But, you know, Kath - I'm not feeling like i have anything in me to give any more. Some days I can barely put one f***ing foot in front of another, never mind teaching a class and working a job and trying to stay away from that empty house as long as possible every day." Her words were heavy with grief. I think she really needed to vent, so I just listened . "You know how everyone tells you if you can make it through the first year then you'll be all right?!" I said "Yeah." "That's bullsh**" she said as she pulled her polar fleece over her head. "Sure, its slightly easier to function day to day, and you're kinda used to it. . . but there's this giant, gaping hole where your heart used to be. . . and after a year there's still a giant gaping hole where your heart used to be."

Terri has been running from her grief. . filling it all up with work and teaching and socializing. . . now its catching up with her. She talked about her grief counselor and how he's been helping her to see that she can't avoid or side step this process. . . she must go through it. As she pulled on her boots, she said "I've never been without a man in my life, since I was a teenager. Now its just me." I told her that I too have almost never been without a man in my life and I can't imagine it. I got brave and asked her "What's it like, Terri?" She actually said "You know, its kinda cool! I'm thinking, there are all these possibilities and I can go any direction I want, but you know, its also horribly terrifying at the same time."

You'd never know that all this was inside if you took her class. She's jokey and funny. She teaches a great class. Its easy to just dance and then leave. Usually there are women buzzing around her and its hard to talk, but tonight I'm glad I stuck around and waited for my turn. It was just her and I left in the gym and in just 10 minutes I was able to know exactly how she's dealing with things, what she feels, how she's doing. I'm sad that she and Darlene are done. . . but I really am so awed by her bravery, her strength and her honesty. I'm glad she entrusted me with even some of what's in her heart.

We walked out to the parking lot together and I helped her load her car, after which she gave me the biggest Terri-style bear hug and said "Hon, you've been such a joy, I'm so glad that you joined." I thanked her and told her that she was awesome and I meant it. She really is.

old school solutions

I own my mind, but sometimes even i don't know how it works! The other day i was working and most likely documenting either someone's myocardial infarction (heart attack), or chemotherapy protocol, maybe it was a psych consult, or the ever popular 'stomach problem'? I don't even know -- so many patients every day, it all blurs together! So, for some reason i can 'double track' -- do my job, plus think about everything else under the sun!!! So, like always, while i work my mind seeks diversion from the monotony of illness and so much technical jargon. . and i just started thinking about how when we were kids, my sisters and i used to feedtorn up strips of bread, raw, beaten eggs and milk to our dog, Blackie, when we ran out of Alpo! This was our parents' solution to put off a trip to the store! I wonder, was this good for Blackie?!!! What do you think?!!! So, I started to think of other 'make do' methods or ideas that either our family came up with to fix things, or stretch things, etc.

These are pretty old school things. . my time of reference here is the 60's and 70's. . some penny pinching practices that could seem pretty smart or pretty dumb. .some products that i haven't heard of in decades.

*Mecca ointment -- this smelly, goopy stuff came in an orange tin and always made an appearance if we had an infected wound, which we seemed to happen quite often with the 3 of us falling and scraping our extremities. We hated Mecca! It was like something from the 1800s.
*ketchup clinging to the bottle? We put a bit of vinegar in there, put the lid on, shook it up and used up the dregs.
*cod liver oil - yeah, this stuff was sold in different forms - i think?- our mother happened to choose the 'fish oil taffy'! YAY! Our grandmother probably told her to give this to us to stave off illness? I can still see us lined up in that moss green carpeted kitchen on Paradise Road and each ingest a whopping spoonful of thick, amber-coloured, fish guts molasses. (it was disgusting beyond words) We still got sick. . and we never saw that jar of sludge again! Thank you, God!
*broken crayons -- It seemed that large, megaboxes of crayons didn't stay intact very long. We would take the broken bits, remove the paper and put them in old muffin tins, heat them in the oven to melt, but not stir them. Then let them cool in the tins until they were hardened. We popped out the multi-coloured crayon pucks and had fun!!!
*chest cold? My Nana would make this witch doctory 'mustard plaster'. . slather it on our chest and cover this over with flannel. It heated up. . it stunk. . I don't even know if it did anything? but i had the displeasure of being mustard plastered!
*spoke flappers -- all the boys in our neighbourhood would affix playing cards to the spokes of their bikes wheels with clothes pins! Made this cool snapping sound as they rode around!
*caps -- if you were a kid without a cap gun in the 60s. . . all you needed was a stone! You placed your roll of caps on the sidewalk - pound each circle with a rock and POW! smoke and a flash! vvvvery exciting!
*cleaning windows -- for some reason, my mother and grandmother seemed to advocate the use of vinegar and water sprayed on the window, and they wiped this off with newspaper!!!???
*skipping dilemma -- If you wanted to skip and didn't have 2 turners. . . a telephone pole would do in a pinch!
*baking --- if you wanted to make some tarts and didn't have pie filling, or didn't want to make any filling . . . jam will always do the trick. If you wanted apple pie but only had green tomatoes, you could make them taste just like apple - apparently. *seems weird!* I have a 50s recipe book. . they were really into ersatz back them - maybe a WWII residual?
*game from a sewing box! -- girls in the 60s would regularly raid their mother's sewing baskets for packets of stretchy elastic cording. 2 'holders' stood across from each other holding the elastic at calf level. The jumper would have to jump over this elastic limbo line in any old way she wanted. Everyone would take their turn. Then the holders 'raised the bar' and so on and son on. .
*run out of milk? living on a shoestring? -- this was so gross, but mothers everywhere would mix up powdered milk, add some 'real milk' to fool us *AS IF!!!* and we would be made to drink this blue-tinged, icky-tasting pseudomilk. Sometimes there would be pasty bits of undissolved powder. UGH.
*mercurochrome -- this was a neon-pink tinture that was a MUCH cooler solution for scrapes and cuts than Mecca ointment!!! Of course, our mother didn't use this cool pink stuff, we got the crud in a tin that attracted stray dogs and insects! bah!
*silver all dark and yucky? No Silvo in the house? A tube of Crest would be the next best thing. When we had the cleaning of the silver chore, i remember using toothpaste!
*curlers too uncomfortable? Every Saturday night was get ready for Sunday morning time. We all had our freshly-washed hair wound up with these hard plastic 'rollers', affixed with these equally hard plastic pins. . try sleeping!!! strips of rags tied to your curls were much easier to sleep on - at least your head wasn't 2 inches off the pillow, forcing your neck at this weird angle. Being a girl back then was such a pain!
*new life for a ball game -- it was strangely popular to hack off one leg of a pair of your mother's pantyhose, place a small rubber ball in the toe - remember those tri-coloured, red, white and blue balls? and do these strange 'hitting the ball against the wall' games with this device!

Well, those are just a few things that came to me. I'm sure you have our own memories of things from your childhood, maybe things your parents did to economize, products you had in your house. I love thinking about the stuff that's in the recesses of my mind. . is that a sign of age-ing?!!!!!

how are you?

This post is about you. I usually talk too much anyway!!

How has your week been so far? Have you been working? having some days off? What have you been up to in your leisure hours? Any cleaning or fixing up? playing some music? studying? Anything you love on TV that you enjoy watching?!

