renewal

Oh, I will not let this post be about the 'p-word'. It will be short because of it, but i'm tired of being overtaken by and defined by its unwelcome presence in my life!

Don't we all love new?! My friend, Sherri posted on spring and her post inspired me to think more of the way spring makes us feel. It has this effect on people who've gotten through a period of dead/cold/barrenness. Spring is like the earth being literally resurrected every year -- from no growth to new growth, from frigid wind to warmer breezes, from relative quiet to birdsongs. No wonder it does this renewing this inside us!! I feel like i am being simultaneously resurrected !!! Each year it amazes me and it may be a Canadian/cold winter phenomenon . . . but we 'hibernate' quite a bit in the cold months and once they're finished, you see EVERYONE out of their houses!! Dog walkers, skateboarders, bike riders, more joggers, kids decorating sidewalks with pastel chalk. Everyone feels it. . . new life in the streets! It feels like a neighbourhood again! It feels now like everything needs renewing, whereas a few weeks ago I was still in 'winter mode'. Didn't seem to have that desire to change or grow, as if awaiting the solstice to bump start me into full living. I've been more conscious of the effect of 'middle age' on my skin, so i was entranced yesterday by a skin care infomercial for "Reclaim" featuring "Age Braker" -- i have to admit, i want to buy some!! Perhaps even my skin needs renewal?! *I'm thinking of Springsteen's 'Dancing in the Dark': "Wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face. . " (my room, my yard, etc?!) Last night Rob and I went out and we bought the inspiration to re-do our room. . . a new bedding set. Got a great deal too! Chocolate brown with pinstripes of gold and light blue -- there's the palette for the whole room. The contrast between the old colours on the walls, floor with this new colour focus is jarringly ridiculous!!! It won't be long before the whole thing is new. . .renewal can't be held back!!!! Once you get your mind into it, everything else follows.

Think new. . . feel it and enjoy it!

miscellaneous stuff

Hey everyone!I'm updating a bit. After spending several frustrating minutes relearning how to update my profile photo, i feel like i'm approaching the end of my sitting at the computer time limit!!! BAH!!! I'm into my second week off work. I don't like it much - yet it is restful and certainly less stressful! My job now is trying to avoid anything that makes things worse for me, to attend my physio sessions and to do my tiny, piddly exercises. Hey! New development in the investigation front -- my distant, summer MRI has already taken place! I was called last Wed. at supper to come in for the next morning early -- EEK!! *hard for a non-morning person* I got there, spent my 20 minutes in 'the tube'. . . which was strangely astronautish and noisy!!! Now to await the results -- drumroll. . . . . . . . it'll be a few more days. My therapist keeps saying its 'disc-ey'. Makes sense with the persisting pins& needles nonsense. I really know its time to stop when i get those voodoo doll pin jabs in my neck, which is happening now, so I'm signing off. I'll try one more para - i hate giving in!

My grandkids are cute as ever. . . James is in a deep Elvis phase - not the bloated, sweating, jumpsuited Elvis but the lean, mean dancing machine of the 50s . When we show him the 70s concerts, he asks us to turn them off! He also hates ballads. . so its been a steady diet of Lawdy Miss Clawdy, King Creole, Jailhouse Rock and That's All Right Momma around here when Jimmy comes to visit! He says he wants to be an "Elvis actor" when he grows up! Erica is in a Beauty and the Beast obsession right now. We all have to role play being the Beast (she gets to be Belle, natch!). I kept books, figurines and B.A.T.B. barbies from Lindsay and KK -- so its so cool to see these appreciated now by my granddaughter!!! Eri is so much about the make up. . the high heels, the bling bling on anything!!! My daughters are beautiful and busy! Linds at work, KK at school. This empty nest thing, well we're adjusting, but its never truly empty - visits from one or both of our girls happen frequently enough to keep us from pining away. Its the normal state of things - kids grow up and move out *and i think they're quite happy to!*
Rob is always busy at work. He's enjoying the Canadian male's obsession -- hockey season! He brought home a spring bouquet of flowers the other day, just because!!! He's sweet.

Okay, gotta go. . I hope you're having a good week? I am reading up on your blogs and enjoying them!

much love from me,

i want to blog. . .

hi! i want to sit and write something, but i know i'm not going to be able to last very long. i'm trying very hard to feel like myself, to feel like i'm defined by something and anything other than pain. I've never had such continuous physical pain for such a long period. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to stay 'up'. I have been exhausting myself, working in a fast-paced, busy office -- even on alternate duties i get wrung out. You know though, i have loved it in spite of the p-word that holds me hostage. I have learned so much -- i can't even believe how much a part of 'the team' i feel working in there with such amazing people. My heart is full of love for them and gratitude for this time spent with them. I have actually loved my job for the first time in . . . .uh. . . . . forever!!! Variety is just what i've craved at work and have had a tremendous amount of the last few months.

But now this must end and i must take a month off to try to find some healing. . that's the first step. . there may be others to take, but i don't know what they are now. I can't see beyond this hole i'm in, so its hard to think of myself as having employment options. . i can't even conceive of feeling 'normal' right now, feeling useful, vital. Right now, normal is this and it sucks. Any time in which i'm not lying down and unconscious (which is difficult to get to without strong analgesic assistance) is a difficulty. Still, I can't bring myself to admit my weakness. I try to fight it, but who am i kidding? I think i can take it, can rise above it, i can still be 'me'. . . but i don't like this version of me. I'm still trying my best to love life and i really do. . . but this? ugh. . . i hate it. I have an MRI booked for 5 1/2 months from now. . (though i'm on a cancellation list). Canadian medicine at its best. Its thought that i have a disc bulge, pressing on a nerve/nerves (accounting for the neurogenic pain and constant, extremely uncomfortable numbness of my left arm, which is all tied to the abnormal curvature at the junction of the C-spine (neck) and T-spine (top part of the spine). At times i get these stabbing pains at this spot, other times in my arm -- like someone's made a voodoo doll of me and is jabbing me with pins. Every physio appointment in which attempts are made to straighten my crookedness is hellishly pain-ridden. Every time i go there, i approach the place with a mixture of dread and desperate hope.

oh, that's me done. . gotta lie down.

cool windows and us with KK

These were some of the windows in the gorgeous old hall in which the honour list ceremony took place! It was really "Harry Potter"!!!! There are a couple of photos of us with KK outside of this beautiful place. . . Linds, you and Jimmy would LOVE this hall! I actually took the pics with you two in mind (with your love of antiquity) There's something so wonderful about these old, historic buildings!!!!!

