bits and pieces

I like to collect phrases and good words! I stockpile these little treasures the way some people stock up on grocery store specials for toothpaste or canned soup. Wherever i go i have something to write with and something to write on!!! I also cut out inspiring articles - things that make me say 'wow' out loud! things that make me want to do similarly cool things. . . I like images -- if i see a print ad in a magazine with an interesting juxtaposition of word and visual image, i have to cut it out! I keep one such cut out on the front of my fridge. . its a picture of a couch with the words GET UP! emblazoned across the cushions. One of the most memorable ones i ever saw was a photo image of a butterfly shackled to an iron block. . .i think at times we've all felt like that! I know I have! I cut out this challenging one a while back. . . a coffee mug with the following wording: #1 Hypocrite woah. . . I cut it out to remind me that i have to be careful. There are so many resources out there. . so many messages that are being put out for us to read and heed. There's an overpass herein town on which the following grattifi message screams at passersby: You are NOT a machine! . . I wonder who wrote that and why? I appreciated the sentiment for sure. I read billboards when I drive or travel. . Rob and I saw one on our way to Ottawa. . . it said this: "The Traditions of Yesterday, the Trends of Tomorrow".. right away i thought of the Salvation Army. . and that thought that was a great thing for that organization to aspire to. Not cutting off its past, but not living in it either. . . banquet for thought. . .

I even save cool fortune cookie sayings, like this one: CHANGE IS THE WATCHWORD OF PROGRESSION. I love that. . . it fires my spirit when i read things like that. these bits and pieces are continually jumping out at me. . and i continue to collect them. . Life is cool. . dig in. don't miss the messages out there. . they're everywhere.

daughter's orders!

"Mom, you'd better write a new blog entry!" came the order from my oldest daughter today. Being the good mom, I obeyed! LOL~ wow, role reversal or what??!!!

I don't have anything that's pressing, just lots of little thoughts. One thing I was thinking about the other day was smells. House smells in particular - every house has one. Its only when i go away from my house for a while and then come in the door, that i smell our 'house smell'. . .its a bit of a 'basementy' smell that i actually like, as weird as that may sound. I couldn't describe it to you, but I notice the smell of every house that I enter! Its like the smell of living. . . all kinds of things combine to make each house smell unique. . the different cleaning products used, air fresheners, dampness level, carpeting, old cooking smells, candles, wood, the cologne/aftershave of the occupants, pets . . . My grandparents house - i love that smell -- again, I can't put it in words. Now its been sold for someone else to notice, but I will always remember it.

I love all kinds of smells. . i think that smell is one of the great pleasures in life! good ones, that is!!! I love the smell of paint and turpentine, stain, etc. . my parents used to use this product called "sweeping compound". I don't even know if they sell that stuff any more, but its a dense, granular substance that you shake onto your sweepable surface and when you sweep it weighs down the dust, so that less dust goes into the air and more gets swept up. It has this evergreeny smell. . i go right back to childhood if i smell anything remotely like it. Closest thing is the 'evergreen' car air fresheners. Another cool smell is the black walnut tree at the front of our house. Some weed and feed smells very similar to black walnuts. . peppery, citrusy, very pungent.

The cooking and baking smells are too numerous to mention!!! ahhhh. . one i do want to mention is this savoury smell, i don't know - almost like a goulash-type smell when i'm outside walking and i smell the cooking coming from other people's kitchen vents. . . believe it or not, i have smelled the same type of smells in both cities i've lived in. . and in several neighbourhoods. . I don't know exactly what all these people are cooking, but it smells GREAT! flowers . . . lilacs, lily of the valley, roses, honeysuckle. . a walk through the neighbourhood is a great olfactory celebration for me! My poor Rob, he can't smell a thing. . . he's had chronic nasal polyps and allergies, so he no longer smells. I have to describe smells to him. I feel bad -I have such a strong sense of smell. If i could i would make up for what he lacks!