Have you been well physically? emotionally? spiritually?

What do you think of the winter olympics? been keeping up? (me -- just minimally, very little)
Are you excited to think that spring isn't far away?!

What's your new favourite little thing these days? a tool. . a make up product. . . a favourite item, book, CD, fave breakfast cereal, etc.

Do you have any comforting winter rituals that you enjoy? like putting on your robe and slippers and curling up? maybe going out to do some kind of winter activity, then warming up afterwards?

How's your car behaving these days? good, i hope!!?

Are you cooking up plans for vacation time sometime during this year?

Seeing your friends? Entertaining?

Are you volunteering any place? thought about it? even donating blood or something? food for the food bank, etc? sponsoring a child in another country?

Seen any good movies at the theatre lately? Any on your must see 'big screen' movie list?
Rented any good ones?

Well, i'm kinda sleepy. . .so i'll sign off. . but I really hope that you're having a good week!

bye for now.
k

Eri Fairy

This is our little granddaughter, Eri. She just turned 2 on Feb 8. . . (this picture is a few months old) Today was a combination Valentine's Day bash and Eri's b'day bash!! We dined on chicken cordon bleu, twice baked potatoes, cauliflower with a cheese bechamel sauce and peas.






Dessert was a delicious chocolate/strawberry cream cake (made by Auntie KK!) decorated with little heart gummy candies circling the bottom and teeny heart-shaped sprinkles on top (which Erica called "baby candy") We had cranberry/raspberry sparkling juice and shortbread iced heart cookies with the most beautiful, large, red strawberries ever!

There were gifts: my little ponies, dora pj's, pretty clothes and shoes, bedding for her new bed, an artist's desk (she's really into drawing) even a big wheel from her Mommy and Daddy! We played with balloons and parachuted a sheet over the kids, which they found very exciting! Then we bounced balloons on top of the sheet and whipped them into the air. Mike wrapped the kiddies up in the sheet and carried them around the rec room like a shopping bag, which made them squeal with laughter. Who would think that a simple flat sheet could be so versatile and fun?! Finally, we put on fiddle music and danced!!! Lots of photo ops!

There were treat bags to take home, containing delicious Reid's chocolates, jelly beans, fruit leather, little toys, valentine's crazy straws and for the grown ups, Tim Horton's coffee shop gift certificates, picture frames, chocolate and candies PLUS beautiful carnations for the women!

All's quiet now. Linds, Mike and the kids are home, KK's gone dancing with her girlfriends, Mom's gone home and Rob is watching hockey. I read my book for a bit, but I'm sitting now at the computer, here in the dining room, and as I look around I smile , remembering our party and I smile as I take a good look around at the baby pink and white streamers criss crossing the room -- the centrepiece of pink tulips and candles on the table, clusters of pale pink, white and red balloons, tied with valentine ribbon hang from either end of the curtain rod and from the chandelier. Beautiful remnants, which I'll leave for at least another week, because I love decorations so much! We all had a lot of fun -- what a great day!! Eri's had her 2 celebrations in one week. We're not so sure she really understands being an age, we're not sure if she understands why all of a sudden she gets this big cake with candles and gifts?! But she was soaking it up! She enjoyed ripping the paper away from the parcels and taking the tissue out of the gifts bags to discover so many cool things! Oh, i'm enjoying these little honeys now while they still love to come to Nana and Opa's house!. A time will come when they will grow up and be busy with their friends, I know. I'm not wishing anything away. . . grateful for every hug and kiss and happy time we have!!!

As Valentine's Day approaches, I hope that you think of love and life and I hope that you celebrate like crazy !!!!! Pour it on like there's no tomorrow. 

love songs say so much

"I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow." That was going through my head while i was working this morning. Great little love song, don't know off hand who sings it? I thought about the words and i gradually started to become very impressed with them, really impressed. Of course its coming up to Valentine's Day, of which I am a HUGE fan!!! I start focusing on love and hearts and glorious sentimental stuff. I never really need to be nudged to do so. . .I'm pretty mushy every day of the year. Back to the love song -- You know, this one line says everything. I think its the most full of promise, optimistic, committed love song ever penned. For one thing it covers all time. . past, present and future! Not every love song takes the long view. It says that love is alive and increasing!!! How sweet is that?! Never lessening, going from 'good' (yesterday) to 'better' (today) to 'best' (tomorrow). Its the boldest declaration of love, outside of the Bible, that i think i've heard. I would even go as far as to suggest that its the 'gold standard' for all love-ers and love-ees, which would be the lot of us!! Who doesn't want someone to say that to them? and live that out with them? Ahhh, that's the stuff we want.

I thought about love and then tried to separate the romanticism from the essence of it. Not easy, but its do-able if you make a conscious effort and what did i end up with when i did that? Well, more questions!! They went something like this:

Is the essence or the 'guts' of love something i can have for everyone? is that even possible? If I'm leaving God out of it, no, its not. . 1 John 4:7&8 "Love comes from God and those who are loving and kind show that they belong to God and that they are getting to know him better. But if a person isn't loving and kind, it shows that he doesn't know God, for God is love." So if say yes i can love everyone, then why do i lock my heart up and give only some people the key? self protection? fear? trust issues? past hurts?. . I give the best of my heart to the people i know who have passed these tests, and the others. . perhaps i ration some 'love' to them. .give them a little spoonful, cuz that doesn't cost me much and i probably wouldn't miss it.

Another song came into my head at this point. . because as I thought that even though i do feel for others and feel sorrow when they are sad and joy when they are glad and do what i can to help them, I still know of my deep-down tendency to be a miser. I have a lifestyle, but do i have a 'lovestyle'. . is generous love my 'm.o.' ? Would people say that's true of me? If not. . do i know what love is?

"I wanna live, I wanna give, I've been a miner for a heart of gold. . . .I've crossed the ocean for a heart of gold. . " How dogged and desperate!!! that's huge desire there. I wondered did Neil Young mean that he wanted to find someone who possessed such a heart? Or did he himself want to possess one? or both? imagine searching and searching for this? Imagine crossing an ocean for it? digging, digging, mining, growing old? This sounds like life to me . . . Maybe he wanted to find God and couldn't?Maybe he longed for a good friend and couldn't find one? Maybe he wanted his soul mate and couldn't find her? Maybe he wanted to be more loving himself? Maybe he needed to feel 'home' like love makes you feel. . that comfort and feeling of acceptance, knowing it would never diminish.

I didn't expect myself to be so affected by a few phrases from a couple of songs. . but songs have this power to stay with you. You know, thinking about these words was such a challenging thing for me today. I can't believe what they triggered -- thoughts like: "Why is it usually easy to love the ones who make it 'worth my while' to do so? Do I risk loving the ones who don't?" This is really the test. I guess I can say that I'm just so glad that there are 'make-up tests' in this 'subject'. . every day is a make-up test if you think about it and every day brings chances and choices to love and live it and choose it. That was bigger than I had intended. .but not nearly as big as it could have been. I don't think there's a bigger thing than love. Nothing is any good without it. Nothing withstands as much or hopes as much as love does. Nothing gives as much. Nothing means as much. I didn't really do it justice. . i just wanted to talk about it a bit. Thanks for listening.



love, from me. .

