wingin' it. . .

i'm not really sure what will come to me as i sit here and type . . . dirty plates are all that remain of supper (i guess i should get washing). Its hot out there so i've been staying indoors. I'll have to make this quick - i need to get to the drug store to get my puffer before they close - hot and/or humid weather is not my friend (hard to breathe).

I'm hoping to do some reading tonight - Rob's working some o/t so that will be nice to actually sit and open a book.

My oldest daughter had an ultrasound today - they think the baby is a girl!!!! *but they have to do another one because the little monkey was moving around too much and they didn't get all the views that they needed* So, yay for the possibility of another granddaughter! Though i'd be just as thrilled either way - so i'll try not to think too much of 'girl' and stay open to hear the news at the next scan.

I'm happy that i'm able to exercise again, after a LONG time when even sitting upright caused pain. Actually i'm not merely happy about that. . i'm ecstatic. I do have to be really careful - but if that's price i pay to be able to move again, i'm careful with a capital C . Its not like i have a choice though. . hmmm. . . what do i choose? relapse back to the dark side of my pain or stay as far away from it as i possibly can?! Stay away!!!!! I'll do anything and everything in my power to avoid going to that place again. I can do my kickboxing again. . i can dance, i can work my muscles again!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Until you can't do something, you will never know how important it was to you.

I'm home, working again. I miss everyone at work. It was a great privilege to be part of their daily lives and i miss that. I miss saying good morning to the girls. I miss going to break with them. I miss laughing at their crazy jokes. I even miss getting dressed up - though i have to say that working barefoot in yoga pants and a t-shirt is pretty awesome!!!

i have to go. . . this was kinda lame, i do hope my thought drought ends soon. I cannot seem to feel any sort of inspiration -- these things happen, i know. . i do feel hopeful for the 'rain' . . .

i've been an unfaithful blogger, its true

Blogger. . i have left you for someone more exciting. . but i've felt bad about it and i'm really sorry. Please forgive me. Facebook dazzled and enticed me away with the free gifts, the graffiti wall, the gardens, the ease of use, the excitement, the drinks, the sheep being thrown -- i'm sorry but you'd be hard pressed to compete. Still, you wait faithfully for my return. I feel terrible. . . . . . NOT!!! Oh, i joke. . but i don't.

I haven't been inspired to write anything. I guess i have enough on my plate being back at work full time - its kinda sucked the creativity out of me. . maybe as I adjust i will feel more like saying something. I hope so. In the meantime, the flash and fun of Facebook has been a nice way to communicate with others. . . a lot more rewarding way, more immediate, more gratifying. It never feels like i'm alone on Facebook like i feel here on Blogger. When i write something in Facebook i feel like it might be and often is read. When i write anything here. . its like i'm sending all my words into a vacuum. Comments may appear, or not. . its frustrating and a little demoralizing.

jiffy post. .

i don't think i've ever posted anything in 5 minutes? here goes. . .

my lawn looks like straw. its full of chipmunk holes. i have neglected my gardens, the perennials are doing their thing and i have planted no annuals. yes, i am ashamed.

I am working once more. i'm so glad to be back at it. . i feel like i have my life back. i'm a productive member of society again. i enjoy the interaction in the office, though its been a bit tough re-acclimating to the physical demands of work, of working out, of doing more in general. I wish someone would wave a magic wand over my spine and fix it all the way. i hate having this condition. . it sux. the simplest things are still challenging. I always have to be so careful about how i move, or how i position myself, how long i do something, i always have to think of ways to minimize aggravation, all my physio instructions, my occupational therapy instructions. . . I have to keep my posture and alignment just so, or i feel jabby reminders. i may be fooling myself in thinking i will be productive for another 20 years. But i can only live in the present and for the present i can do this. i don't want to get thrown into the 'unuseful pile'.

my granddaughter wants to be a princess till the day she dies. she loves my sparkly powder. she always wants to read stories. my grandson is still divergent in his interests, such a cool kid! his love for Elvis does not diminish. They both have cast their spell over me. . Nana is such a sucker for her grandchildren. LOVE THEM! In a blink i will have another grandchild to love. Already i love the idea of this little person. . and i can see the little 'bump' now!

i can't believe my daughters are adults -- both in their 20s. . . both such awesome women. Wow. . . . . . turn around and they're tiny. . . turn around and they're grown. . its not just a cliche, its truth. parenthood changes and the way you view yourself as a parent changes as your children grow.

we had an intense, little storm earlier this evening. storms are amazing. . . fascinating to watch. not so great to drive in!!!

i love spending time with my husband. . 30 years together, this month!!! can it really be that long????!!! how have 3 decades gone by already??!!!!! I'm so glad i went to camp that summer. To think, i had no intention of going!!!

i like the night

the blackness is so calming. . well, in the city its more like the blue/black/light pollution haloness. Its never completely dark, but i love the night. I don't know if i'd love it so much if it was all i had to experience. . but then i wouldn't know anything else and couldn't make any contrasts. The sun is great for what it is and does. It gives energy, power, life -- but sometimes its just a bit too much for me. The sun fries my retinas if i try to look at it. It damages my skin, it makes me feel faint if i'm out in its full intensity. The sun is a friend who just comes on too strong.

Everyone acts different in the daytime. Its interesting. . . daytime = chaos, night time = relaxation. i love to drive at night, its just easier on the blood pressure. Night brings this melow vibe, whether you're cruisin' for ice cream, going out for a walk, swimming, roasting marshmallows. . .The street lights glow, the air smells fresh and damp. Sometimes you get those sultry nights where everything's so close and humid, clouds of insects around the lights, crickets squeaking, sticky air, hard to sleep. Don't like those so much, but there's also something kinda nice about them. Maybe its the sheer joy of bare feet and arms? I try not to complain about heat because its a welcome change from brrrrrrrr. . . winter. . . . . .

I don't get out enough at night. I don't sit out under the sky and feel the air on my skin. I resolve to change that. I do love to gaze at the moon for extended periods. I love to admire the stars. It feels energizing, at half speed. Daytime is energizing at warp speed -- waking, working, doing, going, Daytime feels frenetic and hyper. Nighttime feels tranquil and soothing. I've always preferred the night. Its the time i feel most like me. I need its quietness. The way it falls softly on everything, i can almost hear it. It has a lovely presence, so restorative. I have such a propensity to absorb energy into myself and feel the stresses that come with that; i absorb other people's energy and when it combines with my own, i can easily feel overloaded. Night time is the best time to sigh away the tension, think, relax, be still, unload, breathe -- ahhhhhhh.