I love wood smells. . . cedar. . ahhh. sawdust smells great. . i love the smell of earth, i love the 'rain smell' that you get in the spring and summer. . i love the smell of rivers, lakes, the ocean!!! i love soaps , i love the smell of a good camp fire, a fire place, i've always loved the smell of lit sparklers!!! they always smelled like burnt marshmallows to me. I love the smell of leather, of puppies, magic markers, herbs, gasoline, clean baby smell is the best! Rob used to like the smell of my skin if we'd been outside walking for a long time (back when he could smell). . He'd always sniff my neck and say "i love that!"

Good smells have this effect on my mood, and my memory. They make me happy. . they cause me to remember so many events and good times. . I love doing the laundry because i love the smell of the soap and softener!

I can still remember in my mind the smell of the glue we used in kindergarten! the teacher used to put the goopy stuff in little, disposable tart tins. . some of us goofballs used to eat it!!! (yes, i was one of them!) She used to mix this powder with water and pour it in the tins. We all watched her with great interest. . i think because we wanted a snack!!! GAH!! I remember the smell of the pale blue, custard-like laundry starch that she used to mix with the powered paint to make our finger paint! wow that was a great smell! and it was so squishy and cold to the touch. . i just go right back there when i think of these smells!

well, i don't know if i want a nap now, or whether i want to do some reading. . .i think the latter. We had a great lunch today, me, KK, Joely, Linds, Jimmy Jo and Eri. . home made turkey lasagna (which Linds calls "heaven on a plate") raw veggies, bread and butter and banana/cinnamon chocolate chip cake for dessert! man, that's good stuff! I made the cake for 2 reasons - 1. I had some over ripe bananas. 2. I lost a bet!!! KK bet me that her grandma would again mention that she likes to wind her purse strap around the shopping cart handle so as to deter would be purse snatchers! If mom said this, i had to make the cake, if she didn't KK had to make the cake! So, yes, not only did mom mention this once, but TWICE! and so i told KK "woah, i'm not making 2 cakes" But guess what? I did! (the recipe makes so much batter that i had to use 2 pans!!!) We giggled and mom had no idea what we were giggling about, nor was she even suspicious! So, yeah, that was hilarious! and now we have cake! The house still smells like lasagna and cinnamon! weird combination, but very yummy!

So, as Nelson (from the Simpsons) would say "Smell ya later!"

get into the groove. .

bah. . post holiday back to work time is YUCK time! I'm still adjusting to 'the numbness' (that's what Rob calls working for a living). He's right. You get off the hamster wheel for even the briefest moment and you start to feel ALIVE. . then back into the cage you go!!!! *wilt* I'm kinda tired too, over time's on this week but I'm not doing any. . i'm not sufficiently numb enough to endure that. Can't wait to get my holiday films developed -- haven't had time yet. Our van's rad decided to blow whilst we were away. . . (we took the car on our trip -- good call there!!!) Rob's had 2 frustrating days so far trying to obtain the proper rad for our van. He got the one for our make and model. . . when he gets it in there, the hook up at the bottom was on the wrong side!!! He was MAD!!! He was assured that he had been given the correct rad. He drove all the way to Canadian Tire to get another one - they didn't have one! They referred him to another place - they didn't have it!!! Now our poor radless van still sits in our driveway. . and Rob's really ticked and we're feeling the pinch with only 1 vehicle - cuz we have 4 drivers wanting to drive - often at the same time! oh well -- this stuff is really nothing in the big scheme of things, eh?

I'm goin' to my sister's kitchen party 2morrow night. . Pampered Chef -- that sounds so decadent! They have good products and some of them are pretty reasonably priced, so even a frugal gourmet wannabe like me can afford something!

I'm gonna head to bed to spend some time in prayer and do some journaling. I need to get my spiritual disciplines on track (meditation on scripture, reading and memorizing scripture, journaling, prayer, listening, solitude, etc) God is very patient with me, but I have got to get back into the groove here with him. I owe him so much and I give him so little of my time. It's not right. I'm always aware of him, he's everywhere i go, but am i with him? i think that i'll forever be like a little child, easily distracted, ignorant, self-centered, needy. Children must grow up, even spiritual ones. I did some growing up when we were away, i had some unwitting teachers who taught me to let my heart be broken by others' need and to let that heartbreak move me to action. It wasn't the first time i've learned that lesson - just one more chapter, to grow on. I suspect there will be many more.