 

Some more pics!

i didn't want to let my blogging slide. . so i'm doing something here that doesn't require much typing, which is too painful these days, unfortunately. . . .

First pic is taken at KKs "Dean's Honour List" ceremony at her university. . Rob and I both had that day off and it was such a great day!





Second pic is taken at Eri's 3rd birthday party. . . . . . this is her 'princess castle cake'! Made by me, KK and Rob!! It was a toughie, but so delicious and what a great result.





Third pic. . . . the grandkiddies in Opa's chair, eating popsicles! CUTE!



Fourth pic: Lindsay in 'the reading chair' . . in the days before my corner shelf went in! 

January pics

this is my favourite corner -- my reading place. I love the dark, earthy colours, The sunlight here in the morning washes over everything.





dining with the family . . . From the top left of the table: in white is Alice, next to her is Dale (our sister in law and Rob's brother - from Winnipeg). Top right: Mom, Heather (Rob's sis), KK (our youngest daughter), Savanna (our niece - H's daughter), Linds (our oldest daughter), Eri and James (our grandkiddies) and me in the red shirt (Robbie is taking the pic, of course!)












Last 2 pictures were taken from Middle Eastern Night - girls' night out!!! This soiree was held in my living room -- decor, food, music and after-dinner belly dancing - all as authentic as possible! We had a blast!!!! Rob made a table especially designed for lounging on the floor on pillows. It was such an adventure -- imagine 'traveling' to such an exotic place and never leaving your house?! Monika, MaryLynn and Donna. . . i love you girls!!! We have SUCH fun together!!! I already have some ideas for something completely different!!!!

pain and my brain

I feel 90 years old today. I'm so sick of living every day with physical pain. I feel desperate.
I hate this part of my life, this pain. Most of every day i try my best to keep my mind off of the way it feels. It lays this dark undercurrent that flows beneath my joy, my happy thoughts. It does funny things to my thoughts. The insistent nature of pain demands a lot from your brain. All you can think is: ouch,ouch,ouch, ouch, ow, oh, that's not good, ouch, ouch, ouch. . okay, that makes it worse, ow. . it never shuts off. In fact, i try to fight every day to shut that voice up. . and i can't do it. I make my mind tired with this. My body gets tired along with my mind. My emotions get dragged in the dirt, if i let myself think"why must i endure this?" i'm quickly overwhelmed with the psychology of the pain and the balance tips into despair. Stoic, i can be stoic most of the time but i'm not feeling so strong at the moment. Sometimes when people ask me how i'm feeling, i'd like to be able to touch their hand, transmit my pain to them for just a minute. No words would be needed. Some people wish for cool cars, a new house, financial independence. I wish for a day without pain. *not that i wouldn't like a cool car or a heap of money!!* I know that some people have it way worse. I try to keep some perspective. Sometimes though i turn inward, like tonight, and i have trouble thinking clearly or seeing beyond myself.

I have begun another course of physiotherapy. I like the place and i really like my therapist. She's cool and really personable AND the office is almost next door to my favourite chocolate shop!!!! mmmmm. . .

I have my neck taped again. . my therapist taped it on Tuesday, took the tape off today -- manipulated my spine and head. . put some nice heat on things for 15 minutes, and taped me up again. I've had my shoulders taped before, which if you've ever had misalignment issues with any of your bones/joints and you've have them taped up into their proper place. . . ahhhhhhhh!! almost feels as lovely as lying on a beach in the Caribbean! This taping. . .well it doesn't feel as good as Tuesday's. . which initially felt good but soon gave me a shift in my pain focus, as the 'new' position was established and everything went into 'shock'. . . didn't like the change. I'm there now, again. . . the muscles aren't liking this. . the bones, well i don't think they do either and my brain doesn't know what's going on. I feel extremely fatigued. Why??! What is it about mental distress, physical pain that causes physical fatigue? If I can detach my mind from my body, i find this weirdly intriguing.

I keep coming back to the human trinity. When 1 part of the 3 hurts, all 3 feel it. Do you find this to be true in your life experience? Say you're in emotional pain -- this causes you to feel physical fatigue, you have clouded thoughts. The pain in 1 part demands help or at least sympathy from the other 2 parts (your mind and your body). Sometimes we try to live only in one or two parts of ourselves and we get out of line and any change towards alignment hurts and we resist the change -- putting up with the pain, or finding ways to drown it rather than submitting to the discomfort of treatment.

If you've had pain, I'm sure you've wished for it to be removed. The interesting thing about it, besides its amazing 'warning' properties to insure that you will do something about it, is the fact that until you've suffered, you have no appreciation of what it is to feel relief. Isn't that true? I'm getting philosophical here, i know. . but philosophical is way better than having a pity party! I wanted to throw one of those for myself before i started writing this, but now I don't feel like it. . so i'm gonna go relax, put my feet up, put a hot pack around my neck and across my shoulder blades, breathe in deeply, think about letting joy stay on top, keeping that dark undercurrent in check and allowing myself to feel integrated and whole in spite of everything.

coldest night of the year

3 years ago in the dead of winter, our furnace expired. We froze for 5 days, despite the loan of 3 space heaters from our gas company, while we waited for a new furnace. Each day brought new adventures. . showering in a heatless house in Canada in the winter, sitting on ice-cold toilet seats, sleeping in a room that felt like a meat locker -- ah, good times.

My Saturday thoughts post highlighted our recent brokenness. . . . and now there's more.

Today is the coldest day of the year (so far). Rob dropped me off home after work so I could let Maggie out -- with my fingers crossed that she didn't leave a pee puddle anywhere, or get into a waste basket and shred the used kleenexes. She didn't. Good girl!!! Rob went to pick up Mom for supper and i started to tidy up. I touched the dining room table - it felt cold. Oh no. . . . . I looked at the thermostat -- 62 degrees F -- we never bothered to change it to Celsius (like good Canadians should!) Nothing seemed amiss. But, of course it was.