Random

Random is good. It often breaks up holding patterns and routines. Which i love! Cuz i get soooo sick of routines, even though I realize that I need them. Do you ever notice the random things all around you and within you? I've been noticing some lately. . .here are a few random examples.

A falcon swooped into our next door neighbour's back yard, grabbed a little wren in its talons,
flew to the black walnut tree at the front of our house and, accompanied by half a dozen
jealous crows, dined on his little feathery entree in full view of my window, as I typed away!
Talk about random!! I'd never seen a falcon close up. He was large, with a snow-white breast and almost furry legs. His wing span was gigantic. As he ate his catch, the crows who sat on the higher branches of the same tree took turns dive bombing him in the head, in a concerted effort to get him to drop the prize. They seemed merely to annoy him, like a swarm of large, pesky flies buzzing about. All this kerfuffle drew quite a crowd of curious human onlookers on the street below, school kids, parents, craning their necks and tilting back their heads to observe this rare sight. Once dinner was done, off flew the falcon in all his majesty, accompanied by his squawking attendants. Random!!

I happened to look out this same window this afternoon to see a young guy lying on the street! Random!!! He did a sloppy somersault and then got up, adjusted his skewed touque, straightened his ski jacket and bent down to pick up the skateboard he had placed on the nearby boulevard and walked away. I didn't see anyone else. . well, with the exception of the recycling truck, whose driver was yelling something to this strange boy, but i couldn't make out what he was saying. d'oh! That was really random! It made me laugh.

My family has this habit, when seeing things on our travels that are lying on the road or sidewalk, of saying "Random piece of wood.", "Random shoe!", "Random pop can". This never ceases to amuse us!!!

Do you get those random things in your head that just aren't at all connected to your thought train?! Sometimes when those little 'brain pop ups' come along, they get spoken out loud and anyone who listens is always puzzled and most probably makes fun of you!!!! I try not to do that. . but sometimes i slip!!!

Random songs. Over one week ago now this random song popped into my head and I can't get rid of it!!! Ever heard "Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song" by B.J. Thomas?? This song and my brain are having a strange little affair. The jangly tune is scrolling through my mind and the words are doing the same! I don't want this to be happening. Help! I need a musical exorcist!!! Know one i could call??!!

Do you get those random cravings for food? of course you do!!! Sometimes i'll suddenly want some baked beans or maybe corn fritters. Maybe some salsa con queso. . in which i like to dunk mini pretzels. Ever want some home made chocolate chip cookies really badly?!!!! (with all that melty chocolate) geez. . can you tell i'm trying to be good?! That's always when those random food thoughts start surfacing!!! I saw a Pillsbury cookie commercial at lunch break. . a gigantic cookie was broken apart, the melted chocolate chips flowed onto the golden brown cookie. I was drooling. That giggling doughboy of theirs is the devil.

Here's one last random thought. I'm soon going to dance class. Our first ' dance through' with no extra demonstration or instruction!!! ay yi yi!!!! This session is especially challenging, with some hip hop, some jive and even some quick step. Every song has a different routine and all the songs are danced consecutively. . there's a huge variety of music genres. . . it is so entertaining!! We do get the odd break for water, in which we all pant like dogs in July (and drink like them too!!!) but you know, I couldn't possibly love it more if i tried!!! oh my gosh i could do this every single night of the week!!!

Anyway, keep an eye out for 'random' in your every day and enjoy! I think every day holds at least one random occurrence. Thank God. . a day without something different than 'the usual' is like a day without sunshine!! (we've been having too many of those lately!)

say 'aaaahhhhh'

i'm here in my mind.

Look, there's an extra lounger!!! Want to join me? We can just laze around and talk, or not. We can go for a dip when it gets too hot.

Forget its winter! Make yourself a fruity, coconutty drink, stare at this picture and repeat as needed: "I'm in my happy place." 

tagged by Tee!

Here is a little fun, courtesy of my blog buddy, Tee! http://www.spiltmilkblog.blogspot.com


4 Jobs You Have Had in Your Life

1. Clerk/receptionist at a steel mill
2. Child caregiver
3. Welcome Wagon events coordinator assistant
4. Medical Transcriptionist

4 Movies You Would Watch Over and Over
1. Trains, Planes and Automobiles.
2. Lord of the Rings Triology
3. Chocolat
4. Sleepless In Seattle

4 Places You Have Lived
1. Where i was born
2. Where i live now
3.
4.

4 TV Shows You Love to Watch
1. "Idol" (American and Canadian)
2. "Sunday" - CBC weekly documentary
3. Extreme Makeover - Home Edition
4. C.S.I.

4. Places You Have Been on Vacation
1. Germany
2. Holland
3. The U.S. (lotsa places!)
4. Canada -out west, down east. . around and about. .

4 Websites You Visit Daily
1. MSN Sympatico
2. MedLine Pharmaceutical Index (job-related)
3. downhere.com
4. armybarmy.com

4 Favorite Foods
1. Turkey milanese with basil and tomatoes.
2. Roasted veggies with olive oil, s&P, fresh thyme, rosemary and garlic
3. A fabulous salad with feta and oregano dressing.
4. Pie -- most kinds i LOVE!

4 Places You Would Rather Be Right Now
1. Traveling somewhere I've never been.
2. Chapters!
3. Dance class
4. Lying on a massage table!

4 People You Tag to complete this
1. Lindsay
2. Glenn
3. Sherri
4. Emma

Copyright © 1999- 2006 Google

human stain

I felt very inspired tonight, as i listened to Brian Houston http://www.brianhouston.com sing "Wash Me Clean". . . Brian Houston is a musician/singer from Belfast. He's amazingly talented. He's got an emotional rawness and honesty about him. . his music is haunting and rocking and so cool. Every BH CD i have bought, i've worn out!
****************************************
Everyone needs to be clean. Everyone needs to have an inner sanctum.
Life can be so filthy. There is so little that's pure.
I need to be clean. I feel the badness in my soul.
Why can't i be happy for others without something slithering into my mind to ruin it?
jealousy. . .envy. . . anger
why does self and pride always work its way in to every thought or feeling (or work its way out more likely)? Why must i wish to be better positioned, or feel better? Why do i need praise? fish for compliments? crave affirmation? and if someone else gets this attention, why do i feel slighted?
Gifts and talents -- why can't i just be glad to have some? why must i go comparing them to someone else's? This is the insidiuous grime that cannot be lathered and rinsed away.
I can't even feel for someone until i put myself in their place! What's that? Why can't i just feel for them? When i really think about my true nature and its terminal self focus and how natural it is for me to think the worst, criticize -- my mind produces it and my mouth pushes it out there. Its like i have no control mechanism, no red light to stop my thoughts and words, not even a caution signal -- which is why apologies are necessary - but shamefully underused. Its all too easy, effortless in fact. After over 4 decades of personal experience, i now see myself for real. . i know my badness - its at the core level and this is why i need cleansing. I'm not like a self-cleaning oven, i need someone to do it for me. I've tried, it doesn't last, it doesn't work. This is basic humanity -- bad to the bone and desperately in need of some good.

