hi! i want to sit and write something, but i know i'm not going to be able to last very long. i'm trying very hard to feel like myself, to feel like i'm defined by something and anything other than pain. I've never had such continuous physical pain for such a long period. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to stay 'up'. I have been exhausting myself, working in a fast-paced, busy office -- even on alternate duties i get wrung out. You know though, i have loved it in spite of the p-word that holds me hostage. I have learned so much -- i can't even believe how much a part of 'the team' i feel working in there with such amazing people. My heart is full of love for them and gratitude for this time spent with them. I have actually loved my job for the first time in . . . .uh. . . . . forever!!! Variety is just what i've craved at work and have had a tremendous amount of the last few months.
But now this must end and i must take a month off to try to find some healing. . that's the first step. . there may be others to take, but i don't know what they are now. I can't see beyond this hole i'm in, so its hard to think of myself as having employment options. . i can't even conceive of feeling 'normal' right now, feeling useful, vital. Right now, normal is this and it sucks. Any time in which i'm not lying down and unconscious (which is difficult to get to without strong analgesic assistance) is a difficulty. Still, I can't bring myself to admit my weakness. I try to fight it, but who am i kidding? I think i can take it, can rise above it, i can still be 'me'. . . but i don't like this version of me. I'm still trying my best to love life and i really do. . . but this? ugh. . . i hate it. I have an MRI booked for 5 1/2 months from now. . (though i'm on a cancellation list). Canadian medicine at its best. Its thought that i have a disc bulge, pressing on a nerve/nerves (accounting for the neurogenic pain and constant, extremely uncomfortable numbness of my left arm, which is all tied to the abnormal curvature at the junction of the C-spine (neck) and T-spine (top part of the spine). At times i get these stabbing pains at this spot, other times in my arm -- like someone's made a voodoo doll of me and is jabbing me with pins. Every physio appointment in which attempts are made to straighten my crookedness is hellishly pain-ridden. Every time i go there, i approach the place with a mixture of dread and desperate hope.
oh, that's me done. . gotta lie down.