Tuesday, March 31, 2009

didn't ring true

I had a blog post sitting in draft since Tuesday. . something about scratching the surface
i gave some awkward examples of how i do this in life
when i re-read it, it seemed like such b.s.
there was no heart in the words --

I stay on the surface in lots of ways,
use only a small percent of my brain
don't always take the time get to know others
i put things off, thinking i'll get around to them
try to do too much and don't do anything very well
i hear but maybe don't listen
special things happen and i don't often see them.

I get clipping along, on the hamster wheel
and I go on and on and on,
not really thinking,
then i'll get tired and ask myself:
"What is all this for?
Why am i doing the things i do every day, every week, month, year after year?
What does it all mean?"

I guess I could think of these questions like the pop up reminder windows in my Outlook calendar. . "IMPORTANT MEANING OF LIFE REALIZATION MOMENT IN 15 MINUTES. . 1. OPEN 2. SNOOZE. 3. DISMISS."

I know in my heart that i exist because God gave me life.
I know he's a genius, I see him in the world and all that's in it and beyond it.
I make sense of my meaning as a human in the context of God's saturating presence in the universe and in my heart at the very same time -

As I get all angsty and self involvedly questioning about making sense of what I have experienced, i stop. . still entangled in my own flaws and those of others, losing the sight i've been given, a bundle of imperfections. . .and i read the paragraph directly above this one.

I know in my heart...
I know he's ...
I make sense of my meaning as a human...

Not dismiss
Not snooze
But open.


Gina: said...

It sounds like we are struggling through some of the same questions at the moment.

I have been living on the surface within my blog... so many things I want to say, and yet, my words remain shallow.

Amen, dear friend.

kathryn said...

i hear you, Gi.. expressing yourself is a tricky, vulnerable thing, but its also quite liberating. xo

Electroluminescence. said...

i have the same thoughts too....but once again, cannot turn the feelings and thoughts into words like you can.... you're amazing. and we haven't talked in ages.
hope you're fab.

Bradley said...

thanks Kathryn. I always enjoy your insights.

Have you had a chance to check out my newest blog bradleyshea.com?