Its deep in there isn't it? Nobody needs 'badness lessons'! We start young and we perfect it as we go along. We can deny it, justify it, excuse or wink at it - but that won't change our condition. We can turn over new leaves forever - they get old. We can try to wipe the slate clean . . . but it always gets dirty again -- its only a matter of self and time. We can will ourselves to be 'good' one minute and the very next, our good will evaporates. It can be so subtle, happens in degrees and little increments. A small white lie, a mean, stabbing thought, a tinge of jealousy, a little feeling put upon here, a bit of resentment masquerading behind a smile there. Do you feel these in your heart? lurking, crouching and coiled in there. . just waiting to strike out. Its so easy to tear down, label, gossip - it can seem fun, even entertaining -- making us feel great, better, elevated, smug. Raise your hand if you've caught yourself! Ever notice how people can find satisfaction when well knowns become has beens? People secretly like it when others fail at something. How quickly we can turn if say a couple we know breaks up - we need a scapegoat - we may say "Well, I've never like him." Fairweather stuff like that. . . How fast have i jumped to wrong conclusions, assumed something? judged someone? Where does the need to be superior come from? Why is it down in there, jumping out as sarcastic jibes or smart assiness? Why, if someone's more beautiful, intelligent or talented than i am, why do i need to find a flaw so badly? Do you ever drive yourself crazy with your bad self? Ever feel like Fred Flintstone when he was being a jerk and hurt Wilma, who then challenged him to be able to live with himself and cleared out to live at her mother's while he thought about it? After only a day or two with 'shadow Fred' he literally couldn't stand himself as he faced his selfishness - and he then begged his wife to come home and begged her forgiveness.

I've met my 'shadow self' and she's a bit@#!! I've come to the conclusion that this is why i need redeeming. This hideousness that's ever ready to take me over, spoil and ruin me and do the same to others, THIS is exactly why i am so desperately, desperately in need of cleansing, washing, saving. My condition (like the movie title) 'the human stain' is a very politically incorrect word, which makes humanists and agnostics alike cringe and cry out --- quite simply. . its sin. For which there is only one stain remover -- the love and sacrifice of Christ and the goodness and power of the spirit of God. By the way, it took me years to clue in to this and even more to believe this and I do believe it. I believe it from experience, from the active power of love, from seeing this in other lives and from knowing and feeling this in myself. Even so, i battle daily with that propensity of mine to go back to what i know, like a dog to its vomit, because i have a core flaw. But I have a will and i can use it to submit that inner beast to the power of love, of God and i can be clean and i can even stay clean if i keep submitting. Trouble is i don't like submitting it offends my pride!!!!! BAH! Life here in this soul refinery. . . is nothing if not a challenge to my free will. But you know, I like a good challenge.

WASH ME CLEAN Brian Houston Copyright 2002 - Thankyou Music*/MCPS
Album: "Rollercoaster" distributed by Kingsway Music

I am the one with the unclean lips
I am the one whose mind is jaded
I am the one with the impure heart
and all my innocence is faded. wash me clean in your river of mercy
restore my soul by a clear blue stream. . renew me again.

i am the one whose walk is faithless
I am the one who walks away
I am the one whose debts are many
and I am the one who cannot pay -- wash me clean. .

you are the lord who is my fortress, you are the lord who is my hope.
you are the lord who is my refuge. . the only safe place for my soul.
wash me clean in your river of mercy. . restore my soul. . . renew me again.

sunday night reflections

How are you? I'm fine. I'm glad you're here. Welcome. Did you have a nice weekend? Mine was really good!

Thought I'd get a bit more personal, i like that. You too? We're about to start another winter week. Every week of winter brings us that much closer to spring!!!

I've been thinking about these 3 things for several days, and then tonight, on coming home from our weekly run to take our youngest back to uni, i thought i'd take a few minutes to sit and type some thoughts. I hope they mean something to you, like they do to me?

Thought stream 1:
Garbage. . . It stinks. Its rotten and gross, degraded bits and pieces of things. Its ugly. Its nastily contaminated with bacteria that would make me ill. Do you know what I love though? Every week i can take all the drippy, decaying things that can't be used and cannot stay where i live, for certainly they would pollute my home and harm my person. . and I can dispose of the mess in bags and take it out and leave it on the street. The best part, even more than removing it from my dwelling, is that someone will drive by, pick it up and take it away forever. They will bury it and I will never have to deal with it again. I love that. Its so cleansing to get rid of garbage. It feels better, it smells better, looks better-- its better for my health. Every Sunday night is garbage night. I always spiritualize this night, cuz its just so 'ripe' with meaning. There's no time when i gather garbage for disposal that I do not think about in a spiritual way. I won't elaborate. . but i'm sure as you think of it, you can see why i do.

Thought stream 2:
The wisdom of children. I love children. They don't 'do' b.s. They are more pure than we are. They haven't learned the complexities/falsities of relational living. They feel a certain way, they say it. They see something, they tell it like it is. You tell them something, they believe you. When they're really young, they don't care how they are perceived. They just are and they're happy with who they are. Sure they're 'people in training' so, sometimes they act like dorks. They're learning how to care about more than just them. . . in some cases it takes a while. They fascinate me. I like to watch how they behave. I like to ask them questions. They will unwittingly say or do the most basic, profound things that can actually make us take notice and learn from them. Today at lunch my grandson told us about a female classmate of his, who goes by the name of Carson. "She always kisses me. . . . .and I say ' I think I'm in looove'!!!" It was a hilarious moment. He's a lovey dovey guy. When all's right in his world and he feels loving and joyful he often loves to exclaim: "I love everybody in the world!!" I'm always sad when his Mommy has to remind him "Except for strangers and bad people." The complexities present themselves early, indeed must be presented. My granddaughter, Erica is developing her word skills nicely, she's not quite 2 yet. She's a delicate-looking but feisty and affectionate at the same time. The other day she didn't say anything, but she had selected a book from my rec room bookshelf. She came up to me and handed me the book, and motioned that she wanted me to read it to her. It was called "Christ, The Sum of All Spiritual Things". It blew me away. I know that she wasn't aware of it, but it was like God himself prompted her to do it, just to remind me of the truth.

Thought stream 3:
You never know when you might be challenged. I have a new friend named Lynn who owns a beautiful store. She sells antiques, retro items of all sorts, new things. Its a shop of wonder. . its like walking into her home and she welcomes you in that manner. We struck up an instant rapport. I love to go there to look forvery reasonably-priced treasures, but i go there just to talk to her too. Two Saturdays ago I drove there for a visit. I parked across the street and walked over. Just outside her shop front, i noticed a young guy dressed in fatigues and a bomber jacket, a black touque covered his head, the hood pulled up over. He was bearded and dark-haired. He didn't look a day over 20. He approached me and asked me "Is it all right if I ask you a question?" My sensors were on. . . he seemed okay. . no red lights went off. I answered "Sure." He asked "Do you know anywhere where I can get a meal and maybe stay? I've been sleeping on the streets and its cold and I'm hungry." It just so happened that I did know of a brand new shelter where he could have all his needs met. I told him where it was, though it was somewhat hard to describe, as he wasn't from around here, and I wasn't sure of the street name. He asked if the bus driver would know where it was and I said that was very likely. He asked if i had even a bit of change, so that he could take the bus. I gave him enough for bus fare. It was all I had. He seemed grateful. I felt so bad that this kid had to live like this . . He told me that he had gone to a nearby church with a sign that read "Out of the Cold". . but nobody was there. I told him that they stopped that program when they built the shelter. Then I felt bad that this kid went to a church and nobody was there. I know people can't be expected to live there. . but i just felt like maybe churches of all places should be 'open' 24 hours, grocery stores and fast food places are. . .