I tried everything. Rob and Mom got here with supper - he tried everything. We shivered through our meal, Rob with fork in one hand and phone in the other, phone book opened on the table to the "F" pages. I could say something here. . . lol! frig. . that's all - honestly. We had initially thought we'd deal with either the gas company or the gas supplier company. Sheisters!! Each quoted astronomically ridiculous fees - forget that. Back to the yellow pages. Called a big-name place, they wanted to know the make. Rob took the phone down with him to find out. They couldn't promise they could fix it tonight, as they deal mostly with one particular brand. Rob came back up. I asked him, as i flipped through the yellow pages, : "Rob, what make is it?" He replied: "Its a Payne." heh heh. . . yeah.

Of course we had just rejected an 'extended service agreement' with the company that had instaled the sucker -- and I mean JUST. . d'oh! We had reasoned that because it was so new and shiny why should we pay monthly for something we might not need for 10 years? HA! It seems that without an agreement things go like this: "$99 for the call, $99 for the diagnosis and ??? for the parts, plus labour and taxes.

Finally, after some unsuccessful attempts at finding someone to give us some heat, we called a local company and as Rob talked to the humourless receptionist, with Mom and I eating our dessert at the table, the dialogue goes like this: Rob: "Ah, yes, I'd like a service rep to come to my house." (and some other boring particulars) Receptionist: "All right, sir and what is the make of your furnace." Rob: "Uh, its a Payne." **Mom and I are laughing our heads off!!!*** Rob starts to chuckle but kept it together. . he tries to joke with the lady about it being a pain -- she wasn't even faintly amused. We thought it was funny. We won't forget that meal for a while. Icicles practically forming on our toes, blankets around our shoulders. . only thing warm was the food, i don't think i've ever had the desire to put my feet in my food before, so that was a first.

Well, i'm gonna go to dance class now -- at least i'll work up some warmth bouncing around for an hour. . and maybe when i get back we'll have some heat? Please?!!!!!! gahhhh!!!! ssssso cccccold. . .

Saturday thoughts

I slept shamefully late today. It was so nice. I worked out (lower body jam and the standing segment of 'ab jam' -- these are TurboJam workouts and they're top notch! no foolin'). Rob shopped for the food and came back from the grocery store with a lot of residual stress still clinging to him. Narrow aisles, people holding up the flow as they picked through cans, mulled over purchases. Glad i wasn't there. I felt bad because some of the things he picked up we didn't need. . and some he paid more than i would have. . so then of course i can't just bite my tongue for which I had to apologize after. Poor guy. . battling his way through all those obliviously obstructive shoppers, then having me slinging jibes about unnecessary toilet paper and frozen vegetables. When will i learn to chill out?! ha ha!!! I try though, honestly.

The last couple of days were the 'breakdown days'. . . things be breakin' down. . why is it like that? You go along using things and then they all seem to conspire to quit, one after the other! First there was the 4 new tires for the van just before Christmas. . and more recently, two days ago in fact, I went downstairs with an armful of dirty laundry. It was up near my neck and i couldn't see. . (*i have the number of stairs memorized!*) I walked in sock feet into the laundry room and splosh i stepped onto a newly-saturated carpet. ugh. .i hate it when my feet are soaking wet and cold. At first i thought that perhaps someone had done a load of wash and a rag or sock had become stuck in the tub drain. Not the case. I then looked around and saw our hot water heater dripping from two areas in its nether regions. . . great. . . of course i called Rob at work and he advised me to call the number on the tank (we rent). The company said they'd sent someone out asap. . meantime Rob came home early from work, drained the unit -- the buddy came along and within 1/2 an hour we had a shiny new tank. Phew. . no big cash outlay and speedy service! all right!!! However, in the aftermath of the hot water tank episode, as Rob got the shop vac out to suck up all the water, he plugged it in and it popped, sparked and wheezed like a deflating bagpipe. . yeah, great. . . perfect timing. . a dead shop vac too. What gives?!

Next day. . i'm working away, pounding the keyboard with my customary force, when the adjustable tray and board fell onto my legs with an ominous clunk. I was right in the middle of a 'biggie', which needed to be finished. . I tried fiddling with the tray adjustment knob. . it was stripped. The tray was weirdly heavy. . i didn't realize how weighty it really was. All of this was followed by a teeny bit of panic. . . oh my gosh, how am i gonna work?!!!! I had to clear off everything to have a look at the thing. . not good. . irreparably fractured at the base of the mounting bracket. gah!!!!!!

ahhhh. The whole unit hung there sadly, swinging slightly - still affixed to the desk, bumping my kneecaps as I sat, thinking. What followed was me running around my house, scrounging for things to jury rig, so I could finish up. Nothing was the right height or weight. The keyboard on its own was flimsy and felt toy like. . I hunched over with the board on my legs and the weight on the balls of my feet with my calves tense. . nope. .that was just ridiculous! I put the board on my desk - wrong height, made everything in my upper body hurt. I finally propped things with 2 wrist rolls on top of the desk and managed to peck away in a really-slowed down fashion, which annoyed me greatly cuz i'm used to flying. . If i don't produce, i'm of no use. *i thought to myself, "So, is this how it feels to type like Rob?"* heh heh. . I finally had to concede and tell the girls in the office that i couldn't continue until i had a new board. Luckily i had some meetings to attend 'in house'. . so those comprised the rest of my shift. . beautifully nice change actually!

I'm not saying anything more about breakdowns. . hopefully this spate of brokenness is done. Today we went out to buy a new shop vac!!! Got one 40% off, but have to wait for the new shipment to come in. . think we'll be okay. Robbie had thoughtfully given me a coupon in my Christmas stocking for one Cinnabon, so seeing that we were thisclose to the little store, I decide to run in, get my pastry and come out to share it with Rob. Well, I went in. . . but all that remained of the former Cinnabon store was bare marble counters, stacked up with broken off backsplash tiles. hmpf!!! it figures. I haven't had a cinnamon bun in probably over a decade. . . and i'm standing in the mall, with the fattening certificate in my hot, little hands and the store was broken too!!! WAH!!! I thought of asking the guy in the nearby kiosk for details. But i decided to just say goodbye . Every time i'd been in that corner of the mall the cinnamon air was so enticing and fragrant. . but i never gave in! Now I wish that i had!!! boourns!