Anyway, i'm gonna close for now. . . but i'll leave you with a little joke!

Q Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen juice?
A It said 'concentrate'

The Brain Spells!

well, i'm back from a much-needed holiday and will do some posting and maybe get some pictures up here!!! I'm not feeling too bloggy today, but found this interesting little article in the Globe and Mail newspaper.. .thought i'd share it with you cuz its absolutely FASCINATING!

The Brain Spells

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulacity uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. Aoccdrnig to rsceearh taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

**i'm not sure about the accuracy of the name "typoglycemia". . doesn't sound legit to me! "glycemia" means "the presence of glucose". . its a medical term. I would think this amazing condition would be called something like typoglossia. . i don't know? ('glossa' means tongue) maybe as it pertains to language, etc. Regardless of what its called. . . its STILL fascinating!!!!***

sponge bob and sponge cake

hee hee!!! Lindsay's post http://www.valkyriegrl.blogspot.com on cooking was hilarious! check it out. . not to mention her "I H8 The Music Industry" which i thought was brilliant. . .

So, today was a spongey day all around for me. . I watched "Sponge bob" with Rob and Lindsay and our grandkids - HILARIOUS! Then Rob and I went out to get ingredients to make a couple of cakes for my office fundraiser for our buddy, Alvin, who's going to medical school in Grenada. I decided to make my "Ultimate Chocolate Cake" and my "Lemon Mousse Cake". . if i get pictures taken of these b4 i take them in, i'll post them. . i worked hard on them and they are to die for!!!

The 'sponge' part of the cake comes with the 'genoise sponge cake' which was the base for the lemon mousse cake - which i must say is a finicky, multi-step, fussy, fussy thing - i had to make the sponge cake, lemon syrup, lemon mousse - and its all very laborious but challengingly fun! Last time i made this dessert, i used a cake pan that was too wide in diameter, so the cake was too thin! bah. . . AND I discovered that my recipe book made a BOO BOO! It told me to add melted butter and lemon juice and a couple of other ingredients to eggs and sugar that had been whipping for 15 minutes!!! Thing the book didn't tell you was to 'temper' the melted butter with some of the whipped eggs and sugar before you added it. . Last time i just did what it told me, dumped the works into the frothy almost-filled-up-the-mixer-bowl eggs! At which point the foamy, voluminous eggies went THUD! splat!!! FLAT! EEK!!!! It was a nice-tasting disaster! right, Linds? but this time, i was doing cartwheels in my kitchen cuz the genoise was GORGEOUS!!!! light and beautiful. . oh wow. . i couldn't believe that i did it!!! I made a difficult to master (so Baking911 website tells me) genoise sponge!!!

The chocolate cake turned out well, but the icing !!! GAH! talk about frustration!!!! I'm not used to encountering that whilst baking anyway - but hey, stuff happens! I used 3/4 of a bar of french bittersweet chocolate in this batch that i had to throw in the garbage cuz for some unknown reason the chocolate 'split' , it seized up and the icing could not be made homogenous, it was unsavable. . i had a funeral for it before it went into the trash. *sniff* Rob was kind enough to go to the local grocery store to get more icing sugar. . and i used another recipe which was bizarre. . and did not turn out at first. . it was runny and i despised the sickly sweetness of it. . so i 'doctored' it, dumped the cocoa in there. . and you know, i wasn't happy, but Rob and I both tasted it a few times and i was so tired and it was good, very fudgey. . so onto the cake it went. a VERY cool thing i taught myself was how to make "caraque". . which is long, pointed cylinders of chocolate. . like curls, only more spikey in appearance and very elegant! you spread your melted chocolate on the back side of your cookie sheet, or onto a marble board, spread it flat with an offset spatula - pop it in the freezer, then take a long-bladed sturdy knife and drawing the knife from the upper left corner of the pan (which you brace against your middle) you draw the knife at a 25 degree angle scraping the knife across the chocolate until it curls into this long, elegant, tubular curl of chocolate. Lift it with a toothpick and place these beauties in the middle of your frosted cake! took me a few tries. . but once i got onto it i was like a 'caraque-making' machine!!!

