spring beauty

bleeding hearts from our garden. such beautifully interesting flowers, delicately suspended from tender vines - like fairy lanterns.
their leaves look lovely in the sunlight, shades of soothing green.











i was charmed by this saggy barn, so ramshackle and weathered. . .











this is the only covered bridge remaining in Ontario -West Montrose, heart of Mennonite farm country. Horse-drawn buggies are driven by calico dress/pinafored women & wide-brim hatted/suspendered men; giving you a nostalgically time-warped feeling.

Niagara Falls

Well, we finally got there. James has been wanting to see the falls in the worst way, so it was time! Stopped off in Welland to see the locks. A huge ship was going through when we got there - freighter, full of iron ore. Didn't get photos of the ship because we'd already done the 'going crazy taking pictures' a couple of years ago. This trip was all about the falls.
Getting through "Niagara-Vegas" was a bit traumatizing. . bumper to bumper, crawling through the gaudy, neon streets was a necessary evil. Lindsay, Rob and I were talking about the chaotic feel of this tourist trap. . . wax museums, criminal museums, fast food joints, junk souvenir stands, amusement rides. . . ugh. . Normally we wouldn't go this way to see the water. . . but the alternate entrance (which also happens to be a bridge to the U.S.) was a no go. . . back up forever.

Here are some pictures of us with Lindsay and the grandkiddies! We had LOTS of fun in spite of the coolness of the air and the intermittent drizzle. The kids were quite thrilled by the majesty of that huge, jade-green river and the thundering water fall emptying into the wide, watery pathway of the Niagara Gorge. Of course there were a few urgent 'i have to pee' moments!!! involving trees and ditches. The ride home was LONG and tedious. . . the 'back way' wasn't so lovely, just endless kilometers of cows, vineyards and nondescript houses. We were all hungry and a bit testy - 2 small kids, a pregnant woman, a sick with a sinus and chest infection woman and a longsuffering man -- recipe for disaster? Could have been, but it got to be almost hilarious and wel had some good laughs. Especially when James, who had his heart set on eating at "Montana's Cookhouse", had become worried that we would never find one . Acre after acre of farmland and tiny towns only served to heighten his restaurant anxiety. His desperation reached its peak when his mother suggested that perhaps we could eat somewhere else *i.e. Wendy's*. He wailed: "But I want fine service! I want special and relaxing service!" We laughed so hard! What a precocious kid. Erica kept mimicking "Fine service, fine service. . . " Hilarious!!! They were really so good though. . . little sweethearts!! We finally did end up at his precious Montana's. We had to leave Green Acres and get back onto the express route. I don't think i was ever so happy to see urban sprawl? Not that farmland isn't beautiful, but on an overcast day, in a van-full of moody, tired, hungry travelers, the appreciation of nature was lost on us. Pulling into the restaurant parking lot was such a relief! The kids (and the adults) wolfed down their food and enjoyed the fine service!!! ha ha! Its amazing how the mood shifts when everyone has had a proper meal. The rest of the way home was nicely peaceful - we had left the monotonous dullness of "Poo-land" *James!* and we occupied ourselves with reviewing digital pics, talking, reminiscing about our fun day! Well, that was another family trip completed. Safe, sound, had a great day, what more could you ask for? And now to plan the next outing!!!

how can i explain?

i don't know how to start. . . so much to say, too much. I feel more than i can see and touch, i hear more than my ears receive, i think past my superficial thoughts - i feel what waits beyond and i know that my life is lived in the shadow of more than i can understand. There is a longing i feel when i'm not preoccupied with myself, with others, with busy work. . with life. Its always there -- i'm just not always aware. When i am, i find it hard to describe. All the similes and analogies seem to have flaws, limitations. "God has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end." (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
There, that says it better.

Brian Houston is one of my favourite songwriters. "You Are Mystical" is a wonderful song. My mind goes to this one often. . . especially when i feel so 'unfinished'. The first line of the song has come to mind a surprising number of times. It helps me to understand that its okay if i don't understand. "You are mystical and deep, you take your rest but you never sleep. . ."
The second line comforts me. "You watch me like a mother does, every scar and every tear and fall." The chorus shows the mystery of God, and paradoxically the answer for my questions. "For you're everywhere, in every place, in every time and every space
and every breath that i take, you lend. You're the only one who satisfies, the only one who makes my life make sense." I love and embrace this longing and mystery. I am learning how faith works. "What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." (Hebrews 11) I am learning to love this restlessness, because its been 'planted in my heart' to keep my spirit alive.