All busted things aside, its been a good day. I love finding happiness in the littlest things. When we went to the 'expensive' grocery store to get a few items that we can't get at the 'discount place'!! I came across their Valentine's display. Now let me tell you what its like for me seeing all that beautiful pink, white, red hearty gorgeousness. . . Pavlov, dogs, bells - that pretty much describes it. Rob had gone to the back of the store to get maple syrup or something. . i was transfixed at the front. My eyes fell on this heart-shaped, pink rosebud-layered 'wreath' with a pink ribbon loop for hanging. I caught up with Rob, showed him my 'must have' item and he just grinned and put it in the cart. I love that he didn't even care that it unnecessary. Every time i see it now, hanging on my back door, i smile. I love beautiful things.

Bought some Smucker's cherry jam. This is like happiness in a jar. I love it. .the ruby red colour, the tartness of the fruit. Its the most fabulous stuff. I'm also very excited to try my new decaf black tea -- Canadian maple&vanilla. . doesn't that sound amazing?! Maple, well what's not to love? I might even use maple syrup to sweeten it!! In fact, I think i will. What could be better? That's another little extravagance I always allow for. I can't bring myself to buy artificial syrup. . who wants glucose and caramel colour on their pancakes? I just can't, even though its so cheap, its real or nothing for me and no one here complains. Wouldn't dream of using pancake mix either!!! blech. . We had buttermilk wholewheat pancakes and lean bacon for supper, fruit for dessert. . mmmm.

Rob's downstairs watching hockey. KK's reading a magazine. The dishwasher's humming away. (Please don't break down!!!) We've rented "Snakes on a Plane" for later. . . lol! oh boy. Went out last night, saw Children of Men. . . now that was quite the film. . hopeless, polluted, violent, ruined world without children. I felt like I needed a Prozac! I won't give things away, in case you want to see it.

Saturdays, I love them. Sometimes they feel like everything you want to do during the week but don't have the time. . and well, they are that. But I love the way they're often so open. They're aren't always 'have to' things on Saturdays, and often unless you work weekends, they're all about 'want to'. . .

Hope you had a great Saturday yourself!!! Gonna go put the kettle on. Talk soon. P.s. Guess what? After the dishwasher finished its cycle. . KK went in to the kitchen and said "Mom! The dishwasher leaked." Sure enough, a nice, big puddle of water on the floor. perfect. p.s.s.: don't ever rent Snakes on a Plane. That was 2 hours of my life i'll never get back! When we weren't completely grossed out, we were laughing at the sheer dumbness of it all. Samuel L. Jackson WHAT were you thinking when you signed on the dotted line for this stinker?!!!

Warplane Heritage Museum

One of our favourite places to take the grandkids is the Hamilton Warplane Heritage Museum. http://warplane.com

Have you ever wanted to climb into the cockpit of a fighter jet? You can sit a CF 100 and work the ailerons, pull back on the stick. . lower the canopy. . its a thrill! Sitting in a Bombardier's chair in the belly of a Lancaster bomber -- well that's equally thrilling. Talking to a veteran pilot, a bomber, fascinating! Climbing to the observation decks to look down on a gleaming sea of aircraft -- its just so large -- i feel an air of majesty here. There's really something about preserved history on display. Its interesting to feel so small, standing under some of these behemoths -- I'm 5'9" - the landing gear tires of the Lancaster bomber are about my height - and there's a whole lotta aircraft towering above that! I stoodd under the bomb bay doors. . looked inside the tailgunner's turret. . its not quite eerie, but something like it. . but in a cool way.

We started taking James here several years ago, because of his fascination with anything that moves.. and planes were probably his first vehicle phase. . and a deep phase it was and to some degree still is -- which thrilled us. Alas now, trains have him in a spell. . the train phase may even be deeper? Erica. . .she made her first visit here as a baby. . and again today. However, I don't think she's all that impresssed. She just likes to run around. If there aren't pictures of My Little Pony of the sides of these planes, she ain't interested! Though we did get her into cockpit of one of the old trainers. All this fun was preceded by a sleepover culminating in bedtime stories and songs with guitar and 3-part harmony, which Jimmy claimed was "So beautiful i feel like crying." Erica bit her brother at some point after the serenade, the initial tuck in and the 'i need water-i gotta pee-i can't sleep-one more story' routine. This was followed by intense crying, an unconvincing apology and finally golden silence. . . and a restless sleep for Opa on the downstairs couch and an equally restless one for me, upstairs - worrying about them getting out of bed, tripping, etc. gah! Morning was kind of a relief!!! The kids tried to get each of us up. . and we each told them wake up the other one. . . we finally had some breakfast and set off on the big trip to the 'surprise place', which James had already guessed, therefore was no surprise.. which didn't matter a bit because look at the shiny prop and the engine. . and Nana and Opa are suckers and will always come through with an aero-themed trinket at the gift shop!!! True, we are suckers and I'm sure that won't change. What a great day we had! Hope you enjoyed this little tour? I'd like to encourage those of you who are within distance of this place to go! Take your time. Watch the restoration crew working on the aircraft. Look at the old flight gear, the uniforms, the old G-suits. . . and more. Bring your Canadian Tire money -- they collect it to fundraise. Bring some coins to amuse your children - they can drop the coins in the donation boxes -- each of the aircraft has one. Hey, I'm already looking forward to going back !!

A dog, a plant, a cake and a potato

Strange selection of photographs, i know. Maggie is waiting for Santa in this first shot. Her patience was rewarded with a package of Snausages in her stocking. awwww. . . how cute.






This is my dining room. I love this natural light. It's so glowy and perfect. Planty loves it too! I move Planty into this light every day. Sometimes i even exhale onto this little green sprout. . i feel stupid, but i hear this is good for them? Carbon dioxide is it?





This cake is our Christmas Eve dessert (chocolate black forest cake) made by KK almost completely. The only thing that wasn't was the chocolate drizzle. . which was done by me, cuz she was too scared to mess it up. . which i did anyway. . (not so even). It was delicious!!





And in last place, we have the heart-shaped potato, discovered during last Sunday's family lunch preparations. Isn't that cool? I should have saved it for Valentine's Day!!! *maybe painted it red?* I'm such a sucker for celebrating it, even if most people think its a Hallmark holiday. I love LOVE!!!! (sigh!)

2 bags full of books

It was the best feeling to approach the cashier at Chapters, hand her my carefully-chosen book selections - which totaled just over $100. . . use my gift cards and my membership discount card, combine those with sale reductions and pay just $10!!!!! Yes, I walked out of Chapters with 2 heavy bags -- i was so happy!