so, yeah, sponges and chocolate -- what a tiring but fantastically kitchen-educational day!!!

this is great

i love having time off. . . wow its so great. Is this how retirement feels??! i guess maybe at first, when one's in the 'honeymoon phase' of retirement, then i'm sure things settle and perhaps a person might miss the thing they never thought they'd miss in a million years --- structure.

right now I'm enjoying this feeling of 'oh, i'm not obligated to do anything, be anywhere, do the 'routine' or feel stress of any sort.' its wonderful. we did get groceries with mom today, that's a routine - but that's it now. She gave us a little somethin-somethin for our holiday!!! her generosity is so much appreciated. We have our accommodations reserved for our little upcoming trip!!! we're as happy as pigs in dirt! We are not answering the phone unless we feel like it. . we went shopping today cuz it was a crappy, rain-soaked day and we felt like shopping, looked through the local warehouse club store. . got some cool stuff - hanging plant baskets for the backyard, and got 2 colours of foliage that i've long admired for our deck planters. . . chartreuse and blackish purple!!! they really POP together! speaking of plants. . i bought some potted herbs today for my kitchen and Rob threw together a slat-type platform for them to rest on. . dill, thyme and rosemary. . the basil looked sick, so i subbed the dill -- such glorious flavours these plants give. . i am so into herbs lately.

bought some egg bread, so that i could make a great french toast tomorrow a.m. . if you haven't tried french toast made with egg bread - TRY IT!!! when you make your 'custard' for the french toast, put a splash of vanilla in there, some grated orange rind, maybe some light cream instead of milk with your eggs, pinch of salt. . magic!!

bought some nice asiago and mozarella. . think i'll make the herb/breadcrumb/bacon- topped 3 cheese mac and cheese. . it is so fabulous, it should be illegal. (i have some grana padano cheese in the fridge to make up the third) NICE CHEESE!

i keep thinking of doing a couple of things. . . 1. Opening a cool little bistro/bake shop?? It makes me so happy to cook and bake. . i mean it - i enjoy it soooo much. I love to make the food taste great, but i'm really getting into making it LOOK great too!! Its very fun. 2. Doing more serious writing. I just discovered a 2 year-old story that i had written in one of my many journals - i took the rough copy and fleshed it out. . it was very satisfying and I realized that i LOVE to do that. . I've always loved it. Why am i not making more of an effort to go in the direction of something i love rather than slogging it out with something that bores me to tears? (but pays the bills. . . ) oh the risk.. . . i hesitate - i have a daughter in university.

Hey! I learned how to use my camera's macro setting. . i feel like i've discovered some buried treasure!!!

well, this may seem rather disjointed. . but my thoughts are all over the place and i think its time to put my brain to bed!!!

I hope you're having a great weekend, wherever you are?!

later 'gators!

late

its 12:15 a.m. . . .i'm headin' to bed. . I've been working overtime for the past 2 weeks and i'm so fried. i have one more 8-hour shift tomorrow, which will fly by compared to the 10 and 11 hours per day i've been working! I am so sick of sickness. . .illness. . disease - i hear all about it for 37.5 hours per week every week! I swear that i could diagnose just about anything! my mind is always clicking that way. . .ppl talk about having this or that. . right away i diagnose it. . (i don't say it mind you, i just think it) i've got medicine on the brain, or in the brain?! i was saying to KK tonight. . . "This is so tedious and boring. I document everything and do nothing." Its weird, detached - yet so involved at the same time. .