Maternal thoughts

First of all, my very best heartfelt wishes to all of you out there. . . mothers, motherly, nurturing women.

Next i would love to encourage those of you who need encouragement, for any and all reasons you need a boost. If you're a mom and you're busy and frazzled and sometimes feeling a bit like a runaway train in your life, take heart -- you're not alone! (i'm sure you don't need me to tell you that). Breathe, try to pace yourself and enjoy a day of celebration for YOU!!! If you're not a mom and you have had your hope to become one deferred, i hope that your desire will become reality. . and in the meantime i also hope that your maternal instincts are being put to good use --people need them. Maybe being a mom isn't for you, if not, i hope you can celebrate with your own mom, your mom in law, a woman who is like a mom for you, or maybe just feel that collective sisterhood and know your place there.

Some women may find Mother's Day difficult for reasons known only to them. If you're one of those women, i want to wish for you a day in which you can find some peace. For me, mothering is the thing that reminds me of the heart of God --the creative, compassionate, nurturing, loving, forgiving, selfless, protective, powerful heart, who made women to be like those beautiful facets of his being. For me, that gives depth of meaning to a day like this, bursting open the narrower framework of a day for mothers and opening it wide into the expanse of unconditional love, from its source, surrounding and encompassing all of us.

I'd like to share my granddaughter's book with you. . . the story isn't very long and its got a fabulous, affirming message for all mothers, all women, all those who love .

Little Miss Spider popped out of her egg. Swinging down from a thread, she hung on by one leg. Watching brothers and sisters all scooting for cover, she dangled there wondering, 'where is my mother?'. 'Did she squeeze down a hole? or dive underwater? Why won't she come out here and meet her new daughter?"

She decided to climb to the top of a tree. Gazing out on the world, she sobbed, 'Where could Mom be?' A beetle name Betty buzzed by this high perch. 'A child needs a mother. May i please help you search? I don't know for sure, but i'll offer this clue - if i were your mom, i'd be looking for you.'

They flew through the trees spying down from the sky, and asked all the butterflies fluttering by. But none of the insects they happened upon had any idea where her mother had gone. She then asked a small spider - as plump as a pig- 'Have you seen my mom? She's like me, only big.' The sly spider laughed as he gobbled his snack, 'Up there is a mother who's yellow and black.' With a heart full of joy she peered over the straw, but it wasn't her mother that Miss Spider saw. . . it was six hungry hatchlings and a goldfinch who cried, 'Your dinner's here darlings, so open up wide.'

Before she could blink she was whisked out of sight and brave beetle Betty was hugging her tight. In her warm cozy home in the bark of a tree, the kind beetle asked 'Won't you stay here with me?' Then Miss Spider smiled and held Betty fast. ' I looked for my mom and i found you at last!' For finding your mother there's one certain test. You must look for the creature who loves you the best.

changed my mind!

Yesterday i was in a funny mood, so i wrote about not wanting to do all the every day life things that we all must do. I wrote about my desire to sit around in my yoga pants and eat Nutella from the jar all day. Today's a different day and i don't feel pouty and whiny, so i took my draft version of that sucky baby post and i deleted it. Note to self: Don't post self indulgent tripe!

I've been doing a lot of reading and as usual i juggle several books at a time, just to keep things interesting. Maybe its a bad habit. Maybe its just an eccentricity. I'm still working through Prayer and i've also added in Twinkie, Deconstructed, i'm finishing up Fast Food Nation and Speaking My Mind --all rather heavy readings in their own way, so i'm glad that i've been book juggling as FFN and Twinkie both make me so mad!!! *i need to cool down by switching to something different* Speaking My Mind has that tendency, depending on the chapter, but the current chapter is about quantum physics and science and God, so its mind bending, but in a good way. Prayer, I have really been digging in there with this book and as a result am almost finished. Wow, what a book! Its one of those that when you finish you will feel the need to go through it again.

Being off work really allows for lots of time to read, which is one of the ways in which i've been putting my time to good use.

