Thursday, March 08, 2007

i want to blog. . .

hi! i want to sit and write something, but i know i'm not going to be able to last very long. i'm trying very hard to feel like myself, to feel like i'm defined by something and anything other than pain. I've never had such continuous physical pain for such a long period. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to stay 'up'. I have been exhausting myself, working in a fast-paced, busy office -- even on alternate duties i get wrung out. You know though, i have loved it in spite of the p-word that holds me hostage. I have learned so much -- i can't even believe how much a part of 'the team' i feel working in there with such amazing people. My heart is full of love for them and gratitude for this time spent with them. I have actually loved my job for the first time in . . . .uh. . . . . forever!!! Variety is just what i've craved at work and have had a tremendous amount of the last few months.

But now this must end and i must take a month off to try to find some healing. . that's the first step. . there may be others to take, but i don't know what they are now. I can't see beyond this hole i'm in, so its hard to think of myself as having employment options. . i can't even conceive of feeling 'normal' right now, feeling useful, vital. Right now, normal is this and it sucks. Any time in which i'm not lying down and unconscious (which is difficult to get to without strong analgesic assistance) is a difficulty. Still, I can't bring myself to admit my weakness. I try to fight it, but who am i kidding? I think i can take it, can rise above it, i can still be 'me'. . . but i don't like this version of me. I'm still trying my best to love life and i really do. . . but this? ugh. . . i hate it. I have an MRI booked for 5 1/2 months from now. . (though i'm on a cancellation list). Canadian medicine at its best. Its thought that i have a disc bulge, pressing on a nerve/nerves (accounting for the neurogenic pain and constant, extremely uncomfortable numbness of my left arm, which is all tied to the abnormal curvature at the junction of the C-spine (neck) and T-spine (top part of the spine). At times i get these stabbing pains at this spot, other times in my arm -- like someone's made a voodoo doll of me and is jabbing me with pins. Every physio appointment in which attempts are made to straighten my crookedness is hellishly pain-ridden. Every time i go there, i approach the place with a mixture of dread and desperate hope.

oh, that's me done. . gotta lie down.


J9 said...

Yeah, definitely sounds like something neurological going on there - I hope they can figure it out, and soon! I'll be praying for a cancellation for you, so you can get in for the MRI sooner.

I deal with so many people in pain in my job, and the thing that angers me the most is when someone fakes it, so they can get money out of it. It just makes a mockery of what someone like you is having to go through.

Hang in there, girl!

Kathryn said...

oh, Janine. . thanx so much for your encouragement! It means a lot to me. You took such good care of me that time at camp when i had that horrible 'skit-gone-wrong' back injury!!! Who else can say that they had a heavy utility table and 4 grown women fall on their back?! That was so painful. . .yikes! Thanx for your prayers. I REALLY want to get the MRI on a cancellation. . it could happen, right?! Yeah, i'll bet you deal with all kinds, girl! I can't imagine faking an injury or disability just to get money. .people have no qualms about it though. This paresthesia is ridiculously uncomfortable! Even my fingernails are numb. grrrr. ..

Hey! Enough of the crappiness. How are you and Doug???!!!!!! xo

J9 said...

We're doing good! Still in Scarborough, but hoping to get out soon!

Drop me a line at and we can chat!

Gina said...

I hate that you're in pain still.
I hate that things aren't going as you want.
I hate that you can't live a normal life.
I hate that you are feeling so down because of it all.
But I KNOW that God is going to do something through this... for YOUR good. Whether it be an unexpected cancelation, or a miracle cure, or a month off with family and memories that couldn't be had otherwise... I KNOW He loves you too much to let this go on without any kind of hope.

Praying for you friend...

Kathryn said...

j9! thanx for the email, hon. . I'll have plenty of time now to write, but computer time seems to aggravate things, so maybe smaller emails, more often? Its SO nice to be in touch again!!!

Gina. . you are so wonderful. Thank you for being my friend! I'm so grateful to dh for their website - how else would we have been able to 'meet'?! Of course you're right in everything you've said here, hon. I appreciate your prayers so much. I'm positive that the prayers of all my friends is responsible for keeping me sane!!! How are you, Gina?! I'll have much more time now, and i will write you a little note very soon. I get tired of focusing on this -- i'd love to hear about things with you!

Drumstick said...

Hi Kathryn, Just to let you know that Lorraine & I are praying for you. Remember we are only a telphone call away if you want to chat.


emma said...

Oh Kat, how I wish I could do something to ease your pain! In the absence of that, know I;m praying for you, and thinking of you! Drop me an email (spoyd AT hotmail DOT com), got something for you!