I went to get this one above all else: "Feast", Nigella Lawson (a fabulously decadent, inspirational cook book). The rest --well, i let them choose me!

"Sun" Observer's Guide *Firefly Books Pam Spence *-- what a cool book. . .on the cover of which is pictured a blistering golden photo of the star which keeps us all alive. . fascinating!

"The Best Life Diet" *Bob Greene*. . . . i love to read up on nutritional facts . . physiology, chemistry, etc. I've always had an interest. "Diet" books also contain amazing recipes! I really wanted to read all about emotional eating, etc. . and the secret to burning off and keeping off lost body fat, which i've always found to be a sticking point in my life. The last thing i want is to spend my years weighing food, measuring it, counting 'points', calories or servings. . i want to enjoy life, not be enslaved by all of the 'diet culture' in my continent. . to find a way to sensibly and permanently enjoy food as the fabulous fuel it is, and to move and keep moving. . . to bring those 2 important elements together -- food and fitness.

"Living to Tell the Tale" *Gabriel Garcia Marquez *he's long been one of my favourite authors. . . so finding this initial book in the triology that will comprise his life's story, that was a happy find!

"Honeymoon with My Brother" *Franz Wisner* ( I saw this guy on Oprah a while back. . . jilted almost at the altar and determined not to waste the celebration or the honeymoon -- talk about a glass half full kind of person!!!!) He partied with family, friends and then took his brother away on a vacation -- which turned into a 2-year trek through 53 countries -- well, i couldn't not buy this one!

"Caught in the Web of Words" *K.M. Elisabeth Murray *-- "A magnificent story of a magnificent man, one of the finest biographies of the twentieth century." says Anthony Burgess on the front cover of this promising history of the life of James Murray - Lexicographer and one of the main contributors of the Oxford English Dictionary. I had to get this. . . anyone who has read the dictionary for fun would be positively disloyal if they didn't! I was drawn to the title. . of the many pleasant webs to be caught in, i think a web of words would be very beautiful.

"Acquainted with the Night -- Excursions Through the World After Dark" *Christopher Dewdney *A Canadian author. . gotta support the homeland people! This is a beautifully bipolar book . . . . on the one hand I am reading some of the most sumptuously descriptive stuff i've come across lately, and on the other hand, i feel as if i'm reading several other kinds of books all tossed in . . . scientific facts journal, meteorology resource, poetry sampler, historical tidbit primer -- this book is unlike anything i think i've ever read. The way this man can describe a sunset -- he's got a magical mind. His description of night fall alone is worth the purchase price. This man has such a romantic view of night and all that it contains. . . i've long shared this view of the gloriousness of the dark hours for so many reasons -- stillness, beauty, rest, sleep -- a good nighthawk would definitely love to read this. . but all the day 'larks' would still very much appreciate this one too, i think?! Yes, I'm sure!

Here's a sample of the 'sunset' gorgeousness i was talking about. . .

"The most consistently brilliant sunsets I've seen have been over water, and the best of those were off the west coast of Saint Lucia, in the Leeward Antilles. Many of them rivaled fireworks, the colours were that brilliant. The St. Lucian sunsets consistently filled half the dome of the sky with atmospheric masterworks. Often they were so complex they were like universes of detail that might take a thousand years to explore. Some evenings the sky resembled a vast surrealist hallucination drenched with pigment, while on other nights the clouds seemed to explode into flames directly overhead. They were utterly glorious, celestial pyrotechnics. If that weren't enough, the sunsets were almost invariably accented with whimsical, sometimes unbelievable touches; a trio of small electric-orange clouds shaped like waves, for instance, or a grid-like archipelago of fluorescent crimson cloudlets set against a pale, lost blue sky above a moody mountainscape of lavender clouds. The sunsets always started the same way . . long, horizontal bands of frothy, mother-of-pearl-coloured clouds would build above the western horizon when the sun sank toward the ocean. As the sunset progressed, these bands would light up like pink flames against the opalescent blue sky. Floating under the bands, just above the ocean, were armadas of purple cumulus clouds, sailing with the trade wind. . . .

the pink edges of the banded clouds would turn cerise, then red, then the red would deepen like wildfire into a lava filigree of incandescent lacework. . .

. . . was more like looking at the the immense, stained-glass dome of a cosmic cathedral. . . "

Now doesn't that make you want to visit Saint Lucia?! Imagine being able to casually say in conversation: "Yeah, i think the best sunsets in the world are the ones in the Leeward Antilles." BAH!!!! I could never imagine saying such a thing to anyone. I'd be too afraid of sounding pretentious!! No fears on that score.

Well, fellow babies, I must get some rest. . .cuz its so late at night, its now morning and New Year's Eve morning at that. . ooooh, the excitement of it all!!!!

thinking about Christ

I was lying in bed last night thinking, like i usually do when i lie in bed. Rob was upset over having to buy 4 new tires for the van at such a financially difficult time of year, so he had already gone up to bed, to forget about it for a few hours. Strangely enough, i didn't seem bummed over parting with several hundred dollars just like that. . it'll probably hit me later!!

I was more reflective, not too sleepy. I've been caught up in preparations for Christmas gifting and feasting -- organizing things with drill sargeant precision -- which has paid off in dividends of a type of serenity, a sense of 'staying on top of things' and not feeling pressurized, wheedled, nagged or otherwise manipulated by the monstrous retail advertising/marketing machine. . I even learned to try to say 'no' to the 'busy woman at Christmas voice' which expects me to multitask to the extreme in every way imaginable. If you're a man, let me explain things. . 'the voice' is essential for every woman, especially at Christmas. . The voice can be a helpful reminder : ' make your lists', 'start early', 'try catalogues/ online sources', 'get to the store the day the flyer comes out', ' 'think of your people and of what they've told you throughout the year.. . write these thoughts down & keep them in your wallet', 'stay on top of your house work so you're not overwhelmed', 'ask for help', 'think of the Christmas donations and take care of them'. The voice will talk to you when you're quiet. . asking you "Have you taken care of all the details?", "What's left to do?", "What are you going to do tomorrow?" This is what its like.

So, when i lie down every night, i have to tell the voice to stop. . it would keep me up if i let it. Sometimes i think back to my girlish, prewoman days, especially at Christmas time and i imagine how it would feel to just to take everything as it comes to me, gifts, food, every other kind of good thing. . not doing, not preparing, just receiving. . . ahhh. . . what a dim memory !!!