Well, i see that there may be a down time in another minute or two, so i'd better post!

Talk to you later. . .

parking lot rage?

This afternoon i went out to pick up some things at my local grocery/home store. I parked far away so i would get some extra walk time and as i got to the next row of cars i hear this yelling. I witnessed a man in perhaps his late 30s, screaming at a younger man who sat in his idling car, taking this verbal abuse. Everyone was staring including me. We couldn't seem to help ourselves. At first i thought they'd had a bump with their vehicles, but the positioning was off. I don't really know what happened, maybe young, ball-cap wearing guy had cut the older man off or taken 'his' parking spot? The screamer was clearly in need of some serious anger management. His tirade included snippets like : "GOOD! LET THEM STARE!" and "I DON'T CARE IF THEY ALL HEAR! *we all did* 'I HAVE A KID IN THE CAR HERE!! AND YOU THINK YOU CAN HAVE ANY PARKING SPACE YOU WANT?!!' (at which point i thought: Get a grip man! You're gonna burst a blood vessel!). Not such a great example for his kid. I decided to keep walking and i merged with another group of gawkers who were also store bound. I looked at this one man and we rolled our eyes. I said: "I've heard of road rage, but i guess there's also parking lot rage?" He shook his head in agreement and said: "Its summer now." I think there's something to that. After winter, people get a little hyper and crazy. Girls walk around in giggling clutches, guys drive around the streets like idiots, fast and loud -- rumbling and whining motorcycles increase my hearing loss in yearly increments, people start with the tank tops, shorts and sandals when its still too cold! If full moon craziness is lunacy, what is fair weather craziness called?! . . . summer?! BAH!

Anyway, i hope young parking lot guy exercises a little more caution and consideration. Parking lots and streets do contain other people. (if inconsideration prompted that episode? i'm not even sure) and i really hope that older, yelling man learns to control his temper - whether or not his tantrum was justified. And they say that women are drama queens? nu-uh.

"bread" book?

There's fluffy white bread - italian loaf, farmhouse white, wonderbread - no appreciable nutrients, devoid of fibre, gluey, unhealthy junk bread. .

Then there's dense, stone-ground, 12 grain loaf - heavy, fibrous, filling, satisfying and vitamin rich.

Books can be just like bread. .

I'm reading a dense, whole-grain book right now on the subject of prayer. Its simply called "Prayer" . The author is Philip Yancey. I like Mr. Yancey's way with words. I like his doubts and questions. I like how he doesn't just blithely join the 'just believe' camp. He pulls up the log and lets all the creatures underneath crawl out and he examines them - not with disgust, but with a desire for honest learning. Ultimately he comes to the faith side. . . exercising it, living it, believing in the language of prayer and in its power. This is no literary wonderbread. It sticks with you. You can't eat too much at once. It takes time to digest. Prayer seems like a simple thing and to everyone it may bring a different association, reaction, opinion. Some aren't interested in prayer. Some think its okay, follow your own path. Some may be active pray-ers who love their relationship with God and maybe others find the notion of communicating with an invisible someone more than a little bizarre.

I'm in a relationship with God. I'm learning how to live. The world isn't always so good at teaching me. I need a better model. . . so, i'm a life-long apprentice. Though there are certain ways to learn about God and know him: Bible reading, praying, listening to 'sermons', reading "Christian" books, its surprising how many other ways there are to learn: talking to people, reading a billboard while you drive, helping others, watching movies, listening to music, working hard at something, experiencing hardship. I have a very creative teacher. Even so, its easy to get used to living a life of 'faith' and before i know it, i think i've learned plenty and i easily become teflon coated. . . valuable lessons slide right off me cuz i think i've already covered that. This is one of the reasons i bought this book. As i plod my way through it i find myself almost overwhelmed with the sheer magnitude of my ignorance. I thought i knew so much. Shame on me. Sometimes being an apprentice means eating humble pie over and over and over again!!!

I'll leave you with a quote and with that i'll say goodnight.