Anyway, from May 13 - May 24 I will NOT think of symptoms or differential diagnoses, i will not think of drug dosages or calculated aortic valve areas - i won't consult my "work bible" (my well worn terminology text) i won't even turn my work computer on!!! it will gather dust for a change. . ahhhh. . . i literally cannot wait to have a complete mind, body and spirit vacation!!!! i've forgotten what that feels like. Rob can have a break from the constant call backs, over time, staying late, emergency repairs. I was saying to Rob a while back, when we first talked about getting away. . "You know i want us to go away. . . we need to not be responsible for anything or anyone. " He said "You're right, we have to." So, God willing and weather permitting, we are headed to Ottawa and we're getting so excited about it!! They just opened a new Canadian War Museum -- of course we'll check that out. Also check out the aircraft museum, natch! we both love planes! Maybe do a tour down the canal. . of course go to Parliament Hill. . shop, go to some restaurants OTHER than Swiss Chalet!! maybe hit an out door market. . . see the tulips!

anyway, for the first part of our holiday (before we head to Ottawa) we will hang out, do some day outings, whatever we feel like. . . maybe even go canoeing!!! (though the water is a tad cold still) go for brunch maybe on Sunday. . sleep in. .

well, Rob's still at work -- he's as beat as i am. . . he worked an 8 hour shift today, then doubled back and is into his 6th overtime hour as i'm typing this. . that's tiring. . poor guy. .

well, night! (or should i say 'morning'!) its always morning when i head to bed. . is there any cure for nighthawks? i don't think so -- once one, always one!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Hey to everyone out there!! To all of you mothers, and grandmas and 'motherly' women. . . HAPPY DAY TO YOU!!! Its been gorgeous. Spring is such a lovely time have Mother's Day, it reminds us all so much of life. . and that's what mother's give us. Since we need fathers to have mothers, here's a little family thought for today: "So, father's be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do. Girls become lovers and turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters too." John Mayer wrote an awesome song there - a prophetic warning, a command. What a responsibility we have - to teach the younger ones how to be good and loving. . aaand i'd rather listen to John Mayer over some boring preacher any day of the week!!! better yet, I'd like to hear a preacher give quotes like that. Some parents do a good job at heeding this command, others don't. . thus the need for Prozac and counseling. .

Some mothers shower their children with praise, affection, affirmation and some withhold those things and give the exact opposite. .
Some mothers have lost their children and live in the shadow of that loss forever. .
Some mothers have aged and have become non compos mentis - what a bittersweet day this is for their children.
Some mothers are doing the work of 2 parents by themselves.
Some are far from their children and miss them terribly.
Some mothers struggle with illness.
Some mothers drive away their children and others draw theirs.
Some women want to be mothers, but can't be.
Some have the 'mothering instict' and have no children.
Some have children but have no 'mothering instint'.

"Mother's Day" can be so many different things to different people. . if we're sensitive to each other i think we can help those who have a rough time on such a day, and rejoice with others who are full of joy. .

So, i wish for you all reading this a beautiful day, no matter which of these or other unmentioned scenarios best describes you. I hope that you have given and received kisses and hugs and kind words and smiled with your eyes.

most beautiful people

okay. . . i'll keep it short and sweet - cuz i'm tired, but i had to say something about this 'beauty' issue.

People magazine - as most of you know- comes out with its yearly "50 Most Beautiful People" issue (don't forget the "Sexiest Man Alive" and "Sexiest Woman Alive" issues too!! geesh. . .)

So, I just read through it and from the beaming, gleaming Julia Roberts on the cover to the model on the back cover it was chock full of perfection -- zoom-whitened teeth, bright eyes with no trace of blood shotedness or wrinkles, fab abs, toned glutes, poppin' pecs, lush lips, overflowing bras, impossibly shiny, almost alien hair, cellulite-free appendages -- the following words were used in abundance: "hot", "super sexy", "radiant", "goddess", "gorgeous", "sex symbol", "hot guys", "super hot couple". By the time I had finished "reading" all this superficial fluff (i don't buy this mag - my husband does - but i must confess to reading it) i felt:
a. too chunky b. imperfect c. mad that this mag contained nothing else but 'best body part polls' and 'beauty time lines' d. hopelessly unattractive e. sad that every advertisement page had models even more beautiful than the beauteous celebrities, promoting everything from french undies to vodka to chanel no 5 cologne.