Is that what its like to be a man at Christmas?! BAH!!! *sorry to take a potshot at you, guys!* I'm half teasing, i think?! heh heh. . .

Last night i thought about all this stuff as i sighed it all out . . . and then i thought about Jesus. I immediately felt bad for letting my inner voice drown out his voice - which is not just a Christmas time occurrence. . I felt even worse about letting myself be a cog in the "North American Christmas Machine". . i try to resist, but to some extent i always find myself in it.

I looked out the windows as i lay there. . the darkness was quiet, almost felt like it had weight. . . i could see the heavy clouds' outline against the dark sky. . . and my thoughts of him increased. I wondered about him and wondered how could he do what he did? -- trade universal supremacy for helpless infancy? volunteer to give up unbounded, unlimited authority. . . for hunger, pain, sickness, fatigue, limitations, unjust punishment, hatred and execution? How is it possible that he was able to say 'yes' to such a deal?( knowing in advance what would be required of him? ) and with no guarantee that the very people He did this for would love him, like him or regard him? I wondered about my human nature. . what was it about that nature that Jesus needed to go through all that? Why am i so self-centered? why am i so rebellious. . either subtly or bold facedly? Why am i bad? Why do i think i know so much? It occurred to me that on my own, without any Christ, any Redeemer or Messiah, without the manger crib and its famous baby occupant and without all that he grew to accomplish, who am i? Why do i aspire to be this or do that? Why am i so hell bent on charting my own path, doing my own thing? Why have i wanted to live without Jesus? Why have i ever in my entire life wanted to keep Christmas about everything but Christ? toys. . candy, the Sears WishBook, clothes, trinkets, money, overeating, watching the grinch, rudolph, frosty. . obsessing about being 'good' so Santa would come through with the goods. . and now the whole attempting to pulling off a Martha Stewart every year if it kills me! When i'm quiet with my mind turned off to all fruitcake, cheesy music and rampant consumption, and on this curious kind of love shown by Jesus, this puzzling, dazzling love . . . i feel like i've been in a mess of my own independence . I am an independent mess. . too often choosing independence from the Saviour who loves me to the point of death, independent from his extended hand, independent from his counsel, substituting mine, the world's. . . independent from his will. . . believing that i can drift in and out of it whenever the whim suits me. . . how can i make such a mess? be such a mess? I can and I do and i often am . and i'm ashamed when that happens. I love moments like this when i understand a bit of the largeness of the love of Christ. I feel like my own love that i feel and give is so often small and too often tainted with selfish toxins and impurities. . but to think of availing myself of the LOVE of Jesus at Christmas, I feel like i can only say to him. . words from that old Sam and Dave song: "You didn't have to love me like you did, but you did, yes you did, and i thank you." I wish for you some of your own reflective moments in the next couple of days. . much love to you, from me. .

Happy Christmas

I love the message in this first picture. . .
Happy Christmas, everyone ! God bless.

love, from me to you.

 

i love these pics

KK having a guitar lesson from her Dad. . i love that our house is often filled with live music. Someone's always playing something. . . piano, guitar, cornet, drums, keyboard - practice, jamming, personal enjoyment -- music is so essential.







Rob took this picture on one of his many Fri. night trips to get KK from school. Someone cool always defaces this highway sign. . and the works crews are always replacing them. They never read "Rockton" for long. Yes its vandalism - but as we all say "The sign begs for it!"











Robbie leaning against "Shifty". . . beauty.








last, but definitely not least. . Maggie wearing her "Santa's Little Helper" bandana. . looking like the epitome of canine Christmas cutness. I can never refrain from scooping her up in my arms and kissing her little head. No matter how often she pees on the floor at night, or barks crazily when i wish she'd shut up -- i can never stay mad at her.

Christmas Party!!!!!

Here's Robbie!!!!! I love blue on him. . brings out his eyes. . This was our staff Christmas partee. . and was it ever awesome!!!!

















This is Robbie's date for the evening. . . . me! This is "Kathryn". . . . Kathy doesn't usually look like that! lol!!!











We had a beautiful hall in which to dance the night away, which we DID!!! It was the MOST awesome dance i've ever been to!! Didn't even try to dance in my shoes. . . stocking feet baby. . . . . Robbie twirled me around until i was dizzy. YAY!!!







Here's our table. . . .From the left:
Rob, John, Sylvia, Ellie, Allan, John and Karen. . .

Guys, that was a fabulous night! So glad to share it with you all!! 

whatever happened to the word "handsome"?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've noticed a fair bit of change in the world since the early 60s, but the particular thing that is on my mind tonight is the way North Americans have changed culturally in the last several decades.

If you watch old movies, if you've watched vintage TV sitcoms or variety shows, i'm sure you know what I mean when i say that I think we've lost something.

I don't really wish to go back to an era in which women were thought of as 'housewives' as if they said their "I dos" to a house, nor to a time when women were called "the little woman". *that term could never apply to me no matter what era I'd live in!!! perhaps when i was 3?* I don't want to think of a world in which "Father Knows Best" cuz let's face it, he doesn't always and neither does Mom! I wouldn't like to see stereotypes of that era remain. . or any era for that matter. But what I wish is just for a little class. . you know? A time before reality tv's incestuous slugfests a la JerrySpringer, or the ridiculously salacious weirdness of "A Surreal Life", a time before the words: 'hot', 'smokin', 'sucks', 'slammin', 'blows', 'ho', 'pimp'. A time when women were 'beautiful', 'graceful', 'lovely' and men were 'handsome', 'suave', 'debonair'. Is there any such thing as feminine mystique anymore? Everything is on display - physically, verbally -- no restraint, no one is demure -- even kids clothing is shrunken down versions of whatever adult fashions are trendy, really disturbing! Not to be cliche, but is chivalry dead? Do we even want men to be chivalrous? Do they want this?. . . and their clothing. . metrosexuals and gay men have a pretty awesome style sense, but there are many guys out there shlumping around in t-shirts, jeans all the time, or they look like they're going hunting, or they're dressing and talking like rappers, when they're not! It drives me crazy when people say things like "That's how i roll". I'm not really wanting to regress in any way. .don't want us all to be buttoned down and uptight, but I feel like we have collectively lost some of our sophistication.