" Prayer remains a struggle for me. On the other hand, so does forgiving someone who has wronged me. So does loving my neighbour. So does caring for the needy. I persist in prayer because i am fulfilling God's command and also because i believe i am doing what is best for me, whether or not i feel like it at the time. . . The great English preacher Leslie Weatherhead's experience echoes that of many others: 'I have always found prayer difficult. So often it seems like a fruitless game of hide and seek in which we seek and God hides. I know God is patient with me. Without that patience i should be lost. But frankly i have to be patient with him. With no other friend would i go on seeking with such scant, conscious response. Yet i cannot leave prayer alone for long. My need drives me to him. And I have a feeling that he has his own reasons for hiding himself, and that finally my seeking will prove infinitely worthwhile. . . i long for more satisfaction but I cannot cease from questing. Jesus sometimes found prayer difficult. Some of his most agonized prayers were not answered. But he did not give up his praying. I frankly have little to show for all my prayers, but i cannot give up, for my soul longs for Christ and i know that outside God there is nothing at all but death.'

26 years today

Us -- then and now. Wow, its hard to believe that i met this man in 1977, married him in 1981. Its hard to believe that we have adult children. Its even harder to believe that we have grandchildren!! This is my best friend. I knew the week i met him that i would marry him. I didn't tell him at the time *way to scare someone off!* My friends thought i was insane when i shared my intuition at lunch period, first day of school in grade 10!!!! Four years later, 3 months shy of my 19th birthday, we were married. Rob was 1 month away from 20. What were we thinking??!!!! While i wouldn't advise this, there's no disputing the fact that others we know who married much later are now no longer together. We pretty much grew up together and and now we're growing old together?! Bah! Okay, not old. . . we're growing hopefully wiser together!





The stories in all these years. . so many i can't tell them. It would be a novel. So many experiences, trials, joys -- everything together. He knows the real me and i know the real him. When i first met him, he made my heart skip. He still does. Robbie, i know you don't often read this, but if you do, this message is for you: "Happy anniversary. I LOVE YOU!!!Thank you for loving me."

*sigh!* you know what a sucker i am for romance. . .

kitchen fiasco

well i never thought i'd say this, but i did some baking the other day and i regretted it severely. Everything i made tasted like &^%$ Wow, was that ever a waste of time, ingredients and effort. I still feel slightly traumatized. I am trying to eat a more nutritious diet, Rob is doing this with me and everything was going really well until i decided to bake some of the recipes in this book: http://www.gidiet.com/en-ca

While i absolutely recommend the methods and the food choices, etc. for this lifestyle plan, i cannot, in good conscience, recommend baking any of their snacks or desserts. The "peanut butter bars" tasted liked cardboard. The "apple bran muffins" had such a sickly sweet aftertaste, gag me. Oh, man. . . what to do? I have realized that i can't live without baking. . it is like a lifelong form of therapy for me. When i bake, i feel fabulous. I love my tools, my kitchen. . i love beating the butter and sugar together, cracking the eggs, melting the chocolate, assembling a cake, pulling a pan of cookies out of the oven, rolling out a pie crust, working with fruit, spices. The smells, the feel of kneading dough, the sight of shiny, darkly delicious ganache when it cascades in a chocolatey sheet over truffles, cakes. . such a thrill. When i was a little girl there was no food network, in fact there were very few cooking shows, but what few existed, i watched with fascination. The French Chef, The Galloping Gourmet, Ruth Fremes' show on CBC, even the Kraft commercials during the Carol Burnett Show, showing those adept, manicured hands, mixing ingredients in glass bowls *i don't know why they didn't show the whole person, but it was still cool* . . . i loved them all! So, you can see how this ridiculously depressing baking session seemed to threaten an entire lifetime of enjoyment, from my sandbox 'bakery' to mastering a genoise sponge cake. This made me feel like i used to feel when i was 9 years old and my pie crust turned out as tough as shoe leather, or my cookies melted into one thin, brittle mess on the cookie sheet. NOT COOL!!!

So, for 80% of the time I will be a good girl and i will eat well and stick to g.i. index, but when and if i bake anything, it MUST be without splenda, without 'liquid egg product', without enough fibre to choke a horse and i WILL use butter, chocolate, sugar, cream, real eggs and other luxurious goodies! Life is too short to pretend that fibrous gloop can pass for baking. Dear baking, let's never speak of that horrific episode again. . . we'll just have to see a bit less of each other, i love you just the way you are!!!

