Saturday, May 23, 2009

arrrrghhhhhh!!!!

I'm not sure I've ever uttered the 'word' "arrrrghhhh" actually, but i'm feeling like it.
I'm frustrated.
Its tough for people like me
who like food.

Right now its a really good thing that I am not in the company of one of those "I don't have a problem with my weight" kind of people.

The way I'm feeling right now, I'd have to sit ON my hands, to keep them from going up around their neck.

You know, the kind of people who say things like:

"I forget to eat sometimes"

*are you flippin' kidding me?*

or

"I've never had a problem with my weight."
(of course, you haven't)

or


"I don't have a sweet tooth, I almost never eat dessert"
(is this even possible? its downright suspicious -- how can such a person be trusted?)

or the thing that really makes me wanna hit them:
"I can eat whatever I want. I just burn it off."

@$#%^&**!!!!!!!!!


I'm having a ridiculous day in which everywhere I go there are THINGS I WANT TO INHALE.. market this morning. . bought my grandchildren giant cinnamon buns with icing. . I did not succumb to these evil rounds. But they smelled so damned cinnamony.

Then my grandson wanted to visit the church beside the market. . the one that sells PIES and APPLE DUMPLINGS WITH WARM CARAMEL SAUCE every week, to raise funds. Naturally, he wanted to check out the basement, where they SELL the dangerous items and he wanted a glass of juice. Deal is you get a beverage with the purchase of one of these sin bundles. frig, frig FRIG!!! Idiot me buys him one, which he hated. . and wouldn't eat. and this is why he's so thin. So now I was really crumbling. the smell. . oh my gosh. .the look of that golden thing. . I scooped out and ate the apple from inside its pocket of pastry and salvaged a deteriorating situation. But that wasn't the last of it. I then took him to the chocolate shop, where the most curious thing happened.

I picked up a bag of chocolates for Lindsay and Mike, I told myself, and a couple of little 'chocolate pizzas' for the grandkids. I was surrounded by hand made chocolates, roasted nuts, candies -- by now I was really messed in the head. I fished out my new wallet and being new, the card holder pockets were a bit stiff. I tried to get my card out. . it was wedged in so tight i couldn't. I only pushed it further in with each attempt to get at it. The cashier gave me a paper clip. . and watched me as I fumbled. I then asked her if she had anything pointy, she handed me a pen. I tried to pen the thing out. No luck. The cashier giggled nervously. I finally looked up at her and said "You'll have to cancel that, I can't get at my bank card." When I asked her if that had ever happened to anyone else, or was it just me, she grinned and said "No, just you." James wasn't too disappointed, he was only thinking about his cinnamon bun anyway. It was actually kind of hilarious.

You'd think I would have been in the clear after all that. But no.

We went back to the Arts Centre to meet Opa, who was waiting for Eri to come out of her ballet lesson.

While I had eaten sensible bran flakes and fruit for breakfast, Rob hadn't and he wanted to go to Tim Horton's for a bagel and a coffee. The kids of course chimed in their wishes for "chocolate mint donut and a chocolate milk".

Tim Horton's is of the devil.
Cookies, donuts, eclairs, donuts, tea biscuits, donuts, fatty fatty muffins and donuts.

Rob ordered his brunch, the kids had their donuts and chocolate milk.

I had a diet pepsi.. . .niiiice.

but I stole a teeny pinch of each donut. *tiny, miniscule* I did not lose control with my mouth, but my mind was already gone. At this point i was convinced that the entire city was made out of sugar and dipped in chocolate.

We got home and what did I flippin do next?? I made some squares. . i'm not even kidding you.
Butter, peanut butter, butterscotch chips, marshmallows, coconut, rice krispies. Deadly. I quickly got the squares in the pan and hid them in the fridge.

I made an organic spinach salad with fat free raspberry dressing, cooked some mushrooms in broth, had a piece of lean, grilled chicken leftover from the other night and a small, whole wheat english muffin, toasted with 1 measured teaspoon of non hydrogenated margarine. It was good. I went out to do some gardening. Distraction is good, yes. . very good. I needed to stop throwing myself under the food bus.

I'd sent the cinnamon buns packing with the grandkids, I had eaten only the apple and not the dumpling. The chocolate store fiasco kept me on the straight and narrow and I ended up having a 2 cm. square piece of square and then desperately ran to the freezer for a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich, which I wolfed down guiltlessly as I promised myself that it was better than the squares. . and you know it really was good and it really was better.