Anyway, he went on his way and I went in to see Lynn. It was nice to talk again. . a drunk man came in the store. Lynn was trying to politely shove him off. . as it was his habit to come in every day, hang around the store for hours, steal things when Lynn wasn't looking, ask for food, etc. That day he wanted to shovel her snow for money. He seemed desperate. Lynn told him that she was very busy and didn't have time to talk. She was. She later told me that he and several of his friends come around all the time. She gives them some of the designer cookies that she sells. She talks to them. I told her "Aside from wanting to steal for obvious reasons, i think they come here because your store is like home and because you're maternal and you feed them cookies." She confessed that sometimes she was afraid, because she's alone and she's not always sure if she's safe. I felt for her situation and I myself felt funny for the following reasons. . . i had this 8-seater van parked on the road, I could have taken that young to the shelter. . .the old guy too. But I had to guard myself because I was a woman on my own and we all know why that doesn't work. I felt bad because I knew that I had a lot of food at home and that i had a house and everything i needed in that house. I had people i loved in that house. . i didn't have to go stand in a store to feel like i was 'at home', or beg for food, or sleep on the street. I said my goodbyes to Lynn and I drove home, right past the shelter. I arrived home to a spaghetti and salad ready for me. All i could think of was this hungry young man with nothing and nobody and the drunk older man hanging around in a woman's shop because he had no place to go. Sometimes you can be really content you know, then you come face to face with people's need and loneliness and hunger you feel such a sense of _________________ what's the word I'm searching for?

chapters -- what a nifty store. . .

I love Chapters. I get in there and no fooling, I'm like a kid in a candy store! I have a membership card which gives me sweet deals every time i shop. I look for the discounts, 20%, 30%, sometimes even up to 80%!!!! I go with a list, which i compile as i read or talk to people. I love to read the 'picks and pans' in People magazine. I get lots of my reading recommendations there. I do admit to sometimes buying Oprah, i don't really like doing something that everyone else does. . it makes me feel like a sheep in a pen just baaaing along with the crowd, following wherever they all go. .blah. She does have some good book recommendations, again I don't like that 'sheepish feeling i get if i do that!

Last night Robbie and I went to Old Navy to use our gift cards from KK!!! we each bought a nice, cheap shirt. . and then my ever-tolerant man (who's not a big reader) took me to Chapters to use the gift card he gave me. . It was great. . I looked at EVERYTHING. I had my list: Kenyon, Didion, Cunningham, Robertson and more. . but the only one i got from the list was "Franny and Zooey" by Salinger. I got it for $7!!! Couldn't find anything else.

I also got 2 others. . great discounts. .
1. The Kite Runner - Hosseini
2. Shake Hands with the Devil -- The Failure of Humanity in Rwanda -- Dallaire

I'm sure everyone has their fave types of books. . . for different reasons. Classics, cult classics, romance, mystery. . I like lots, but here are some i don't. . .

Bodice rippers. They all have cover pictures of either "Blond Fabio" or "Dark-haired Fabio", wearing a white, open shirt - displaying his 6 pack and permatan and he's always savagely embracing a breathless-looking, Pantene shampoo commercial chick. Ptooey!!! what crap!!!

Autobiographies, biographies . . I don't know why, but I don't like them?!!! And what did i just buy? An autobiography!!!! I'm such a hypocrite. . As a rule i avoid them. . but this one has such a compelling subject. Rob said "Oh, you're gonna get mad when you read this. . " Yeah, I will and I'll probably cry and feel an impotent rage. . but this story. . its won a Governor General's Award and the Writers' Trust Shaugnessy Cohen Prize!! So, I had to get it. Two awards, 20% off, Canadian soldier, heartbreaking story. .

Alphabetical Mysteries -- A is for Axe Murderer. . B is for Blood. . C is for crap!!!

People and their clever animal sidekick mysteries -- Rita Mae Brown and "Sneaky Pie Brown". . i've read a couple of hers. . oh, what a clever feline. . cat solves the crimes and the owner takes the credit. AS IF!!!

Horror shlock books -- Koontz for example. . positively barbaric stuff coming from that man's pen. *shudder* Absolutely hate that style. . don't touch those now. Now I do think that King is a really adept story teller. . chillingly adept. When I was a teenager I read one of his earliest novels. . I can't even remember the title. I was reading it in bed one night. . HELLO? What was i thinking?! I read c chapter entitled. . The Bogeyman. . . I finished it in a cold sweat. . . I shouldn't have. I took the book and hid it in the top shelf of my wardrobe!!! and turned off the light. . I tried to sleep. . I was shuddering with fear. Sleep would not come to me. . I felt stupid. . it was only a story. . but what a story. I finally had to retrieve the book from my wardrobe. . I took it through the living room, into the front room closet and hid it on the top shelf. I don't know what i was thinking this would accomplish? But I wanted to get it as far away from me as I could!!! I STILL couldn't sleep!!! I think i gave that book away. . though it stayed in the front hall closet for eons. . I couldn't handle it!!!! BAH, WHAT A WUSS!

Books I like? well written ones!!!

Anyway, my keyboard batteries are low and i don't want to lose this!!! So, I'll let you know about these books. . I've already started "Shake Hands with the Devil". . . must get some more reading done before bed. I wonder if i'll have to take this book and put it a closet?! Scary.

Rob and the grandkids, last summer!

I felt like looking at some pictures, so i had a look through Picasa to see what we had on there. I don't have the dance pictures on the computer yet!!! pathetic, i know. . but I will.

I kind of like to protect my family's anonymity. . so this picture was perfect. I know, i know. . i have my profile picture - but its so small its almost inconsequential!

We love it when the grandkiddies come to visit!!! They're so cute and fun. . this picture is already 5 months old - so they've even changed sine then. . esp. the length of Erica's hair!

This is a lovely nearby park, to which we used to bring our girls when they were little. . wow, do we feel old!!! Do you like seeing the green grass right about now?!!! 

quirkiness? oddities?