World Container

Ever get so grooved in with an album you can't stop playing it?!!!! Of course you have!!!! Well, this band: http://www.thehip.com is so playing around and around in my head these days i have to keep playing the disc until i can't play it any more. Problem is, i haven't gotten there yet! play, play, play, play, play. . i love it! The lyrics. . . well they're sort of inscrutable but i absolutely can't resist the pull. Nothing makes sense but it all makes perfect sense. the vocals rock, the rock rocks. My daughters and even Rob, well they were fans before i was. Rob and KK recently saw them live! *lucky ducks*. If you're not familiar with their stuff, check out their site, give a listen to some tracks, maybe? If you love 'em, AWESOME!

night!

p.s. i've given my head a shake and come out of my incoherent funk, i guess you might have noticed? still feel the same, but life is all about learning to live with the tension of living, right? sometimes emotional wrecks like me get wrecked. . . occupational hazard.

whack

what's happening????

why is there such darkness and how is it that some people cross over and swim in it? then pull others down in their undertow.

things are out of whack. things are whack. these random jabs suddenly shake us. no one talks about much else and we all say the same things. we try to make sense of senseless. how hard is that? there's so much going on, here, there. close. far. what to do? why bombs in markets? why displaced and home-less? why pain? why injustice? why mud huts and parasitic water holes? why so many long rows of chocolate bars in fluorescent storehouses? infinity pools at Home Depot? so many colours of paint? cushions at Homesense, with tassles or without? The sky is falling, or the ice caps are melting and the parties on The Hill argue about the cost of Kyoto and incandescent bulbs will soon be gone. We recycled our old computer parts today. I apologize. . .i can't seem to be coherent, but maybe this makes sense?

time to sign off. . next time i'll have pictures and i'll be together, perhaps.

that's love

you took on what you despised, so i could live in paradise, that's love -- that's love
you became the thing you hate, so i could walk through heaven's gate, you gave me life. . .
that's love

you were wronged and turned your cheek
You let them think that you were weak
you had a chance but did not speak
you took my blame. . . that's love

the whip fell down and cut your skin
so i could be redeemed from sin that's love. . that's love
you let them pierce your feet and hands
so i could reach the promised land
you felt my pain. . . that's love


you could have called your angels down, but you wore
that thorny crown and as they gambled for your gown
you bore my shame. . . that's love

you were crushed and bruised and torn
so that i could be reborn. . that's love, that's love
you were slain and broken down
so that i could wear a crown
you saved my soul
that's love

death could not contain your love
you rose and broke its chains with love
and i'm forever changed by love
your love. . . your love

renewal

Oh, I will not let this post be about the 'p-word'. It will be short because of it, but i'm tired of being overtaken by and defined by its unwelcome presence in my life!

Don't we all love new?! My friend, Sherri posted on spring and her post inspired me to think more of the way spring makes us feel. It has this effect on people who've gotten through a period of dead/cold/barrenness. Spring is like the earth being literally resurrected every year -- from no growth to new growth, from frigid wind to warmer breezes, from relative quiet to birdsongs. No wonder it does this renewing this inside us!! I feel like i am being simultaneously resurrected !!! Each year it amazes me and it may be a Canadian/cold winter phenomenon . . . but we 'hibernate' quite a bit in the cold months and once they're finished, you see EVERYONE out of their houses!! Dog walkers, skateboarders, bike riders, more joggers, kids decorating sidewalks with pastel chalk. Everyone feels it. . . new life in the streets! It feels like a neighbourhood again! It feels now like everything needs renewing, whereas a few weeks ago I was still in 'winter mode'. Didn't seem to have that desire to change or grow, as if awaiting the solstice to bump start me into full living. I've been more conscious of the effect of 'middle age' on my skin, so i was entranced yesterday by a skin care infomercial for "Reclaim" featuring "Age Braker" -- i have to admit, i want to buy some!! Perhaps even my skin needs renewal?! *I'm thinking of Springsteen's 'Dancing in the Dark': "Wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face. . " (my room, my yard, etc?!) Last night Rob and I went out and we bought the inspiration to re-do our room. . . a new bedding set. Got a great deal too! Chocolate brown with pinstripes of gold and light blue -- there's the palette for the whole room. The contrast between the old colours on the walls, floor with this new colour focus is jarringly ridiculous!!! It won't be long before the whole thing is new. . .renewal can't be held back!!!! Once you get your mind into it, everything else follows.