I remember regularly wearing dresses with crinolines as a little girl, with patent shoes for birthday parties, cotton dresses with runners for play, I wore white gloves to church and carried a little handbag. I wore hats on special occasions like Easter. People used to dress up. Things were tucked in (but i'm SO not a fan of tucking!!!). Shoes were buffed and polished. People talked differently to each other. There was more respect in our terminology. . . "Sir", "Ma'am", "Master", "Miss", I was never permitted to address an elder by their first name. . i mean NEVER! We would 'call on' our friends, knocking and asking permission from their parents for our friends to 'come out'. We wrote thank-you notes. We RSVP'd. Commerce was different -- service was the rule, not the exception. Food was different. People were slimmer, yet there was no 'low fat' or 'low carb' talk. . butter, full fat milk was in every kitchen. Portions were smaller. The family table was sacred and abundant. Seasons dictated our diet. People had to 'put up' or 'can', preserve. There was no waste. Even a cup of tea was a different thing. . it used to involve china cups, sugar cubes in silver bowls, which you removed with sugartongs, 'tea sandwiches' (crustless, work of art, inventive sandwiches), tea biscuits (cookies). An after-church 'tea' was one of these amazing, formal occasions. Now, if you want a cup of tea, you just get an earthenware mug, put you tea in it and sit in your track pants curled up in your chair -- WAY more comfy,? YES! But missing something. . . a sense of occasion, specialness.

It used to be that people could be shocked. People still blushed. Dirty laundry wasn't aired so much. . society wasn't so hypersexualized, nor was it so disturbingly desensitized to violence. I know that we can't turn the clock back.. .and i wouldn't think that would be so great, because all the gains we have made would be reversed. . . but couldn't we bring back some of the class, modesty, innocence ? I get so sick of everything and everyone being described as 'hot'. Even Listerine mouthwash has a ridiculous spokeswoman describing herself as a "hot woman" who wants to keep her teeth ". . looking their whitest, brightest and hottest" Whaaaa??? Can teeth even BE hot? They can look nice, but come on!! I get so tired of seeing "Warning, this program may contain scenes of . . . . . . . ." preceding every television show. I grow weary of seeing how much power we ascribe to celebrities. . . Oprah, Dr. Phil, et al, wanting them to be our collective saviours. Society seems so depraved sometimes. I know this is "nothing new under the sun"!! Still, it all gets to me -- you know?

I know that people will continue to change -- that's one thing sure. But wouldn't it be nice to have a little bit of classy change? Some positive change? Some righteous, peaceful change? Some beautiful, spiritual change? Some sense of the sacred, the special. . of treasuring and revering. . And I know its a little thing, but how about this change?. . men and women would no longer be deemed 'hot', rather they would be beautiful and handsome. . .

organization

Isn't it true that when you look for one thing, you often find other things you didn't even know were missing until you rediscovered them?

As usual, we cram everything we can into our days off work - like everyone else on the planet! Saturday was quite the run errands, get all the stuff done you've been procrastinating waaay too long kind of day! It felt good to clear out so much clutter, dispose of some, rearrange some more and have a real sense of accomplishment. I feel more together now, bills are paid, closets are cleaned out, ditto for cupboards, entire rooms too!!! Rob took a sledge hammer to an old, cement double laundry tub. It was original to this early 1950s home and he had envisioned a use for it once upon a time. Well that time never came and though it stored vertically and acted as a strange, makeshift shelving unit, it was a huge annoyance for me and once in a while i'd start in on how i wanted that ugly lump of a thing GONE!!! I got my wish yesterday!!! yeeeee hawww!!! I have SO much room my in the laundry room. I pinch myself every time i step in there! While Rob was hammering away at that, i was up to my elbows in tissue paper, gift bags, seasonal decorations and a bunch of really, really odd things. . . . a plastic 'singing' flower *don't ask!* a rainbow light bulb, 2 pair of cheap swim goggles, some gigantic clam shells from one of our trips, old sheet music, ironing that is waiting to be ironed pffffttttt, like i'm gonna do it!!!, a desk top fan, some egg crate foam, a paper star with my oldest daughter's written name, surrounded by lots of little stick-on stars, a crazy eyeball necklace stone (with no chain). This kind of stuff makes me crazy.

All the spontaneous purging came about because i had been so ahead of myself with my Christmas shopping. . that i'd forgotten some of the locations of my various stashes!!! It took me a few hours, but i eventually did find the 2 small things i had wanted to find. Do you guys do the same thing? You start on one task, which kinda branches off and you follow up on a another sub task, at which time you then do a sub sub task. . well, you get the picture. This is how i work. I get so easily sidetracked. . . don't give me a job sorting through anything sentimental, cuz tasks go right out the window and i go right down memory lane, and there's certainly kleenex involved. Rob doesn't get that. . he just does one thing until it is done. This is something i admire greatly, but cannot do!!!! heh heh. . . oh well!

He gets sentimental these days with his 2 'babies'. . our van and HIS new truck. . . which, between Rob and our youngest daughter, KK has been dubbed "Shifty McDodge". . . *yes, its a standard* They're both getting after me cuz i haven't driven it it. . . maybe i'm a bit rusty with a stick, but i know i can do it. . just like riding a bike? (except with a clutch). I'd better take it out for a spin soon, get those 2 off my back! Anyway, on one of my subtasks I happened to glance out the kitchen window to see Rob in the driveway, smiling away, hosing and scrubbing up those 2 vehicles. (I called KK to the window and said to her. . "Look at your Dad!" We LAUGHED!!! He looked very 'man' happy. . you know that man thing with vehicles being more than vehicles. . they have names, personalities -- he's not really extreme like some guys who wash and Armour-All their tires. . . but he loves them significantly more than i do. *makes me smile at the difference between men and women!*

It's been a great weekend. .all that organization, gorgeously warm weather, family dinner, making cookies with the grandkids, market jaunt and musical fun thrown in the mix too!!! but it's 1:10 a.m. now, I have work in das morgen. . . and i'm kinda pooped - gute nacht, meine kinder!!! this is me, signing off -- over and o u t !!!!!

sensitized, saturated

I had such a day on Sunday. It was a day of love. Every activity, every word, every touch was a little brush with love, so many small chances for me to repeatedly feel how real love is. A lot of days go by without this kind of impact. I guess those days i'm more numb to it, i take it for granted. Its almost impossible to really analyze how things work together to make me pay attention and teach me something i thought i already knew. Of course i know about love. Of course i love people, i love God, i love my dog, i love lots of things. Sunday was just one of those beautiful love-saturated days. I started it off by listening to message about prayer, then things just rolled on from there -- a big family feast preceded by days of thought and preparation, hugs, kisses, reunion, departure. There was playing music and singing for others, travel, coming home and watching an achingly sad family story on tv. . . All I could think was lovelovelovelovelove as i used tissue after tissue to wipe away my tears at the close of the day; watching the story of a wife who lost her best love and friend. It just all hit me. I guess the day's memories and people and words were all in my mind as i sat in the dark with my own best friend and sweetheart and watched this 5-week-in widow and her 4 children, their grief so fresh on camera. . the images of them with their dad and husband before his death. . I could not stop crying. . i couldn't believe how broken i felt. I didn't think i could stand it. Thankfully the story ended before i dissolved!