I then went downstairs and like a sicko, I watched . . . The Food Network!! What the . . . . what is WRONG with me?? I felt like i was having a bona fide meltdown. How can I reconcile my old nature with my new behaviour?? How can I be me if I don't bake? Why can't I be liberal with the olive oil and the butter, why do i have to measure things and count points? Why can't I be normal? Why is the world full of delicious garbage to eat? Why is every second commercial on TV about food? and every first commercial about someone with no weight problem? What kind of skewed message are the propagandists pushing anyway??

This is an epic, rest of my life drama. . and I need to get a grip!!!

I made some supper. . low fat, whole wheat mac and cheese. It was really good.
I ate 1 cup's worth. BLAH. I don't like 1 cup's worth. . i like more.

I'm seeing the pattern as I write it all down. . INSANITY! sanity. . INSANITY! sanity. Thursday night I was jubilant, high on control, happy -- like I could KICK FAT'S BUTT!! Today, I'm the one being kicked. ^&#$%^^%$ !!! pardon me.

I'm going to go for a walk now. As I get into this sixth week of 'health improvement' and vanity boosting, I realize I'm always going to be living with this familiar tension. The 'honeymoon' is over. . there will be days like this and they are usually on the weekend. I'm not sure why this is so. My Monday - Thursday resolve seems to evaporate when the sun sets on Friday nights. I am not without weapons of my own. .and working out is definitely going to be my weapon of choice. Maybe this is going to be my great equalizer?

oh great. .

i'm getting hungry.

arrrrrggghhhh!!

7 comments:

Gina: said...

I think this is why we can't earn our way to heaven... God knows that we would drive ourselves crazy in the process!

It does seem that everything is made of sugar... or high fructose corn syrup... or carbs.

I too struggle with my weight... but for different reasons, I believe... it's an evil evil mental game. "I need to lose weight so I can be prettier/look better... I don't want to lose weight because then I get unwanted attention from boys... my friends think I'm thin enough... my mom thinks I'm too thin... the doctor thinks I'm overweight... so does the world... and yet, I'm supposed to be comfortable with who I am"...

I too scream "arg"- so many conflicting views, so many barriers... so much confusion...

I suppose the question is... why?

Are we trying to lose weight so we will be healthy? Or so we will look good? Are we living strictly by law or do we love ourselves enough to offer grace for shortcomings?

I've found that the rules and regulations do not work for me... they only create guilt and self hatred. Do you find your internal voice saying "you NEED to do this, fatso" or do you hear it say "lets do this. It's healthier this way." That little voice can encourage or tear us apart.

I've come to see that this battle is a lot like faith... rules and regulations show our shortcomings, but they don't get us anywhere if we beat ourselves into a depression... it is good to have guidelines, but we've also gotta have grace. If we slip up, we try again... we don't quit. If we want to become healthy, better people... we've gotta love ourselves through the good days and the bad... and know that every body was created different- yet is loved unconditionally by our God.

Electroluminescence. said...

you don't even know how much i struggle with my weight and eating.
it's mostly a struggle with feeling bad about myself... and not feeling GOOD!
i don't eat horrible things... but I just don't know how to eat the things that will give the best nutrition... it's so much simpler to go for the quick and easy solution... and whatever you're in the MOOD for !
right now i am not allowed to eat any wheat or dairy... it's wretched. those are the two things that i eat 24/7 ..... i feel hungry all the time, because the things that i replace my usual food with, are not as filling... so i find myself craving things i can't have and junk food soooo much more than usual? why can't we just eat what is good for us and be happy and full?!?!?!? ahhhhh!

i feel your frustration!

Allan S said...

Kat, I finally put you on my blog...You are a very funny writer, and I so understand your frustration with those "I forgot to eat people". You are my only non sailing blog in my list, could you mention 'water' or 'boat' or anything nautical will doo. Wait a minute,'arrrrgh' is a pirate sound. You are off the hook...lol See you and your husband at work....Allan

Anonymous said...

Funny girl. Though threw the giggles I suspect that you are not eatting enough ...are you eatting enough ?? Remember you can always workout and burn off thoses extra colories so don't starve yourself.

kathryn said...

Ellie, anonymous girl. . i will try to make sure i'm eating enough. . i haven't been for the last few weeks - lots of work stress and that tends to make me neglect eating. I lose more weight when i eat more. . its so paradoxical.

Al, thanx for adding me! I cannot promise nautical words, i don't know that many!!! lol

ellie said...

Hey how did you know it was me?????Glad to hear you are eatting enough!!! I worry about you :)Take care sweetie pie!!!!!

Ellie said...

Now not to mess up your healthy life style for you but I found a blog that has the BEST recipes ever (I think she may be your Doppelgänger). It's called Joy The Baker ...you can thank me or yell at me next time I see you at work(as long as you come carrying baked goods)!!! Yumm ....