Think new. . . feel it and enjoy it!

miscellaneous stuff

Hey everyone!I'm updating a bit. After spending several frustrating minutes relearning how to update my profile photo, i feel like i'm approaching the end of my sitting at the computer time limit!!! BAH!!! I'm into my second week off work. I don't like it much - yet it is restful and certainly less stressful! My job now is trying to avoid anything that makes things worse for me, to attend my physio sessions and to do my tiny, piddly exercises. Hey! New development in the investigation front -- my distant, summer MRI has already taken place! I was called last Wed. at supper to come in for the next morning early -- EEK!! *hard for a non-morning person* I got there, spent my 20 minutes in 'the tube'. . . which was strangely astronautish and noisy!!! Now to await the results -- drumroll. . . . . . . . it'll be a few more days. My therapist keeps saying its 'disc-ey'. Makes sense with the persisting pins& needles nonsense. I really know its time to stop when i get those voodoo doll pin jabs in my neck, which is happening now, so I'm signing off. I'll try one more para - i hate giving in!

My grandkids are cute as ever. . . James is in a deep Elvis phase - not the bloated, sweating, jumpsuited Elvis but the lean, mean dancing machine of the 50s . When we show him the 70s concerts, he asks us to turn them off! He also hates ballads. . so its been a steady diet of Lawdy Miss Clawdy, King Creole, Jailhouse Rock and That's All Right Momma around here when Jimmy comes to visit! He says he wants to be an "Elvis actor" when he grows up! Erica is in a Beauty and the Beast obsession right now. We all have to role play being the Beast (she gets to be Belle, natch!). I kept books, figurines and B.A.T.B. barbies from Lindsay and KK -- so its so cool to see these appreciated now by my granddaughter!!! Eri is so much about the make up. . the high heels, the bling bling on anything!!! My daughters are beautiful and busy! Linds at work, KK at school. This empty nest thing, well we're adjusting, but its never truly empty - visits from one or both of our girls happen frequently enough to keep us from pining away. Its the normal state of things - kids grow up and move out *and i think they're quite happy to!*
Rob is always busy at work. He's enjoying the Canadian male's obsession -- hockey season! He brought home a spring bouquet of flowers the other day, just because!!! He's sweet.

Okay, gotta go. . I hope you're having a good week? I am reading up on your blogs and enjoying them!

much love from me,

i want to blog. . .

hi! i want to sit and write something, but i know i'm not going to be able to last very long. i'm trying very hard to feel like myself, to feel like i'm defined by something and anything other than pain. I've never had such continuous physical pain for such a long period. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to stay 'up'. I have been exhausting myself, working in a fast-paced, busy office -- even on alternate duties i get wrung out. You know though, i have loved it in spite of the p-word that holds me hostage. I have learned so much -- i can't even believe how much a part of 'the team' i feel working in there with such amazing people. My heart is full of love for them and gratitude for this time spent with them. I have actually loved my job for the first time in . . . .uh. . . . . forever!!! Variety is just what i've craved at work and have had a tremendous amount of the last few months.

But now this must end and i must take a month off to try to find some healing. . that's the first step. . there may be others to take, but i don't know what they are now. I can't see beyond this hole i'm in, so its hard to think of myself as having employment options. . i can't even conceive of feeling 'normal' right now, feeling useful, vital. Right now, normal is this and it sucks. Any time in which i'm not lying down and unconscious (which is difficult to get to without strong analgesic assistance) is a difficulty. Still, I can't bring myself to admit my weakness. I try to fight it, but who am i kidding? I think i can take it, can rise above it, i can still be 'me'. . . but i don't like this version of me. I'm still trying my best to love life and i really do. . . but this? ugh. . . i hate it. I have an MRI booked for 5 1/2 months from now. . (though i'm on a cancellation list). Canadian medicine at its best. Its thought that i have a disc bulge, pressing on a nerve/nerves (accounting for the neurogenic pain and constant, extremely uncomfortable numbness of my left arm, which is all tied to the abnormal curvature at the junction of the C-spine (neck) and T-spine (top part of the spine). At times i get these stabbing pains at this spot, other times in my arm -- like someone's made a voodoo doll of me and is jabbing me with pins. Every physio appointment in which attempts are made to straighten my crookedness is hellishly pain-ridden. Every time i go there, i approach the place with a mixture of dread and desperate hope.

oh, that's me done. . gotta lie down.

cool windows and us with KK

These were some of the windows in the gorgeous old hall in which the honour list ceremony took place! It was really "Harry Potter"!!!! There are a couple of photos of us with KK outside of this beautiful place. . . Linds, you and Jimmy would LOVE this hall! I actually took the pics with you two in mind (with your love of antiquity) There's something so wonderful about these old, historic buildings!!!!!