We all have 'em. . unique traits, foibles, penchants, tendencies, propensities -- they're interesting, they're hilarious, they're borderline?! I kinda like observing them in myself and in others. . it amuses me, I like it, it makes me laugh sometimes, other times makes me wonder how they got there. I couldn't figure out tonight what i felt like talking about. . i'm kinda sick about talking about sickness and hivey rashes. . which i'm still having a bit of trouble with!! *rolling my eyes with impatience* Maybe its this chair? This is the second time I sat here to blog and started with itching on the back of my legs! Good Lord, maybe I'm allergic to the computer chair!! I just went into the bathroom to haul down my pants again. .geez, that sounds bad!!! *just checking my legs for MORE stupid hives! * and yeah, there are some there now that weren't declaring themselves this morning! D'OH!!! Make it stop!!!! I verbalized my disgust and dismay to my faithful, fellow sickie Robbie. . and he just said "Take a Benadryl". . BAH!! I feel like an antihistamine junkie!! I can hear the strains of Jefferson Airplanes' "Go Ask Alice". . . 'one pill makes you smaller, and one pill makes you tall. . '

So, yeah, like I said. . I'm sick of sick. . and itchy skin and winter and grey skies . . so. . back to the quirks! I feel like making a list. . since my other blogpatriots (the blog version of compatriots) are listing stuff. . .. here goes mine. . and i just might mention some of my dear family's little flakies!!! *okay, so I will. . hee hee!*

* I can do 'double' sneezes. . in which i seem to do 2 sneezes within 1 sneeze. . i can't explain it. *I have this bizarre habit of uttering a word, a phrase, whatever and immediately after, the
very same thing will be said on a tv commercial, or by a television host, or on the car radio,
or some entirely random source - which simultaneous amazes my family and weirds
them/us out! * I hate the sound of people eating with their mouths open. . and this is to a point that I think its like a mental pathology than a quirk. . It makes me almost furious and if its bad i have to plug my ears or leave the area. If i can't do either. . i suffer and fight the urge to tell the
person, or to close their mouth with my fingers. This originated from sleepovers at Pammy Packer's house, whose mother, Georgina, scared and scarred me by screaming at my little friend. . "DON'T EAT WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN, YOU SOUND LIKE A PIG AT THE TROUGH!!!!" I was so afraid of that woman. . . I literally shook when i had to eat at her table. To this day I'm the master of closed-mouth eating!!! *I have to smell things all the time! I smell the dishwasher tablets. . often repeatedly. I smell the Downy and the Purex soap. . i smell the laundered clothes, sometimes repeatedly!!! I always feel fabulous when I smell good smells. I have to smell every product in the store before i'll buy it! It takes a while to shop! * I have to have notebooks and pens everywhere i might be in the house in case something cool needs to be written down. *I hate it when the sheets or blankets are not straight - can't sleep if they're all askew. . . *When I shower, I always wash my stomach first, without fail.

Here's just a few family quirks:

*My daughter, Lindsay constantly leaves things behind, especially her purse! She's been
like this since kindergarten: in the middle of winter she would come out of school without
her boots and not know where she had put them. . or her back pack, or her mittens. Remember "Forgetful Jones" from Sesame Street? They modeled that character after her!
* My grandson, James quotes Spongebob dialogue verbatim, with accompanying physical
movements of the characters. *My granddaughter, Eri always wants me to hold her up to the food cupboards and show her all the foods contained within! *My daughter, Kalyn has 2 favourite words: 1. Obviously. 2. Clearly. She also has a tendency to add extra vowels to words: "No" becomes "NO-AH!" This becomes more pronounced when she's riled up.
* My husband, Rob likes to eat the same things all the time because then he knows what
he's getting. BORING!!! He also must have long, 3-hour soaks in a hot bathtub every
Friday night!! During said baths he reads magazines and newspapers, which slide into the
water and get all puffed up to like 10 times their original size upon drying overnight! We can
always tell next morning whether he's fallen asleep! *My mother in law has a habit of tying her wickedly L O N G purse straps around the shopping cart handle in a complex series of twists and loops that would rival a Chinese puzzle. . AND. . . whomever is taking her to the grocery store, hears these words EVERY BLESSED TIME!!!: "See how I tie my purse straps, so that nobody can take my purse?" This gets HILARIOUS among those of us in the family who escort her every week, to the point where my family members will say to me: "I'll bet you a chocolate chip banana cake that she's gonna say that again." Originally I was stupid enough to take the bet. . . cuz i'm not usually the one who takes her. .and i thought "oh, come on! she doesn't say that every time?" yes, they were taking advantage of my ignorance and I didn't know what kinda of rigged bet i was making!! But after owing a couple of cakes to my family, i got wise to their shenanigans!! We all just know she's gonna say it. . and we LAUGH!!! just not in front of Mom!!!

All righty then!!! Now its your turn. I wanna hear all about your little 'things'. . .that is if you feel like sharing?! *which I hope you do!!! * I bet between us all we could come up with a book's worth of oddities and sillies!!! Or maybe something to post in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatric Medicine?!!! Nah. . i think everyone has their froot loopiness!! harmless fun at each others' expense?!!!! *wink!*

hockey's on, i'm baking cookies

Hey ya!! How's everyone on this exciting last night of 2005?!!! Some of you have already started the first day of 2006 -- its weird, eh? thinking back to 1999 and the international freak out re the Y2K bug?!!! time flies and all that nonsense is forgotten. Hey, we get a leap second tonight, as a teeny, little bonus! It seems the old blue marble isn't spinning quite as fast as it used to.

Robbie and I have had an interesting week. . well, okay it was actually rather yucky with both of us being under the weather - so when we weren't working, we were laying around cuz we felt so yuck. A couple of days into the week I took a turn for the worse, as is my stupid body's habit, and Rob kept in a bit of a holding pattern, but now seems to be improving. You know, how i told you in my last comment on the 'sick' post that Levaquin is miraculous and was even my new beloved word?!! I take it back. . . because as I surfed all your blogs last night to see what was up with you, and to help relieve the tedium of being lethargic and ill; i felt this intense itching on the backs of my legs. It got worse. I had just taken my second 'wonder tablet' about half an hour before i started blog reading. Then my arms and hands started to itch and i lifted my arms up and looked with shock at swelled up, angry welts which seemed to be rapidly spreading!! YIKES!!! You know the globes with the countries raised up from the flatter parts? They felt like that. It seems that because I'm allergic to Cipro, which i already knew, I now have a cross reactivity with Levaquin and all its 'relatives', which I didn't know! I just thought, well the doc knows i'm allergic to several drugs. . and this new one wasn't on my 'allergy list'. IT IS NOW, BABY!

The itching was getting ridiculous, so I decided to go into the full length mirror to assess the situation. . i looked at the backs of my legs. . . OH MY. . . . red, ginormous hives up and down the backs of my legs. . my a#@ was completely covered in hives. . . it was kinda funny, though scary. I felt like one of those red bummed primates on the discovery channel. Definitely the 'itchy and scratchy' show last night! I called the drug store. . . the pharmacist told me to get some antihistamine right away and to keep taking it every few hours and to contact my doctor in the morning. He then told me to be on the lookout for difficulty breathing, swelling of the throat or tongue. . I started to panic a bit. . . this scenario is way too familiar with me, having been hospitalized several years ago by another drug reaction. ay yi yi. . . at such times you have to separate your physicality from your psychiatry!!! Anxiety is quite the fooler. . . so I didn't want that faking me out. I popped the Benadryl and went to bed - slept like a log - that stuff is like horse tranquilizer!!

So today I'm on the antihistamines and i'm kinda 'loose'. . wouldn't want to operate any heavy machinery, eh? I still have a red you know what, but at least its fading, the rash that is, not my a!#, though i wish it would!!!! I can't take my new pills until the hives have gone. . the doctor thinks that because my system is so 'on guard' and sensitized, that any antibiotic i take may cause another reaction. Can't i just be friggin' sick? Why this crap???!!!! GAH!!!!