A cover to cover homage to beauty - artificial or good genes - its all celebrated and advertised and talked about and chart and graphed and compared and polled - yeah, that's just the thing for this woman's self esteem!!! no wonder most women feel like crap. . . real people don't look that way! they have frizzy hair! they have breakouts, their collar bone 'hollows' can't act as extra storage space for small objects, say a roll of breath mints or car keys. . . real people - they have laugh lines - for God's sake, even the people who are depicted in 'coenzyme Q10' commercials don't even have friggin' wrinkles!!! WHAT'S UP WITH THAT???!!! real pregnant and non pregnant women sometimes gain too much weight, real men might have too much body hair! and their muscles might be more 'subtle' but they're still there! real people sometimes eat too much and exercise too little, they don't use $100 a bottle moisturizer, their hair might not always look great, sometimes they wear the wrong colour or the wrong style. . they talk about more than their exercise routines, they think about more than food combining and portioning-- they do more than look in the mirror. . ahhhh. . . real people -- well at least real people are allowed to look bad! we don't have paparazzi and thank God for it.

". . people are like the grass that dies away. Their beauty fades as quickly as the beauty of flowers in a field. The grass withers and the flowers fade beneath the breath of the Lord. .. and so it is with people . . .but the word of our God stands forever." Isaiah 40:6 Now there's the reality check. . . hmmmm

Anyway. . . i could say more but you know what i mean, eh? i'm sure you have your thoughts on this subject!

Do you know what i did with that magazine when i finished perusing it? I placed it on the rec room coffee table, saw Julia impossibly flawless Roberts staring back at me through smoky eyes . .i took the nearby TV remote and put it over her face and went upstairs. childish? you bet! . . .but i felt better.

oh boy. . .

this won't be a humorous anything today, it won't be anything much except for a chance for me to pretend like no one's reading this (cuz almost nobody does anyway) and just use it for myself and no one else, to say that this has been a tough day for yucky reasons that are very painful and bring up so much horrible stuff from my past that will just not stop haunting and vexing me. it makes me furious and rageful and so shaking from the news i received today from my youngest sister, who bless her heart is going to share something with me, to partially make up for this situation. . I had a bit of a meltdown earlier, but became so short of breath and scared with all the things that were coming up that I actually had to speak to my memories and forbid them to surface. . if i let one up, it brings another and before i know it i'm outnumbered and overwhelmed and they won't go neatly back into the basement, they want to stretch and air themselves and usually i can do pretty well keeping them under lock and key. . and i'm the keymaster. . or am i?? i don't know - maybe that's all a control illusion? I think I need to see someone about this. . cuz it scares me when something triggers and awakens those dark things and they fight to overpower me. i prayed to God, okay kinda just kept saying "Help". . wasn't really praying so much as pleading. . .i asked my close friends at work to pray for me right then - i knew i was in trouble. . . and they wrote back and said that they were. . (they know my story) and then Rob called and i lost it. . . and he knows all too well why. . and he couldn't come home and i had to work, cuz we're so backlogged. I didn't know how i would be able to focus on work. . but you know, the prayers helped and Rob's voice did, and i took a note book and i wrote a bit, then i worked, then wrote, worked, and by the end of my shift, 9 pages of my guts were spilled out on the blue lines and i was so agitated at the time i wrote it all down, i can barely decipher my writing. . I don't know if i will send the letter -- oh i can't make sense of my life sometimes. . i wonder why did i have to go through these things? and why am i still being put through the wringer? At least with this latest crap development in this long time crap situation, i can take the focus off the OTHER crap in my life and not think about it as much -- why is it that speaking out against injustice always comes back to bite me on the ass? why do people who are supposed to love me and care about me -- why do they treat me so badly? was i born with a huge 'bull's eye' on my head, and a sign reading "Mess with this." or on my back with a sign that says "twist knife here" or over my heart??? with maybe one last sign that reads "aim arrow here"??? i can't understand this and i never will.