 

Some more pics!

i didn't want to let my blogging slide. . so i'm doing something here that doesn't require much typing, which is too painful these days, unfortunately. . . .

First pic is taken at KKs "Dean's Honour List" ceremony at her university. . Rob and I both had that day off and it was such a great day!





Second pic is taken at Eri's 3rd birthday party. . . . . . this is her 'princess castle cake'! Made by me, KK and Rob!! It was a toughie, but so delicious and what a great result.





Third pic. . . . the grandkiddies in Opa's chair, eating popsicles! CUTE!



Fourth pic: Lindsay in 'the reading chair' . . in the days before my corner shelf went in! 

January pics

this is my favourite corner -- my reading place. I love the dark, earthy colours, The sunlight here in the morning washes over everything.





dining with the family . . . From the top left of the table: in white is Alice, next to her is Dale (our sister in law and Rob's brother - from Winnipeg). Top right: Mom, Heather (Rob's sis), KK (our youngest daughter), Savanna (our niece - H's daughter), Linds (our oldest daughter), Eri and James (our grandkiddies) and me in the red shirt (Robbie is taking the pic, of course!)












Last 2 pictures were taken from Middle Eastern Night - girls' night out!!! This soiree was held in my living room -- decor, food, music and after-dinner belly dancing - all as authentic as possible! We had a blast!!!! Rob made a table especially designed for lounging on the floor on pillows. It was such an adventure -- imagine 'traveling' to such an exotic place and never leaving your house?! Monika, MaryLynn and Donna. . . i love you girls!!! We have SUCH fun together!!! I already have some ideas for something completely different!!!!

pain and my brain

I feel 90 years old today. I'm so sick of living every day with physical pain. I feel desperate.
I hate this part of my life, this pain. Most of every day i try my best to keep my mind off of the way it feels. It lays this dark undercurrent that flows beneath my joy, my happy thoughts. It does funny things to my thoughts. The insistent nature of pain demands a lot from your brain. All you can think is: ouch,ouch,ouch, ouch, ow, oh, that's not good, ouch, ouch, ouch. . okay, that makes it worse, ow. . it never shuts off. In fact, i try to fight every day to shut that voice up. . and i can't do it. I make my mind tired with this. My body gets tired along with my mind. My emotions get dragged in the dirt, if i let myself think"why must i endure this?" i'm quickly overwhelmed with the psychology of the pain and the balance tips into despair. Stoic, i can be stoic most of the time but i'm not feeling so strong at the moment. Sometimes when people ask me how i'm feeling, i'd like to be able to touch their hand, transmit my pain to them for just a minute. No words would be needed. Some people wish for cool cars, a new house, financial independence. I wish for a day without pain. *not that i wouldn't like a cool car or a heap of money!!* I know that some people have it way worse. I try to keep some perspective. Sometimes though i turn inward, like tonight, and i have trouble thinking clearly or seeing beyond myself.

I have begun another course of physiotherapy. I like the place and i really like my therapist. She's cool and really personable AND the office is almost next door to my favourite chocolate shop!!!! mmmmm. . .

I have my neck taped again. . my therapist taped it on Tuesday, took the tape off today -- manipulated my spine and head. . put some nice heat on things for 15 minutes, and taped me up again. I've had my shoulders taped before, which if you've ever had misalignment issues with any of your bones/joints and you've have them taped up into their proper place. . . ahhhhhhhh!! almost feels as lovely as lying on a beach in the Caribbean! This taping. . .well it doesn't feel as good as Tuesday's. . which initially felt good but soon gave me a shift in my pain focus, as the 'new' position was established and everything went into 'shock'. . . didn't like the change. I'm there now, again. . . the muscles aren't liking this. . the bones, well i don't think they do either and my brain doesn't know what's going on. I feel extremely fatigued. Why??! What is it about mental distress, physical pain that causes physical fatigue? If I can detach my mind from my body, i find this weirdly intriguing.