Now to get away from the topic of illness and its inherent yuckiness . . i just made some great peanut butter chocolate chip cookies! YUM!! Glad i'm not allergic to peanuts!!!!! *touch wood* (i touched my head!) ha ha. . .

Rob's watching hockey. . which is one thing we don't share - but that's okay. He loves to watch the odd game, i do my own thing. We had a great chinese dinner for 2. . . Golden Dragon rocks!! No MSG!!! Its a quiet New Year's Eve for us this year. . which is quite nice. We're going to watch "Wedding Crashers", hope its more funny than crude? KK's gone out to ring in the new year with her friends -- dinner and a house party. Lindsay and her family are probably kicking back at home too, having a family NY's Eve. . . so its just me and my best friend!!! ahh, true love!!! I love him so much. This is our 29th new year's eve together!!!! fogeys or what??!!!! heh heh. . .

I'm not feeling especially philosophical, even though its only 2 hours till midnight and another big, 365-day chapter in the world history book is about to be written -- its a big deal!! Let's see how it goes. Who knows what's in store for us? Well, God of course, but for the rest of us, we just have to take it as it comes. Happy new year, fellow babies!!!

sick

Hey. . . feeling too sick and uninspired. Be back soon!

As the World Sleeps

this was written in 2000. . . i tried to write something this week, but it didn't even seem to have any soul. That's what happens when you try to force creativity - it can't be done. If it doesn't flow, there's just no use even trying without it. Even though i wasn't inspired, i did remember this one, and fished it out of one my my folios. I remember the night i thought the thoughts. .I was fed up with the silly stuff we all feel pressured to do every Christmas and it felt so hollow - so I started to think about Jesus. . more than just thoughts about swaddling clothes and the "Bethlehem cast" - i started thinking about why He swapped earth-shaping, ruling power for risky, messy, ultimately fatal submission to the most important reconciliation act in the history of history -- Why did he accept this seemingly raw deal? In the calm darkness of my room i felt this "Grinch episode" within my own heart, you know? the growing 3 sizes? Only it wasn't something that i did, but it was something God did for me - and i knew why he agreed to it.. .. ... love. Love isn't logical.


Jesus, I think of you this cold Christmas night, as the world sleeps.
I think of creation. You made us to be perfect, like you and we loved you with perfect love.
I think of how we changed with that fateful choice, i think of what we became, how low we sank, how tainted and cursed.
The wall between us constructed sin by sin, choice by choice.
The depth of our depravity, the spread of our selfishness pierced your holy heart.
Your tears watered the earth.
You made a choice to step out of your glory and you came down to us.
You became one of us.
Your breath could melt the sun, but you breathed words of love to us,
even to those who didn't love back.
Your love cut through the darkness of our ignorance like a search light slices the night sky.
Something in us stirred - that long dead part of us.
You knew that it was your destiny to die and that your death would destroy the wall that our rebellion had built; the wall that keeps us from you. I don't understand this, its just so much to take in.
You bore the crushing load of our guilt and it was the death of you.
In your dying, you repaired the damage our choices had made.
When your work was done, your Father lifted you up and held out to you the glory you had set aside.
But you didn't sit back -- from then till now you have not stopped loving us, calling to us, hearing our prayers and praying on our behalf to your Father.

You gave yourself with no guarantee that we would treasure the pardon you died to secure.
Many have grabbed hold of the life you offer, though many don't honour your sacrifice, some don't even know about it and others take no time to think about or to understand the depth of your mercy.
We pierce your heart again and again and we are not properly sorry.

Jesus, i think of you this Christmas night, as the world sleeps.
As i think of you, this night's blackness becomes mid day and the bitter wind blows warm; caressing the earth and whispering your love to listening ears.
Thank you for making everything all right.
Thank you for not giving up on us.

Our little alien (don't worry,she's somewhat friendly)

 

Norwegian pines smell good

Believe it or not, Rob and KK got our tree on Tuesday evening, and i didn't get the lights on it till tonight!!*Friday* procrastination. . . I hate putting the lights on. . . i always seem to get saddled with this odious job. . all because one year I saw a professional 'Christmas tree lighting expert' on CityLine (tv magazine type show) demonstrate lighting the tree from within. . i.e. in the 'trunkal' area and concentrating the lights there; which admittedly looks fabulous. Incidentally they must be white lights, and cords must match the colour of the foliage (green!). After watching this segment, I happened to open my trap and mention this great little trick and Bob's your uncle, I've been in charge of lighting ever since. Weird, I grew up believing that the putting on of the Christmas tree lights was the man's job?! Oh well, I'm not really one for perpetuating gender stereotypes!! (though a little voice inside my head always says "this is a man's job" whenever i do the tree lights ! *does this seem like some weird dichotomy to you?* But really, the cutting down of the conifer in this family is the man's job. . though I could totally do that too!!! I am woman hear me roar. I think sometimes my 'equal opportunity' attitude towards these types of things puzzles my old school mother in law!! Which always makes me laugh.

When Rob and KK went to get the tree at the tree farm i had only one stipulation: FRAGRANCE! I wanted to be able to smell evergreen!! Too many Christmases I have been disappointed with Scotch pines totally devoid of aroma. Rob doesn't have any sense of smell, so he's just not concerned about it, but I want to walk in the room and say "ah!!" I have this thing about scent. . yeah, yeah. .

So, tonight i wore long sleeves - smart girl - avoided the arm hives- thank goodness! I put the political debate on TV, and listened and occasionally glanced up at the 4 candidates as they bandied big promises and pointed jibes. It was a strange way to decorate a Christmas tree. . no mood music. . just yapping politicians generating lots of hot air. But I wanted to catch the debate. . cuz I need to know how to vote!!! Kinda hate that politics is at the forefront the week before Christmas. I'm on a political epanel, so I had to be able to answer all the questions that would follow, which did, and i did!!!

Speaking of procrastination and greenery. . i have fresh boughs, swag and 2 wreaths sitting out on the deck, in the snow, waiting to be hung!!! AHHHH!!! we're crazy. . we get these Christmas accessories then we wait till days before the' big day' to display them?! We haven't even put the lights on the bushes outside!!!! We suck!!!! Rob bought the lights 3 weeks ago!!!

Maybe tomorrow will be the day all this comes together?! Please let it be so!!! I love to go down to the basement now. . the gorgeous Norwegian pine smells wonderfully piney. . and I'll forgive its seeming inability to retain needles, scads of which I have pried from the carpet with yards of duct tape!!! KK decorated last week, so the house looks warm and holiday ready - inside anyway!!!

I hope that you're all having a tad more success with your own decorations, preparations for the holidays?! I'm 90% finished with the gifts, so at least I'm ahead of the game in some ways!!!

Its the most wonderful time of the year. . . ding dong ding dong. . .

barenaked for the holidays

Curious to read this one?!!!! gotcha!