baking cakes smell great

mmmm. . . that's one delicious smell. I have 2 chocolate chip banana sour cream cakes in the oven. . the air is scented with chocolate, bananas and cinnamon. its 2135 hours. . the night is young. . but i'm getting old! heh heh. . oh but i will be awake for at least another 3 1/2 hours. Yes, I regularly practice poor sleep hygiene! I consistently and constantly ignore my body's 'tiredness' signals. . i think because i'm just simply a rebellious fool. I'm probably shaving years off my life expectancy, but hey i'm so used to being a night hawk, maybe i feel that i must continue on in this fashion? i can just see myself now, in St. Andrews Terrace Retirement Home -- bugging the crap outta the nursing staff because i refuse to turn out my light when its 'lights out' time. .i would probably refuse to slow down in the hallways, cuz i move so fast now that by the time i became sufficiently aged i would then be merely 'fast' instead of 'hyperspeed' and i would be sailing past others and the breeze in my wake would loosen toupees and set wigs askew. i would throw tantrums if they tried to park my wheelchair by the 'staring window' just cuz everyone else is doing that, and i hate doing what everyone else does!! oh, my i'm gonna be a handful of an old lady!!! unless perhaps i dement and turn all insipidly meek and beige and perpetually drowsy?! NAH!!! ain't gonna happen!!! I'll be the bane of their existence. I only hope that i don't end up in diapers??? how humiliating would that be? and if i was this unruly octagenerian, there may be 'pay back'. . they might put my diapers on backwards, short sheet my bed, or bring me last to the dining room and my pureed mush would be all cold, gasp. . . they might make me watch game shows (NOOOO!!! I'LL SLOW DOWN! I'LL TURN OUT MY LIGHTS, PLEASE. . . DON'T MAKE ME WATCH PAT SAJACK RERUNS !!)

okay, i don't know how i got here???!!! cakes - senior's homes -- okay.

excuse me a minute. . . . . * the timer just dinged*

ahhh, what glorious cakes. tip of the knife is clean. . they're sitting on the racks, cooling -- the aroma is outta this world!! if i could bottle that and take it to whomever makes Glade or Febreze. . . i'd be a millionaire, people's carpeting and upholstery would smell like my chocolate banana cake and when i'm old i could hire myself a private nurse to be kind to me in my dotage, who will let me do whatever i want - stay up as late as i please, walk as fast as my arthritic legs will take me and NOT sit by any stupid old window and stare out of it, but would take me outside so that i could smell the air and feel the wind. . and drive me places and maybe even let me eat cake?!!!

careful shmareful!!!

oh, i hate having to be careful. . . sometimes i am deliberately not careful cuz I get so tired of always having to be on guard and uptight.

Takes Teddy Grahams for instance. Those little chocolatey teddies are so crunchy and irresistible. I especially like them to go for for a swim in Nutella! (but seldom do that any more cuz i have to be 'careful'). I look on the back of the package and see a little picture with 'find the 8 hiding teddies' fun for all!!! Now that's cool. . but underneath it is the NUTRITION FACTS fun-spoiler. . calories, fat, serving size, carbs. I hate having to look at these wretched white and black squares of doom. I consult them cuz i am being 'careful'. . but sometimes i want to mask them over with tape and just enjoy my flippin' food!!! Salt and vinegar Crispy Minis - another good little snack there -- guess how many the evil white square tells me to eat?! 8. not a single mini more. 8?? oh come on!!!! i like to eat those till the vinegary powder swells my taste buds! and i look like an ol lady without her dentures! BUT NO, I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL! Scales -- oh, we must be careful to weigh our bodies regularly to see if we have gained weight. ahhhh.. i hate scales, i hate numbers bullying me around and making me feel guilty. Why can't i just go for more walks? You even have to be careful when you walk - especially if you're a woman and its night time. careful, someone might attack you!

I sometimes sit at the downstairs computer in the dark. My youngest daughter, KK, comes in, sees me and flips on the light, stands with her arms akimbo and taps her foot impatiently on the wooden floor, "Mommy! You have to be careful you don't ruin your eyes!" my eyes don't hurt, there's that word again! careful, shmareful. sometimes i want to be careless! its less rigorous.