I keep coming back to the human trinity. When 1 part of the 3 hurts, all 3 feel it. Do you find this to be true in your life experience? Say you're in emotional pain -- this causes you to feel physical fatigue, you have clouded thoughts. The pain in 1 part demands help or at least sympathy from the other 2 parts (your mind and your body). Sometimes we try to live only in one or two parts of ourselves and we get out of line and any change towards alignment hurts and we resist the change -- putting up with the pain, or finding ways to drown it rather than submitting to the discomfort of treatment.

If you've had pain, I'm sure you've wished for it to be removed. The interesting thing about it, besides its amazing 'warning' properties to insure that you will do something about it, is the fact that until you've suffered, you have no appreciation of what it is to feel relief. Isn't that true? I'm getting philosophical here, i know. . but philosophical is way better than having a pity party! I wanted to throw one of those for myself before i started writing this, but now I don't feel like it. . so i'm gonna go relax, put my feet up, put a hot pack around my neck and across my shoulder blades, breathe in deeply, think about letting joy stay on top, keeping that dark undercurrent in check and allowing myself to feel integrated and whole in spite of everything.

coldest night of the year

3 years ago in the dead of winter, our furnace expired. We froze for 5 days, despite the loan of 3 space heaters from our gas company, while we waited for a new furnace. Each day brought new adventures. . showering in a heatless house in Canada in the winter, sitting on ice-cold toilet seats, sleeping in a room that felt like a meat locker -- ah, good times.

My Saturday thoughts post highlighted our recent brokenness. . . . and now there's more.

Today is the coldest day of the year (so far). Rob dropped me off home after work so I could let Maggie out -- with my fingers crossed that she didn't leave a pee puddle anywhere, or get into a waste basket and shred the used kleenexes. She didn't. Good girl!!! Rob went to pick up Mom for supper and i started to tidy up. I touched the dining room table - it felt cold. Oh no. . . . . I looked at the thermostat -- 62 degrees F -- we never bothered to change it to Celsius (like good Canadians should!) Nothing seemed amiss. But, of course it was.

I tried everything. Rob and Mom got here with supper - he tried everything. We shivered through our meal, Rob with fork in one hand and phone in the other, phone book opened on the table to the "F" pages. I could say something here. . . lol! frig. . that's all - honestly. We had initially thought we'd deal with either the gas company or the gas supplier company. Sheisters!! Each quoted astronomically ridiculous fees - forget that. Back to the yellow pages. Called a big-name place, they wanted to know the make. Rob took the phone down with him to find out. They couldn't promise they could fix it tonight, as they deal mostly with one particular brand. Rob came back up. I asked him, as i flipped through the yellow pages, : "Rob, what make is it?" He replied: "Its a Payne." heh heh. . . yeah.

Of course we had just rejected an 'extended service agreement' with the company that had instaled the sucker -- and I mean JUST. . d'oh! We had reasoned that because it was so new and shiny why should we pay monthly for something we might not need for 10 years? HA! It seems that without an agreement things go like this: "$99 for the call, $99 for the diagnosis and ??? for the parts, plus labour and taxes.

Finally, after some unsuccessful attempts at finding someone to give us some heat, we called a local company and as Rob talked to the humourless receptionist, with Mom and I eating our dessert at the table, the dialogue goes like this: Rob: "Ah, yes, I'd like a service rep to come to my house." (and some other boring particulars) Receptionist: "All right, sir and what is the make of your furnace." Rob: "Uh, its a Payne." **Mom and I are laughing our heads off!!!*** Rob starts to chuckle but kept it together. . he tries to joke with the lady about it being a pain -- she wasn't even faintly amused. We thought it was funny. We won't forget that meal for a while. Icicles practically forming on our toes, blankets around our shoulders. . only thing warm was the food, i don't think i've ever had the desire to put my feet in my food before, so that was a first.

Well, i'm gonna go to dance class now -- at least i'll work up some warmth bouncing around for an hour. . and maybe when i get back we'll have some heat? Please?!!!!!! gahhhh!!!! ssssso cccccold. . .