Its not as bad as all that. . .and its DEFINITELY too cold here to go through the holidays starkers. I bought a new holiday CD for us to listen to this year. If you're not familiar with the 'hardest working band in Canada' *The Barenaked Ladies* Here's a link for their site: www.bnlmusic.com

How can I describe BNL? zany. . talented. . . hilarious . . . unique. . . . I love these guys!! Anyway, their holiday disc is called "Barenaked for the Holidays". I really recommend this one. Its got some crazy little fillers, some cool originals, some traditional stuff and some funky Hannukah songs. . which brings me back to elementary school days when our Christmas pageants always had to include Hannukah songs because half our school's population was Jewish.

Speaking further on holidays. . this is a week off work for me. . my pre-Christmas 'get everything done or else' week!!! I devised this stratagem. . well actually it came about not so much by design as by default! I was supposed to be in Cancun at this very moment!!! Instead, what am I doing? I'm sitting in my teddy bear robe, my hair up in clips, blogging this. D'OH! I'd much rather be doing the samba, or perhaps listening to a Mariachi band. . plunking down in a beach chair and doing absolutely nothing. . . Thanx Hurricane Wilma for destroying our resort! *I won this trip back in the summer and had booked for this week* Now we have until next September to take our trip. . so we're in the midst of deciding when. Looks like we'll take it to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary!! So, yes, getting back to my plans. This is the first year I've ever taken 1 week off before Christmas. . and a girl could get very used to this! I'm lovin' it! I can go shopping in the day time, with all the seniors - its bliss! No rushing, ravenous crowds, no fighting traffic out to the stores. . I did my chocolate store trip. . i got some of my baking ingredients, the stocking stuffers are bought. . most of the presents have been purchased. . I've been socializing and cleaning up and going to dance at nights and wishing I could retire RIGHT NOW!!! My oldest daughter cleaned our house from top to bottom today as her Christmas to us! She did a fabulous job!!! I could get very used to that too!!!

Anyway, its 1 a.m. . how will i ever begin to retrain myself in this regard?! i'm like a sleep retard! duh, you're tired. . GO TO BED!!! I'm worse than a little kid who doesn't want to miss anything!! Maybe I wouldn't loathe mornings if i got to bed at a decent hour? I really do detest them. Don't get me wrong. . i'm glad to wake up!!! *its nice to be alive!!!* I HATE waking up before I want to. . i haven't wanted to waste this week sleeping half the day. . so i've been waking up before 8 a.m. all week. . I get Rob to wake me. . cuz I have trouble waking up on my own!!! At least he can hear the alarm!! It feels almost impossible for me to get out of bed. Its like the bed's got this invisible tractor beam that draws me back if I try to get up. Its so strong I can hardly fight it! My eyes don't want to open. I am so out of it -- groggy, grumpy. . droopy - its not pretty. Takes me a good hour before I feel human - i grunt. . don't use words for a little while. I'm glad that my husband is like me. . cuz if he was one of those 'spring out of the bed and beat his chest' types and said things like "good morning, sunshine! up and at 'em!", etc. . You know what? I think I'd hafta to get physical. When my kids were little it was my hardest part of the day, waking up!!! But I loved them, so I dragged myself outta bed for 'Mommy duty'. Once they became old enough to get up, get their own brekkie and get dressed, i thought i'd died and gone to heaven!!! When they became teenagers and also liked to sleep in. . i was so proud of them!!! Like Mommy, like daughters!!!

Taking a week off before Christmas? I love it! I feel on top of things, organized, peaceful, glad. It still doesn't feel like Christmas to me though. Does it to you? I know that its coming at us like a speeding freight train, I just somehow find it strange to think that it is. . Maybe once I get my decorations going I'll be more into it? I have been feeling the peace and love for others feeling - its so good. I want to do good things for others, I think of God and thank him for this season, I want to eat fruitcake with marzipan. . so I bought a little one just for me today!! *i'm the only one who likes it - yes, I'm one of those weirdos * I want to bake cookies. I want to smell evergreen. I love holidays -- you too?

cold and beautiful

Its so great to see the sky, white clouds, blueness instead of greyness. Its cccccold but its so beautiful. I'm sitting here beside my sliding door, looking out as i write this. I left a poor, little pumpkin out on my deck from Halloween!!! I'm ashamed!! It looks so pathetic, topped with snow. I guess I should put it out of its misery and chuck it.

Got some shocking news from my friend Moni this a.m. We know a lady named Rose who went to the church we both used to attend. It seems that Rose was in a parked vehicle with her sister, waiting for Rose's husband to come out of the grocery store. Rose just slumped forward in her seat and died of a massive heart attack. No word came from lips -- she didn't have time. Her husband went in to get some food, and he came out minutes later to the car, to find his wife dead and his sister in law in a state of disbelief, sorrow and shock. THINK about it!!! ahhhhh!!! I mean we all know we're gonna go some time, but somehow we don't believe it will happen? Rose was . . I can't imagine that word applying to her. . was, past tense. . gone. . Rose was an immaculately coiffed, artfully clothed, cheery, organized, maternal, woman's woman. wow. . this is just so weird. I feel bad for her husband and son. . her sister, all their family - her friends. Everyone says stuff like "life's short", "here today, gone tomorrow", ' livin' on borrowed time', "when your number's up. . . " wow. . .its strange. . isn't it? People die all the time. . but how can we ever really get used to that? Someone I know instantly died in her car yesterday, but i look outside and the clouds are blowing through the sky, the sun is shining, cars are driving down the street, i'm here typing on the computer and its all so strange. I don't even know what to say - i want to put more words down but i don't even know what words to use.

there's something sobering about reminders of our mortality. . striking just the right tension between awareness of living life in the shadow of the knowledge that one day it will cease as we know it -- which right away opens into depths of philosophy, spirituality, eternity and questions of purpose - this is good to contemplate. yes, it is good. One thing that often comes to my mind is something i read somewhere that goes like this: People most likely won't remember everything you said or did, but they will always remember how you made them feel. That, almost more than anything, surfaces in my thoughts, especially when it comes to contemplating how i'm living this life i've been given. I shudder to think of the many times I messed up, acted like a graceless, selfish pig and/or caused anyone hurt. I'm really glad that there is such a thing as forgiveness - the challenge is to ask for it. I don't know about you, but sometimes i'd rather rot than ask. . stupid, i know. pride rears it ugly head.

Tonight I'm listening to a 'teaching CD' with my husband and our friend, Glen. Looking forward to it. The CD series is entitled "Walking In Love". I've listened through the whole series. . wow! its a series of messages on what it means to 'walk' in love. . live your life with love. . what that looks like, what it feels like and the responsibilities it brings. Its excellent. . its tough medicine to take sometimes, because it calls you on behaviour, attitudes, it challenges you to deal with things you'd rather not deal with. . I love that . . i may not always like it. . but i love it and i need it.

So, I do realize that i am still supposed to post pictures from the recent festivities. . and I will when i get my daughter to send me those pictures!!! I have a roll in my camera now that's almost done. . might have to wait till it get it developed, then i can scan them and post those! I must get with the program and go digital. . .yeah, i'm never among the first to go with the new technology -- i'm lazy and not anti-technology, so much as procrastinating -- perhaps its more about prioritizing? Not to mention that I've always preferred to deal with 'word pictures' than picture pictures!