didn't ring true

I had a blog post sitting in draft since Tuesday. . something about scratching the surface
i gave some awkward examples of how i do this in life
when i re-read it, it seemed like such b.s.
there was no heart in the words --
delete.


I stay on the surface in lots of ways,
use only a small percent of my brain
don't always take the time get to know others
i put things off, thinking i'll get around to them
try to do too much and don't do anything very well
i hear but maybe don't listen
special things happen and i don't often see them.

I get clipping along, on the hamster wheel
and I go on and on and on,
not really thinking,
automatic,
programmed,
then i'll get tired and ask myself:
"What is all this for?
Why am i doing the things i do every day, every week, month, year after year?
What does it all mean?"

I guess I could think of these questions like the pop up reminder windows in my Outlook calendar. . "IMPORTANT MEANING OF LIFE REALIZATION MOMENT IN 15 MINUTES. . 1. OPEN 2. SNOOZE. 3. DISMISS."

I know in my heart that i exist because God gave me life.
I know he's a genius, I see him in the world and all that's in it and beyond it.
I make sense of my meaning as a human in the context of God's saturating presence in the universe and in my heart at the very same time -

As I get all angsty and self involvedly questioning about making sense of what I have experienced, i stop. . still entangled in my own flaws and those of others, losing the sight i've been given, a bundle of imperfections. . .and i read the paragraph directly above this one.

I know in my heart...
I know he's ...
I make sense of my meaning as a human...

Not dismiss
Not snooze
But open.

30 years on

a tale of two pictures.
2009 and 1979

woman me
child me

i found the grad picture when i was cleaning a closet last week.
It really upset me.
Surely this fresh faced girl with the "70s Show" hair isn't me??
17 and not a line on my face.
47 and no comment.
I have this thing about aging.
I don't want to do it, but age doesn't care what i think about it.
30 more years from now?
I won't be posting pictures.
There's something undignified about losing youth.
But at the same time, age and experience can really develop character and wisdom.
I feel wiser than i did when they took this picture,
but I still feel very unfinished.
I have fading memories of being 17.
When I'm 77, i'll have fading memories of being 47.
hmmmm. .
deep breath.
I am trying to keep it all in perspective.
Its weird,
and wonderful, i guess?