renewal

Oh, I will not let this post be about the 'p-word'. It will be short because of it, but i'm tired of being overtaken by and defined by its unwelcome presence in my life!

Don't we all love new?! My friend, Sherri posted on spring and her post inspired me to think more of the way spring makes us feel. It has this effect on people who've gotten through a period of dead/cold/barrenness. Spring is like the earth being literally resurrected every year -- from no growth to new growth, from frigid wind to warmer breezes, from relative quiet to birdsongs. No wonder it does this renewing this inside us!! I feel like i am being simultaneously resurrected !!! Each year it amazes me and it may be a Canadian/cold winter phenomenon . . . but we 'hibernate' quite a bit in the cold months and once they're finished, you see EVERYONE out of their houses!! Dog walkers, skateboarders, bike riders, more joggers, kids decorating sidewalks with pastel chalk. Everyone feels it. . . new life in the streets! It feels like a neighbourhood again! It feels now like everything needs renewing, whereas a few weeks ago I was still in 'winter mode'. Didn't seem to have that desire to change or grow, as if awaiting the solstice to bump start me into full living. I've been more conscious of the effect of 'middle age' on my skin, so i was entranced yesterday by a skin care infomercial for "Reclaim" featuring "Age Braker" -- i have to admit, i want to buy some!! Perhaps even my skin needs renewal?! *I'm thinking of Springsteen's 'Dancing in the Dark': "Wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face. . " (my room, my yard, etc?!) Last night Rob and I went out and we bought the inspiration to re-do our room. . . a new bedding set. Got a great deal too! Chocolate brown with pinstripes of gold and light blue -- there's the palette for the whole room. The contrast between the old colours on the walls, floor with this new colour focus is jarringly ridiculous!!! It won't be long before the whole thing is new. . .renewal can't be held back!!!! Once you get your mind into it, everything else follows.

Think new. . . feel it and enjoy it!

miscellaneous stuff

Hey everyone!I'm updating a bit. After spending several frustrating minutes relearning how to update my profile photo, i feel like i'm approaching the end of my sitting at the computer time limit!!! BAH!!! I'm into my second week off work. I don't like it much - yet it is restful and certainly less stressful! My job now is trying to avoid anything that makes things worse for me, to attend my physio sessions and to do my tiny, piddly exercises. Hey! New development in the investigation front -- my distant, summer MRI has already taken place! I was called last Wed. at supper to come in for the next morning early -- EEK!! *hard for a non-morning person* I got there, spent my 20 minutes in 'the tube'. . . which was strangely astronautish and noisy!!! Now to await the results -- drumroll. . . . . . . . it'll be a few more days. My therapist keeps saying its 'disc-ey'. Makes sense with the persisting pins& needles nonsense. I really know its time to stop when i get those voodoo doll pin jabs in my neck, which is happening now, so I'm signing off. I'll try one more para - i hate giving in!

My grandkids are cute as ever. . . James is in a deep Elvis phase - not the bloated, sweating, jumpsuited Elvis but the lean, mean dancing machine of the 50s . When we show him the 70s concerts, he asks us to turn them off! He also hates ballads. . so its been a steady diet of Lawdy Miss Clawdy, King Creole, Jailhouse Rock and That's All Right Momma around here when Jimmy comes to visit! He says he wants to be an "Elvis actor" when he grows up! Erica is in a Beauty and the Beast obsession right now. We all have to role play being the Beast (she gets to be Belle, natch!). I kept books, figurines and B.A.T.B. barbies from Lindsay and KK -- so its so cool to see these appreciated now by my granddaughter!!! Eri is so much about the make up. . the high heels, the bling bling on anything!!! My daughters are beautiful and busy! Linds at work, KK at school. This empty nest thing, well we're adjusting, but its never truly empty - visits from one or both of our girls happen frequently enough to keep us from pining away. Its the normal state of things - kids grow up and move out *and i think they're quite happy to!*
Rob is always busy at work. He's enjoying the Canadian male's obsession -- hockey season! He brought home a spring bouquet of flowers the other day, just because!!! He's sweet.

Okay, gotta go. . I hope you're having a good week? I am reading up on your blogs and enjoying them!

much love from me,

i want to blog. . .

hi! i want to sit and write something, but i know i'm not going to be able to last very long. i'm trying very hard to feel like myself, to feel like i'm defined by something and anything other than pain. I've never had such continuous physical pain for such a long period. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to stay 'up'. I have been exhausting myself, working in a fast-paced, busy office -- even on alternate duties i get wrung out. You know though, i have loved it in spite of the p-word that holds me hostage. I have learned so much -- i can't even believe how much a part of 'the team' i feel working in there with such amazing people. My heart is full of love for them and gratitude for this time spent with them. I have actually loved my job for the first time in . . . .uh. . . . . forever!!! Variety is just what i've craved at work and have had a tremendous amount of the last few months.

But now this must end and i must take a month off to try to find some healing. . that's the first step. . there may be others to take, but i don't know what they are now. I can't see beyond this hole i'm in, so its hard to think of myself as having employment options. . i can't even conceive of feeling 'normal' right now, feeling useful, vital. Right now, normal is this and it sucks. Any time in which i'm not lying down and unconscious (which is difficult to get to without strong analgesic assistance) is a difficulty. Still, I can't bring myself to admit my weakness. I try to fight it, but who am i kidding? I think i can take it, can rise above it, i can still be 'me'. . . but i don't like this version of me. I'm still trying my best to love life and i really do. . . but this? ugh. . . i hate it. I have an MRI booked for 5 1/2 months from now. . (though i'm on a cancellation list). Canadian medicine at its best. Its thought that i have a disc bulge, pressing on a nerve/nerves (accounting for the neurogenic pain and constant, extremely uncomfortable numbness of my left arm, which is all tied to the abnormal curvature at the junction of the C-spine (neck) and T-spine (top part of the spine). At times i get these stabbing pains at this spot, other times in my arm -- like someone's made a voodoo doll of me and is jabbing me with pins. Every physio appointment in which attempts are made to straighten my crookedness is hellishly pain-ridden. Every time i go there, i approach the place with a mixture of dread and desperate hope.

oh, that's me done. . gotta lie down.

cool windows and us with KK

These were some of the windows in the gorgeous old hall in which the honour list ceremony took place! It was really "Harry Potter"!!!! There are a couple of photos of us with KK outside of this beautiful place. . . Linds, you and Jimmy would LOVE this hall! I actually took the pics with you two in mind (with your love of antiquity) There's something so wonderful about these old, historic buildings!!!!!

 

Some more pics!

i didn't want to let my blogging slide. . so i'm doing something here that doesn't require much typing, which is too painful these days, unfortunately. . . .

First pic is taken at KKs "Dean's Honour List" ceremony at her university. . Rob and I both had that day off and it was such a great day!





Second pic is taken at Eri's 3rd birthday party. . . . . . this is her 'princess castle cake'! Made by me, KK and Rob!! It was a toughie, but so delicious and what a great result.





Third pic. . . . the grandkiddies in Opa's chair, eating popsicles! CUTE!



Fourth pic: Lindsay in 'the reading chair' . . in the days before my corner shelf went in!