Yes, the story ended and the day was ending too. . but my thoughts kept going. I could not stop thinking of how beautiful everything is because of love. I felt unusually sensitized and tuned in. I knew it wouldn't last, but i savoured it. As all of this settled in I felt an almost desperate awareness of the importance of love in life. It welled up and over, breaching the walls of my heart to fill my spirit. Love everywhere. . in my house, my grandchildren's handprints on the landing window that i can't bring myself to clean, their childish scribbles on the message chalkboard in the kitchen, the door jamb in the bathroom notched with dates, heights - my girls growing up. . photographs of their babyhood, their school years, little dresses and shoes in keepsake boxes, clumsy, beautiful little gifts from them, my now-dessicated first corsage from Rob, love letters. Love then and love today in the lingering smells of a happy dinner, love in the echoes of music in my mind, love in the thoughts about praying and God longing to hear me speak to him. Love in hellos and goodbyes, love in warm hugs and kisses, love in loss and tragedy. Love in everything, love everywhere.

Its too powerful to be a mere emotion, its too personal to be impersonal, too beautiful to be some random, roaming force that decided to settle in our collective bosom. . and too pure to have its origins in us. Even in its absence - even in dark hatred, love's absence is a gnawing, gaping hole. Is there anything else like this? All of this weightiness seemed to settle over me on Sunday. It seemed almost unbearable, but at the same time the heaviness did not feel crushing. It was more like it held me to the truth of Love, like a balloon weight holds down a helium balloon that untethered, would glibly float and never remain grounded.

On Monday i didn't feel this way. The weekday had begun to crowd in with all its demands and deadlines, its chores and busyness. Still, even in the mundane i know that there is no less love, not an ounce less. . .

creating

i love to create. my creativity runs along certain tracks, which is, i guess, what makes the creative force within me specifically mine. i love how this is true for everyone, whether they think that they are 'creative' or not -- they are.

i'll share some of my thoughts, if you'll share some of yours. . . okay?

I love to be in the kitchen. I feel very natural there. . like its my place, my thing. My childhood sandbox was an imaginary diner, i had lots of pretend customers. My Easybake oven was my first experience with heat and my sisters were my guinea pigs, when it came to my learning how to make actual meals. . . God bless them, they survived!!!

For me, my kitchen is a place to bring what nature provides in and then create with these provisions to give to others. It makes me happy. I feel joy. I never think of creating something in the kitchen as a 'chore', i never view cooking or handling food as a task - i think of it as a sensory experience and a chance to give. Physical food is life and treating that food with respect and care is a great thing. When i think of all the wonderful things there are to add to food and do with food - i find myself totally inspired. Why settle for something to just fill the hunger gap, when i can incorporate the best and freshest ingredients to create layers of flavour, and texture and colour. I love the sounds and smells of working with food, i love the challenge of mastering a technique, teaching myself, experimenting. I think about creating things all the time. I look at the raw components and think "What can I make with this?" This is one part of my life that never switches off. that's what i've wanted to say about creativity. . . . when you have things that so interest you and engage you -- you couldn't switch them off if you tried, that's something you're meant to do!

Another thing that's always been with me is an undying love for words. I don't like them, i don't think they're okay. . . i really love them. I can't remember a time in my life when i didn't. I can express myself verbally to a degree, but i feel like when i write there is nothing i can't say. I've gone from stories in grade 1 to blogging right now. . with so many stilted, bumbling, affected attempts at expressing myself in between. But its always seemed to me that the words forgave me if i didn't do them justice, which makes me appreciate them more. I've spent time writing when i feared that if i stopped the flow it wouldn't come back again. . i've had times when i felt a strong urge to pick up a pen and have been amazed with what spilled onto the page. I've learned not to force. I've learned about dry times and abundance. It makes me cringe when i look back on some of my stuff, but some of the more special things help to atone for the flops. I feel lucky if i can come up with a memorable phrase or 'the perfect sentence'. Its about being fearless and being okay going out there, knowing there's as much of a chance of screwing up as there is of making something wonderful. Creating is about being open, receiving all of life around and within and as those experiences mix with your personality and steep in your soul (emotions, will, mind) they come out as this creative energy. This process can't be rushed and can't be faked, though i've tried to do both with miserable results. Its all so mysterious and exciting!

i really love creating celebration in every day life. . i love to decorate and put thought into little, wonderful details that make the whole thing that much nicer. i love to shop for current or future festive occasions. . it really excites me when it all comes together and makes others feel good and happy. . i feel really fulfilled.

i'm trying to understand that creativity is being able to integrate all the parts of my life that i might tend to compartmentalize. I think that i impede my creativity. Maybe i'm limiting the flow from what could be a surge to a mere trickle. . i get used to less and don't ache for more because i've settled and gotten apathetic. Switching off parts reduces the whole.

when i think of inspiration, there is just so much that can do this. some of the most basic things that inspire me would be just the material world itself -- the elements -- earth, water, air, fire. . i feel love within me when i look at the world, love for its maker, love for its beauty. i want to touch these things, photograph them, smell them, be in them. . (well, maybe not fire?!!!!) In these things I see God and feel his presence. I feel at home in water. . another long-time love in my life. . . water. . water. . how much more could i love water?! I have a lot of water dreams and depending on my psychological state at the time, the water can be raging, flowing or still, deep or shallow.

I'll stop there. . but I really would love to hear what some of your things are. . do you love to create? and if you do, what do you love to do with your own creative energy? How do you best express youself? What/who inspires you??!!! tell me!!!