sometimes i might want to go to bed without brushing and flossing my teeth, washing my face. . i'm tired, i just wanna flop on the bed; but no, i have to be careful that i don't get gum disease or cavities, and i have to be careful that my skin is clean, else it will rebel and embarrass me when i least want to be embarrassed. sometimes i might not want to eat vegetables every day or fibre first with 13 g. of fibre in every 1/2 cup serving. . I don't want to think about my bowels or my calcium intake or whether or not my multivitamin formulation is pharmaceutical grade, i don't want to know these things. . i just want to be free!!! somes i might want to say "i don't CARE what the suggested serving size is!!! I don't want to know the nutrition facts - how about some nutrition fiction? like this: Calories: say what? Fat: Nope! Carbohydrates: we forgot to measure them! . . I don't want to hear the word "Carb" ONE MORE TIME!!! I don't want to think about SUNBLOCK 1000, you have to be CAREFUL in the sun. . . when i was a kid i ran around and got as brown as a native and went barefoot, cuz i wasn't a careful little urchin. . . and i was HAPPILY CARELESS. I went swimming 2 minutes after eating cuz i didn't want to be careful to wait for an hour. I would run out on the street in a rain shower cuz i wanted to (we lived on a dead end steet - don't worry!) and i didn't think about being CAREFUL not to get my hair wet!!

I think that time, society and a secret group of anal retentives have conspired together to turn us all into CAREFUL prisoners!! BAH!!!

so, what am i eating for supper tonight? SALAD!!! ha ha. . .

may 2 - our anniversary!!!

hey! today is our 24th anniversary! Yes, 24 years ago today i said 'i do' to a tall man wearing a sky blue tux with ruffled shirt! (yes, our friends call it his 'hustler, pimp shirt'!) to which Rob always says "That was the style!!!" (it really was!) you know, sometimes it seems like forever. . but in a good forever sense - like 'wow, i've known you forever (28 years) and i'm glad!

sometimes i think of all that we have been through and i just sit and wonder at it all. . we didn't see some of the stuff coming -- like losing 3 of our babies, (1 set of identical stillborn twin girls and the other baby, we never found out - you often don't in miscarriages) we were soooo young when that happened. . Rob was such a rock when i was all hollow and disconnected. . he did everything - picked the casket, made the arrangements, all i had to do was grieve. he took the pressure cuz he knew i couldn't. he's been there always with me in my struggles with growing up in a 'difficult' environment. . understanding what that has done to me and how its affected me. He's been there as a husband who can pray with me and for me -- that's an awesome thing. oh man, we faced the deaths of friends and family together -- difficulties shared are always a bit more bearable. we've gone through some extreme parenting challenges and came out the other end of that long period still married, still sane, and a whole lot wiser and stronger, having tried our best and failed at times, but we all came through it!!! we've gone through unbelievable 'political' stuff at church - together - i won't even detail any of that cuz i'd have to pull an all nighter to do so!!! we've gone through unemployment, poverty, debt, uncertainty, a cancer scare, surgeries - nursing each other back to health - worrying about our sick children, you name it! AND we've watched a zillion movies together - walked thousands and thousands of kilometers, kissed, oh maybe a billion times?! said i love you maybe more, had several babies (all girls!!!) been so proud of our kids and grandkids together - played music and written songs together - laughed our heads off, annoyed the crap outta each other - garage saled - counseled at music camp, read papers, cooked together, remodelled our house countless times together - yard worked, CD shopped, brainstormed, listened to each other (mostly -- ha ha!) square danced - and regular danced, sang at weddings, funerals, put up with each other's 'phases' with support or at least feigned interest, (p.s. I HATE sci fi! and despise hockey and baseball! so those things i don't feign!! actually those would be the only things that i would feign) we reminisce about childhood candies and games together, we have travelled together and with our kids, we have Bible studied, worshiped together, played Santa and the Tooth Fairy (who kept forgetting to show up!) together (not to mention the Easter bunny!!) and maybe driven highway 8 together enough times to circle the globe!!!

anyway, its 1:05 i see. . and this is a heavy over time week for me at work and i should hit the hay. thanx for reading about us. What a privilege it is to know this man. He's not perfect and neither am i -- no surprise there! I can barely remember what its like to not be in this relationship. . and i wouldn't want to. All the moments, the looks, the words, the fun and the challenges. . I'm very grateful and misty-eyed - if you'll excuse me, i have to go hug someone!!

night!!